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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a marriage you’d put up with?

229 replies

DarkYorkshire · 03/02/2023 18:06

I have a big dilemma and need to change now or forever hold my peace. I’ll try to give the whole situation without drip feed.

I married six years ago. No kids, not first marriage for either. We’re both early 50s.

We both have good jobs and I have a BTL mortgage on a home from before we met. It’s in a different part of the country to where we live and work. It’s rented out and we live in ‘his’ house. We pay bills 50/50 and have separate finances. He has family inheritance and earns quite a bit more than me. I get by but have no savings as I’m contributing to his large mortgage (agreed under the 50% sharing). The rent almost covers my BTL mortgage. My house is a modest two bed terrace in not expensive area. I don’t have pots of equity in it and have no other pension provision so don’t want to sell it.

He is very stingy and mean. I recently got a 2nd job to help with some extra cash for Christmas (I had to give it up as it was burning me out working 50+ hrs a week over both jobs). He bought himself a £5k cycle during this time as his perfectly ok one ‘needed upgrading’. Fine it’s his money.

He spends a lot of money on himself. Always the best clothes and shoes. Expensive watches. I got a card at Christmas and a deckchair for my birthday.

My question is he unreasonable or am I for wishing my husband who has a lot of spare cash wouldn’t expect me to meet the bills halfway and might help me out rather than see me burn out? I don’t mean lavishly helping just maybe a reduction on my payments and he pay a bit more?

My friend thinks it’s a disgusting way to be treated and that our marriage is a bit of a sham. I’m inclined to believe her. He is mean in many other ways but never physically violent - it’s not the point of the thread but to give context quite emotionally manipulative and unkind at times.

Obviously upping sticks and leaving is an option but at 50 odd I don’t really want to start all over again. My house is not commutable from my job. So to live there I’d need a new job.

I do appreciate my situation is not as dire as some on here and apologise if it offends anyone. Not my intention.

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 03/02/2023 18:54

Is he the passive aggressive type? Could you take the initiative and say "I have reviewed my financial position and need to invest in pension/paying down mortgage/whatever and will therefore be contributing x quid less than before". Could you live with it whatever his reaction?

Youpillock · 03/02/2023 18:55

Sounds awful op. No, I wouldn't put up with it. I recently left a long term partner at 51 and it's much better to be on your own and perhaps a bit sad and lonely at times than to stay with someone who's unkind and mean to you. Trust me.

Puffalicious · 03/02/2023 18:56

Meanness breaks relationships. It's one thing that's always repelled me, and I would never have been with someone mean. Mean with money means mean in spirit..

HiddenGiraffes · 03/02/2023 18:56

Wow, you are paying half his mortgage. Hopefully that would be taken into account in the divorce you should definitely seek.

Ameadowwalk · 03/02/2023 18:59

You are paying off his mortgage when you have your own property and mortgage to pay off and by the sounds of it, no pension. That makes no financial sense.
how easy would it be to get a job where your own house is?

saleorbouy · 03/02/2023 18:59

Marriage is a partnership of love and support, caring and sharing. He does not sound very supportive, doesn't seem to care about your financial situation and is selfish with his money.
If it was me I'd be questioning what being in the relationship brings in terms, quality of life, support, etc. I doesn't seem to be a very fulfilling 'partnership'.

Turkeyneck101 · 03/02/2023 18:59

Can you go to see a solicitor to see what would happen in the event of a divorce? This might clarify to you how much he has and is stitching you up. It might help you make a decision about staying or going.

I'd also be interested to know what happens in the event of his demise or yours for that matter.

Hayliebells · 03/02/2023 19:04

You’ve been paying 50% of the mortgage, you therefore have a financial interest in his property, you’ve been helping him build up equity, even ignoring the fact that you’re married. I think you should consult a lawyer and in a divorce settlement at the very least you’d be entitled to a proportion of that equity back. You may get more, you’re married after all, it doesn’t matter that you’re not dependent, your assets are shared assets. I definitely think that if you divorced him you’d be entitled to more than you think. But even ignoring the money, you should divorce him, he’s horrible. But I’d feel no guilt in demanding what is yours, i.e. your share of the equity in his property, based on your 50% contributions to the mortgage.

FancyFran · 03/02/2023 19:05

Oh gosh OP this is horrendous. You cannot be worse off just to live in 'his' house. Life is seriously too short. A mean man is very ugly indeed. My husband earns substantially less than me but would spend his last penny to make me happy. Throughout our long marriage he has done overtime even when we don't need it to save for our retirement (we are off around the world!). I shamed him for not buying me a Christmas present on MN, I had one a week later (sadly I am difficult to buy for). 50 is nothing, I am 57, fat and a bit disabled but I pull every day. Obviously not interested but there is a lid for every pot. I would LTB. Move and enjoy life. You are worth it.

Grimchmas · 03/02/2023 19:05

"I don't want to screw him over financially in a divorce settlement"

Please give yourself a bit of a head wobble about this.

He's screwing you over financially right now. We're talking about what you might get if you divorced him because whether or not you'd be financially worse off if you left him is something you are wondering about (and rightly so). You've been paying into his mortgage- you may be entitled to something if you leave the marriage, and you may very well NEED that something.

Stop worrying about if you might maybe screw him out of money in the future - and start stopping him from doing it to you every damn month.

