to feel like I'm about to have a breakdown?

[backoftheplane]

DH and I started TTC last year and then found out that we have severe male factor infertility issues that mean that we won't be able to conceive without a donor – something that DH is not at all interested in. Since we found out, I have been really struggling. I tried self-referring for the NHS mental health support but the wait times are just ridiculous (I was assessed then told 6-12 months before I would be seen). I paid for a private therapist (which was expensive) and we did three sessions before she suggested I should see someone else instead of her. I'm self employed and finding it difficult to do any kind of work and am really falling behind on deadlines. I spend all day just reading online about infertility and watching crappy netflix shows to distract myself and then feeling awful as I haven't done anything useful by end of the day. I also cry every day and just feel so hopeless. I'm worried I'm going to start losing clients due to quality of work and not meeting deadlines. I want to speak to someone else but found it so exhausting emotionally to go through everything with the first therapist only for her to say she didn't think it was working out and I don't know if I can afford (emotionally or financially) to go through that process until I 'find the right one'. I'm 38 and last week i got my period and it just felt like a clock counting down. I don't want to seem dramatic and I'm trying to put on a brave face publicly and in front of DH but I just don't know how I can cope. My family all lives in a different country and I don't have a lot of close friends here that I can talk to. Am I being unreasonable to be feeling like this? Does anyone have any advice?

Have you explored all medical avenues? (assuming he is willing to do so). If he is ejaculating sperm icsi might be possible. If he is making sperm but there is a blockage then surgical sperm retrieval might be an option. The conception boards on here have lots of knowledgable people and were a great help to me when we were facing infertility.

This is such a difficult situation to be going through op. Facing fertility issues can be really tough and throw you into a grief-like state of all the loss/potential loss involved. I can totally understand your distress and it is often difficult to talk about it as not many people get it in real life unless they have been affected by it.

This is important to you. Your dh's fertility diagnosis is relatively new and it takes a while to adjust to. I'm not saying he will change his mind but there's a lot to take in, hence the information gathering you have been doing - he may well be open to sperm donation once all other avenues in terms of treatment have been explored. Have you been in touch with the fertility network UK to see what support/information they are able to provide? Some areas have fertility support groups too. Which region do you live in?

It is also frustrating when people say 'why don't you just adopt?' It's not that simple. Wishing you all the best op.

What reason did your therapist give for saying you should find someone else?

Wow MN at its finest, you really jumped to the conclusion her husband doesn’t care about her lol.

What about her husbands feelings about not wanting to have a child based on another man’s sperm? That’s invalid because only her feelings matter?

Setting aside the parenthood issue- you need support. Go back to your GP and ask for another referral for counselling, or a prescription for low dosage anti depressant. Explain how bad your mood is getting.

Can you take two weeks off work? Don’t watch fertility programmes or read about it constantly, it won’t help.

Was there any particular reason why you waiting 9 years with your husband to start trying for a baby?

@XmasElf10 this is exactly it – it wasn't just having a DC. It was everything around that life. I think back to my childhood and my parents' entire social circle was other parents they met through school / activities / sports. They are still very good friends with a lot of those people. We went on family holidays with them, would spend weekends with them etc... and now my parents have adult children that they enjoy spend time with, and grandchildren from my sister. And that's a new phase of life for them. Without DC, I lose not just the experience of having and raising a child, but everything around that that I had always just assumed would be my life. To come to terms with that (especially when I don't have any family nearby / won't be a part of any other children's lives in a meaningful way) is really difficult and devastating.

Oh this is very sad. I don't know how you can get over wanting a child. Not until after menopause when it is no longer a possibility. It must be torturous. Even more so because there are options for you to become a mother, but he is saying he could not love and accept a child of yours if it isn't biologically his. That says a lot about him imo.

Either you have a baby some how or you accept that it's not going to happen.

Let's assume leaving your husband isn't an option atm. I can relate to him not wanting to bring up 'another man's child's. Now I'm thinking outside the box here but is there a male family member who would consider being a donor eg a brother or father? Might he go for that so the child would still be continuing the blood line?

I'm assuming that when you became serious you discussed children so it's not that he's against the idea of becoming a parent. Love is about compromises but I'm unsure how you can on this one. If you fall pregnant without his consent the trust has gone. You've deliberately deceived him. If you accept you'll never be a mum he's let you down and you risk resenting him. Both could lead to relationship breakdown

Other than a family donor, I've no suggestions. If you believe you will break down over this I don't think your relationship will survive so I'd give myself 6 months to mentally prepare (check out) then leave and go it alone.
Big hugs

@Whatislove82 because it was the right time for us. I also don't see how that is a particularly relevant or sensitive question given my original post.

