Is this a marriage you’d put up with?

[DarkYorkshire]

I have a big dilemma and need to change now or forever hold my peace. I’ll try to give the whole situation without drip feed.

I married six years ago. No kids, not first marriage for either. We’re both early 50s.

We both have good jobs and I have a BTL mortgage on a home from before we met. It’s in a different part of the country to where we live and work. It’s rented out and we live in ‘his’ house. We pay bills 50/50 and have separate finances. He has family inheritance and earns quite a bit more than me. I get by but have no savings as I’m contributing to his large mortgage (agreed under the 50% sharing). The rent almost covers my BTL mortgage. My house is a modest two bed terrace in not expensive area. I don’t have pots of equity in it and have no other pension provision so don’t want to sell it.

He is very stingy and mean. I recently got a 2nd job to help with some extra cash for Christmas (I had to give it up as it was burning me out working 50+ hrs a week over both jobs). He bought himself a £5k cycle during this time as his perfectly ok one ‘needed upgrading’. Fine it’s his money.

He spends a lot of money on himself. Always the best clothes and shoes. Expensive watches. I got a card at Christmas and a deckchair for my birthday.

My question is he unreasonable or am I for wishing my husband who has a lot of spare cash wouldn’t expect me to meet the bills halfway and might help me out rather than see me burn out? I don’t mean lavishly helping just maybe a reduction on my payments and he pay a bit more?

My friend thinks it’s a disgusting way to be treated and that our marriage is a bit of a sham. I’m inclined to believe her. He is mean in many other ways but never physically violent - it’s not the point of the thread but to give context quite emotionally manipulative and unkind at times.

Obviously upping sticks and leaving is an option but at 50 odd I don’t really want to start all over again. My house is not commutable from my job. So to live there I’d need a new job.

I do appreciate my situation is not as dire as some on here and apologise if it offends anyone. Not my intention.

Yes. I agree. Speak to a lawyer first. Then knowing behind the scenes where you stand legally, take him on and tell him how it's crippling u financially and see how he responds. If hes happy to see u struggling with finances whilst he indulges himself then yes time to reassess. If he gets it and is kindly, then yay.

Yes as noted above you aren't really paying a mortgage (i.e. partly owning the home), it's rent and you should view it like that. It's probably more than rent would cost? Sorry, everyone has said everything already and I hardly ever post - but I really feel for you, like you I found love/a long term relationship later in life, it's a strong relationship but has involved a lot of learning how to 'be' together because we were both so independent. But one thing those years of not being in a steady relationship taught me is that I can do it alone. If need be I could do it alone again, and I am sure you could too. He's ripping you off (or just has a really transactional view of relationships - but it leads to ripping you off) and it's really not fair on you. You certainly deserve more and I wish you all the best xx

If he does not want to give up capital in his house that is his prerogative, but he should not be charging you rent to live in the house. Bills should be shared equally but no rent should be due. What are you really getting out of this relationship? As others have said you deserve more.

Why are you paying half his mortgage in with your share of the bills? Has he put your name on the house? I wouldn’t be paying half a mortgage for a house that I wasn’t on.

Have you’ve suggested you carried on paying half the bills but nothing towards the mortgage? I would go as far as to say you shouldn’t be paying any bills towards the up keep if a house that is his, eg building insurance, maintenance etc