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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like I'm about to have a breakdown?

185 replies

backoftheplane · 03/02/2023 13:50

DH and I started TTC last year and then found out that we have severe male factor infertility issues that mean that we won't be able to conceive without a donor – something that DH is not at all interested in. Since we found out, I have been really struggling. I tried self-referring for the NHS mental health support but the wait times are just ridiculous (I was assessed then told 6-12 months before I would be seen). I paid for a private therapist (which was expensive) and we did three sessions before she suggested I should see someone else instead of her. I'm self employed and finding it difficult to do any kind of work and am really falling behind on deadlines. I spend all day just reading online about infertility and watching crappy netflix shows to distract myself and then feeling awful as I haven't done anything useful by end of the day. I also cry every day and just feel so hopeless. I'm worried I'm going to start losing clients due to quality of work and not meeting deadlines. I want to speak to someone else but found it so exhausting emotionally to go through everything with the first therapist only for her to say she didn't think it was working out and I don't know if I can afford (emotionally or financially) to go through that process until I 'find the right one'. I'm 38 and last week i got my period and it just felt like a clock counting down. I don't want to seem dramatic and I'm trying to put on a brave face publicly and in front of DH but I just don't know how I can cope. My family all lives in a different country and I don't have a lot of close friends here that I can talk to. Am I being unreasonable to be feeling like this? Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 03/02/2023 17:03

It's heartbreaking but sometimes life means that you can't have all the things you want.

However hard you work, wish or try.

So you have a really hard choice.

Husband or try for a baby.

You can't have both.

So you need to decide what you really want and then own that choice

Original poster
backoftheplane · 03/02/2023 17:08

@babynoname22 unfortunately, there's nothing there... hence me trying not to get my hopes up about the urologist appointment. I'm sorry you went through similar, but happy that you have your 2DC now.x

OP posts:
babynoname22 · 03/02/2023 17:09

@backoftheplane oh I'm so sorry. This is your hard

Workbabysleeprepeat · 03/02/2023 17:13

Hi Op I don’t have first hand experience of this but I do have a close female relative who is suffering infertility and was not successful having DC. She has told me three things that agree with some of the things previous posters have said:

  1. Not to hide how you feel from family, friends but particularly from DH. He needs to understand the depth of how you feel to really make these choices and vice versa.
  2. Find an activity that you can convince yourself to do when you need to process or can’t focus. Someone upthread suggested writing. For my relative it was gardening and walking. She enjoyed the nurturing and she said the ‘hands on brain off’ theory worked well to manage the feelings of despair.
  3. Lastly, she asked us not to protect her when we had DS. It was hard for us all and many times she was very upset facing the reality of not having children but it has helped her to start to move on and she has built a lovely bond with him over the last year and a half. It has taken 7 years for her to be able to feel like she can cope with the idea of no children. I wish you all the best. Please take care of yourself and if you are having a bad day, then feel free to do so and don’t ‘perform’ happiness for other people x
HappySonHappyMum · 03/02/2023 17:17

Almost didn't reply to this but realistically there are now only a finite set of options available to you.

  1. Stay with you DH and have no children
  2. Leave your DH and have children with someone else or on your own
The decision is yours and yours alone - you have to decide which one of these options you can live with. It sounds harsh - but that's the long and short of it. I'm sorry you're in this position but you have to be honest with yourself and live with your decision - and I think you're so upset because you know what you really want you just can't face leaving.
AnaNimmity · 03/02/2023 17:23

Personally, I’d be calling his bluff and cracking on with donor conception. if he wanted to divorce over it, that’s his right, but I bet he wouldn’t.

You have no time to lose op, and the resentment you’ll feel over his attitude will destroy your relationship anyway.

In 10 years time, you will either be divorced with a child, or divorced anyway with no child and it being too late for you.

I know which I’d choose.

PiperHarris · 03/02/2023 17:26

It is not right to keep asserting that the OP can give birth to a child if she leaves her husband. There is every possibility that she can't.