Fertility issues are so very hard to deal with, and whilst others may have similar problems your journeys will always be different so it does feel incredibly lonely at times.

There are so many things they can do to help these days, it’s definitely worth exploring other avenues - and you have time, I know how that time pressure feels but age is definitely not a deal breaker!!

However, before any of that, I really hope you can find someone to talk to about all of this. It’s going to be hard whether you end up continuing TTC, choosing a different route to parenthood or deciding to be child free and having a support system around you will be imperative to help get you through it. Xx

@SafeMove thank you - this is really helpful. I think I am going to start writing things down. Maybe when I feel myself slipping (and the entire day slipping away from me) I can set a timer and do 15 minutes of writing in a journal. Then get on with my day. And I will definitely look into the resources you've mentioned. You've been really helpful, and I appreciate that so much.

I was wondering if perhaps your DH had never been particularly enthused

The point of adoption is to give a child parents, not give parents a child. I respect the OP for saying it's not for her - it's not just getting given a lovely newborn baby because you want one, it's signing up to be the whole world to a child who is very likely to have had a really sad and traumatic start in life, and will grow up with difficult questions that might not have easy answers. I'm sure that adoption is wonderful and rewarding but it isn't the catch-all solution to infertility, although some infertile people adopt.

What an odd question
Is there an optimal time to make a life changing decision like that?

Why did the therapist suggest you go elsewhere?

I was simply wondering whether the DH had been reluctant.

for a woman desperate to have a family, it in a very long term and secure marriage, and financially secure… it struck me as interesting to wait 9 years and I wondered if that was because of the DH

Hi, OP.

Firstly, just to say it's always a risk posting on public forums about infertility issues (through bitter experience!)- lots of people who haven't been through it themselves just do not understand - for example the suggestions about fostering/ adoption.

Please pay them no heed - there are always people who will not understand and you can't make them. Take a deep breath and focus on yourself.

I've been through similar to you with male factor infertility and needing to use a donor. It's a hard journey and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I can completely understand why you might feel you are about to have a breakdown.

I'm so sad to hear you are facing a potentially childless future if you stay with your DH. That's not what you envisioned for yourself, but it sounds like he is OK with it and doesn't want to use a donor.

So you are faced with a stark choice, really - stay with DH and not have a child, or leave him and go it alone. A third option is to try and explore it with him/ try to persuade him - how certain do you think he is and how much do you think he's thought about it? My DH really struggled at first, but he has come around, it is possible.

I do recommend you find a counsellor who specialises in infertility. They usually list on their website if they have areas of interest, and a lot of counsellors will offer a reduced rate first session so that you can 'try it out' and see if they're a good fit. I know it seems like a lot of effort but the truth is it's worth it, and you will probably find you only need to try one or two who specialise in fertility before finding someone who will understand.

I wish you the best of luck whatever the future holds, also happy to chat via DM if you want to.

But why does that matter? It has nothing to do with why they can't have a baby.

Just another voice adding to PP that you need to share this with your husband. It’s not up to you to protect him because he feels bad, it’s not that sort of situation, you should be facing this as a team.
As PP have said, couples split over these situations as resentment builds, yes potentially you have something to lose by talking but I think you have much more to gain… and if he loves you I don’t think you stand to lose much.
I hope he makes the appointment OP and that things work out… best of luck

Really? You honestly don’t think it matters?

because if the op desperately wants a child hit her husband doesn’t want to, then it’s a heck of a lot different leaving someone that you have such a fundamentally different desire in life so versus leaving someone who has exactly the same desire as you and is totally “in it” with you but due to infertility is prevented from doing so

@Whatislove82 for what it's worth, DH began the conversation about the time being right to stop using contraceptives – so yes, he is on board entirely with us conceiving if it were to be both of our child biologically.

I don't think you will be able to be truly happy with him if it is your dream to have children. It is a very big life change to be or not to be a parent and I think if you are 100% sure that is what you want then you need to figure out a way to make that happen with or without him as you will regret it and resent him if not.

Personally I would get a second opinion - it really comes down to what you want to pay. I had a friend whose partner has had a vasectomy and they went into his testes and pulled out a sperm. My husband has severe infertility basically zero but the lab technicition found some suitable sperm and injected into my eggs as the ivf clinic did not trust his sperm to enter on its own. IIts known as Icisi

No, it doesn't matter when couples feel ready to have a child. Wanting a child 9 years ago would make it different. They are ready now. They wanted a child now.