to feel like I'm about to have a breakdown?

[backoftheplane]

DH and I started TTC last year and then found out that we have severe male factor infertility issues that mean that we won't be able to conceive without a donor – something that DH is not at all interested in. Since we found out, I have been really struggling. I tried self-referring for the NHS mental health support but the wait times are just ridiculous (I was assessed then told 6-12 months before I would be seen). I paid for a private therapist (which was expensive) and we did three sessions before she suggested I should see someone else instead of her. I'm self employed and finding it difficult to do any kind of work and am really falling behind on deadlines. I spend all day just reading online about infertility and watching crappy netflix shows to distract myself and then feeling awful as I haven't done anything useful by end of the day. I also cry every day and just feel so hopeless. I'm worried I'm going to start losing clients due to quality of work and not meeting deadlines. I want to speak to someone else but found it so exhausting emotionally to go through everything with the first therapist only for her to say she didn't think it was working out and I don't know if I can afford (emotionally or financially) to go through that process until I 'find the right one'. I'm 38 and last week i got my period and it just felt like a clock counting down. I don't want to seem dramatic and I'm trying to put on a brave face publicly and in front of DH but I just don't know how I can cope. My family all lives in a different country and I don't have a lot of close friends here that I can talk to. Am I being unreasonable to be feeling like this? Does anyone have any advice?

Oh gosh this is so very difficult for both of you.
I hope you can find a way to talk properly to each other in the near future and work through this.

Is he also as devastated as you?

Wanting a child 9 years ago wouldn't *make it different.

I'm not sure what our other options are? I love him and I just want to have his child, with him.

If you can’t adopt or use a sperm donor then your only other options are to separate or to come to terms with not having a baby.

I know adoption isn’t for you but temporary fostering may be worth looking into whilst you’re figuring out what to do next.
You both obviously have a lot of love to give and although it will never be the same as you own child, the feeling you get from caring for a child in need is bound to be fulfilling.
It may also help you to decide whether you can live without having your own baby and staying with DH or if you need to leave.

Would he consider embryo adoption? The baby would not be biologically related to either of you so your egg is not getting fertilised with an another man's sperm if that's what he struggles with.

Is he also as devastated as you?

Probably more so, as he’s the one with the ‘problem’ and has even less chance of ever conceiving a child than OP does.

Just about the therapy, try again with someone else. It’s actually a good thing that the therapist opted not to continue if they felt not in the best position to help and it doesn’t say anything about you at all. I know it must have felt difficult. Therapy has helped me so much in the long term, but it could also help with the shorter term issues you are feeling pressure about.

Not at all to be flippant because you must be going through hell right now, but why not get an animal? I know they’re no substitute for children at all and shouldn’t be treated as such but you seem to be going through a massive life shock and perhaps having a (puppy/kitten/lizard/bird etc) would help redirect your grief and give you something to focus on and nurture?

It won’t stop the grief you’re feeling at finding out you can’t have a child with the man you want, nothing at all will stop that, but having something to take care of and love can be an amazing distraction.

Therapy is a great tool when you find a therapist that can help with your issues but they’re few and far between. It might be worth contacting infertility charities and discussing with them if there’s any counselling in your area? They may even be able to help with the cost of it.

I hope you find a way through this, please remember that it is ok to mourn and grieve. This is an unimaginably difficult and painful time and how you feel is completely valid

Your DH might just need some time as others have said but there seems to be a fundamental misunderstanding about what having a child is about. It provides an opportunity to nurture something, to provide it with a good life, to shape it, to produce an upstanding citizen. That fact doesn't change whether its biologically yours or not. It makes me wonder whether your DH had properly considered the point/impact/reality of having a child to begin with, other than 'to pass on your DNA' and from then onto whether your DH would actually make a good father (only you can judge that). There are plenty of examples of people on MN who clearly did not realise how life changing having a child can be (and perhaps would not have done it if they had appreciated it) and how much strength and commitment and love it requires. In a way its not necessarily a bad thing for either of you to find out now that this may not be the path for him.

The other thing I would say is that you would need to be able come to terms with a childless/childfree life in order to stay with him, since otherwise the level of resentment is likely to eat away at your relationship. If you don't think you can do that, then you have nothing to lose by leaving now and seeing what else is out there and other ways you can realise your goal.

