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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like I'm about to have a breakdown?

185 replies

backoftheplane · 03/02/2023 13:50

DH and I started TTC last year and then found out that we have severe male factor infertility issues that mean that we won't be able to conceive without a donor – something that DH is not at all interested in. Since we found out, I have been really struggling. I tried self-referring for the NHS mental health support but the wait times are just ridiculous (I was assessed then told 6-12 months before I would be seen). I paid for a private therapist (which was expensive) and we did three sessions before she suggested I should see someone else instead of her. I'm self employed and finding it difficult to do any kind of work and am really falling behind on deadlines. I spend all day just reading online about infertility and watching crappy netflix shows to distract myself and then feeling awful as I haven't done anything useful by end of the day. I also cry every day and just feel so hopeless. I'm worried I'm going to start losing clients due to quality of work and not meeting deadlines. I want to speak to someone else but found it so exhausting emotionally to go through everything with the first therapist only for her to say she didn't think it was working out and I don't know if I can afford (emotionally or financially) to go through that process until I 'find the right one'. I'm 38 and last week i got my period and it just felt like a clock counting down. I don't want to seem dramatic and I'm trying to put on a brave face publicly and in front of DH but I just don't know how I can cope. My family all lives in a different country and I don't have a lot of close friends here that I can talk to. Am I being unreasonable to be feeling like this? Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
ElegantlyTouched · 03/02/2023 14:13

Would you consider leaving DH and going it alone with a sperm donor? That seems.your only option if DH doesn't want an donor's child.

Original poster
backoftheplane · 03/02/2023 14:15

@ElegantlyTouched DH asked if I wanted to leave. I said no. I just want to have a baby with him. We've been together for 10+ years. I don't want to be pregnant and single having just ended a 10 year relationship with someone I love.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 03/02/2023 14:15

Are you financially able to go it alone ?

Original poster
backoftheplane · 03/02/2023 14:17

@KangarooKenny as I posted above in reply to pp, I just don't want to go it alone. But no, I wouldn't be in a very financially secure position to do so anyway. (DH earns a lot more than me, and we would be more than financially secure enough to have a DC together).

OP posts:
K37529 · 03/02/2023 14:18

I think you really need to sit down with your husband and talk to him about this. Maybe he doesn't understand how important this is to you. If he says no would yous consider adopting or fostering?

ouch321 · 03/02/2023 14:21

Sorry but yes. You sound like you have an idyllic life but you're obsessing over this one thing. It isn't the be all and end all despite societal pressures.

SafeMove · 03/02/2023 14:21

There is a lot there OP. This is a big one. Can you press the pause button on decision making on what has happened and what needs to happen in the future and just try to make your life feel safer in it's current form? Would it help to try and talk about what strategies you can do right now to improve your baseline wellbeing?

Then once you have that in place you/we can start to to tackle the big stuff. Your foundations are shaken and in order to start to rebuild these we/you need to prevent a massive breakdown. Give us ideas about what could stop this breakdown? What do you like? What are you good at? What support do you have around you?

Original poster
backoftheplane · 03/02/2023 14:23

@K37529 I have spoken to him about it and he knows it's important to me – but I can't force him to do something he isn't comfortable with. That's unfair on him and any potential DC... I don't think fostering or adopting is the right choice for us (I have a lot of respect for people who do it, but I have looked into it a lot and it isn't for us).

OP posts:
SafeMove · 03/02/2023 14:25

You have said 'I just don't know how I can cope' so I wonder if putting a plan down on what might help you cope might be the place to start? Some people who have these huge challenges, all at once, get overwhelmed. How are you feeling?

Original poster
backoftheplane · 03/02/2023 14:25

@ouch321 where exactly have I detailed that I have an "idyllic life"? I'm not wanting a child because of 'societal pressures' either... if that was the case I would have had a child when everyone I know from school / uni had children. I have always seen my life with children (I knew I wanted to have them older) and to have that taken away - with everything that goes with that - is devastating. Your answer is not helpful.

OP posts:
OnlyFannys · 03/02/2023 14:26

This is an awful situation for you, you might be able to get some good advice and support on the infertility threads here from people who have been through this.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 03/02/2023 14:29

Why is he not interested? Is it a case of he can't have his own biological child he doesn't want a child at all? Because you do have multiple options.

K37529 · 03/02/2023 14:29

@backoftheplane I completely understand it's not for everyone. Unfortunately you are left with two options, either leave your husband and find someone you can have a child with, or stay with him and accept that yous will likely never have children. I'm sorry your going through this.

Original poster
backoftheplane · 03/02/2023 14:30

@SafeMove Thank you for replying. A plan does sound like a good idea - I tend to cope better when things are organised and nothing feels organised at the moment. I started making 'to do' lists this week for work, which I think is helping me at least get my head around what I have to do. I think I need to speak to a therapist again but I just don't know where to start in terms of finding one. I don't think I would deal very well if it turned out like the first one. I also don't have a big support network here – most of my friends moved back to my home country during the pandemic and my family all lives overseas. My friends here are now mainly DH friends and he wants to keep our fertility issues private, so I just don't have anyone to talk to.

