Who is AIBU me or DH in regards to DD punching girl in her year.

[Pointlessworrying]

Our 14 year old DD is a wonderful, intelligent and happy girl, she is in Y9 at an independent all girls school and has a lovely bunch of friends.

She does however have quite a short fuse and like most teenage girls can be at times be quite grumpy, she also takes no prisoners and is quite good at putting up heathy barriers when it comes to her peers.

I would say she has a good sense of worth which we obviously encourage and the following is an isolated incident.

I caught the tale end of her telling her DS at the dinner table that a girl in her year had slapped her, the 1st time she had turned round she thought it must have been an accident, the 2nd she had asked her to stop the 3 time she actually caught her head and DD had turned round and punched her in the Jaw.

The girl was initially quite shocked and then had ran off an told a teacher supported by her friends. DD was asked by the teacher to have a chat she had explained the situation, teacher was really kind about it and just spoke to to DD about managing feelings and to come and talk to her in future.

However what has came out in this is this DH has fully supported DD in her actions, told her she was absolutely in the right and to do the same thing again.

Talking it over tonight he said that DD has the right the defend herself and couldn’t be punished for doing so, he also said that if she hadn’t retaliated in the way she did in found of a group of mean girls she would have opened herself up to bullying…

I however feel that DD has enough about her to do this without using her hands and worry that if this became more than a one off incident the repercussion it would have for her.

Mostly it’s highlighted that DH and I are obviously on quite different pages to how our DC should act in this kind of situation and wondered what people thought.

sorry - you mention the 3rd slap caught her in the head - where were the first 2? And when you say it (the 3rd) "actually caught her" in the head; was this a full on hard slap or the edge of a finger, for example.

I'm in two minds about what I think; I do now recall being well and truly slapped in the face when I was about 14 (I didn't hit back - I was smaller). But I wonder if the first two were not on her face, would a clear warning of what she would do if a 3rd slap occurred have been an effective deterrent?

My 12 year old , who is one of the smallest in his new comp, was being pushed around by a much bigger boy during sport. He put up with it for a few days, teachers were failing to notice, he then punched him. First time he'd had to do anything like that. He's had no more bother, and I didn't tell him off. I was clear that he should keep such actions as a last resort however.

Totally agree, my kids were brought up knowing that you never throw the first punch, but you throw the last. Neither of them got into fights (well none that I knew of anyway before someone says it!)

It's only what a boy would do. 🤷‍♀️

And there wasn’t a 4th slap. Job done.

I’d hazard a guess his options would be expletives or violence, anything else would get him laughed at.

What?

Mine are told to tell them firmly to 'stop'. It's not the words, it's the confidence & authority.

And if it doesn't work, teacher.

My kids have gone to a school with broadly good kids & great teachers who support the kids& parents, though.

If it stopped the bully who gives a fuck ?

I wouldn't want my DC at 7 using expletives.

I wouldn’t want mine being bullied

Unlikely to be any intent when slapped 3 times previous to this and one punch is not disproportionate to 3 slaps. Slaps can be hard enough to knock people unconscious.

I am with your DH and DD.

What was she supposed to do keep getting smacked by this girl.

Well since “leave me alone”, “go away” and the teacher speaking to him didn’t work, then yes I am more than happy he used they language

That's fair enough I suppose, I still wouldn't be happy but if there genuinely was no other option, I can see your point.

The school sound rubbish - I've never had that experience.

And in my DC school, both boys would be suspended.

So how many times is you daughter supposed to be hit before it's acceptable for her to stand up for herself? Coz I think 3 is a perfectly acceptable limit.
Why on Earth should she stand there and let someone attack her? The other girl is a bully who had her friends with her and it looks like she learnt a harsh lesson. One that was deserved!

Shocked you wouldn't be 100 % supportive. My three now grown up DC, were always told to defend themselves. None of this use your words nonsense , don't hit back. The bullies didn't touch my children more than once because although they wouldn't start a fight, they would end it.

Some nasty little cow physically attacked your child. Three times. She got exact what she deserved.

Soubriquet
Good for your 7 year old son!

And as for reporting it to teachers, nothing happens. My son was practically choked at primary school; the other (older) boy had his hands round his neck!
Apparently, they were both to get a detention because my son then fought back.
I laughed and said,
“Over my dead body!”
This same boy had scratched my son’s face the year before. It got infected and we had to answer some awkward questions from the GP when I took him (for a different reason).
And the GP knew us very well!
So, no IDGAF. I will always tell my child to hit back and hit HARDER.
I’m a teacher and I’ve seen way too much of this kind of stuff; the kid who finally stands up for themselves gets into the worst trouble.

I hope the girl who slapped your DD is licking her wounds tonight and regretting being a little bitch.

In principle I’m with your DH, your DD was attacked, what should she wait for? More slaps ? However it’s true that one punch can kill so she should be careful about the strength of her physical response. And her school didn’t follow up it with you, it’s a sign for me that she wasn’t so wrong.

My daughter had a similar altercation recently in the college cafe. Trouble had been brewing on social media between them and it was over a boy. The girl decided she was going to wait for my daughter at break time and beat her up. Unfortunately for her, my daughter is a little pit bull when its required and sorted her out with no trouble. The other girl was caught on cctv throwing the first punch and my daughter was in no trouble whatsoever. Your daughter sounds as if she plays fair. Nothing wrong with that

And ? If it stopped the bullying then it’s worth it

Way to have your daughter's back, mum 🙄

Seriously I'd be proud of her for handling her shit.

My daughter now 14 was 13 at the time a girl kept provoking her throughout the day at school, my daughter told her in no uncertain terms that she wasn't going to fight her. The head of year called me to tell me how mature my daughter is and how well she'd handled the provocation. FF to 3.15pm and the kids leave school (big school 1700 pupils) and the same girl tapped my daughter on the shoulder, daughter turned around only to be slapped hard across the cheek. My daughter retaliated at this point. She puller her down and punched her in the arm. My daughter is a black belt in Kung fu but didn't use any of her skills as she knew she would have really hurt the other girl. I called and spoke to the head of year and she said in not so many words that she was glad my daughter had defended herself in such a way as not to cause harm.
I'm sorry if you're looking for support here but I have to agree with your DH. If someone keeps poking the lion they need to expect to get bitten. Sounds like your DD is a typical hormonal teen who has stuck up for herself. 3 times of being slapped is really provocative and I'm pretty sure there aren't many kids that would take a slap in the face and not retaliate.

Hopefully it's a one off. Your daughter sounds cool and no-nonsense!

Having spent a week with a very distressed child who has been bullied to the point that they don’t want to go to school and both the school and police being worse than useless .., I think your daughter was absolutely correct .

When challenged the head teacher admitted the anti bullying policy “rarely worked “

@Icouldbehappy

This is awful - what a terrible school. I have never had any situation in either primary or secondary where the school has not been fully supportive.

I agree with you and I'm surprised the school didn't contact you. Our school has a zero tolerance policy on violence and both parents would have received a phone call in the situation you describe. Depending on what the other witnesses said, there might have been a suspension too.

fwiw the parents who give their kids carte blanche to hit when they think 'appropriate' are looked on very dimly by the other parents and the school. It's also very foolish advice when DCs are at an age where parents are more likely to involve the police if they feel a school has downplayed an incident.