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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a marriage you’d put up with?

229 replies

DarkYorkshire · 03/02/2023 18:06

I have a big dilemma and need to change now or forever hold my peace. I’ll try to give the whole situation without drip feed.

I married six years ago. No kids, not first marriage for either. We’re both early 50s.

We both have good jobs and I have a BTL mortgage on a home from before we met. It’s in a different part of the country to where we live and work. It’s rented out and we live in ‘his’ house. We pay bills 50/50 and have separate finances. He has family inheritance and earns quite a bit more than me. I get by but have no savings as I’m contributing to his large mortgage (agreed under the 50% sharing). The rent almost covers my BTL mortgage. My house is a modest two bed terrace in not expensive area. I don’t have pots of equity in it and have no other pension provision so don’t want to sell it.

He is very stingy and mean. I recently got a 2nd job to help with some extra cash for Christmas (I had to give it up as it was burning me out working 50+ hrs a week over both jobs). He bought himself a £5k cycle during this time as his perfectly ok one ‘needed upgrading’. Fine it’s his money.

He spends a lot of money on himself. Always the best clothes and shoes. Expensive watches. I got a card at Christmas and a deckchair for my birthday.

My question is he unreasonable or am I for wishing my husband who has a lot of spare cash wouldn’t expect me to meet the bills halfway and might help me out rather than see me burn out? I don’t mean lavishly helping just maybe a reduction on my payments and he pay a bit more?

My friend thinks it’s a disgusting way to be treated and that our marriage is a bit of a sham. I’m inclined to believe her. He is mean in many other ways but never physically violent - it’s not the point of the thread but to give context quite emotionally manipulative and unkind at times.

Obviously upping sticks and leaving is an option but at 50 odd I don’t really want to start all over again. My house is not commutable from my job. So to live there I’d need a new job.

I do appreciate my situation is not as dire as some on here and apologise if it offends anyone. Not my intention.

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 03/02/2023 20:55

DarkYorkshire · 03/02/2023 18:33

I don’t think I’d get anything in a divorce settlement. I’m not financially dependent on him and he had the house before we met.

He may have "had" the house but he didn't own it outright. And he's making you pay half his mortgage. You need legal advice.

BusyMum47 · 03/02/2023 23:52

@DarkYorkshire
I personally couldn't live like that - he sounds unnecessarily mean & selfish - so unattractive.

When DH & I first moved in together, he earned significantly more than me so we split everything proportionally. We each had our own money left over to do what we liked with, but his was still more than mine. As a result, he would often pay for meals out, socialising, the majority share of holidays, etc. We'd usually agree a rough budget to spend on presents etc for each other so that things were never 'one sided'.

Our view has always been that when you're in a long term, committed relationship, married or not, all income is really joint money to fund our lives together. And he'd certainly never dream of spending thousands of pounds on something for himself while I was burning myself out, trying to earn extra money! That's SUCH a dick move!!

Going it alone may be incredibly tough & leave you no better off but at least you'd be free of the selfish twat!

uncomfortablydumb53 · 04/02/2023 00:55

Life's too short to stay with this man
See a solicitor, You'll be much better off than you think
He's treating you like a lodger

Geppili · 04/02/2023 01:22

What made you fall in love with him?

Coffeeandchocs · 04/02/2023 01:25

I don’t put up with my marriage, I enjoy it (on the whole) and wouldn’t be in it if I didn’t. You don’t have to be married so you don’t have to put up with it if it’s not what you want.

As for the finances, I earn 20% less than my husband so I pay 20% less for everything and he makes up that shortfall because he has more money. You’re a partnership, I never understand anyone doing it any differently to splitting it fairly depending on your earnings.

carmenitapink · 04/02/2023 01:29

Start planning to leave!

If married aren't you entitled to certain of his assets? Not sure how it works!

Inthetropics · 04/02/2023 01:35

I'm married and we uave separate finances BUT because I'm the biggest earner I pay the majority of bills.In the end we have a very similar amount of money to spend as we wish.

StarsSand · 04/02/2023 01:35

I wouldn't pay someone else's mortgage for them.

A house isn't just somewhere to live, it's an investment vehicle. You are enriching him. He will keep all the equity as the house increase in value as well as the benefit of your money in terms of his cash flow in the meantime.

What a prick.

Divorce him and take half.

I wouldn't waste any more time with someone mean.

FictionalCharacter · 04/02/2023 02:02

I haven't voted as I don't understand which way round the aibu is, but your friend is right. Mean and unkind to you, and incredibly stingy? That's no way to be treated by someone who is meant to love and care for you.

Fraaahnces · 04/02/2023 02:08

Given that if you divorced, I imagine you’d be entitled to roughly 50/50 of the combined estate and pension pot, he would come out far worse off.

Everyonehasavoice · 04/02/2023 02:08

GrumpyPanda · 03/02/2023 20:55

He may have "had" the house but he didn't own it outright. And he's making you pay half his mortgage. You need legal advice.

Show quote history

You’d get 50% of the capital gains on his house if you divorced.
For the period that you’ve been married.
At least.

canfor · 04/02/2023 02:10

I would have a conversation with him. Tell him you've been struggling with the bills as your income is less and you've decided that from now on you won't be paying a mortgage into a house you have no claim on - or you've decided you will pay toward bills proportionate to your income, Then just act on it. The ball's in his court then.

Rip the plaster off, your current set up is unfair.

stllmarriedstilltrying · 04/02/2023 02:12

I do feel for you as I have tried to give, everything to much marriage But still gets slammed in you face . Ask to talk explain you feelings if no change advise him now you will review you future options & leave still it will cost him more as you appear to be the workhorse .. don’t wait to long to move out life after 50 reduces you options bEst wishers for a happy outcome . If he loves you then he’ll change .

