to feel like I'm about to have a breakdown?

[backoftheplane]

DH and I started TTC last year and then found out that we have severe male factor infertility issues that mean that we won't be able to conceive without a donor – something that DH is not at all interested in. Since we found out, I have been really struggling. I tried self-referring for the NHS mental health support but the wait times are just ridiculous (I was assessed then told 6-12 months before I would be seen). I paid for a private therapist (which was expensive) and we did three sessions before she suggested I should see someone else instead of her. I'm self employed and finding it difficult to do any kind of work and am really falling behind on deadlines. I spend all day just reading online about infertility and watching crappy netflix shows to distract myself and then feeling awful as I haven't done anything useful by end of the day. I also cry every day and just feel so hopeless. I'm worried I'm going to start losing clients due to quality of work and not meeting deadlines. I want to speak to someone else but found it so exhausting emotionally to go through everything with the first therapist only for her to say she didn't think it was working out and I don't know if I can afford (emotionally or financially) to go through that process until I 'find the right one'. I'm 38 and last week i got my period and it just felt like a clock counting down. I don't want to seem dramatic and I'm trying to put on a brave face publicly and in front of DH but I just don't know how I can cope. My family all lives in a different country and I don't have a lot of close friends here that I can talk to. Am I being unreasonable to be feeling like this? Does anyone have any advice?

I think you need to weigh up which one means most, having a baby of your own or your current partner. If its your current partner, and he is not willing to budge, even after he knows how much its ruining your life....then you are both just not compatible.

If its a baby, and he's not willing to budge, you need to go and do that without him.

I dont see a way of staying with him whether you love him or not, if it's not what he wants.

I guess I need a to do list for my life... I just don't know how to tackle the mood question. Finding someone to talk to is probably the best place to start. As a PP suggested I will do a consultation first to work out if it's a better fit. DH said he will help financially with that. I should probably start going to the gym more too, being active usually helps but I've just been finding it so difficult to get motivated. I sit here thinking I should do work and then half the day is gone and I'm still sitting here having done nothing. It also doesn't help that last time I went to the gym the woman next to me was pregnant and I ended up crying in the bathrooms.. I wish the question of finding a support network were easier.. I do feel quite isolated and a lot of that is to do with most of my friends either moving to other parts of the UK or back to my home country during the pandemic, which coincided with me deciding to be self-employed wfh and leaving the workplace. I've tried various things to meet new friends (hobby classes, yoga / gym classes, co-working spaces etc) but it's just so difficult to make new friends at 38 (especially when everyone else seems to have children / be pregnant). I also 'muted' a lot of people on my social media as I was finding it quite painful to see so many baby pictures.

It will take time to accept that you aren’t going to have a child, please be gentle with yourself and if you really don’t have anyone to talk to in real life then a therapist will help. It’s difficult that your first attempt wasn’t a good fit but that is important for both of you for it to help so do try again, it’s well worth it, I’m sorry you’re in such a difficult position.

You are 38 now so to be honest you are running out of time if you do want a baby.

Your options are

A). Leave your Husband and have a baby on your own.
B). Stay with Husband and have no children (the question is, is he worth it?).

I'm wondering why your Husband doesn't want a child of a sperm donor with you? At the end of the day, you will still be it'a biological Mother and he can raise the child as his own. In my personal opinion, I think he's being selfish, very selfish. I wonder whether the shoe was on the other foot, he would find another partner 🤔

After reading your thoughts on adoption/fostering and DH's issues about a sperm donor, it sounds like you have two choices, OP:
Stay with DH and learn to accept a child-free life
Or
Leave DH and marry a different, but fertile, man.

It boils down to one thing and that is if you stay together you will not be a mother.
it’s a horrible dilemma as you love this person but if he is made his made up ultimately so must you.

if you have gone to this length to try and have a baby already I’m not so sure you will be able to stay in this relationship but only you can make that decision

*made his MIND up

Would your DH come to counselling with you? Then you could both work through the challenges you’ll face as a couple now that children aren’t part of your future.

