Who is AIBU me or DH in regards to DD punching girl in her year.

[Pointlessworrying]

Our 14 year old DD is a wonderful, intelligent and happy girl, she is in Y9 at an independent all girls school and has a lovely bunch of friends.

She does however have quite a short fuse and like most teenage girls can be at times be quite grumpy, she also takes no prisoners and is quite good at putting up heathy barriers when it comes to her peers.

I would say she has a good sense of worth which we obviously encourage and the following is an isolated incident.

I caught the tale end of her telling her DS at the dinner table that a girl in her year had slapped her, the 1st time she had turned round she thought it must have been an accident, the 2nd she had asked her to stop the 3 time she actually caught her head and DD had turned round and punched her in the Jaw.

The girl was initially quite shocked and then had ran off an told a teacher supported by her friends. DD was asked by the teacher to have a chat she had explained the situation, teacher was really kind about it and just spoke to to DD about managing feelings and to come and talk to her in future.

However what has came out in this is this DH has fully supported DD in her actions, told her she was absolutely in the right and to do the same thing again.

Talking it over tonight he said that DD has the right the defend herself and couldn’t be punished for doing so, he also said that if she hadn’t retaliated in the way she did in found of a group of mean girls she would have opened herself up to bullying…

I however feel that DD has enough about her to do this without using her hands and worry that if this became more than a one off incident the repercussion it would have for her.

Mostly it’s highlighted that DH and I are obviously on quite different pages to how our DC should act in this kind of situation and wondered what people thought.

Did your DD fear for her life or something? It's not self defense, it's retaliation. I can understand why she punched the gir6.
I wouldn't punish her but I wouldn't be praising her either. You don't want her growing up thinking she can hit people.
I would have said I understood why she hit her but would also ask her to think of a better way deal with it.
Having said that at least you know your DD won't go through 5 years of being bullied (mine did!) which is certainly a positive.

I'll always teach my kids to hit someone back if someone lifts their hand to them. I know it's far from ideal but even though it's 20 years since I left school I know that defending yourself with words is futile with bullies, they don't hit the people who will give them a right hook. So I'm with your DH on this one OP.

Good for her! Yes using your words is a good choice in the first instance but if someone slapped me three times I would be tempted to deck them as well!

What would you be saying, if it was an attacking male that your daughter walloped?
Good for your daughter btw!

Well hopefully the potential bully won't hit anyone again.

Good on your daughter for sticking up for herself .

And ? If it stopped the bullying then it’s worth it

Are you serious?!

I know the educational system (thankfully) is different in Ireland but suspension is a big deal and certainly not taken lightly

I expect the school to deal with the bullying. I know many posters are saying they don't - and that's unacceptable - but the solution is not to escalate the behaviour, IMO

I'd secretly be proud of her for sticking up for herself I must say! Sounds like the girl who slapped her got what she deserved.....

That being said, I would probably try to encourage alternative, less violent methods for resolving such issues should they occur again.

Yes I’m serious but you’re clearly in cuckoo land.

Good, the other girl might think twice before putting her hands on anyone else again.

Good life lesson for her.... someone might hit you back one day and you ain't gonna like it.

Why are u even questioning it? Why aren't you pleased you're daughter protected herself? 'Be kind' gone too fucking far..again. What would have happened if she hadn't punched her? Maybe your daughter would have been seriously hurt. Luckily you don't have to find out.

Team dh here.

Her running up to the teachers as some have suggested would have escalated things. This only increases getting bullied. Snitching/grassing up for many is a big no. Bully would have gotten in trouble and who is the person to take the revenge, egged on by others?

She would have been told to ignore etc which is meaningless.

Only way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them.

Your DD was right for sticking up for herself but anyone who has any martial arts or boxing training knows that punching someone in the jaw is an absolute last resort and can have terrible consequences. Unless she is trained, she needs to resort to a shove or slap if she must. But a punch to the jaw delivered in a certain way can be fatal.

Hopefully this other girl now knows that if you repeatedly slap someone they might punch you.
As long as they were relatively well matched and the other kid wasn’t younger or had SEN or something then I think what she did was completely understandable.

Yeah that’s not foul play. I’m a teacher. Sometimes you meet your inevitable match. The worst little divas are in the independents though imo. Ghastly places.

I think it's vanishingly unlikely that a young teen girl is going to throw a deadly punch. A bit OTT of PP to suggest as much.

I always tell children that retaliation and violence isn't the answer but honestly on the 3rd slap she deserved it and I would've have done the same and would back my kids up if they did too.

A teen was killed by a single punch in my hometown. Yes it's unlikely, but absolutely punching someone in the jaw is not something to be encouraged.

Having dealt with a long history of my DS being bullied, I’m with your DH.

Not unreasonable to retaliate physically in my opinion but a punch to the head is always wrong as it's so dangerous.

How would your dd cope if she had caused brain damage or even death?

Stupid games win stupid prizes, if the girl's going to go round slapping people she needs to accept she's likely to get a harder slap back.

I mean of course it's not ideal, but is it likely a 14 year old girl without martial arts training is going to kill someone with a single, probably fairly weak, punch?

Was the teen killed by a young teenage girl? Fatal punches almost always seem to involve boys/young men in bar fights

Even if it was a deadly punch you'd not get that long for it. My husband's friend died from a single punch when he tried to break up a fight outside a pub, the guy got 18 months.

ONE hit to the head can be fatal
She was right to hit back after asking it to stop

Shocking?

you clearly don't spend much time around kids in the playground!

Team husband.

My children know that you should never raise your hand to someone in anger but also that if someone hits you first they can take care of whatever business they feel at the time they need to.

The girl, not your daughter, escalated things. Your DD did what is right, tried using her words and when nothing worked did what she felt she needed to do.