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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like I'm about to have a breakdown?

185 replies

backoftheplane · 03/02/2023 13:50

DH and I started TTC last year and then found out that we have severe male factor infertility issues that mean that we won't be able to conceive without a donor – something that DH is not at all interested in. Since we found out, I have been really struggling. I tried self-referring for the NHS mental health support but the wait times are just ridiculous (I was assessed then told 6-12 months before I would be seen). I paid for a private therapist (which was expensive) and we did three sessions before she suggested I should see someone else instead of her. I'm self employed and finding it difficult to do any kind of work and am really falling behind on deadlines. I spend all day just reading online about infertility and watching crappy netflix shows to distract myself and then feeling awful as I haven't done anything useful by end of the day. I also cry every day and just feel so hopeless. I'm worried I'm going to start losing clients due to quality of work and not meeting deadlines. I want to speak to someone else but found it so exhausting emotionally to go through everything with the first therapist only for her to say she didn't think it was working out and I don't know if I can afford (emotionally or financially) to go through that process until I 'find the right one'. I'm 38 and last week i got my period and it just felt like a clock counting down. I don't want to seem dramatic and I'm trying to put on a brave face publicly and in front of DH but I just don't know how I can cope. My family all lives in a different country and I don't have a lot of close friends here that I can talk to. Am I being unreasonable to be feeling like this? Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
backoftheplane · 08/02/2023 10:43

@Phrenologistsfinger I’m sorry to hear you are also going through this. It’s awful. For us, it does seem as if the issue is quite severe (azoospermia) so there isn’t really anything to work with / improve. But we are getting some other opinions and looking at what our options are. We contacted Jonathan Ramsay but he currently is unwell and not accepting any new patients, so we are speaking with the dr heis PA recommended (and who I’ve seen recommended a lot on here also). I just don’t want to get my hopes up too much as there is also medical background for DH which means it’s unlikely to be successful. All the best with your journey x

OP posts:
mucky123 · 08/02/2023 12:05

Empathy OP. This happened to me 16 years ago. My DH has azoospermia. We did have 3 kids via donor sperm. We rushed straight into it and I am not sure in hindsight that was the right thing to do (love my kids as I do). Time to think things through would have been beneficial. There is such stigma attached to male infertility you feel awkward discussing it, which makes it more difficult to process. The light at the end of the tunnel is that process it you will. Whatever decision you take it will get easier (for both of you). Ideally talk to someone but if you really can't talk it through with yourself in your head, slowly over time. Try not to let it overwhelm you. Keep telling yourself, nothing is settled, I have options (and you do, you can leave him, he may change his mind but before any decisions can be made you need to process). So sorry this is happening to you.

Original poster
backoftheplane · 08/02/2023 12:21

@mucky123 I’m so sorry you also went through this. There is such a stigma with male fertility - and it’s making it difficult to even talk to DH about it… he has finally made an appointment with the specialist but is so uncomfortable with the whole situation that he doesn’t want me being involved with appointments etc. it’s really hard as it makes me feel so alone. If you don’t mind me asking, what makes you think that donor sperm might not have been the best option with hindsight? (Of course, I totally understand if you don’t feel comfortable sharing!) x

OP posts:
America12 · 09/02/2023 06:12

K37529 · 03/02/2023 14:34

@America12 lots of people who can't have children adopt, how is it not a solution? Op wants a child and adoption would give her a child.

She feels adoption is not for her.

K37529 · 09/02/2023 10:36

@America12 I am aware as she had already said that, and as I said, that is fine I know its not for everyone. I wasnt responding to OP I was responding to your comment that adoption is not a solution to infertility. To flat out say that is incorrect as many people do see it as a solution and do choose this option.

BreathingDeep · 14/02/2023 17:57

How are you doing OP?

LAURAPAX · 22/07/2023 23:21

how are you op? hope you are ok xx

mrdvb · 22/07/2023 23:53

Hope you are ok x

SarahShorty · 01/08/2023 15:37

How are you doing, OP? Hope you're okay xx

FoodFann · 01/08/2023 15:43

backoftheplane · 03/02/2023 14:17

@KangarooKenny as I posted above in reply to pp, I just don't want to go it alone. But no, I wouldn't be in a very financially secure position to do so anyway. (DH earns a lot more than me, and we would be more than financially secure enough to have a DC together).

It sounds like you have made your decision then. Focus on the benefits of staying with DH instead of leaving him and trying for a baby.

Remember there’s no guarantee of having a baby, even if you did ‘go it alone’ - you could end up with no dh and no baby.

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