It sounds from the outside that your DH is expecting you to deal with this alone. That his decision is his decision (no donor sperm), and your decision is your decision (to leave or to stay).

But actually it’s the next part you need to tackle together - what will life look like now, how can we make our future together the best it can be.

You’re giving up a lot for him - the possibility of children, living away from your own friends and family. What is he doing for you in return?

Labelling him selfish is staggeringly judgemental. I know you are trying to be on OP's side, but if this was a post by a woman with infertility saying her DH would leave her if she doesn't consider a donor egg pregnancy everyone would be up in arms. This is just 'wear another colour t-shirt' it's asking him to have a baby that isn't biologically his all while he's processing the fact that he's let his wife down and he is the cause of the problem. He is also going through something.

OP I feel for you. There is a whole childfree community after infertility community out there. Are you on Instagram? Please look up @ chasing creation. They share loads of links to life following infertility and how it can drive you insane.

How recently did you find out about your fertility issues? As it’s your husband where the issue seems to be, don’t forget that he will also be coming to terms with it and is possibly struggling too, even if it doesn’t appear that way. Presumably as you were ttc he was also mentally preparing for life as a father, and he has had that possibility taken away. Have you had any counselling together? Do you think it’s possible that he could change his mind about donor sperm? I totally appreciate that you feel the clock is ticking, but maybe he needs some help too?

Have all options, including ICSI been ruled out? Are there any private IVF clinics who can offer you anything?

How long ago did your dh find out he couldn’t conceive? Is it new? Sometimes organised people jump to find a solution (sperm donor) and the other is still coming to terms with the situation. He might just need some breathing space to get used to the donor suggestion. Have a break from talking about this, easier said than done. Due to your age, you can freeze your eggs as a precaution and maybe after a few months off from discussions, he might be willing to explore the idea of a donor together.

I love him and I just want to have his child, with him

Sadly this is not a possibility. The pressure is on. You're nearly 40

Nothing wishy washy will do here OP

You need to either leave and go it alone with a donor - which isn't a guarantee of having a baby.

or stay with your husband and accept you will be childless.

It's so hard and I am so sorry you are in this position.

This. Sorry op

Totally agree with this.

I would also add, no matter how much you love him, being forced to live without the love of a child that you’re desperate for will be tough not to resent him for.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he might be upset and reeling from his infertility diagnosis. He needs to speak to a therapist, and you need to speak to a therapist together. He might just need a safe way to unload his feelings about children/sperm donors. And maybe things could change his opinion when he sits down and actually talks about it properly.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Might I suggest you look at the website Gateway Women? It would give you access to a community of women who have, either through choice or infertility, not had children. It might help in the short term to give you some support and talk about your pain. I do think that your DH doesn’t get to tell you that you can’t talk about this - of course you must respect his desire not to divulge private information, but this is about you and your choices and your pain. I have DC but my closest friend has been unable to and she has got through it, ultimately, and chose neither to adopt nor use donor material. It is indeed not a solution to infertility, albeit that it is a way forward for some. I wish you all the very best in trying to navigate the road ahead.

You’ve lost out on a baby and the knowledge that your husband actually loves you enough to put you first.
It's a decision for both of them, she doesn't automatically deserve to be put first? He gets a say too.

You've had some good advice already but I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are in this position, it must be incredibly painful. I hope you are able to find a way through it that works for you eventually.

Okay. So:

'Finding someone to talk to is probably the best place to start' - I know you have said all your family and friends are geographically far but could you contact them online? Don't forget that some experts don't need a referral pathway. There are helplines you can ring and talk to right now - the Samaritans are anonymous. Givesusashout do immediate text support? You can get the ball rolling on that quickly.

'I should probably start going to the gym more too, being active usually helps but I've just been finding it so difficult to get motivated.' - I am a walker, I don't see lots of pregnant women walking around so maybe instead of dragging yourself to somewhere you dread how about a walk?