America12 · 04/02/2023 02:18

Absolutely not. If you want to stay , have the conversation, if nothing g changes I'd leave. Is anything tying you to the area or could you move back in to your house ?

jtaeapa · 04/02/2023 02:24

No - I would not put up with this. No way. It’s concerning that he would sit back and watch you burning out getting a 2nd job and paying half his big mortgage whilst he splashes 5k on something he doesn’t even need. He cannot possibly love you. Actions speak louder than words. Leave him to pay his own big mortgage.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/02/2023 02:34

What would happen if you said "You earn X and I earn Y. So from now on I am paying Z towards the bills"?

deeperthanallroses · 04/02/2023 02:40

I would say I’ve realised I’m burning myself out just trying to make ends meet. If im single then that’s just how it is. If I’m in a committed relationship but my partner thinks it’s fine for me to struggle then im deeply unhappy. So either I leave or I stop paying your mortgage. I’ve stopped the direct debit and it’s up to you if you can live with that. If you can live with me having to work when I’m old or live in poverty while you’re comfortable then you don’t even like me and you’re a nasty person to boot so I’d rather know that now.

also, how much of the housework etc do you do? I BLOODY WELL HOPE ITS 50 50 and if it isn’t shrink all his clothes , throw his dinner in the bin and tell him he’s on his own for all his meals and housework.

MysteryBelle · 04/02/2023 02:47

Do you feel he loves you? It may be that he is set in his selfish ways. He’s never really had to give anything of himself. I would suggest you sit down with him and say, “we are married, we are lifetime partners. We should have one shared account where all the money goes and we should decide together how it’s spent. You should not be living it up while I’m struggling. That tells me you don’t put me first in your life, you put your money and yourself first. That is unacceptable.”

I asked my husband just now what he thought and he totally sides with you, OP. It is outrageous for your h to treat you like this. Never ever accept a spouse keeping their finances separate or hidden. It means they don’t trust you. Well, marriage is about trust and sharing and (hopefully) lifelong partnership. When I got married, my husband put his checks into our one shared account and I decided how it was spent, discussing with him if there was a large purchase either he or I wanted to make. He has always made 3 or 4 times more than me, and I also didn’t work for many years when I became a mother. My h never withheld one penny from me. We’ve never had a problem in 26 years.

MysteryBelle · 04/02/2023 02:58

Wanted to add, my husband said the only thing you’re wrong about is not charging enough rent on your house to pay your mortgage!

I agree with pp that you are enriching your h by paying half of his mortgage and the house is not in your name too. Your name should be on it, and he should be paying for it. His money should go into one shared account, do not accept anything less. No excuse.

kateandme · 04/02/2023 03:58

what are you getting out of paying his morgage and half the bills. your not his tennant!
but aside from that there is nothing good youve mentioned about him in your post.
no warmth.
meaness is one of the worst things. and it will get worse.well,as youve seen it has already. and youve mentioned this in him time and time again. he sounds awful to you.
marriages have to be worked with and for yes. but there is nothing her that there is an "issue" to work on but that the whole marriage is awful.
you dont put yp with relationships sorry. not ever
it will lead to misery living like this op. and it sounds actually like you already are.
and that your almost convicing yourself simply for financial rreasons.
but you did it before.
and hey you do have a head start with a placr og your own.there is potions there which puts you with a headstart.
and you do at least have a means of income which again is a head start.
get gone. 50 is no age.except living with curelty and misery

changeme4this · 04/02/2023 04:07

What is he likely to say if you stopped contributing 50% of the mortgage? Does he know your income to know you are struggling with the payment? If so, how can he be comfortable with that?

there’s been christmases when I have had my disappointments and it wasn’t due to financial issues either. This Christmas gone, what I received was financially well in excess of what I gave, but my gift has an emotional attachment about it and something he told friends he wanted. However there was one Christmas or birthday that I didn’t get anything but he remembered and apologised for not knowing what to get. I just say now what it is I would like, although I had no idea about this recent present at all and it’s great…

6 years isn’t a long time to be married and I wonder if he made any changes to include you in his biking interest or the holidays away where you could go off to do your thing while he cycles, meeting up for dinner later on?

if that has been kept a separate life from you, and things like meeting up friends for dinner etc, then I think you must know you are excluded from his life apart from when at home. That wouldn’t be satisfactory to me.

HungryandIknowit · 04/02/2023 04:26

The money is an issue but the bigger issue is that he is unkind. I don't think you should put up with that.

SelinaKant · 04/02/2023 04:36

He is mean (in the true meaning of the word) and stingy with his money - is he also mean and stingy with his love towards you? If you suddenly got very ill, would he nurse you around the clock and take care of alal your needs? If not, time to make a new life for yourself. Honestly in your 50s, I wouldn't be marrying and throwing everything into his household. There's no need to marry them, anyway, and every need to keep your OWN place and space.

Dontsparethehorses · 04/02/2023 04:39

I agree with previous poster who said you sit down and have an adult conversation about finances. You explain how exhausted and tough your finding it having no spare income and that if bills are to continue 50:50 you will need to sell his house and downsize to something you can afford that is less or you need to pay a % that is more proportional to the difference in salary in order to live a happier life. Explain how it feels for him to have excess cash and yet you to have none and yet your meant to be a partnership, a team. His response will tell you everything you need to know going forward

habiller · 04/02/2023 04:52

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