Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a marriage you’d put up with?

229 replies

DarkYorkshire · 03/02/2023 18:06

I have a big dilemma and need to change now or forever hold my peace. I’ll try to give the whole situation without drip feed.

I married six years ago. No kids, not first marriage for either. We’re both early 50s.

We both have good jobs and I have a BTL mortgage on a home from before we met. It’s in a different part of the country to where we live and work. It’s rented out and we live in ‘his’ house. We pay bills 50/50 and have separate finances. He has family inheritance and earns quite a bit more than me. I get by but have no savings as I’m contributing to his large mortgage (agreed under the 50% sharing). The rent almost covers my BTL mortgage. My house is a modest two bed terrace in not expensive area. I don’t have pots of equity in it and have no other pension provision so don’t want to sell it.

He is very stingy and mean. I recently got a 2nd job to help with some extra cash for Christmas (I had to give it up as it was burning me out working 50+ hrs a week over both jobs). He bought himself a £5k cycle during this time as his perfectly ok one ‘needed upgrading’. Fine it’s his money.

He spends a lot of money on himself. Always the best clothes and shoes. Expensive watches. I got a card at Christmas and a deckchair for my birthday.

My question is he unreasonable or am I for wishing my husband who has a lot of spare cash wouldn’t expect me to meet the bills halfway and might help me out rather than see me burn out? I don’t mean lavishly helping just maybe a reduction on my payments and he pay a bit more?

My friend thinks it’s a disgusting way to be treated and that our marriage is a bit of a sham. I’m inclined to believe her. He is mean in many other ways but never physically violent - it’s not the point of the thread but to give context quite emotionally manipulative and unkind at times.

Obviously upping sticks and leaving is an option but at 50 odd I don’t really want to start all over again. My house is not commutable from my job. So to live there I’d need a new job.

I do appreciate my situation is not as dire as some on here and apologise if it offends anyone. Not my intention.

OP posts:
rosie1959 · 03/02/2023 18:35

It does seem to me as if you are house sharing rather than husband and wife. Having been married for near on 43 years we have never had his money and my money we are couple we have always pooled our income through good times and bad.
Your DH sounds as tight as the proverbial ducks arse not a redeeming quality in anyone.

GabriellaMontez · 03/02/2023 18:36

I wouldn't be paying off 50% of a large mortgage I wasn't named on.

A contribution plus bills. Tell him you need to rethink this.

Why don't you speak to a lawyer too?

Crikeyalmighty · 03/02/2023 18:36

@DarkYorkshire those points are irrelevant - although would be taken into account- at the end of the day marital assets count - as do yours!

Thingamebobwotsit · 03/02/2023 18:36

I am so sorry to read this OP. But I don't think YABU.

I have been with my OH for years and he is rubbish with money. Short arms and deep pockets, but rubbish at saving too. Not once have I asked myself whether or not this is equitable, nor had to ever use the phrase "he is mean" to describe him, as - in every other respect - he is amazing and we have a brilliant family life.

You sound very sad and a wee bit lonely if I am honest and sometimes I think people post on here because they already know the answer deep down. I really hope you find a solution whatever that is, but I don't think this may be it.

Grimchmas · 03/02/2023 18:39

Why the heck should you be continuing to his mortgage if you both keep seperate finances?

He's a pretty horrendously mean person, in both meanings. I don't think I could like with somebody like they any longer.

Why not go see a solicitor, find out what you'd be entitled to if you divorced him?

Original poster
DarkYorkshire · 03/02/2023 18:40

I have very few assets to speak of. My house has a small amount of equity. As it’s only worth around £100k and I have a mortgage on it.

It’s not that I want to screw him in a divorce settlement. It’s not about that. It’s whether I take the good points and stay and ignore the meanness. Or decide the mean is too big to ignore.

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 03/02/2023 18:41

I would never pay half of someone’s property ever! & would never expect that of others! When my ex bf lived with me, he just paid half to bills - I wouldn’t expect him to pay for something he didn’t have a share on.

Alrhough, if married, aren’t you actually both entitled to half of everything anyway, regardless of who is on what? I’m not in the know about these things as I don’t want to get married. He sounds very tight which is not a good trait.

Muchxperience · 03/02/2023 18:41

Divorce now while you're still sane.You say 50% each morgage,was that done by a solicitor with 'Tenants in Common' on the Land Registry paperwork ? You really need to check this info. This happened to me at your age and you really can do it.Be brave,best wishes.

Original poster
DarkYorkshire · 03/02/2023 18:42

@rosie1959 congratulations on your long marriage. I wish I’d been lucky and found the right one first time (or even second) around.

OP posts:
TheFrozenCanal · 03/02/2023 18:42

I have two questions. You were already a proper grown up and had the wisdom of one marriage under your belt when you met him. So, what attracted you? He must have been charming and maybe generous enough to attract you?
Second question - is he aware of how you feel?

