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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is AIBU me or DH in regards to DD punching girl in her year.

287 replies

Pointlessworrying · 03/02/2023 20:20

Our 14 year old DD is a wonderful, intelligent and happy girl, she is in Y9 at an independent all girls school and has a lovely bunch of friends.

She does however have quite a short fuse and like most teenage girls can be at times be quite grumpy, she also takes no prisoners and is quite good at putting up heathy barriers when it comes to her peers.

I would say she has a good sense of worth which we obviously encourage and the following is an isolated incident.

I caught the tale end of her telling her DS at the dinner table that a girl in her year had slapped her, the 1st time she had turned round she thought it must have been an accident, the 2nd she had asked her to stop the 3 time she actually caught her head and DD had turned round and punched her in the Jaw.

The girl was initially quite shocked and then had ran off an told a teacher supported by her friends. DD was asked by the teacher to have a chat she had explained the situation, teacher was really kind about it and just spoke to to DD about managing feelings and to come and talk to her in future.

However what has came out in this is this DH has fully supported DD in her actions, told her she was absolutely in the right and to do the same thing again.

Talking it over tonight he said that DD has the right the defend herself and couldn’t be punished for doing so, he also said that if she hadn’t retaliated in the way she did in found of a group of mean girls she would have opened herself up to bullying…

I however feel that DD has enough about her to do this without using her hands and worry that if this became more than a one off incident the repercussion it would have for her.

Mostly it’s highlighted that DH and I are obviously on quite different pages to how our DC should act in this kind of situation and wondered what people thought.

OP posts:
Barbie222 · 03/02/2023 20:46

It wasn't self defence, it was retaliation. Self defence is blocking an incoming blow?

That said, I think what she did was understandable in a school situation where someone is repeatedly slapping your head (sounds like it was a wind up bop on head, not an angry slap on face).

I doubt very much that you'd be forced into a situation where someone was immature and annoying enough to slap you again and again for fun outside of a school environment, so I wouldn't worry that she would take this behaviour with her into adulthood and be in trouble with the police.

PinkiOcelot · 03/02/2023 20:47

Teeshirt · 03/02/2023 20:39

I’m shocked by the replies so far. I wouldn’t have punished her, and she was clearly provoked, but punching the girl was not the right thing to do. She should have walked away and reported it.

Nah. So she could then have been called a wuss and a coward?!

I told my dds if anyone ever hit them, to hit back. Harder. They didn’t turn out to be inmates of the future!

Fairyliz · 03/02/2023 20:47

lobeliasb · 03/02/2023 20:29

When I was 13 I was in almost the same scenario as your DD- a girl that bullied me relentlessly for the whole school year slapped me in the back of my head and kicked my leg, and I turned around and punched her. She never bothered me again, and I didn't turn into a criminal. Sometimes it's the only way to stop a bully.

Exactly the same thing happened to me. I’m 63 now so it was 50 years ago and I’ve managed not to hit anyone else since.

PriOn1 · 03/02/2023 20:47

and worry that if this became more than a one off incident the repercussion it would have for her.

The teacher already talked to her about how to deal with it next time, your DH had his say and you can also talk to her about how you would have handled it. But is there any particular reason to think it’s likely to become more than a one off incident?

I was bullied at school at about the same age for a while. It ended in a physical fight, teachers got involved, both of us were mildly in trouble (as your daughter was, from the sound of it) and it didn’t happen again.

Had your daughter started the fight, then you should probably be concerned. Presumably the other girl was not seriously hurt or there would have been more repercussions, so your daughter may well not have hit as hard as you are imagining.

Once is not a big deal and turning the other cheek is heavily overrated, especially for girls.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 03/02/2023 20:47

You don't like your daughter's personality much, do you?

PAFMO · 03/02/2023 20:49

Genegenieee · 03/02/2023 20:39

Shocked that so many think this would be self defence.

A slap or a punch could both result in criminal charges if the victim went to the police. However the resulting charge if any for the slap would be far less than for a punch.

And no the punch is not self defence. That is utter shite. The force used has to be reasonable. There is a ton of case law on this.

But good luck to all of you bringing up your kids this way. Future inmates of the future, ignorance and stupidity is not a defence either. Jesus wept.

Was beginning to think MN had been taken over by streetfighters tonight.
Well said.
OP- if this story is true, then presumably you've been in touch with the school, both about the incident leading to the punch, and the aftermath. Our school would have, rightly or wrongly, suspended your DD for 3 days. As pp says, a punch can kill.

Celinia · 03/02/2023 20:49

Can’t see a problem, your dd defended herself after warning the girl to stop.

donquixotedelamancha · 03/02/2023 20:52

Normally I think people teaching their kids to punch back are lunatics but in this case she was clearly defending herself.

KimberleyClark · 03/02/2023 20:54

Do you know if the slaps came out of the blue or whether there was some back story?

Soubriquet · 03/02/2023 20:55

I’m with dad. She told the girl to stop.

The other girl didn’t. Your dd was hit 3 times.

Fair play to your dd TBF

pointythings · 03/02/2023 20:55

I'm on the fence because punching is a potentially dangerous escalation, so I would be telling DD I understood her action but if this happens again to not opt for a punch but go for a retaliatory slap instead. That way it would be legitimate self defence.

