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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a marriage you’d put up with?

229 replies

DarkYorkshire · 03/02/2023 18:06

I have a big dilemma and need to change now or forever hold my peace. I’ll try to give the whole situation without drip feed.

I married six years ago. No kids, not first marriage for either. We’re both early 50s.

We both have good jobs and I have a BTL mortgage on a home from before we met. It’s in a different part of the country to where we live and work. It’s rented out and we live in ‘his’ house. We pay bills 50/50 and have separate finances. He has family inheritance and earns quite a bit more than me. I get by but have no savings as I’m contributing to his large mortgage (agreed under the 50% sharing). The rent almost covers my BTL mortgage. My house is a modest two bed terrace in not expensive area. I don’t have pots of equity in it and have no other pension provision so don’t want to sell it.

He is very stingy and mean. I recently got a 2nd job to help with some extra cash for Christmas (I had to give it up as it was burning me out working 50+ hrs a week over both jobs). He bought himself a £5k cycle during this time as his perfectly ok one ‘needed upgrading’. Fine it’s his money.

He spends a lot of money on himself. Always the best clothes and shoes. Expensive watches. I got a card at Christmas and a deckchair for my birthday.

My question is he unreasonable or am I for wishing my husband who has a lot of spare cash wouldn’t expect me to meet the bills halfway and might help me out rather than see me burn out? I don’t mean lavishly helping just maybe a reduction on my payments and he pay a bit more?

My friend thinks it’s a disgusting way to be treated and that our marriage is a bit of a sham. I’m inclined to believe her. He is mean in many other ways but never physically violent - it’s not the point of the thread but to give context quite emotionally manipulative and unkind at times.

Obviously upping sticks and leaving is an option but at 50 odd I don’t really want to start all over again. My house is not commutable from my job. So to live there I’d need a new job.

I do appreciate my situation is not as dire as some on here and apologise if it offends anyone. Not my intention.

OP posts:
Itsfridaynightok · 03/02/2023 18:09

I personally couldn't live like this. But I'm very much everything in one pot type.

Ponderingwindow · 03/02/2023 18:12

When bills are split 50:50 the only fair thing to do is to live well within the lower financially placed person’s means. The lifestyle needs to allow that person to still be able to save comfortably.

I would expect a radical reconfiguration of finances or leave.

if you like your current job, you don’t have to return to your owned home. You have options there.

Original poster
DarkYorkshire · 03/02/2023 18:16

I live within my means but have no savings as my outgoings match my incomings. We don’t live a lavish way, he does a bit more than me. He socialises more and has had a few cycling holidays with friends.

If I left I’d be no better off as I’d need to rent and even a small flat would be a big chunk of my salary. That’s my dilemma, leaving is an option but is it a better one?

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 03/02/2023 18:16

Doesn't sound great to me. Money aside, it sounds as if his life has continued as before and you've just been sloted in. I'd be curious to know how he'd respond if you said you wanted to live in the smaller property now for a few years as you were finding it difficult with the inequity. It does seem an odd arrangement. Most people would contribute proportional to their income. Suggest that, but if he says no don't step down, step up!....say you're paying nothing towards his mortgage and it's down to him to decide if the value you add is enough for him to get you to stay!

Dartmoorcheffy · 03/02/2023 18:16

Get the hell out of there. 50s is still plenty young enough to enjoy another 30 or 40 years of life hopefully. Do you really want to be stuck with this miserable tight git. It will never get any better and you will never be truly happy.

I know many many people who have met a new partner in their 50s, and 60s, who have had a blissfully happy few decades together.

Badgerloco · 03/02/2023 18:17

Me either. Surely the whole point of marriage is to make each other happy. He sounds like he has no interest in making you happy at all, and you are letting him. Life is too bloody short.

Coffeellama · 03/02/2023 18:19

Why would you stay? Nobody should ‘put up’ with a marriage. Leave! Can you sell your house and buy something close to your job?

Eleganz · 03/02/2023 18:21

The problem is that you are in a later life marriage and you've built separate careers and levels of wealth going into this relationship so it isn't quite as straightforward as a marriage where you end up building wealth and careers together. However the financial arrangements aren't quite working for you and you need to sit down with him a revisit that.

Your BTL property doesn't seem to be adding value to your life, although it does represent an escape plan I suppose if you need it.

But, the gifts thing is pretty shitty. He spend £5k on bike for himself and gets his wife a card for Christmas. Most women would be fucking furious at that one. That really is taking tight and selfish to a whole new level. Bet you got him a present.