I wanted to respond to your post as another person who has experienced infertility. We found out my husband has severe MFI, so started the process of IVF treatment using ICSI. We then found that I had low ovarian reserve, so few eggs and didn’t respond well to IVF meds. We tried for 8 years, did 5 rounds of IVF and eventually on our last round tried donor eggs, and I’m now pregnant at 40. There was a miscarriage and a biochemical pregnancy thrown in there too. So, we will hopefully get there now in the end, but it’s an awful, lonely, miserable situation to be in and I have huge sympathy for you.

I too found it terribly difficult at times to be around pregnant women and see baby announcements etc - it’s normal, be kind to yourself and limit exposure to those things if you need to. It took a long time for me to decide to use a donor, and it was a case of needing time, going through the process of trying with my own eggs, and exploring all the options.

Things that helped - open, honest conversations with each other; specialist counselling via our IVF clinics; talking to friends who had been through IVF; trying to keep doing nice things with other so infertility doesn’t dominate life (holidays, gigs, cinema, whatever you fancy or can afford). I always found my husband and I have our best talks when out of the house - on a walk or out for dinner.

There is an infertility board on mumsnet (in the becoming a parent section I think), where you may get more informed advice about possible treatment options. As others have said, ICSI can be done with very few sperm.

You’re in a very difficult position, and I very sincerely wish you all the best xx

@backoftheplane I am glad it has helped. Everyone jumped on the baby/fertility issue but you actually talked about a breakdown and how to cope so I hope my posts helped with that as it is rubbish living daily like that. Take massive care of yourself and @ me if you have anymore questions

This is my personal point of view. No right or wrong.

I was in your situation, male factor infertility, and chose my husband. We had failed IVF/ICSI and it was me who did not want to explore sperm donor. We thought we wouldn't have children.

Unexpectedly, many years later, I had my daughter with my husband. We still don't know how it happened.

I love my husband, but if I had realised what it meant to have my child i would have done anything to have her and that includes hypothetically leaving my husband and going it alone.

My advice to you from my own experience is to leave and use a sperm donor as time is not on your side. Do not give up the chance to be a mother for the love you think you have for a man.

Hi, OP - has your DH been diagnosed as azoospermatic? And if so, has it been confirmed as non-obstructive? If not, it is worth pursuing further.

Male infertility is not an area of medicine that many doctors have much knowledge of, even in fertility clinics where much of the focus is on female infertility. Seeing a specialist really matters. Get a referral to a good urologist, they can work wonders. I have good reason to know this, as we also have severe male factor infertility.

I don’t think you’ve entertained the possibility that he doesn’t want to be with you and this is his way of ending the relationship.

He knows how much you want this and that doesn’t matter.

He is fine seeing you miserable every day.

Have you considered leaving him?

I think you need to speak to your husband. Is there a compromise option that he would consider? Perhaps a known sperm donor like a relative of his so that he feels a biological connection with the baby?

I assume that he is upset about his infertility and may have had a knee jerk reaction. He may need some time to really think about it and consider your perspective.

So sorry to read this it took me right back to when I was ttc. I recognise the obsessional reading of fertility articles and inability to think about anything else.The cause of our subfertiliy was never found but DH was really unsupportive and I had a really unhappy experience with counselling. With hindsight I realise we should have had counselling together at the time. We got lucky with IVF, but the way he behaved during that journey, and subsequently as a parent has been a problem that festered away for years until last year I contacted Relate and we finally got it all out in the open and have rebuilt our relationship.
I think a lot of men just want the whole thing to go away so you can carry on as you were. Your partner has to realise there's no going back, and be grateful that you're willing to do what it takes to give him a child.

@Intrepidescape and the award for least helpful comment goes to....

Really? You think my DH is using male factor infertility (which he is also devastated by and struggling with) as a way of ending the relationship because he doesn't want to be with me...? If he no longer wanted to be with me, I'm guessing he likely would have come up with some other excuse before he suggested we stop contraception and have a child together...

And, given my original post, you also think that posting a comment like that is helpful?

@QuantumWeatherButterfly yes - this is our situation. I have found a very highly recommended urologist and am just waiting for DH to make the appointment. I'm torn between clinging onto hope and not wanting to get my hopes up..

Have you looked at assisted conception? Would ICSI work for you?

Years ago I knew someone who was told he could never father a child. they adopted a baby and a year later his wife found she was pregnant. So there's always hope.

I've been in a position very similar to yours and I would say give yourself and your DH time to consider the situation after the shock wears off.