Just sitting there saying 'please stop that' isn't going to cut it.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 03/02/2023 20:55

I would not let someone slap me three times. I am extremely gentle and been in very few physical incidents, if any, as an adult (one playground 'fight' that wasn't initiated by me). But I will stand my ground and I've pushed guys off/removed arms, given one of them a good shove, when out on nights out if someone has got massively inappropriate, a couple of times for myself and once for a friend.

That said there's some middle-ground here. I'd not criticize your dd on this occasion, but I would warn her of the consequences. She would absolutely get into criminal trouble for a punch, even with the provocation of a slap. I would tell her that directly. Out on a night out this could go really wrong.

MrsMiddleMother · 03/02/2023 20:57

I'm with DH and DD on this one. Growing up we was always taught never hit first but hit back

MissyB1 · 03/02/2023 20:57

Hang on a minute? Your dd was involved in a serious incident at school in which she punched a fellow pupil, but the school didn’t contact you? You only heard about it because dd was bragging to her brother about it?
Someone is exaggerating here, either you or dd.

ChristinaXYZ · 03/02/2023 20:58

Toooldtoworry · 03/02/2023 20:26

Am also with your DH and DD. Bullies need to be shown that their actions have consequences. Your daughter taught the bully the consequence of slapping someone x 3 is getting punched back.

That's fine so long as the bullies parents don't call the police. You cannot just punch people. It was not reasonable force - hand up to defend herself - fine. Even pushing her away as the bully came near her if your DD reasonably expected another slap. But not a punch. For your DD's sake she needs to know she might well not get away with that either legally or actually - as someone else has said one punch can kill and she would have to live with the knowledge of that and the consequences.

Teeshirt · 03/02/2023 20:59

PinkiOcelot · 03/02/2023 20:47

Nah. So she could then have been called a wuss and a coward?!

I told my dds if anyone ever hit them, to hit back. Harder. They didn’t turn out to be inmates of the future!

Show quote history

How would that make her a wuss and a coward? It’s a bit pathetic to hit someone - the mark of someone not in control of themselves. It’s much stronger to control your emotions and react appropriately. And even if she was a “coward”, better than than aggression.

PriOn1 · 03/02/2023 20:59

PAFMO · 03/02/2023 20:49

Was beginning to think MN had been taken over by streetfighters tonight.
Well said.
OP- if this story is true, then presumably you've been in touch with the school, both about the incident leading to the punch, and the aftermath. Our school would have, rightly or wrongly, suspended your DD for 3 days. As pp says, a punch can kill.

Show quote history

Well said to the idiot who suggested that a girl who didn’t start a fight, but merely lost her temper a bit and retaliated against someone bullying her would go to prison?

Get a grip, both of you. The chances of OP’s daughter are so negligible it’s laughable anyone would even think it. Both girls will grow up and probably never hit anyone again.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 03/02/2023 20:59

you can also do things to stop aggression which aren't run and tell the teacher or put up with it. If someone did that, I'd put my hand up to stop them slapping and shout 'don't f*ing do that again' at them, then stand up, walk away in a physically strong manner. In most cases, getting into a fistfight isn't the best way, because there's always a chance that you escalate and then they escalate back.

Soubriquet · 03/02/2023 20:59

I’ve told my children to hit back. Even swear back if they have too.

There’s a kid a year above my ds who keeps picking on him.

Ds is only 7 but he turned round and told the boy to fuck off.

Boy has left him alone since. I fully support him

Teeshirt · 03/02/2023 21:00

Soubriquet · 03/02/2023 20:59

I’ve told my children to hit back. Even swear back if they have too.

There’s a kid a year above my ds who keeps picking on him.

Ds is only 7 but he turned round and told the boy to fuck off.

Boy has left him alone since. I fully support him

Absolutely shocking.

Rainyday4321 · 03/02/2023 21:00

I have told my DD that there is a 3 strike rule- and then she is allowed to use physical force.
first time - tell them to stop and or tell a teacher
second time- as above.
third time- hit them back and don’t pull your punches.

I stand by it. The people who are supposed to deal with it get 2 chances to get it right. After that- you are totally allowed to deal with it yourself.

Why would you teach them that that is never an option?

Rowthe · 03/02/2023 21:02

Pointlessworrying · 03/02/2023 20:25

I wouldn’t say I thought she was in the wrong necessarily wrong I just know that these things aren’t always black and white when it come to repercussions and punishment and would worry what that might mean for my daughter.

She doesn’t know her own strength and I can guarantee the hook she gave the girl back would have been 10 times harder than what she did to her.

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Dont thi k you need to worry.

I doubt that girl will do the same again.

And news like this spreads quick.

Doubt many others will try and attack your daughter either.

She protected herself. Which is great!

pictoosh · 03/02/2023 21:03

If you don't put someone who feels at liberty to hit you straight the first time, they keep coming back.
That girl will not be hitting your dd again.

MrWhippersnapper · 03/02/2023 21:04

she won’t do it again

Ghostbusters104 · 03/02/2023 21:04

Yes to DD all the way, tried to resolve with words , not happening, slapped the twat, good on her.