to feel like I'm about to have a breakdown?

[backoftheplane]

DH and I started TTC last year and then found out that we have severe male factor infertility issues that mean that we won't be able to conceive without a donor – something that DH is not at all interested in. Since we found out, I have been really struggling. I tried self-referring for the NHS mental health support but the wait times are just ridiculous (I was assessed then told 6-12 months before I would be seen). I paid for a private therapist (which was expensive) and we did three sessions before she suggested I should see someone else instead of her. I'm self employed and finding it difficult to do any kind of work and am really falling behind on deadlines. I spend all day just reading online about infertility and watching crappy netflix shows to distract myself and then feeling awful as I haven't done anything useful by end of the day. I also cry every day and just feel so hopeless. I'm worried I'm going to start losing clients due to quality of work and not meeting deadlines. I want to speak to someone else but found it so exhausting emotionally to go through everything with the first therapist only for her to say she didn't think it was working out and I don't know if I can afford (emotionally or financially) to go through that process until I 'find the right one'. I'm 38 and last week i got my period and it just felt like a clock counting down. I don't want to seem dramatic and I'm trying to put on a brave face publicly and in front of DH but I just don't know how I can cope. My family all lives in a different country and I don't have a lot of close friends here that I can talk to. Am I being unreasonable to be feeling like this? Does anyone have any advice?

Oh what a position to be in op. I'm so sorry. I think you have to think of yourself in about 5years time, would you be genuinely happy to know in 5years that your opportunity has gone and you still love him more than that? Do you have any feelings of resentment now, because that is something that will grow. You do have choices right now, and time is of the essence. Only you can weigh up the cost of these choices. I can understand both pov, just that you would lose out more than him. You wouldn't want to look back on your life and regret this even if you do remain with your dh.

Ok, this might sound terrible, but it crossed my mind that your DH has made a decision he doesn't want to raise a child that isn't from his own sperm, which is of course his right. But that doesn't mean that you can't go ahead with treatment using donor sperm to have the child you want. You could stay married and have a child using donor sperm. Your DH doesn't have to be the father of the child you have.

I know this isn't the ideal outcome you want - you want to have your DH's child and raise that child together, but you can still have a child using donor sperm, and you could stay together (if your DH agrees), and he doesn't have to be the child's father - just your husband.

Have you explored this idea with your DH? Or has he outright said that if you go down the route of having a child using donor sperm he will leave you?

It seems to me that this could be a good solution. Due to your DH's infertility he will not be able to have a biological child, but he wants to stay married to you. You want to stay married to him, and you can have a biological child - if you use donor sperm.

So stay married to each other, and you have a child (for yourself) using donor sperm.

Chances are, if you were successful and had a child this way, your DH would get over his issue of the child not being biologically his and love/raise the child as his. And you won't have had to give up your dream to be a mother.

Oh OP, I hear you on all counts, and you've had such brilliant advice already, but on the work front, I absolutely get it. It sounds like you desperately need a break to catch your breath and refocus, but it's impossible as the work will keep piling up.

I'm in the same situation - currently chasing my tail endlessly, and often feel paralysed and so I lose the day doing other things which puts me further behind.

My advice (which I'm also going to follow):
Get the cleaning stuff and clean and polish your work station - make it look nicer and more pleasant to be in. Tidy desk, tidy mind and all that...
If you have three projects that have fallen behind, which can you make the most progress on in the least amount of time? Focus on that.
Make a list of everything that has to be done - write everything down and then prioritise in order of urgency and some quick wins. What would make you feel most happy to get ticked off the list? Focus on those, and just work your way through the list, knowing you can't get everything done in the blink of an eye.
Work this weekend - use some of Sat and Sun while clients aren't working to catch up so you feel more in control of it and don't feel sick just thinking about Monday.
If you're really worried - can you drop your clients a line, say that you've had to sort out some personal issues which has meant you've worked a little less than usual, but it's now back to normal and they can expect the next phase of the project on X day. If they're really understanding, buy extra time and then deliver early - they'll remember that you overdelivered.
When it comes to actually doing the work, make a hot drink, light a scented candle, put on music or a podcast or whatever works best for you, and section off the time and dedicate to tasks, then treats. So, Sat morning, 9.30-10 - write out tasks and prioritise, 10.30-12.30, work on task 1, 12.30-1ish, have a lovely lunch, 1ish-3ish, work on task 2, 3ish - have a nice coffee, and so on. Blitz through the tricky stuff and get things ticked off the list, it will get your brain back into productive mode and you'll feel 10000 times better!

This is such a difficult situation, I was the same. My husbands sample had only 3 single sperm and 2 of those were immobile, I thought our dreams of being parents was over. We had a consultation with an andrologist, he had a procedure called PESA and they found blockages, they extracted enough sperm to freeze and we had ivf with icsi, where they inject the sperm onto the egg. I knew I couldn't stay with him if he didn't agree to that because my longing was too great to be a mother.
If you won't leave you have to accept you will not have children and have counselling, which the fertility clinic will have available. All the best.