Workbabysleeprepeat · 03/02/2023 17:28

I would add also op which is hard to think about - my relative’s relationship did not survive it so she ended up single and childless.
She is now with someone else many years later but it is too late and she can’t now try again to have children because of her age.
Very hard choices ahead. I wish I could help more.

whitebreadjamsandwich · 03/02/2023 17:29

The question is.....can you love him enough, and can he love you enough, to fill the hole that not having a baby will leave for you? You say you have to accept his decision but that decision is denying you a child....can you live with that?

ThirtyThreeTrees · 03/02/2023 17:31

I'm sorry you & your DH are dealing with this.

My post is probably biased but spare a thought for your husband for a minute. Having been the partner who had fertility issues, he's probably feeling bit shit, like he's let you down, knowing that he cannot provide you with a child that you both wanted. I felt like a complete and utter failure.

We split up eventually and to be honest that fact I wasn't "enough" for my then partner, when I coudn't have kids still annoys me. I would have stayed if it was the other way around.

As difficult as it is, if you want a baby, and he can't have one, it may drive a wedge between you.

There are no winners in this situation. Counselling could benefit you both.

Original poster
backoftheplane · 03/02/2023 17:35

@ThirtyThreeTrees I'm so sorry you went through that. I know that DH feels awful and is also really struggling with the situation – which is why I'm trying to keep a 'positive face' around him. I love him and don't want to make him feel worse than he already does. He asked if I wanted to leave and said he would understand, which just about broke my heart. I want to be there for him, but I also don't want to end up resenting him. Infertility is just so unfair and there are no easy answers.

OP posts:
Justmeandme19 · 03/02/2023 17:41

Hey. I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles. By the sound of things you haven't known for very long! I think you must be in a position where your heads doing summersults, your at a cross roads as your original plan of having your own biological child isn't going to happen. You need time to grieve and adjust.
Give yourself time to catch up with where you are in life. I don't think donor sperm, adoption or any other alternative, should be thought about atm. Just take time to take stock of where you are.
No wonder works suffering, thats inevitable. Have you looked for any on line support?

CaptainNelson · 03/02/2023 17:43

OP, can I recommend listening to this podcast
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m001fcj4
Similar situation to yours, but from the father's point of view. Going to an infertility conference and hearing a young woman speak (whose father was a donor) completely changed his perspective on sperm donors.
I'm so sorry for both of you, I hope you're finding some support from the wonderful people on this thread x

Original poster
backoftheplane · 03/02/2023 17:47

@Justmeandme19 We found out in November last year – so have known for about 3 months now. I just wish that I didn't have a biological clock ticking as well. I'm really worried about my work actually – I'm currently behind on three deadlines, and I know the work I'm turning in isn't of the quality I normally deliver. I'm freelance and so not in a position to take a break from work or I will lose clients (and I worked really hard to get these clients). I wish I could just take a month off and look after myself. But as a freelancer, I can't even properly take a week off at short notice.. At the moment, I'm just in an endless cycle of stress and feeling like I'm not on top of things.

OP posts:
Original poster
backoftheplane · 03/02/2023 17:48

@CaptainNelson thank you - I will listen to the podcast and maybe recommend that DH listens too if things go the way I expect them to go at the urologist appointment. This thread has actually been much more helpful than I ever expected. I've been thinking about posting for a few weeks, and I'm so glad I did.x

OP posts:
BatshitBanshee · 03/02/2023 17:49

In your shoes right now Op, I would invest some time and money in therapy for you. This is all quite a lot to process and it feels like "maybe it'll happen" isn't really an option here. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this but maybe therapy would give you the breathing room away from the brave face to actually explore what is the right thing for you. Maybe DH would benefit from therapy separately too, you both need separate safe spaces to explore how you both feel without hurting each other.

If you really do feel at the brink of a breakdown though, there is no shame in inpatient treatment. This is quite big and quite difficult to navigate. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

CaptainNelson · 03/02/2023 17:52

backoftheplane · 03/02/2023 17:48

@CaptainNelson thank you - I will listen to the podcast and maybe recommend that DH listens too if things go the way I expect them to go at the urologist appointment. This thread has actually been much more helpful than I ever expected. I've been thinking about posting for a few weeks, and I'm so glad I did.x

So glad to hear that, OP. Big hug

FancyFanny · 03/02/2023 17:56

ouch321 · 03/02/2023 14:21

Sorry but yes. You sound like you have an idyllic life but you're obsessing over this one thing. It isn't the be all and end all despite societal pressures.

