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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a marriage you’d put up with?

229 replies

DarkYorkshire · 03/02/2023 18:06

I have a big dilemma and need to change now or forever hold my peace. I’ll try to give the whole situation without drip feed.

I married six years ago. No kids, not first marriage for either. We’re both early 50s.

We both have good jobs and I have a BTL mortgage on a home from before we met. It’s in a different part of the country to where we live and work. It’s rented out and we live in ‘his’ house. We pay bills 50/50 and have separate finances. He has family inheritance and earns quite a bit more than me. I get by but have no savings as I’m contributing to his large mortgage (agreed under the 50% sharing). The rent almost covers my BTL mortgage. My house is a modest two bed terrace in not expensive area. I don’t have pots of equity in it and have no other pension provision so don’t want to sell it.

He is very stingy and mean. I recently got a 2nd job to help with some extra cash for Christmas (I had to give it up as it was burning me out working 50+ hrs a week over both jobs). He bought himself a £5k cycle during this time as his perfectly ok one ‘needed upgrading’. Fine it’s his money.

He spends a lot of money on himself. Always the best clothes and shoes. Expensive watches. I got a card at Christmas and a deckchair for my birthday.

My question is he unreasonable or am I for wishing my husband who has a lot of spare cash wouldn’t expect me to meet the bills halfway and might help me out rather than see me burn out? I don’t mean lavishly helping just maybe a reduction on my payments and he pay a bit more?

My friend thinks it’s a disgusting way to be treated and that our marriage is a bit of a sham. I’m inclined to believe her. He is mean in many other ways but never physically violent - it’s not the point of the thread but to give context quite emotionally manipulative and unkind at times.

Obviously upping sticks and leaving is an option but at 50 odd I don’t really want to start all over again. My house is not commutable from my job. So to live there I’d need a new job.

I do appreciate my situation is not as dire as some on here and apologise if it offends anyone. Not my intention.

OP posts:
askmenow · 04/02/2023 11:48

How does he enhance your life? A caring partner seeks to make the other happy and share the load. The inequity of this would get to me. I would not stay.
I personally could not live with forever feeling devalued by his lack of caring.

RomeoOscarXrayIndigoEcho · 04/02/2023 11:53

Good grief.

My DH earns more than me but we sort our finances so that we have extremely similar disposable incomes.

He also enjoys choosing gifts for me. It's not so much about the cost, it's about finding something I will love. He also puts effort into choosing a card too.

If you are married and share finances 50:50 he'll need to buy you out to keep the house. Does that give you any extra funding? (If you choose to leave that is)

BumpyaDaisyevna · 04/02/2023 11:55

I'm astounded at this.

How could one be happy buying £££ for oneself when one's husband or wife is taking a second job to get by?

I just don't understand it.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 04/02/2023 11:56

I eat twice what my DH does but it all goes into the pot and we have equal money to spend on ourselves (pretty much next to nothing once all our outgoings are covered - maybe £50 a month).

I wouldn't dream of insisting I had more than DH because my job pays twice his?!?!

BumpyaDaisyevna · 04/02/2023 11:58

My job is hard work and challenging but DHs is too - just because I'm paid twice as much doenst mean my work is worth twice as much.

In fact DH work is much more important in terms of changing peoples lives than mine is and much more demanding emotionally.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 04/02/2023 12:01

Leaving aside the money what is your relationship like?

Do you have fun together?

Do you look fwd to seeing him?

Do you good loving sex together?

Burbia · 04/02/2023 12:02

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

BeachBlondey · 04/02/2023 12:02

I earn more than my DH (about £20k more). We split the bills (which are quite low), however, if we go out for dinner, have a take away, go to the cinema etc, I always pay. If we go on holiday, I will pay for all the "extras" like an airport hotel, train tickets, food at the airport, wine on the plane. I also pay for anything that needs doing at home, like home improvements or over hauling the garden. This way, he doesn't have to worry about money. It works for us. So yes, I think he is being mean.

BettyBoo123456 · 04/02/2023 12:02

Yes, OP but if you lived elsewhere you would have to pay something but maybe not quite as much as your paying now? Also if you were paying rent on a smaller place you wouldn’t have to share it with anyone at all and could totally please yourself how you lived (within your means) or if you had a mortgage you would ultimately own it eventually. I don’t know how BLT mortgages work but could you sell the house you own and maybe instead buy a small flat or house yourself to live in (especially if legal advice meant you were entitled to some money for paying a 50% share of his mortgage for a time)? I don’t know whether or not this is the case.

Also within your marriage I suspect you are maybe doing the lions share of the shopping, washing, cooking and cleaning etc? Does he contribute a 50% share to all or any of this?

Ask yourself what value does he give or add to you and your life other than perhaps the status of marriage (albeit an unequal one) and to live in a bigger house than you could afford without him (although your name isn’t on the mortgage so no security there).

He must be really dense not to have realised you must be struggling financially and really ignorant not to get you anything for Christmas. We don’t spend much on each other but we buy token gifts (not expensive but thoughtful).

I know it must be daughter thinking about this in your 50’s as I am a similar age but honestly if your not happy and severely financially disadvantaged in this marriage then please seek legal advice sooner rather than later.