I think the advice of talking about the option of donor sperm and donor egg is a good one given that the OP does not want to adopt (I don't know if her DH is open to adoption).

he wants to keep our fertility issues private, so I just don't have anyone to talk to.

No, he wants to take his fertility issues private. It's not something anyone would necessarily want to be spoken about to a lot of people. But that means he's denying you any chance of support. He's making all of this all about him. Which I understand up to a point. His sense of masculinity and self esteem will have taken a huge blow discovering that he's infertile.

But shutting you out, saying it's his way only, what he will/won't do, what he wants/doesn't want, isn't fair on somebody who is his life partner. Those decisions have a massive impact on you and he shouldn't be cutting you out. Effectively saying that what you want doesn't matter to him.

OP I don't think it's you who needs counselling. He does, to come to terms with his infertility and regain his sense of self. Rather than burying his head in the sand, which will mean it continues to affect him.

This is batshit
I think op knows very well that when her dh says he didn't want a child conceived with donor sperm, he wasn't suggesting she go ahead and have one anyway and he'll find a way to live alongside it...

I'm going against the grain here - I can't see that he's being unreasonable, but neither are you. I think the choice is, as pp have said, end the relationship and look to have a child without him, or accept that you will be childless. I'm sorry, it's a very difficult decision but I don't think it's something he will be able to compromise on if he is not comfortable with children that aren't genetically his.

OP my husband has infertility and I spent a year researching. If ICSI did not work for us our next consideration was actually egg donation from a young woman = apparently a young woman's eggs can sort out some of the male's sperm issues. I did not have any reason not to get pregnant - it was clear it was my hubbies sperm issue but he was also not up for sperm donation either but I did not care so much I just wanted a baby. Thankfully icsi did work for us but I would have tried the egg donation with hubby's dogdy sperm if it did not.

You sound a thoroughly decent lovely person OP, as does your DH. It’s just not that simple to up and leave. DH is your chosen life partner and not easily dispensable.
My DH did not want biological children but wanted to adopt which is what we did. I didn’t have an urge to have a biological child but I did know I wanted to be a mother. BUT we all have different wants and needs. I sincerely hope you find peace of mind in whatever you decide to do x

That's so tough and so unfair. Don't be hard on yourself, give some time to come to terms with this. I think good to be very open about how you're feeling with your DH as he's going through this too. Can you go away together and take some time out?
Such a frustrating situation with the therapist feel there should be more duty of care etc in place sometimes! So sorry OP x

I didn't read the whole thread, but I just wanted to say you're not alone in this! It is such a difficult position to be in, and one I can relate to so much... as we were in the same boat with my husband not a long time ago.

Having been together for 10+ years before we hit our mid thirties, things were not happening for us, so we investigated and it turned out we also had a case of severe male factor infertility. Luckily, with a few lifestyle changes (especially stopping smoking, plant based diet, no alcohol for a while - all suggested by our NHS consultant) DH managed to improve his count very very slightly, but enough to be able to go through one round of ICSI. It all took us both years of commitment though. But that's not really what I came here to say.

I found that in case of MFI as hard as it is for both partners, it is extremely hard for the man involved. Like THE ultimate failure or total emasculation. To the point that even my otherwise sensible and intelligent DH is still in denial about the whole thing. For instance, he claims that having to provide a sample is so stressful it suppresses his sperm count psychosomatically. It may be the case that your husband needs some counselling to face and process his diagnosis. Would he be open to that at the very least?

Ultimately, it is down to you OP and how you feel about never even having a go at parenthood. I was adamant for years that I don't want or need to be a mother... until I realised it was going to be near impossible to conceive naturally. Staring into the future devoid of the experience of motherhood made me feel really really desperate and I simply knew I have to try - with or without my husband - so I can have no regrets down the line. Donor sperm (or eggs) is just a means to an end, if you want to be parents together. Having this opportunity is a blessing in a way. But you have to sit down and work it out together, as painful and challenging as it is.

I hope you can figure it out.
All the best!

But why not? He doesn't want a child conceived with donor sperm so he's basically given his wife (OP) an ultimatum: to stay with him childless, or leave the marriage. Why can't OP say she wants a child and will conceive that child with donor sperm, and he can either stay in the marriage with her when she does so, or leave himself if he can't find a way to live alongside it.

Why does the decision have to be based solely around what HE wants?

@livingonpurpose I’m not sure this would be the healthiest environment to bring a child into… anything that we do that results in a child, we would both need to be very much on board with - a potential child doesn’t get a choice in the situation they are born into. As parents, we can control that situation as much as possible to ensure it’s a positive one.

