to feel like I'm about to have a breakdown?

[backoftheplane]

DH and I started TTC last year and then found out that we have severe male factor infertility issues that mean that we won't be able to conceive without a donor – something that DH is not at all interested in. Since we found out, I have been really struggling. I tried self-referring for the NHS mental health support but the wait times are just ridiculous (I was assessed then told 6-12 months before I would be seen). I paid for a private therapist (which was expensive) and we did three sessions before she suggested I should see someone else instead of her. I'm self employed and finding it difficult to do any kind of work and am really falling behind on deadlines. I spend all day just reading online about infertility and watching crappy netflix shows to distract myself and then feeling awful as I haven't done anything useful by end of the day. I also cry every day and just feel so hopeless. I'm worried I'm going to start losing clients due to quality of work and not meeting deadlines. I want to speak to someone else but found it so exhausting emotionally to go through everything with the first therapist only for her to say she didn't think it was working out and I don't know if I can afford (emotionally or financially) to go through that process until I 'find the right one'. I'm 38 and last week i got my period and it just felt like a clock counting down. I don't want to seem dramatic and I'm trying to put on a brave face publicly and in front of DH but I just don't know how I can cope. My family all lives in a different country and I don't have a lot of close friends here that I can talk to. Am I being unreasonable to be feeling like this? Does anyone have any advice?

I think maybe this is so hard because you’ve realised your husband doesn’t really care about you?

That's a goady thing to say. The psychology of not wanting to have a child that isn't biologically yours is really complex and doesn't mean he "doesn't really care" about his wife.

That's really tough OP, I'm sorry. As asked by PP, have you looked into IVF/ICSI? Possibly even surgical sperm retrieval?

I get the wish to put on a brave face but do you have to include your husband? Sounds like you really need his support at the moment and he needs to know how you are feeling.

To everyone who is saying it's stay or leave, it's really not that simple right now.
OP it sounds like this has blindsided you to the extent you can't see the wood for the trees.
You can't be expected to make huge decisions on your relationship right now.
You need some stability and consistently so that the dust can settle.

I'd be looking into CBT as from reading your OP I spotted a couple of behaviours - like over researching infertility - that are going to be keeping you stuck in a vicious cycle of negative thoughts, and you won't find the answers you're seeking as the decision to explore further has been taken out of your hands by your DH. CBT (a good CBT therapist anyway) will help you spot the maladaptive coping behaviours and work to reduce them, help you plan a graded routine, start to socialize and support you through the grieving process.

Having cone through miscarriage myself I understand to an extent the feeling of being totally lost. I wish your wait times for therapy weren't so long - get on the wait list anyway but in the meantime look for someone private.
I echo PP re calling a helpline, I wonder if there are any infertility specialist ones?
My heart goes out for you.

Hi OP.
Sorry to hear you’re having such a tough time.
Have they ruled out IVF with ICSI?
Most fertility clinics have counsellors, perhaps you could contact them and see if they also take private clients?
Might be a starting point.
xx

I think I need to speak to a therapist again but I just don't know where to start in terms of finding one. I don't think I would deal very well if it turned out like the first one.
Either a) the first therapist was being unpleasant about you as a person or b) she just meant that the two of you did not click, and/or you needed a different kind of therapy. The latter situation b) is absolutely fine and normal and no reflection on you, and if it was actually a) then that's an issue with the therapist and also no reflection on you. Therapists have to deal professionally with people who are annoying/boring/stupid/etc. - that is their whole job. Don't see this as a failure on your part.

Re finding a new one - I was in the same situation as you a few years back - worried about not getting on with a therapist - and what I did was to google local therapists, look on their website for a photo of them and choose one I liked the look of: she looked non-scary and nice, so I felt more comfortable when I met her. And maybe you can tell something from a photo about whether you're likely to get on. I don't know if this is an option for you?

Like others, I wondered why ICSI wasn't an option. My understanding was that they only needed to find very few spermatozoa to make it work.

