Who is AIBU me or DH in regards to DD punching girl in her year.

[Pointlessworrying]

Our 14 year old DD is a wonderful, intelligent and happy girl, she is in Y9 at an independent all girls school and has a lovely bunch of friends.

She does however have quite a short fuse and like most teenage girls can be at times be quite grumpy, she also takes no prisoners and is quite good at putting up heathy barriers when it comes to her peers.

I would say she has a good sense of worth which we obviously encourage and the following is an isolated incident.

I caught the tale end of her telling her DS at the dinner table that a girl in her year had slapped her, the 1st time she had turned round she thought it must have been an accident, the 2nd she had asked her to stop the 3 time she actually caught her head and DD had turned round and punched her in the Jaw.

The girl was initially quite shocked and then had ran off an told a teacher supported by her friends. DD was asked by the teacher to have a chat she had explained the situation, teacher was really kind about it and just spoke to to DD about managing feelings and to come and talk to her in future.

However what has came out in this is this DH has fully supported DD in her actions, told her she was absolutely in the right and to do the same thing again.

Talking it over tonight he said that DD has the right the defend herself and couldn’t be punished for doing so, he also said that if she hadn’t retaliated in the way she did in found of a group of mean girls she would have opened herself up to bullying…

I however feel that DD has enough about her to do this without using her hands and worry that if this became more than a one off incident the repercussion it would have for her.

Mostly it’s highlighted that DH and I are obviously on quite different pages to how our DC should act in this kind of situation and wondered what people thought.

Quite right too.

I'm confused by the 'doesn't know her own strength' statement... Why doesn't she know her own strength? Is she freakishly strong? Or you haven't mentioned she's a black belt or...what?

She doesn’t know her own strength and I can guarantee the hook she gave the girl back would have been 10 times harder than what she did to her.

Good. Well done to your DD!

Hopefully the bully who started it will think twice about doing something like that again.

I think this might be a tad OTT.

And frankly I don’t give a fuck.

Im not having my son picked on and the teachers doing nothing. By him saying those two words, his bully stopped.

The problem with retaliation is there is a chance that your DD’s retaliatory punch will be seen by or reported to teachers, but the original slaps aren’t seen or reported.

At which point your DD may say oh she slapped me three times first but if everyone else says no she never, your DD is in big big trouble.

The other issue is if the girl carries on with her slapping (despite all the assurances here that the punch will stop her doing it ever again ) your DD can’t really complain to teachers as the girl will just say well she punched me and your DD loses any sympathy.

I think your DD should be aware of the potential for that situation to have gone wrong and for her to be in trouble if it had, because unfortunately imo, PP's are right and a punch in response to slaps could be seen as retaliation rather than self defence, pushing the hand away or raising an arm if unable to get away, and that going wrong would be more likely to be seen as self defence, but, and it's not necessarily fair when the one who creates the whole situation becomes the victim, but it's the way it works, and clearly this girl knows that because she ran off to tell the teacher when your DD retaliated, so she needs to be mindful of future incidents and how she handles them.

That said, part of me thinks that if a few more bullies got walloped back and were then told that it's a potential risk when you bully someone that they'll retaliate and you'll lose, rather than told they're the victim, there'd be less bullying all round.

I think you’re both right

I would say she wasn’t in the wrong to do what she did. But that violence has to be the last resort. I’d talk to DD about exactly what happened, blow by blow (pun intended) and delve into the point at which she could have done something for it not to descend into a punch being thrown.

Separately, I’m alarmed at this indecorous behaviour from such young ladies <gasped in my old headmistress’s sternest voice!>

Team Dad here.

Other girl behaved like an arsehole and your DD defended herself.

I work in a girl’s school, we don’t get much punching, mainly ragging each others hair out and scratching. Hopefully the girl will leave her alone now

Exactly this.

Some of these responses are mental.

I too would not have 'punished' but I would be absolutely clear it was unacceptable behaviour.

Regardless of the other girl's behaviour, you cannot respond by punching.

She is 14. In the real world, you do have to find other ways of dealing with unwanted or wrong behaviour, other than retaliating physically.

In the school my DC go to, both girls would be punished.

I'm with your DH. Good for your DD.

The bully will think twice before doing that again.

I second this

Oh for goodness sake!

Yes its shocking that kids are having to do this to protect themselves.

The hope is the school bullying policy does it job, but in the real world that isnt always what happens.

I agree that she is defending herself and would say the same to my DD at that age.
The girl is unlikely to do it again now she's been hit back.

Can't believe she waited till the third time to belt her back

Words don't work at that age

I'm with her dad. I'd be emailing HoY and asking for a phone call home about it aswell.

You are happy your 7 yo said fuck off to another child?

Christ.

He can stand up for himself (which I agree with) without expletives

I’d hazard a guess his options would be expletives or violence, anything else would get him laughed at.

It is not self-defence. Look up the legal meaning of self-defence. It does not meet that definition. Retaliation is not self-defence.

Team DH.
DD didn't start it and any wishy washy talking to the teacher would have gotten nowhere.
Ask anyone who has been bullied if running to the teacher has helped.
If the girl was worried by the teacher she wouldn't be slapping DD in the first place.
DD has publicly shown she isn't an easy target to attack, I doubt she will be bothered again now.

If it stopped the bully who gives a fuck ?

My DS was a bit picked on at school for being ‘clever’. He played football with a group of friends/acquaintances outside of school. One day there was an altercation during a game, which resulted in one of the boys trying to humiliate him in the dinner hall (ruffling his hair and refusing to stop.) My DS had enough and walloped him. He and the other boy were swooped on immediately and both ended up in the isolation unit for a week. However, the school recognised that my DS’s actions were totally out of character and the other boy appeared to be treated much more harshly.

I am surprised that the OP’s daughter’s school didn’t take this more seriously - bullying should NEVER be taken lightly, but equally, the victim should be made to be aware that their actions could have serious consequences. The school should also be offering support to the OP’s daughter / why did this happen?

Well since “leave me alone”, “go away” and the teacher speaking to him didn’t work, then yes I am more than happy he used they language