'difficult to make new friends at 38 (especially when everyone else seems to have children / be pregnant). I also 'muted' a lot of people on my social media as I was finding it quite painful to see so many baby pictures.' - The issue isn't the actual pregnant people or the baby pictures or the children, the issue is that looking at your loss is causing you pain. You can't avoid these forever so maybe you could plan to address this. You can't live with this pain for the rest of your life so down the line soothing and dismantling this pain is needed. Activating a response to this pain could be useful?

You had a view as to how your life would be and now you’re grieving for that. You need to keep communications open with your dh and moving forward decide what you want from life. Create a new vision for you - does that life include dh? If yes, then what does a fulfilling life look like for you both?

I’m not you but I would be thinking about travel and ticking off places I want to visit. Find something to focus on - short term and long term. Creating a vision of what family now means for you. You will work through this and it’s okay to find it hard.

finally, I know some people swear by counselling but it’s not for everyone - it wasn’t for me when I tried it. You might find a diary of thoughts helpful as you can log the bad days but also remember to include a few good things and you’ll find, over time, you process and move forward.

Bit of a long shot, but would it change things if it was also a donor egg was well as donor sperm? At 38, it may come to that if you haven't tried to conceive before (though should be OK).

I’m so sorry you are in this position OP.
I can imagine perhaps your partner needs to come to terms with the fact he cannot biologically father a child. The truth is it is his life and if he doesn’t want a child from donor sperm he should be able to make that choice. In the same breathe, this is your life and you now have the choice wether to stay with your partner knowing you are most likely not going to have a child together or leave him and go it alone and use a sperm donor.

I think you and your partner really need to sit down and have a serious chat about the future. Do you think you could come to terms with a childfree life? Has your partner said he would rather have a childfree life than look into other options? Would you regret not perusing the sperm donor option to stay with your partner?

I’m so sorry you are going through this

@backoftheplane such a hard situation, I was a little similar in that we found out last Feb that my husbands sperm count was so low we'd never concieve naturally. He also wouldn't do donor sperm when we casually talked about it and tbh, I just wanted his child, or specifically the child we made together. We were lucky in that he had enough sperm to do ICSI IVF in August and it was successful, but if that hadn't been the case I had slowly reconciled myself to not having a child.

How long has it been since the diagnosis? I found time a great great healer, it's so hard to go from actively TTC one week and then sudden infertility another, your brain is completely geared to wanting this child and you've been working hard towards it. It takes time for you to get used to your 'new normal'.

There's such a thing as embryo adoption, where it will be neither of you genetically but you'd carry the child, don't think it'll be an NHS thing unfortunately but it may be about the same price as adoption, but again not guaranteed for success. Might be easier for hubby to get his head around than another man's Dna and yours.

Hope you get the support you need and wishing you the best xx

I'm not sure why he doesn't want to have a donor sperm, however would it be different if you used donor sperm and a donor egg... the baby would equally be no biological relation but you would experience pregnancy and bond from a similar place imo.

I hope you don't mind me posting OP because I do have children.
However, it came at a price.
My H was subfertile.
He was adamant he would not consider donor sperm or adoption.
We tried icsi & were lucky that it worked. However, he never came to terms with it & it made me ill (I hyper responded to the drugs, then got SPD which never resolved & am still on crutches). we have two lovely children but both have ASD & SEN. H left as it was 'all too difficult'.
The reason I am posting is to say: 'there are no garuntees in life'.
My picture of children & the reality is very different.

In your shoes, I'd try to find a specialist infertility counsellor.
Maybe call your local NHS IVF clinic & ask for details (they may also practice priviately). They should have a better grasp of the issues than a standard therapist. If it's a straight choice of child or H - which do you want more?
A child as a single parent can be hard work (depends on your circs of course)
& will eventually grow up & 'leave you'. But your H could also leave at any time.
It's all a risk tbh but you can only work out what your heart wants & go for that.
I wish you luck x