Is this a marriage you’d put up with?

[DarkYorkshire]

I have a big dilemma and need to change now or forever hold my peace. I’ll try to give the whole situation without drip feed.

I married six years ago. No kids, not first marriage for either. We’re both early 50s.

We both have good jobs and I have a BTL mortgage on a home from before we met. It’s in a different part of the country to where we live and work. It’s rented out and we live in ‘his’ house. We pay bills 50/50 and have separate finances. He has family inheritance and earns quite a bit more than me. I get by but have no savings as I’m contributing to his large mortgage (agreed under the 50% sharing). The rent almost covers my BTL mortgage. My house is a modest two bed terrace in not expensive area. I don’t have pots of equity in it and have no other pension provision so don’t want to sell it.

He is very stingy and mean. I recently got a 2nd job to help with some extra cash for Christmas (I had to give it up as it was burning me out working 50+ hrs a week over both jobs). He bought himself a £5k cycle during this time as his perfectly ok one ‘needed upgrading’. Fine it’s his money.

He spends a lot of money on himself. Always the best clothes and shoes. Expensive watches. I got a card at Christmas and a deckchair for my birthday.

My question is he unreasonable or am I for wishing my husband who has a lot of spare cash wouldn’t expect me to meet the bills halfway and might help me out rather than see me burn out? I don’t mean lavishly helping just maybe a reduction on my payments and he pay a bit more?

My friend thinks it’s a disgusting way to be treated and that our marriage is a bit of a sham. I’m inclined to believe her. He is mean in many other ways but never physically violent - it’s not the point of the thread but to give context quite emotionally manipulative and unkind at times.

Obviously upping sticks and leaving is an option but at 50 odd I don’t really want to start all over again. My house is not commutable from my job. So to live there I’d need a new job.

I do appreciate my situation is not as dire as some on here and apologise if it offends anyone. Not my intention.

What are his good points? What do you enjoy about your marriage? I’d they don’t outweigh what you’ve written here then you know the answer. Stop paying his mortgage straight away and start saving it to leave.

‘With my worldly goods I thee endow’.

This is not a marriage, it’s living with Mr Selfish.

I agree with your friend. So he was spending 5k on a new toy whilst you were working a second job and 50 hr week that was so tiring you couldn't carry on?

Just think for a moment what kind of person would let their beloved wife/husband/partner work like that whilst they had more than enough cash at hand?

Unless he suddenly does a 180 now you have spoken to him, I would be out of there. With a bit of planning you would be no worse of financially and most likely better off. Have you ring fenced your house with a pre nup? That would be my only concern. I know you have no kids together but are there any adult children from previous marriages?

I couldn't live like this. I would definitely be resentful to his flagrant spending on stuff for him whilst I had to get a 2nd job!

My DH earns a lot more than me. We pay proportional % of our income into everything - house, bills, food etc. We do this via a joint account. We see it that we are a team and everything we earn is team money. We do have separate savings accounts, however, we do pool all of this together if we buying something big - like a house or holiday.

I hope your chat with him makes him see how unreasonable he is being.

Leave & rent. You sound lovely and grounded but stupid for putting up with that selfish, self centred misery of a man. Can you image how you will feel in your 60's if you stay.

Meanness is just so unattractive though, isn’t it?
And ff 10 years, you’ll both be 60s, retired and together a lot more.

You'll never be happy with a stingy man, it's one of the most unattractive qualities someone can have. Could you sell your BTL and buy somewhere closer to work?

This.

Better to be alone that in a bad place with a bad person ( as another poster said on another thread).

I would not settle for this, and in a similar situation I didn't. Then I met my current partner when I was the same sort of age as you and we're happy.
As for the finances - stop second guessing and get legal advice. Also, stop thinking that you aren't entitled to half of everything, because if you are then you take it. He's been able to save and support his assets by deciding not to support you as he should in a marriage.

Sounds like finances are a bit part of the issue. Would you be more inclined to stay if these felt fairer? Would he be willing to review how the bills are split to make it more equitable?
Can you look at what percentage of income the current 50/50 split is and then amend it so you are both putting an equal % of your income.
Say the 50/50 split means you pay 80% of your income and he pays 50% of his income change it so you both pay 60% of your income (or whatever equal % is needed to cover all bills)
As for his meanness only you are able to decide if you are willing to put up with it for the rest of your lives together

Hmm... and if you did split don't assume you'd then have to rent. You own a house. You could consider selling that and seeing if you can take that equity to something closer to work, then mortgage the rest. You can get mortgages at your age, particularly if your deposit is a high % of the cost of the property.