BreviloquentBastard · 03/02/2023 18:21

If the best thing you can say about him is "he's never physically violent" then I'm sorry, but that's tragic.

No, I would not put up with this, in other words.

SoyMarina · 03/02/2023 18:22

You must have known what he was like before you married him, seriously, you are old and wise enough to know this will not end well.

WashAsDelicates · 03/02/2023 18:23

My friend thinks it’s a disgusting way to be treated and that our marriage is a bit of a sham. I’m inclined to believe her.

I'm inclined to agree.

Ponderoveryonder · 03/02/2023 18:24

It sounds utterly crap. Hopefully people will come along with inspirational stories of moving on from crap husbands and starting from scratch for something more fulfilling.
It sounds very socially embarrassing too? People must notice (as your friend has)?.

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 03/02/2023 18:24

I would not stay married to someone who is 'mean and unkind' towards me regardless of the finances.

InspectorPaws · 03/02/2023 18:25

No, I wouldn’t live like this. However, that means I wouldn’t agree to that set-up in the first place. You appear to have agreed to separate finances and now changed your mind and want his money because you’re worse off than he is. The set up seems fair enough to me when you consider that you’re having to live off what you earn and he’s having to live off what he earns - it’s just not what most people (I think it’s most people, at least) consider an equal split. Having said that, most marriages are set up with recognition that one party takes a hit for children etc. I think it’s potentially different if you meet later in life and you’re already established career-wise.

I don’t think you’re wrong to want a different set up. I do think it would be wrong to expect him to give you money that he never agreed to give you when you clearly had these discussions and outlined expectations.

Original poster
DarkYorkshire · 03/02/2023 18:27

SoyMarina · 03/02/2023 18:22

You must have known what he was like before you married him, seriously, you are old and wise enough to know this will not end well.

Yes I knew him before we married but he’s got stingier as time has gone on. The difference in our earnings has increased also as he got a substantial promotion shortly after we married.

I did buy him a gift for Christmas but he is super fussy and only likes very expensive clothes etc so it was more of a token gesture than anything. A camera - not of huge value. It’s not about the value of gifts for me and I was chuffed with my deckchair and a bit upset with nothing.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 03/02/2023 18:27

Do you pay half his mortgage?

Are you named on the property?

RagzRebooted · 03/02/2023 18:29

Why did you get married? You don't have children so no need to secure yourself financially through marriage. There's no perks for you in this unless he dies and you inherit his assets.

You haven't mentioned any good points... Sounds like you'd be no worse off if you divorced.

GabriellaMontez · 03/02/2023 18:29

WashAsDelicates · 03/02/2023 18:23

My friend thinks it’s a disgusting way to be treated and that our marriage is a bit of a sham. I’m inclined to believe her.

I'm inclined to agree.

Me too.

Unkind? In what way?

Ludo19 · 03/02/2023 18:30

Christ what are you getting out of this marriage/arrangement?

Does he make you happy?

He sounds as tight as a crabs arse!

Hillrunning · 03/02/2023 18:30

I stopped reading when you said he was mean. Relationships are supposed to enhance the good stuff in your life and reduce the bad shit.

GroggyLegs · 03/02/2023 18:31

This isn't a marriage - you're not a unit, looking to work together and support each other.

What might you be entitled to in a divorce settlement? Hopefully he's shot himself in the foot allowing you to contribute towards the mortgage?

He's not even nice "never physically violent" is a basic pre-requisite for all humans OP, its not the measure of a good man.

Original poster
DarkYorkshire · 03/02/2023 18:31

No not named on his property.
Marriage was something I wanted (probably more than him). Security I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkYorkshire · 03/02/2023 18:33

I don’t think I’d get anything in a divorce settlement. I’m not financially dependent on him and he had the house before we met.

OP posts:
NImumconfused · 03/02/2023 18:34

The finances are a bit of a red herring in a way - you supported yourself before you moved in with him presumably so I'm sure you could do it again.

Outside of that, does he make you happy? Do you enjoy his company, have a decent sex life, have fun, do you share the housework fairly, does he take care of you when you're ill? Does being with him make your life better? If the answer is no or not really, why would you stay?

Crikeyalmighty · 03/02/2023 18:35

It's not ok at all- oh and by the way you would be fine- it's likely he would have to pay you a significant amount as it no longer is 'his' house regardless of how you see it- but same goes for your buy to let- equity would I believe go into the'assets ' pot. It's not that long a marriage but I suspect you would come out with rather more than you think . I certainly wouldn't put up with that level of separateness yet 50% contribution unless you were on similar money