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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is AIBU me or DH in regards to DD punching girl in her year.

287 replies

Pointlessworrying · 03/02/2023 20:20

Our 14 year old DD is a wonderful, intelligent and happy girl, she is in Y9 at an independent all girls school and has a lovely bunch of friends.

She does however have quite a short fuse and like most teenage girls can be at times be quite grumpy, she also takes no prisoners and is quite good at putting up heathy barriers when it comes to her peers.

I would say she has a good sense of worth which we obviously encourage and the following is an isolated incident.

I caught the tale end of her telling her DS at the dinner table that a girl in her year had slapped her, the 1st time she had turned round she thought it must have been an accident, the 2nd she had asked her to stop the 3 time she actually caught her head and DD had turned round and punched her in the Jaw.

The girl was initially quite shocked and then had ran off an told a teacher supported by her friends. DD was asked by the teacher to have a chat she had explained the situation, teacher was really kind about it and just spoke to to DD about managing feelings and to come and talk to her in future.

However what has came out in this is this DH has fully supported DD in her actions, told her she was absolutely in the right and to do the same thing again.

Talking it over tonight he said that DD has the right the defend herself and couldn’t be punished for doing so, he also said that if she hadn’t retaliated in the way she did in found of a group of mean girls she would have opened herself up to bullying…

I however feel that DD has enough about her to do this without using her hands and worry that if this became more than a one off incident the repercussion it would have for her.

Mostly it’s highlighted that DH and I are obviously on quite different pages to how our DC should act in this kind of situation and wondered what people thought.

OP posts:
KalvinPhillipsBoots · 03/02/2023 20:31

I agree with your husband, she absolutely has the right to defend herself, the other girl slapped her 3 times, so good on your daughter for standing up for herself.

SinnerBoy · 03/02/2023 20:32

Pointlessworrying · Today 20:25

She doesn’t know her own strength and I can guarantee the hook she gave the girl back would have been 10 times harder than what she did to her.

I think that she was provoked beyond measure and reacted in an entirely human way. Your daughter asked the other girl to stop and was slapped again, so she punched her in self defence; she's done nothing wrong.

Of course it's good to explain the potentially serious consequences of punching somebody, but in this case, she wouldn't be convicted of anything, because the other girl assaulted her first and she was simply defending herself.

Togoodtobeforgotten · 03/02/2023 20:32

I'm with your hubby too I'm afraid

Catgotyourtongue66 · 03/02/2023 20:33

You are being very very unreasonable

Flowerfairy101 · 03/02/2023 20:33

Sadly it probably is the only way to get people like that to stop bullying however as someone who used to supervise young offenders I WISH parents would stop telling their children that it's 'self defence' and you're allowed to hurt someone if they hurt you. The law is not clear cut on this and I have seen many teens end up on the wrong side of it because they have been brought up to believe if someone hits you you can leather them back no consequences. I also think this can encourage teens not to take responsibility for their actions which can spill over into other areas of their lives. In an ideal world, schools and the police where necessary would deal effectively and swiftly with bullying, but unfortunately they don't.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 03/02/2023 20:33

VariationsonaTheme · 03/02/2023 20:23

Shouldn’t be condoning punching anyone. It only takes one punch to kill someone.

They should not of slapped her, if they can give it, they can take it.

katmarie · 03/02/2023 20:34

Where were the girls in this situation? Did she have the option of moving away, and putting some distance between them, or speaking to a teacher? Those might have been less violent choices she could have made.

Tbh though, I can see why she did it and I'd find it hard to be critical of her. I would want to have a chat about what other options she might have in that scenario though.

Togoodtobeforgotten · 03/02/2023 20:34

Pointlessworrying · 03/02/2023 20:25

I wouldn’t say I thought she was in the wrong necessarily wrong I just know that these things aren’t always black and white when it come to repercussions and punishment and would worry what that might mean for my daughter.

She doesn’t know her own strength and I can guarantee the hook she gave the girl back would have been 10 times harder than what she did to her.

Show quote history

Good that will teach the person that she just can't go round slapping people! Your daughter needs a pat on the back for sticking up for herself

cansu · 03/02/2023 20:34

Could she have walked away and reported it to the teacher? If the answer to this is yes then that is what she should have done. I wouldn't condone the punching at all.

Let's say she punches the girl who falls back and hits her head on something. She could be seriously injured. Would that be OK if she says she was slapped first?

InspectorPaws · 03/02/2023 20:35

I wouldn’t punish her but I wouldn’t be telling her it was the right thing to do or encouraging her to do it again.

Self-defence is not the same as retaliation. She wasn’t defending herself, she was retaliating. She was wrong - so was the other girl, even more so. She did have other, more appropriate options - I’d encourage those. However, despite being wrong, her actions were understandable.