I wouldn't stay, no. You have no children together, which was what kept me in a bad marriage longer than it should. I got out when it became bad enough. Please don't leave it that long. Presumably you have an evidence trail for money going from you into his account and the mortgage. In a divorce, I would make a case for at least some amount for monies off the mortgage. Would possibly give you enough to put down a deposit on a flat/houseshare whilst you think about your longer term plans. I married someone tighter than a budgies bum, and for all the people unhelpfully pointing out that you knew what he was like? No, I didn't either. He kept it well hidden, as he knew (and yours does too) that its spectacularly unattractive and this sort of behaviour makes my vagina snap shut even thinking about it. FWIW, I met the current Mr Sponge in my 50's. His earning capacity is less than mine, but he's not mean, and we're pretty happy. However, I had got to the point with XH that being alone was preferable to being married to him, so well worth any 'risk' of being alone. Are you at that point do you think?

If the good points in him were really fantastic I might try to save the marriage with counselling or something but from what you’ve said he’s not just stingy. It’s not about money anyway. If he had a lower income and couldn’t afford to sub you, you wouldn’t mind. It’s a symptom of his selfishness and cruelty.
You’re 50 you could live another 40 /50 years. Do you want to do that with someone who treats you badly?

You’re working two jobs to help pay his mortgage but your name isn’t on the house, and he buys himself £4K bikes and gets you nothing for Christmas?

Your friend is right.

Keep reading this. He is not nice.

A friend of mine and her husband earn different amounts, though they do have children so probably have more costs to contribute towards, and neither has a separate property. They have a joint account that they both pay into for bills and groceries. They have an agreed sum for them both to spend on whatever they want (only a modest sum) then the rest of their monthly wage goes into the account for shared bills. That way regardless of who earns what, they both have the same amount to spend on themselves. Over the years the person earning more has changed depending on job moves etc, so a different situation to you and your husband, but it works for them and they both see it as fair.
It’s so sad that your husband doesn’t want to spend “his” money on you and that he’d let you struggle with a second job just to have enough cash. I hope you find a resolution with him, but you can tell him from me that his behaviour is selfish and greedy and makes him appear like a very unattractive, miserable person.
Good luck to you, you are not being unreasonable at all.

No i wouldnt see the point in it. I would feel hurt that i was struggling while he flashed the cash, and never made me feel special and like i waa worse off than if i was alone. I think id very much feel like he didnt care in the way i needed him to. I want partnership,companionship, to share lifes burdens and fortunes with.
Without all that, id probably prefer single life, as currently you have worst of both worlds

Your subsidizing his already well off lifestyle at the expense of your own.

And he's happy to be doing that to you.

He buys himself lovely, expensive things and throws a card and cheap gift your way while you worked two jobs to afford Christmas.

He's an arsehole.

Get yourself out of there.

And stop paying his mortgage while you prepare to leave.

No, it's not a marriage I'd put up with and I don't see why any woman should deserve such a shit deal just because she's in her 50s. Starting again sounds wonderful. Why wouldn't you want to drop so much nastiness? Once you're free, there's even a chance you'll meet someone who actually cares about you. And if not, better alone than in bad, loveless, financially exploitative company.

@DarkYorkshire

The mean is far too big to ignore. He will not get better, in fact he will probably get a lot worse. You've told him how wrong this is... I would like to think this would be a wake up call for him, but quite likely not. Being tight is deep in his psyche.

I could put up with all sorts, my DH can be very irritating but what attracted me to him the most was his generosity, he would give the shirt off his back to someone who needed it. I cannot put up with stingy behaviour.

OP your DH sounds mean. How can he live with you who is struggling with finances, whilst he is splashing the cash and very comfortably off. That is so wrong.
Good luck

It reads as though you are just dating him . To be married and he be so tight would not be for me. We have joint everything.

Your life certainly doesn’t sound like a happy one OP. Do you basically get on well together, do you have some laughs, go out and enjoy life together, is there a good side to it?

From your original post I sense there’s not much pleasure in each day and if that’s the case I think you should seriously think about leaving, you are only 50, can you genuinely contemplate the next 20- 30 years with this man.

Surely a big part of marriage is sharing and if he isn’t willing to make it a real partnership financially so you both enjoy his extra wealth as a couple I think he’s intrinsically mean and he will probably only get worse.

I rarely agree there’s a case for leaving, but life is short OP you could have a bright happy future ahead without this man bringing you down.

He’s mean and selfish. I think that’s enough to make me leave.

You shouldn’t be paying his mortgage for him OP .

Give him time to process what you’ve said to him , but if he doesn’t change life is far too short to live with someone that’s mean to you

Sorry OP but I'd cut my losses and go. I've stayed with men like this for far too long hoping they would change. They don't.
I felt I deserved so much better and someone who puts me first not himself.
Could you sell your house and buy a place closer to your job if its a good job?