Firstly I know how incredibly tough infertility is and it's such an achievement that you have acknowledged your need to deal with the trauma. My situation was different in that my DH and I needed to use donor eggs after I had a massive tumour that stole my ovaries. At first I said no way, it would have to be "our" baby or no baby. But as time progressed I understood that what I actually wanted (needed) most of all was to be a parent. To raise a child with the man I loved.
In terms of "biological" connection ...with donor eggs the fact that the child grows in your body, gets it's nutrients from you and hears your heartbeat is about as biological as you can get! Genetically the child would not be related to me but it would have been related to my husband and I loved him so would love his child too. It was very much a journey we went on as a couple though. The donor conception network has a lot of very good resources that would be helpful for both of you.
It really isn't something that can be decided overnight and as trite as it sounds it really is a journey.
Would you and your husband consider embryo adoption or double donor? That way whilst neither of you would have a genetic link with your child you would both be the child's parents.

It is something to think about. Along with everything else - what do you both want most in life - each other? To be parents? To have genetic offspring? infertility is horrifically unfair and hurts like hell, it really isn't easy for either partner look after each other.

You need to decide what you want more; H or a child. And if you choose H, then you absolutely need to be 100 per cent sure of that.

FWIW, I know someone who was in your shoes. H refused donor sperm and refused adoption. She never got over it, never had counselling and has admitted how bitter she is having stayed with him instead of moving for what she wanted.

@BatshitBanshee tbh I'm so worried about this. I don't want to leave and I don't want to end up resentful – so I don't know what to do... and even if I were to leave I would probably still be resentful as I would either be in a position where I still didn't have a child (I'm 38 now) or I would be in the difficult position of being a single mother having used donor sperm (which would involve me having to move back to a country I haven't lived in for 15 years in order to have a proper support network). There are just no good outcomes (unless the urologist is some kind of miracle worker which I'm really trying not to pin my hopes on as it would be crushingly disappointing if I do and nothing comes of it..)

Would you mind sharing the diagnosis then people may be able to help? Or on the infertility boards? I found them very helpful when went through IVF.

If there is no sperm there at all obviously this is more devastating but some sperms means things like ICSI and TESE could
Help? Sperm regenerates every 3 months or so and some supplements can help
To improve quality as well as some lifestyle changes but it would take you DH to be fully onboard.

This is really hard for you OP. You have my sympathies. It was suggested to us by one consultant we use donor sperm and I was really angry. DH has sperm but just slightly useless ones. Low count. Low motility low morphology. But didn't mean that ICSI wouldn't work. Donor was cheaper. I refused and said we didn't want that (DH was more chill than me but then that's usually the case) anyway he took supplements made a few lifestyle changes and we had IVF ICSI. Fertilised 12 eggs 5 made it to embryos. We froze them as I had OHSS. One didn't survive the thaw. The other resulted in my DS2 nearly three.

We have also since then made a baby naturally too to our complete and wonderful surprise. He's is 5 months.

So the upshot of my post is all is not lost if there are some swimmers there.

@ladycarlotta I'm not saying adoption is the solution to all fertility issues, and can completely understand why op doesn't want to do this, as I said it's not for everyone and I wouldn't judge anyone for not wanting to go down this route. However for a lot of people with fertility issues adoption is a solution in which everyone gets a happy ending. I was adopted, my mum wanted a baby and I needed a mum so we both got what we wanted/needed. Yes there is added issues, questions etc that need to be considered when choosing this path and it's perfecting fine if someone does not want to do it, but to say it isn't a solution for some is incorrect.

What you are going through is utterly shit. The way you are feeling and behaving is by no means surprising. You WILL get through this but it takes time, you are right in the worst of it now and you need to give yourself a break. You deserve all the kindness and compassion you would show to your best friend who was going through such a situation.

Firstly, you do have to come to terms with the idea that you may well not have biological children. Your tests might not show that you have any particular issues but that doesn't mean that you are going to be able to get pregnant and carry a healthy child to term, via donor IVF or by having sex with other men. That is true at any age but more so at 38.

Secondly, you need to really think about how you feel spending the rest of your life with your husband without children. You and your husband both each need to talk to a therapist and to a trusted person in real life. His shame (which he must feel deeply) must not keep either of you locked in this painful prison - no good decisions are made in that situation. You must talk and so must he. You must talk about all of your feelings, all of your fears, all of your options. Then you must do what ultimately feels right for YOU based on facts.

Whatever the outcome of this is: YOU WILL BE OK. This is the hardest thing but you are far stronger than you realise and there is a long and fulfilling life ahead of you with or without children and/or your husband.