Is this a marriage you’d put up with?

[DarkYorkshire]

I have a big dilemma and need to change now or forever hold my peace. I’ll try to give the whole situation without drip feed.

I married six years ago. No kids, not first marriage for either. We’re both early 50s.

We both have good jobs and I have a BTL mortgage on a home from before we met. It’s in a different part of the country to where we live and work. It’s rented out and we live in ‘his’ house. We pay bills 50/50 and have separate finances. He has family inheritance and earns quite a bit more than me. I get by but have no savings as I’m contributing to his large mortgage (agreed under the 50% sharing). The rent almost covers my BTL mortgage. My house is a modest two bed terrace in not expensive area. I don’t have pots of equity in it and have no other pension provision so don’t want to sell it.

He is very stingy and mean. I recently got a 2nd job to help with some extra cash for Christmas (I had to give it up as it was burning me out working 50+ hrs a week over both jobs). He bought himself a £5k cycle during this time as his perfectly ok one ‘needed upgrading’. Fine it’s his money.

He spends a lot of money on himself. Always the best clothes and shoes. Expensive watches. I got a card at Christmas and a deckchair for my birthday.

My question is he unreasonable or am I for wishing my husband who has a lot of spare cash wouldn’t expect me to meet the bills halfway and might help me out rather than see me burn out? I don’t mean lavishly helping just maybe a reduction on my payments and he pay a bit more?

My friend thinks it’s a disgusting way to be treated and that our marriage is a bit of a sham. I’m inclined to believe her. He is mean in many other ways but never physically violent - it’s not the point of the thread but to give context quite emotionally manipulative and unkind at times.

Obviously upping sticks and leaving is an option but at 50 odd I don’t really want to start all over again. My house is not commutable from my job. So to live there I’d need a new job.

I do appreciate my situation is not as dire as some on here and apologise if it offends anyone. Not my intention.

He is taking you for a fool. You’re paying half his mortgage and he will own the entire house. He is using you.

He sounds very manipulative. I can't bear people who pretend to be charming and kind at the beginning to lure you in and then show their true colours when they think you're tied to them and it's less easy to get away. I agree with PPs that in a good marriage you should be a team and the other person should more often than not enhance your life, not drag you down.

I have to say, he sounds awful. I can't imagine making someone pay half of my mortgage when it's all in my name and I've got pots of money swilling around, leaving them to get a second job and be struggling to make ends meet. I really think you'd be happier without him because you wouldn't have to be reminded of the stinginess and the unkindness every single day. It wears down your self esteem and eats away at you. You deserve so much better OP.

You say that you don’t have kids. Does he have kids, op? I wondered why he is tight with his money. Is he accumulating it to pass on to someone? If not, then why isn’t he prepared to share some enjoyment with you now?

It should not be 50/50 imo, it should be % of earnings so proportionate to earnings, as it is you are subsidising him

He's happy for you to pay his mortgage and subsidise his life while you just get by. No, this is not fair at all. You have been paying his mortgage and I'm sure he has the cash to help you get on your feet if you divorce. Definitely leave and enjoy an easier life without him.

Your headline was enough without reading. The answer is no, nobody should put up with anything.

op why did you agree to pay half of his mortgage every month? Its not your house and he def doesnt see it as half your house. You should be paying half of bills snd food only.

Has he made a will? Have you? Who's he leaving his estate to?

I don't like stingy men. I wouldn't be with him in the first place

I get the impression that you think that paying 50/50 on the mortgage is 'completely fair' because you both live there.

Just want to make sure you realise that in paying 50/50 on a repayment mortgage when he will own the house at the end - you're giving him a substantial financial gift each month. Even though you earn less.

A mortgage costs about twice as much in repayments over the whole mortgage as you borrowed at the start. So you could very roughly say that half of the mortgage each month is the cost of having the use of the house, and half is being built up so that at the end of the mortgage you (or rather he) owns this asset worth half of all the mortgage payments. It's actually even more in his favour than that, since houses increase in value, so some of that 50% which we said was 'to have the use of the house' is actually being used to invest in the growth of this asset - the interest is paid by you both to have taken ownership of the house earlier - and he gets the benefit of house price growth.

So you've definitely paid for part of his house over the last 6 years - not just the use of it as you lived there, but the actual asset. If/when you get the divorce settlement, you mustn't see this as you taking something that's his. It absolutely isn't - for 6 years you have paid both capital repayment and interest which has allowed capital growth. Part of that house is yours. Make sure you get that back!

What did you agree when you married in terms of ownership and ultimate rights over the house you now live in? Thing is if it's willed to you in a will or you'd be expected to take half in a divorce then if you can then you should pay half

I think that before you judge h him you need to have a very clear conversation with him about his current arrangement is not working for you due to the inequity of it. Explain that you are paying off his mortgage with no thing to show for it. Demonstrate the difference in disposable income each month and ask if he thinks it is fair. If you don't have joint money, at the very least, your contributions should be based on y your incomes.

This sounds very joyless and it sounds like your friend is right - it’s a sham. No, I couldn’t live like that.