Or ops husband has realised that she doesn't love him enough to respect his decision on a really important matter. With consent it's always the person saying no who gets the final say and rightly so.
OP we were in this position but to be honest we both agreed that if any child couldn't be both of ours then we wouldn't go ahead with a pregnancy.
And we did adopt in the end

Your posts are mystifying. You don't seem to understand the basics, tbh.

@livingonpurpose

you don’t have children, do you?

I do actually. But I chose to have my dc alone with donor sperm rather than with the wrong man.

Personally, I think those suggesting the OP immediately splits from her happy marriage to go it alone with donor sperm as the crazy ones. She doesn’t want to leave her DH, she just wants a child (ideally with him). I’m trying to suggest a way she could have that. If he finds he can’t handle that, then he gets to leave.

If he does leave OP is no worse off than if she followed the suggestion to go it alone. But he may find that actually, once the child was here, the fact that it’s not biologically his doesn’t matter. Then OP gets both things she desires: a child and her marriage.

I totally agree with you OP that any environment that you bring a child into needs to be a positive one. If you followed my suggestion you would definitely have to be prepared to end up as a single parent, if your DH decided he couldn’t go along with it. Although, really any woman has to go into parenthood knowing there is a possibility they could end up as a single parent (given that so many marriages/relationships fail).

But with my suggestion you would get the opportunity to have a child. And possibly also your marriage if it turns out your DH can find it in himself to live alongside your decision.

I really feel for you OP, the situation you find yourself in has ripped up the picture you had in your mind of what your future would look like. And I’m afraid that if you aren’t willing to consider the potential of having to raise a child by yourself, then you must come to terms with not having one. That won’t be easy but I hope you find acceptance/peace with whatever decision you reach.

Hello, i found myself in a similar situation and ended up having my baby via donor sperm, at an IVF clinic. Husband's full support, he seemed to have little hesitation given that he has other health issues (mental and physical) that he didn't want to risk passing on anyway. Sounds blasè perhaps in writing, but it wasn't. Although we later split - nothing to do with infertility on the face of it from my perspective but I can't speak for him - he remains a part of our child's life in his own way. My daughter is now 6, and I am so so happy that I went down this route. She is wonderful and aware of how she came to be, as she always has been - at an age appropriate level. The future feels bright and I thank the donor daily (in my mind of course, I never met him although have no doubt we will one day!). Good luck with whatever decision you make...I only have good things to say about using donor sperm and whilst of course there may be issues which arise for my daughter in future (identity related, maybe?) she has and will always have my transparency, honesty and support which will hopefully smooth the way. It's has not been half as scary as I thought it would be and certainly the friends and family I've shared with have been so supportive. You can have your baby!!! X

I should probably say that we were only 31 when we found out about husband's infertility and I had my baby at 35. In my mind at the time I told myself that whilst I could easily leave him to find someone else to have a baby with (our marriage wasn't perfect), I loved him and believed I would have stayed with him anyway, if he did not accept using donor sperm, because at that moment he was the most important person in my life. My blood runs cold thinking about this now, if I had stayed with him and he refused to use donor sperm, and we had no baby only to divorce anyway!!! That would have been a hideous, hideous outcome, because now of course my child is the love of my life! I'm so glad I didn't sacrifice that (or should I say, didn't feel the need or pressure to sacrifice this, from him).

I don’t mean to be one of those people, BUT having had a baby, I can guarantee that there is NO MAN on earth who would have been worth giving up my baby for.

Our baby came about after a long road of operations (DP willingly had a vasectomy reversal). I’d thought that I would be ok if he hadn’t wanted to have a baby, but I realise now how horrendous that would have actually been. Thank goodness he went through with the op, because I cannot bear the thought of not having had my DS. We’re still happily together, so have no idea what the outcome would have been without a baby, but I hate the thought of how it would have been, knowing what I know now.

The whole point is that you wouldn't know what you know now. There are always multiple roads to choose, we don't know what the outcome would have been of the ones not taken.

So because OP wouldn’t know how wonderful it is to have a baby, she could live happily having chosen her DH.

However, in my opinion there is nobody on earth worth choosing over having a baby. An uncompromising man who is comfortable putting an end to his wife’s dreams is certainly not that person. In my opinion

I don’t want to give you false hope but it can be possible to improve sperm issues with lifestyle changes, supplements and treatment for medical issues e.g. infections or varicocele. Obviously I don’t know exactly the issue… We have seen improvements (although it looks like my eggs are now the issue).

If you can afford it, highly recommend the urologist, Dr Jonathan Ramsey, as he really knows his stuff. Don’t just accept being told no go (unless medically there is something v serious obviously), sperm refreshes every 3 months so is much easier to work on.

Otherwise, I’m right with you on the grieving/frustration/panic at a childless future I didn’t want. No answers yet but solidarity.