It's very rare for men to have none at all, but maybe the quality of the few available is not good enough for ICSI?

If you've done a lot of research, I assume there must be a reason why it's not an option. Sending hugs. It's really hard.

A huge part of your life plan has been taken away from you. It’s not surprising you feel the way you do. If you are staying with your DH you need to take time out to digest this. It’s a big loss and I’m sorry you are going through it.
I agree with pp that adoption is not an answer to infertility and you would have to show that you were at peace (for want of a better phrase) with infertility before the adoption process started. It can be a brutal process and adoption in the UK today means very few people adopt babies.
A friend recommends this excellent book: Beyond Childlessness’ by Rachel Black

@runningismytherapy I have found a private fertility clinic that comes really highly recommended for this kind of thing and DH has promised to make an appointment to look into this. I'm hoping so, so much that there are some options for us, but it doesn't seem promising based on the initial diagnosis. He is also under huge pressure with work and a few other things, and hasn't actually made the appointment yet. He has promised he will call them this afternoon..

@Blueberrypeapod thank you – I will look into the book x

I just wanted to say that I totally understand and it's sh$$$T. My DH has MFI and were unable to have children, (We did adopt 2 children in the end)
living with infertility was far and above the worst thing that has ever happened to me . I was utterly miserable. You are not making a fuss about nothing. This is a real and terrible tragedy for you and I sympathise completly.

I seems to me that it's a black and white situation. Either you stay with him and have no children or you leave him and have children. So I suppose it's the 'known vs the unknown'.

I was faced with a 'similar but different' situation as exH announced 4 years in that he didn't want children and we wouldn't be having them. But he was also abusive so my choice was made easy. But even if he hadn't been abusive I would have left anyway as I wouldn't ever have chosen him over having children. In a way, your DH's refusal to consider donation is rather the same as announcing that HE has made a decision and that's that. Without knowing his reasons it's hard to say if he's being 'reasonable' or not.

BTW, I'm an adopted child, adopted as an infant. Just be sure you've considered adoption 'practically' and not in light of 'horror stories'. Not all adopted children are maladjusted or 'troubled'. Most of us grow up to be 'perfectly normal'. But again, we don't know his reasons for ruling out adoption.

If he has a thing about not wanting to raise a child that isn't biologically his, then any new discussion with him is dead in the water. I'm just glad my dad didn't feel that way.

You need couple counselling, surely? It sounds as if you regard this as your problem, but it's a problem for you as a couple. You both need to talk this through until you are able to work out where you stand as individuals and as a couple. He probably doesn't want to talk and has shut down. Finding you're infertile is likely to have been a major blow to him — or maybe not? You've been together 10 years without having a child so perhaps he never really wanted one. Therapy will help you understand where each other is coming from and whether there is hope of you continuing as a couple without one or other of you being perpetually unhappy.

I really hope this works out for you OP, I can’t imagine being in this situation, I totally understand why you want children, we make plans in our head to get married and have children, we picture what it will be like, so to have that taken away is pretty tough. I hope you manage to work something out and you get to have a child/ren.

@SafeMove thank you for your advice – it sounds like you might work in this area? Your posts make a lot of sense.

My family is in a different time zone as well and it just means that trying to connect during the day is difficult – it needs to be early morning or very late evening.. both of which can be a bit tricky on both sides. I did try calling one of the help lines but found it very useless. It was a fertility helpline and the women who answered kept telling me about her children and telling me she was sure I'd eventually conceive naturally. I felt about a billion times worse when I got off the call.. so I'm a bit hesitant. tbh I feel a bit better just writing everything down here..

Walking is a good idea. I tried swimming but had the same issue with seeing a lot of pregnant women and our gym also has a childcare / creche in it so it is always full of toddlers and babies at the entry which is hard. You're right though that I need to address the pain – what do you mean by activating a response to the pain? Do you mean facing it rather than hiding from it?