He’s onto a good thing, isn’t he? Got you paying half of his mortgage and half of everything else. You’re breaking even and he’s wasting £5k on a bike he doesn’t need. You’re helping fund his indulgences. I would put money on if that you do all the housework and cooking etc. I wouldn’t want to be washing the underpants of a mean spirited man like that. You’re his housekeeper not his wife.

I think it’s time to lay your cards on the table and tell him how you feel. You absolutely would be entitled to something from the house regardless of whether he’d be happy about it as you’ve contributed 50/50 to the mortgage. Unless things change and change radically, I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life living like that.

In a word, 'No'.

You need to let go of the idea of always being with someone and embrace what being single at 50 could mean- a whole new exciting future on your own or possibly with someone nicer.

You sound insecure and a bit needy which is why you have needed up with a man who is mean.

50 is nothing thee days. You may live till you are 90.
Surely another 40 years like this is wasting your life?

You ought to be with a man (if at all) who adores you and enhances your life.

This isn't the one you have now.

Be brave and walk away.

I would lay out clearly how I feel. Talk through possible changes like you paying a much smaller portion, getting your name on the house. If he ignores that and carries on like this I would have to call it a day.

Does he have children?

I agree with your friend, it's an awful way to treat you. He's happy to see you working 2 jobs to pay your way whilst he has surplus cash, that's not what you do with someone your supposed to love.

Firstly I'd not be paying 50%, he earns more so should be paying more. It's all family money after all, whatever % he earns more than you, he should be paying that % more.

It sounds like it's making you feel miserable and that's not worth staying for. If he earns more he should contribute more. You need to save for your future and he should understand that. Could you sell your house and buy somewhere closer to where you work? Could you just tell him you're not contributing 50% any more.
I think I would see a solicitor and get an idea of what my position is now and will be in the future with regard to a house I'm paying 50% of the bills for. I'm not infering you should take his house but if you can't save because you're contributing so much I think you need some guarentees.

I'm saying this kindly but maybe have a think on it?

You do sound downtrodden and lacking in confidence.
(Even your first post here apologises for 'how it may sound')

My initial reaction when I read that post was simply 'No way!'

You are being used. It is frankly ridiculous that you are paying half his mortgage yet aren't a joint owner!

Only you know, but you come over as being a bit timid about stating what you want and asserting yourself.

If this is a long standing issue maybe talking to a counsellor might help?

I'm wondering if your 2nd marriage mirrors your first or a pattern in your relationships, where you accept 2nd best (or men who are emotionally mean/ unavailable)?

You know this is a dead relationship and you just need to be brave and end it.
Being alone isn't the end of the world- far better than with someone like this.
And you are 50- not 80! Years ahead to find someone else if you want that.

Just say I’m real sorry but this 50/50 is not working for me , I don’t have a pot to piss in. Tell him what you can afford to put towards the running of the house .

No I wouldn’t stay. It’s not marriage as I think it should be. I always think it’s an unfair split when one partner vastly out-earns the other (and also has an inheritance in your husband’s case) and bills are split 50/50. It would be fairer to use a ratio that reflects your wages.

It would leave me a bit cold that I was struggling and my partner was spending 5k on a bike without a second thought. I have a friend in a marriage like this and her husband is very controlling and manipulative, the marriage is very convenient for him and his needs.

Is have a conversation with him and say you cannot afford to pay half his mortgage every month. You are not benefitting from it as it is his property. Then wait for his response.

Its not about what's 'fair', it's about caring for someone and wanting the best for them. This, for me, includes sharing your physical resources to make their life good, because you love them, and don't want to see them struggle or go without, even comparatively. I can't conceive of loving someone and not being generous towards them.
Obviously in mature relationships you need to preserve your own assets and not be taken advantage of, but there's a balance.

I felt so sad reading this OP. He is unkind. And meanness is an awful trait in people that is not easily changed. I left a marriage aged 48 because he was selfish and unkind. Yes it has cost me, but the resentment lifting has changed me for the better totally.

You don’t deserve to be treated like that.
It’s heartbreaking hearing about when you’ve made the effort for the other person and don’t get the same level of thoughtfulness back.

Every single milestone birthday for me was a disappointment. I never even had a cake bought or made. And I used to push the boat out with really wonderful creative ideas that ExH loved. And yet nothing back. What happened to cherishing your partner and doing things that make them happy?

The love we had just simply evaporated slowly and I watched it all unravel in front of me. Two years on, I am slowly rebuilding my life and finances.

I’m in charge of my next milestone birthday but of course still secretly wish that I had someone that made me a priority. At least I can put me first. Perhaps I will be someone’s priority one day but for now I won’t disappoint myself!

Why are you paying 50% of his mortgage for his house which he owns? I would understand paying a small rent but not 50%. Surely this gives you a stake in the property, which if you were to divorce you would be entitled to?
He sounds thoughtless and uncaring. I couldn’t be with someone like that. He spends £5k on a bike for himself but he doesn’t buy you a single Christmas gift! He doesn’t value you. Ditch him and find someone who knows how to treat you right.
I would give your renters notice to move out. Once they’d done so, I’d move in and change the mortgage from BTL if this would reduce mortgage payments (maybe not right now with current interest rates). Life is too short to spend any more time with someone like him.

In answer to your OP: no.