Dibbydoos · 04/02/2023 12:08

Just checking you have agreed the house is 50:50 cos tgats the first thing I'd change if you want to stay with him - though frankly he sounds like you're just helping him with his mortgage.

If it were me (easy to say no emotional attachment), I'd be out of there fast. You deserve better xxx

Silvers11 · 04/02/2023 12:19

Out of curiosity, does he go 50:50 with your BTL mortgage? Was that taken into account when you agreed to go 50:50 with all the other expenses? I'll bet the answer is a big fat 'no'. This man is using you and doesn't love you and agree with everything other posters have said

You need to speak to a lawyer - you keep saying the money doesn't matter - but of course it does. You have been paying HALF his mortgage for the last 6 years. It isn't a matter of you being grabby or anything else. You should at least get the amount you have been paying back, in one way or the other

You also need to get some counselling as to why you are willing to have a man - any man who will have you - rather than be on your own. Yes, it is scary but people can and do still meet their partners in their 50's and later. My Mother met someone in her early 60's and they were wonderfully happy for 15 years until he passed

You are worth much more than this man

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 04/02/2023 12:21

DarkYorkshire · 03/02/2023 18:16

I live within my means but have no savings as my outgoings match my incomings. We don’t live a lavish way, he does a bit more than me. He socialises more and has had a few cycling holidays with friends.

If I left I’d be no better off as I’d need to rent and even a small flat would be a big chunk of my salary. That’s my dilemma, leaving is an option but is it a better one?

But at least you wouldn't be living daily with the contempt he feels for you.

Why would you agree to contribute to his mortgage??? I'd stop that right now. Tell him you can't afford it.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 04/02/2023 12:24

Schnooze · 04/02/2023 09:47

You tell him that you need to move somewhere with a cheaper mortgage or you need to pay less than 50%. Give him the choice, because continuing on as you are isn’t an option as he has plenty of disposable income and you don’t. His reaction to that will give you the info you need about staying or not.

This.

Crikeyalmighty · 04/02/2023 12:50

@DarkYorkshire but his money isn't his- that's what marriage means- it's 'your' money as a couple- the only sensible thing you have done though was getting married! It gives you some entitlement. Mean men get meaner!

Pipsquiggle · 04/02/2023 16:14

@DarkYorkshire - what was your DH's reaction when you were doing that 2nd job to make ends meet?
Did he say anything?
Did you tell him you were doing this job as you couldn't afford to live with paying half of his mortgage?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 04/02/2023 16:20

Pipsquiggle · 04/02/2023 16:14

@DarkYorkshire - what was your DH's reaction when you were doing that 2nd job to make ends meet?
Did he say anything?
Did you tell him you were doing this job as you couldn't afford to live with paying half of his mortgage?

I wondered this myself.

If that didn't loosen his pursestrings, what will?

luckylavender · 04/02/2023 16:27

What are you actually getting out of this relationship? You could carry on as you are. Sounds hellish. You could try and discuss things. Or you could forge your own path separately. Only you know the answer.

GabriellaMontez · 04/02/2023 17:05

Why don't you both move into your house?

He can pay half your mortgage.

He can get tenants to mainly cover his mortgage.

Would he be OK with this?

Blablablablaba · 04/02/2023 19:46

I think it is very mean. How cld u watch ur wife burst a gut working 2 jobs for a bit of extra cash and ur spending £5k on a bike and wherever else takes ur fancy. I couldn't imagine that at all.

He should at the very least be taking on more of the bills if he earns a lot more. That's how a marriage should work u help each other out and look after each other. I'm very much everything goes in the joint account. Despite me earning more than double what dh does. It's all our money, not mine and not his.

He doesn't sound nice at all though. U cld go to love another 40 years or more! Maybe don't leave hastily but plan ur exit over a number or months or even a year or so.

LadyEloise1 · 05/02/2023 09:15

GabriellaMontez · 04/02/2023 17:05

Why don't you both move into your house?

He can pay half your mortgage.

He can get tenants to mainly cover his mortgage.

Would he be OK with this?

Great post @GabriellaMontez

He'd probably have a heart attack at the suggestion.

Now there's an idea 🤔

😀😀😀

YukoandHiro · 05/02/2023 09:18

If you're married why are you paying 50/50? You should insist that it's done by proportion of income. You have too little for yourself and that means this is not a partnership.

Pipsquiggle · 10/02/2023 13:18

@DarkYorkshire - have you reflected about the amount of money you pay and whether it's fair given the disparity in income?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 04/04/2023 15:44

GabriellaMontez · 03/02/2023 18:48

It’s not that I want to screw him in a divorce settlement.

And yet he doesn't mind you working 2 jobs to pay off his mortgage even though you're not named on the property ?

This.

Only you can decide whst you'll tolerate OP...

He's a first class user... Has it all his own way.. I'd have left at the zero present and the 5k£ bike for himself..

Can't stand selfish, mean people.

Please consult a divorce lawyer without telling him.

Socrateswasrightaboutvoting · 04/04/2023 17:01

@DarkYorkshire What did you decide to do once you reflected?

ChaliceinWonderland · 04/05/2023 06:09

Yep He sounds ghastly. What's your sex life like.? Is he mean there as well? If so, then why are you staying? You got a card for Xmas? Please check out of this marriage...
I checked out of mine but for v different reasons. Don't waste your life on subsidising his lifestyle, these are years you won't get back.

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