The desire to have a child is more than societal pressure!

BaroldandNedmund · 03/02/2023 17:57

I know it’s his decision but it’s just so selfish and narcissistic in my opinion. And I’m not sure why some people are saying you can adopt….if he’s happy to adopt rather than using a donor sperm then that to me, seems like some sort of jealousy toward the donor sperm. If he can’t have his own biological child then neither can you. He’s watching you self destruct because of his own pride.

I’m not a harsh person at all but I can’t understand why you’re looking for a therapist and why people are giving you ways of dealing with the psychological trauma. There’s a reason for the trauma that your DH could solve and he isn’t doing that. Your choice is having or not having a baby on your own because your relationship isn’t going to last.

Happinessandrainbows · 03/02/2023 18:00

ouch321 · 03/02/2023 14:21

Sorry but yes. You sound like you have an idyllic life but you're obsessing over this one thing. It isn't the be all and end all despite societal pressures.

Inability to conceive is absolutely tragic for people who want to have kids. It's not just 'this one thing', as you put it.
Really shocked by your comment.
What made you assume it's societal pressure when OP didn't even mention anything like that? If you don't want to have kids that's fine but don't assume that other people only have them for questionable reasons.

PiperHarris · 03/02/2023 18:07

@BaroldandNedmund Your post is demonstrating such an enormous lack of empathy it's quite something to see you accusing others of narcissism and selfishness.

litlealligator · 03/02/2023 18:11

Have you spoken to your DH about how he would feel about the possibility of having a child using both donor sperm and a donor egg, i.e. A child that's not technically related to either of you? Obviously more complicated but I just wonder whether in a strange way that might feel more "fair" or less threatening to him compared to his wife having a baby by another man (in his eyes?)

I also think in this situation it might be helpful to try to focus on the positives and do things you couldn't do with kids or while pregnant. It might feel like everything is awful right now but there are upsides to not having kids and perhaps focusing on them might help you vision a life for yourselves without children, that might be different to what you expected but could still be amazing? Lots of lie-ins, nights out - work out how much you'll save every year on nursery fees and plan an amazing holiday with that money to somewhere totally not child friendly...

runningismytherapy · 03/02/2023 18:12

OP, just another thought - and again, by no means an easy one - but if you’re feeling the time pressure, have you considered having your eggs frozen?
Obviously another huge decision to make, and it’s really not easy but it might be worth considering. xx

Panjandrum123 · 03/02/2023 18:15

backoftheplane · 03/02/2023 14:15

@ElegantlyTouched DH asked if I wanted to leave. I said no. I just want to have a baby with him. We've been together for 10+ years. I don't want to be pregnant and single having just ended a 10 year relationship with someone I love.

@backoftheplane I think you are both grieving the loss of the biological baby you find you can’t have together. It also sounds as though he hasn’t come to terms with his infertility and this is making him resistant to a donor.

I think you need to decide what your needs and options are, then talk them through with him, given you are 38 and you deeply wish to be a mother. You know that adoption isn’t the path for you so need to consider:
no child, but staying with someone you love
baby via donor with your husband
baby via donor as a single parent
baby with a new partner

A child by donor doesn’t mean he won’t be a father in the ways that matter, but he may not yet be able to see that. BBC Radio 4 explored this in an episode of Room 5
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m001fcj4

I hope you find a way forward that works for you both 💐

thestealthwee · 03/02/2023 18:15

backoftheplane · 03/02/2023 17:08

@babynoname22 unfortunately, there's nothing there... hence me trying not to get my hopes up about the urologist appointment. I'm sorry you went through similar, but happy that you have your 2DC now.x

I'd explore every Avenue before writing it off OP. At least then you can say you've tried? I'd also say that to your husband - that you are prepared to have a childfree future with him but you want to at least do a round or 2 of ivf first - you don't know until you've tried it. Don't just take it as over now otherwise you could really end up resenting him