OP posts:
QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 03/02/2023 14:30

OP I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I would research therapy options and ensure you have a consultation first, that way the therapist and you can assess initially whether they are the right fit for you. Please try again - I tried lots of different therapies over the years and didn't find them useful until I found my current one.

In regards to the ttc situation, if that is still where you want to go you have to sit your husband down for a deal breaker conversation.

America12 · 03/02/2023 14:30

K37529 · 03/02/2023 14:18

I think you really need to sit down with your husband and talk to him about this. Maybe he doesn't understand how important this is to you. If he says no would yous consider adopting or fostering?

Adoption and fostering are not solutions to infertility

Heartstopper · 03/02/2023 14:32

If you want to be with your dh more than you want to go it alone with a sperm donor, isnt that your answer? I know you will have to take time to grieve the baby you couldnt have, but you have a lovely man who means the world to you and the 2 of you can still enjoy a rich and fulfilling life together. Take comfort and pleasure from that?

I'm sorry if what I have written is offensive. It is not intended as such, but what struck me, as an outsider, is how devoted you must be to your husband that you choose him over the chance of a baby.

Original poster
backoftheplane · 03/02/2023 14:33

@MeMyCatsAndMyBooks he does not want a child born of donor sperm – and having looked into it a lot I can understand his thinking. I have considered adoption and read a lot about it (generally and people's experiences on MN) but as I said to PP this is just not something that I feel we would be suited to. I'm not sure what our other options are? I love him and I just want to have his child, with him.

OP posts:
Woolandwonder · 03/02/2023 14:33

ouch321 · 03/02/2023 14:21

Sorry but yes. You sound like you have an idyllic life but you're obsessing over this one thing. It isn't the be all and end all despite societal pressures.

Eh. What has OP said to give you the idea she has an idyllic life?
Societal pressures are hard to navigate, but you can also really want to be a parent independently of that.

Abasnada · 03/02/2023 14:34

I think maybe this is so hard because you’ve realised your husband doesn’t really care about you? You’ve lost out on a baby and the knowledge that your husband actually loves you enough to put you first.

Having a baby is a HUGE thing that’ll change your life forever. You obviously desperately want one and your husband is denying that. If it was a donor baby, it wouldn’t even you your husband wasn’t daddy to begin with it would love him as it’s dad.

I think you should definitely talk this through with a therapist and also think about whether you can stomach going on with your husband. If it were me I don’t think I’d get past the resentment of having a partner who killed my dream.

SafeMove · 03/02/2023 14:34

@backoftheplane that's good that you like to be organised. There seems to be a few things you can put into categories and start to tackle and organise. Work you have already started, that's great. What needs sorting re work? How about your mood? Is that one you could put on a list and tackle? How about finding someone to talk to? Whether it's a friend or professional, that could go on the list. Activities seem another - how will you organise the netflix/motivation issue? Who matters to you? Is there anything to organise and plan to make you feel more connected and less isolated?

K37529 · 03/02/2023 14:34

@America12 lots of people who can't have children adopt, how is it not a solution? Op wants a child and adoption would give her a child.

Original poster
backoftheplane · 03/02/2023 14:35

@America12 thank you for saying this. It seems to be the first thing that a lot of people (including friends) suggest and then they act as if I'm unreasonable or selfish for saying that I don't think we are suited to it. (and I have looked into it extensively and read a lot of people's experiences).

OP posts:
Jebboo · 03/02/2023 14:38

If he doesn't want a child from donor sperm, and is infertile himself, then it sounds like if you stay with him you will not have a child.

I think you need to decide which you want, DH or children.

It's a horrible position to be in.

ouse · 03/02/2023 14:45

backoftheplane · 03/02/2023 14:33

@MeMyCatsAndMyBooks he does not want a child born of donor sperm – and having looked into it a lot I can understand his thinking. I have considered adoption and read a lot about it (generally and people's experiences on MN) but as I said to PP this is just not something that I feel we would be suited to. I'm not sure what our other options are? I love him and I just want to have his child, with him.

I don’t think you have any other options, if he will not accept you using a sperm donor to have a child together, to become a mother other than:

a) split up from your husband and pursue pregnancy via a sperm donor or new partner

b) adopt a child together or as a single mother (or with a new partner)

I am so sorry you’re in the position and I appreciate you have ruled out these options already, given what you have said above. I hear what you say about these choices not being right for you.

Unless you can reach agreement with your husband, your only option is to make peace with this devastating news, accept you will not experience a pregnancy or motherhood with your husband and enjoy a fulfilling and child free life together. I am very sorry again you’re in this position but unfortunately I don’t think there are any easy answers here.