Not wanting to raise another man's baby does not mean OPs husband does not care for her. Both sets of feelings have to be taken into account (which OP is obviously doing) and not just the one that wants a baby.

You think he should just go along with it despite his feelings because it's what his wife wants?

@gabsdot it really is awful isn't it... and it's the kind of thing that people just don't understand unless they have gone through it themselves. I'm so sorry you also went through this, but I'm happy for you that you found a way to have your DCs.x

@kitsuneghost this is exactly how I feel. It's so difficult to reconcile respecting his right to make his own decisions (which is obviously so important when talking about a potential DC) and the loss that I'm feeling right now. It's just a really awful place to be. I know DH is also struggling with feeling like he's failed in some way and that's why I'm trying to show a brave face in front of him as I don't want to make him feel worse, but it's really difficult.

Are you my sister ? Her DH had sperm issues and refused all options, she chose to stay with him and have no children. Fast forward 5 years they split up as she was so resentful and it ate away at her but she'd missed her 'window' and now is in a lovely marriage but childless and it still eats her up. I'd really push for counselling together to get both your thoughts out in the open.

This is really devastating and hard to process. It’s ok to feel how you feel ❤️

I think this is not just about a baby but about your whole life. Having a kid / kids totally 100% changes the focus of your life forever. When you think of having a baby you also think of what comes after and you make little plans in your mind - you visualise your life. Now there is a very real possibility that having a child with your DH is not possible you need help to re-visualise a new life with you and him together but without children. Then you need to decide if that is what you want. This must be a huge shock (even if you sort of knew it was coming) and a massive re-adjustment in your internal life plan dialogue. I think counselling and joint counselling with your DH will help. You both need to be visualising the same future and you need to eventually find a place where it is a future you want and not just something you are stuck with or you'll end up resenting him later.

Yes its a difficult position and can see why you don't want to put pressure on your husband. I do feel you need to talk to him about it though. But it's just difficult to know how to go about it.

I wish you luck.

I think you really need to explain to your husband how much having a child means to you. Not sure what I would do in your situation as the solution seems so easy in some ways, but a million miles away if he won't agree.

Hello Backoftheplane

firstly, I am so sorry to hear what tough times you are going through, your reactions are totally appropriate

I don’t know how recently you’ve found out re donor but I can’t imagine how devastating this news has been for both of you, it will take time time for you both to grieve and process then figure out the next steps

I should imagine that your partner has lots of complex emotions and is completed gutted. He needs to accept the news before you discuss the option of using a donor (bear in mind men aren’t as good at talking as we are)

I am four years on the TTC IVF rollercoaster due to male factor. We haven’t been successful yet and I understand how all consuming/ draining and relationship wrecking this journey can be. Very few people get it (including regular counsellors) but I have found a fab one through my Ivf clinic who has been able to offer a lot of support.

I think you should both talk to a fertility clinic counsellor before any big decisions are made

all the best xxx

@backoftheplane yes, so instead of just feeling the free range pain and not knowing what to do with it and becoming submerged with it you activate a response to the pain - either by managing it, facing it, studying it, talking about it etc.

Instead of just feeling it over and over, you respond to it. Like you would with a headache. I follow the holistic psychologist on Instagram and she has come up with a great 'pain' plan. Just like physical pain, emotional pain needs a response. She encourages stuff like:

1. Breathwork: breathing sends signals of safety to the body and can shift polyvagal states. I have a bunch of breathing exercises in @howtomeetyourself or you can search for “box breathing” or “straw breathing on YouTube.
2. Journal the thoughts: let them flow onto paper witness them come and go.
3. Move the body: the mind follows the body. Notice how yoga, a brisk walk, or stretching shifts the mind.

I kind of feel like if you can pause the pregnancy/infertility/marriage conundrum and focus just on you and your safety and wellbeing the other big hitter answers might come with time. But at the moment you are just trying to deal with too much. It's too big. When you boil it down you matter. Your every day safety and wellbeing matters the most.