Closetbeanmuncher · 03/02/2023 18:44

Manipulative, unkind, selfish and stingy?..

No sorry I’d be off.

Ladybug14 · 03/02/2023 18:44

Dear God. What a horrible way to live Shock

Original poster
DarkYorkshire · 03/02/2023 18:44

TheFrozenCanal · 03/02/2023 18:42

I have two questions. You were already a proper grown up and had the wisdom of one marriage under your belt when you met him. So, what attracted you? He must have been charming and maybe generous enough to attract you?
Second question - is he aware of how you feel?

He was quite charming and not mean from the outset.

I told him very recently how I feel. He hasn’t had much time to process it fully.

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 03/02/2023 18:45

TBH the financial arrangements are almost an irrelevance here. Your main problem is just that he’s an arsehole.

I wouldn’t stay in a relationship like that if it was enriching me massively, let alone one which made me poorer.

maslinpan · 03/02/2023 18:45

Even if he wasn't so stingy with his money, do you honestly want to stay with someone who is unkind to you? If he has got meaner as the years go on, is it likely he will also become more unkind?

romdowa · 03/02/2023 18:45

Stop paying half His mortgage for a start. See what he says

DaphneduM · 03/02/2023 18:46

I think you need to sit down with him and have a conversation about how you feel. If he doesn't want to change, then maybe have a serious think about whether you want to continue in this somewhat sad and unsatisfactory marriage. If you decide to split, make sure you get legal advice beforehand. You might be entitled to more than you think. You say you're in your early fifties - plenty of life left to live - if you're unhappy you have the power to change things.

GabriellaMontez · 03/02/2023 18:48

It’s not that I want to screw him in a divorce settlement.

And yet he doesn't mind you working 2 jobs to pay off his mortgage even though you're not named on the property ?

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 03/02/2023 18:49

DarkYorkshire · 03/02/2023 18:40

I have very few assets to speak of. My house has a small amount of equity. As it’s only worth around £100k and I have a mortgage on it.

It’s not that I want to screw him in a divorce settlement. It’s not about that. It’s whether I take the good points and stay and ignore the meanness. Or decide the mean is too big to ignore.

Apologies if I have misunderstood, are you trying to motivate yourself to stay married because it improves your financial position?

No judgemenent if you are, I'm just trying to get to the bottom of what you're asking. TBH I don't think it's a question anyone but you can answer.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 03/02/2023 18:49

I'd give him one warning shot that things have to drastically change eg you pay a proportions of mortgage as a proportion of wages rather than 50:50 and /or your name goes on the deeds. If in 30 days he hasn't done either of these things I'd be off, quite frankly. No one treats anyone else this badly by accident.

DrHousecuredme · 03/02/2023 18:50

Any marriage arrangement that leaves one partner able to spend freely on luxuries whilst the other struggles to make ends meet is not an equal partnership and needs to be avoided in my opinion.
I feel angry on your behalf actually about the expensive gifts he bought himself whilst getting you a card for Christmas.
You're in your 50's no kids and able to support yourself.
Get a good solicitor, divorce the bastard and get some of your money back...life's too short!

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/02/2023 18:51

This isn’t a marriage. Marriage is a partnership where you pool your resources. Not only are you stretching yourself to cover his mortgage, you are shafting yourself financially as you don’t have a pension.

Pull all the financial info for both of you and go see a solicitor to see what happens in a split. You might well get enough to cover the costs of starting again, which you bloody well should given that he’s been getting you to pay his mortgage.

As for starting again much better to do it now when you are still very much in midlife and have a fair bit of working life ahead. It’s going to be a lot tougher at 70, and he isn’t going to get any better.

tsmainsqueeze · 03/02/2023 18:51

DarkYorkshire · 03/02/2023 18:16

I live within my means but have no savings as my outgoings match my incomings. We don’t live a lavish way, he does a bit more than me. He socialises more and has had a few cycling holidays with friends.

If I left I’d be no better off as I’d need to rent and even a small flat would be a big chunk of my salary. That’s my dilemma, leaving is an option but is it a better one?

I'd say anything is a better option than living with a man who clearly doesn't care about you the way he should.
You say he is unkind , please get out of this relationship he sounds horrible .

Gigia · 03/02/2023 18:52

I couldn't put up with this. My DH earns significantly more than me and has considerable assets that pre-date me, never once has he expected me to have less than him, far the opposite even though I never expect anything.

Clarice99 · 03/02/2023 18:53

I'd ditch the second job and tell him that paying 50% of his mortgage is off the table as you can't afford it.

Why on earth should he live a nice lifestyle and you're treated like the 'poor relation'?

He sounds absolutely ghastly. He's mean and selfish, both very ugly traits.

You are worth more than this!