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/02/2023 19:10

This is your precious life. You only get one go at it. He sounds utterly selfish and depressing to be with. Do you want to spend your last good decades with him?

ewright86 · 03/02/2023 19:11

Wow 123 votes and everyone agreed - YANBU!!
In a marriage you’re coming together as a couple making one family and for me that includes supporting each other financially. (Just my opinion)

TheGoogleMum · 03/02/2023 19:13

I know it's not what everyone does but to me for equality in a marriage all incomes are added to the same pot and everyone gets the same out. It seems that's not what has happened here.
It doesn't sound like you are happy. I think you should leave.

Mum97540 · 03/02/2023 19:15

I'd not be happy with this arrangement. He's got a mug to pay his bills. Sorry.

Workawayxx · 03/02/2023 19:16

No, I wouldn’t put up with this. You’re basically a lodger but paying 50% of everything. How could any kind of loving partner watch you get a second job just to pay for his house. I think you need to see if he will adjust things but if not then leave. You’re only 50, you could have 30-40 years left with this man.

Cocobutt · 03/02/2023 19:17

He is mean in many other ways but never physically violent - it’s not the point of the thread but to give context quite emotionally manipulative and unkind at times.

The money is completely irrelevant.

He could be refusing any money off you and giving you a couple of grand a month for luxuries - but it wouldn’t matter at all.

He’s unkind and emotionally manipulative - you need to separate.

Mum97540 · 03/02/2023 19:17

Just to add. I get manipulated all the time due to my background and low self esteem. But this just isn't fair.

MLGREAR · 03/02/2023 19:28

Im 68 now, my wife 63. We moved in together when I was 26 and wife 21. I said that we would always have only one joint account. (My dod always had his account and my Mum only had a weekly allowance he was quite controlling).
We have gone though hard times and good times financially, but always together!
My son who is just getting married put down a substantial deposit on a house (HE EARNS MORE THAN HIS PARTNER). They split all bills but proportanally taking account of her lower salary, the house is in joint names and owned equally. Seems you are being forced to finance his lifestyle whilst you live a different one!
Believe me 50 is young, I know Im a guy but if it was me in your situationI would get out and live a life with a more giving person. There are king considerate guys out there.

Rosscameasdoody · 03/02/2023 19:35

GabriellaMontez · 03/02/2023 18:27

Do you pay half his mortgage?

Are you named on the property?

That’s the first thing I thought. OP, if you’re contributing 50/50 make sure you are on the deeds.

Cornishclio · 03/02/2023 19:38

So you have separate finances but you pay 50% of his mortgage so you own half his house? I would tell him you can't afford it and leave him to sort out the mortgage and agree to waive part of your share of the house. You can pay half the bills.

Alternatively say the bills have to be shared as a percentage of income. If he gets paid twice your salary he pays two thirds and you pay a third. He sounds mean.

WonderingWanda · 03/02/2023 19:42

I don't think the financial split is fair. My dh and I were together from Uni so started on the same salaries and split 50/50. However, we married and my dh's salary rose as he is private sector and I'm a teacher. When this happened we changed the split. Now we have kids it's all in one pot. I think if you are paying 50/50 in the even of separation you would be entitled to a proportion if his assets as you are married so he is a bit stupid really. If you love him and he makes you happy then I would suggest this needs to be resolved. If he's a but mean and you aren't that happy then I would seek legal advice op. Life's too short to feel used and I know it must feel scary to be alone at 50 but honestly people find love at all ages and you deserve to be with someone who is kind, makes you happy and respects you.

Vinomummyinlockdown · 03/02/2023 19:46

Security. You married got security. You’re getting anything but. I would never tolerate what I’ve just read. My advice is get the hell out of there.

LocalHobo · 03/02/2023 19:58

Interesting to know what HE gets from your marriage. Are you amazingly fun to be with, a great hostess, a sexual magician? You are not getting what you wanted from the marriage, security, and it sounds like you are fairly irrelevant to his life.
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I suspect, if you say you are leaving, he will carry on in his own merry way and not give a fig about you. I would leave (and think hard about how I could have made commitments with a person who clearly did not see me as valuable).

starfishmummy · 03/02/2023 20:06

DarkYorkshire · 03/02/2023 18:16

I live within my means but have no savings as my outgoings match my incomings. We don’t live a lavish way, he does a bit more than me. He socialises more and has had a few cycling holidays with friends.

If I left I’d be no better off as I’d need to rent and even a small flat would be a big chunk of my salary. That’s my dilemma, leaving is an option but is it a better one?

Yes, in your shoes I think leaving would be the better option, but get some proper legal advice about what would happen re splitting up of assets.

cakewench · 03/02/2023 20:37

Since you've asked: no, that isn't a marriage I would be able to put up with.

And in case any of the "whatabout" brigade come in, yes I'd say it if the roles were reversed.

At the very least I'd expect, given that he is so very comfortable, that your expenses could be divided proportionately to your incomes. I wouldn't want my husband having to take on a second job at times just to afford to keep up with me. That shows me he is more concerned with holding on to his money than he is with having a partner with the same amount of free time to spend together.

If I were in a relationship like this I would absolutely want my own place. I wouldn't care if it were small, at least it would be my own, and I'd know I didn't have to share it with someone like this.

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