TowerRaven7 · 03/02/2023 20:36

I’m a bit confused. The friend that slapped, what did she slap her for? Was it an actual slap or more of a poke, like “hey listen to this”. If it was an actual slap, which it doesn’t sound like it was given the expression on the girl’s face and the fact you said your daughter doesn’t know her own strength, but I could be very wrong - then I agree with your husband. If the girl was kind of shoving her (gently) to get her attention and didn’t mean to hurt her I agree with you.

Icouldbehappy · 03/02/2023 20:37

Good for her.
My son was challenged to a fight in high school, which he didn’t want to take part in. However, a load of kids all swarming through the corridors ensured that it took place.
The other boy picked the wrong one to start a fight with. My son decked him with one punch. Then teachers broke it up.
They both got suspended for a day but IDGAF.
I told him that I was glad he’d hit him and that I hoped it hurt. And IDGAF for saying that, either.
Funnily enough, no one else challenged him to a fight.
And yes, I did accompany him to school to meet with the HT to discuss it. And I said all the right things.
But actually, I supported my son and he knew that.

Georgieporgie29 · 03/02/2023 20:39

Up until about 5 years ago I would have agreed with you. My ds has had episodes of bullying and I have always told him to ignore and walk away (unlike dh who has told him to hit the ), he always took my advice though as he is a mild mannered boy. That was until one day he snapped and hit back. He was never bullied from that day on because for some reason these boys now had a new found respect for him.

Gawpygertie · 03/02/2023 20:39

I told my dc to have a 3 strikes and hit back attitude. Why should anyone put up with being provoked continually.
I wouldn’t punish your dd.

Genegenieee · 03/02/2023 20:39

Shocked that so many think this would be self defence.

A slap or a punch could both result in criminal charges if the victim went to the police. However the resulting charge if any for the slap would be far less than for a punch.

And no the punch is not self defence. That is utter shite. The force used has to be reasonable. There is a ton of case law on this.

But good luck to all of you bringing up your kids this way. Future inmates of the future, ignorance and stupidity is not a defence either. Jesus wept.

Teeshirt · 03/02/2023 20:39

I’m shocked by the replies so far. I wouldn’t have punished her, and she was clearly provoked, but punching the girl was not the right thing to do. She should have walked away and reported it.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 03/02/2023 20:42

Genegenieee · 03/02/2023 20:39

Shocked that so many think this would be self defence.

A slap or a punch could both result in criminal charges if the victim went to the police. However the resulting charge if any for the slap would be far less than for a punch.

And no the punch is not self defence. That is utter shite. The force used has to be reasonable. There is a ton of case law on this.

But good luck to all of you bringing up your kids this way. Future inmates of the future, ignorance and stupidity is not a defence either. Jesus wept.

Oh it is self defence and proportionate.

Gentleness · 03/02/2023 20:43

InspectorPaws · 03/02/2023 20:35

I wouldn’t punish her but I wouldn’t be telling her it was the right thing to do or encouraging her to do it again.

Self-defence is not the same as retaliation. She wasn’t defending herself, she was retaliating. She was wrong - so was the other girl, even more so. She did have other, more appropriate options - I’d encourage those. However, despite being wrong, her actions were understandable.

Exactly this. Lots of reassurance, not telling off, but also discussing that however understandable, a punch is an escalation that could go wrong.

This incident could make her more likely to hit back again or make her think she really didn't enjoy the way that power felt, so I think you are right to be cautious.

AlisonDonut · 03/02/2023 20:44

If someone slapped me 3 times I'd lamp them one too.

Logburnerperils · 03/02/2023 20:44

Hold on. I thought MN protocol was to invite the girl that slapped your DD round for tea and biscuits and make sure she gets invited to a party.

LittleStar22 · 03/02/2023 20:44

You don’t say what action the school
have taken against the other girl?

If someone had assaulted my daughter three times, I’d want to know what action the school have taken and to see a copy of their anti-bullying policy.
In this circumstance, i’d be in my daughters corner!

TheFairyCaravan · 03/02/2023 20:44

Good for your daughter. The other girl has learnt that if you play with feathers, you get your arse tickled.

Doje · 03/02/2023 20:45

Me and DH have similarly different opinions. I'm surprised to find myself in the minority!

Could she have walked away? I'd go with that option first.

What if the other girl lamped her back? She goes in harder? How can it be that whoever has the biggest punch wins? That shouldn't be the answer.

booboo82 · 03/02/2023 20:45

3 strikes and your out I'm afraid , well done your dd for standing up for herself

Phenolet · 03/02/2023 20:46

I'm team DH. Your daughter defended herself. She was being attacked by this girl and had to protect herself. She obviously wasn't willing to wait for a 4th, 5th or 6th slap or for the girl to escalate to further violence.

Hopefully the piece of shit bully has learned a lesson. Funny how the bully ran to the teacher after getting a taste of her own medicine. Clearly can't take what she dishes out.

I hope you have your daughter's back here. If she hadn't defended herself she could have faced ongoing bullying.