Just not convinced that DD doesn’t want children

[Lilliansway]

Last year, after unsuccessfully TTC for 3 years, DD and her DH were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. It hit DD very hard indeed. She‘s an only child and has always told me that her dream is to have a big family. Since being a teenager she’d told me of a deep rooted fear/instinct she had that she couldn't have children. As a mother, I of course tried to rationalise these fears, yet sadly those fears have become a reality.

Up until now they’ve been on the waitlist for IVF, until today DD tells me that they are no longer going to have children and have decided to get a dog instead. DD says that they just don’t want children after all and will be happier and wealthier in the long run without. Hearing this was a shock, given DD’s prior wishes and I can’t help but feel that it’s a decision to protect herself from the stress/potential disappointment of IVF, as I know she can bury her head in the sand and avoid tough situations.

I don’t want to be a pushy parent but equally it would break my heart to sit by and watch DD to avoid something she really does want, only to regret it later in life when it’s far too late. They are both turning 30 this year, so they don’t have time on their side either. Would greatly appreciate some guidance on how to raise this topic sensitively with DD.

Myob

You don't, it's their business and not for you to try and change their minds. They've made their decision

Honestly?! She’s still in her twenties from your post? Just leave it.

Every day on here I hear the sensible and right phrase , “her body, her choice”.

does this apply to your DD too @Lilliansway ? Surely?

I mean you say she avoids tough situations etc, but this isn’t exactly a “tough situation”, it’s a horrendously emotionally and physically involving process

YABU I feel

I understand and sympathise, but I really think you can't stick your beak in here. Your DD and her DP are adults, and their approach infertility/childbearing is between them. I can't see it ending well if you interfere, however well-meaning you may be.

They are both turning 30 this year, so they don’t have time on their side either.

You cannot be serious?

Mind your own business.

Having been in your dd shoes - don’t get involved it’s non of your business.

You shouldn't raise this with her at all. Ever. This is solely her and her husband's business. If your daughter comes to you and specifically asks for your opinion/advice, give it, but until that day, you stay out of it.

You can’t. Listen and support and possibly, if it’s the right moment, you can ask her if she’s absolutely sure but don’t go on about it or ask more than once.

Let your DD know you are there to listen but you shouldn't be offering advice/opinions. This is something she needs to make a decision about with her DH.

Dont pressure her into something she has told you she doesn't want to do. It's not your decision to make. Is a concern on your side about her not giving you grandchildren coming into this desire to intervene?

I don't think you can do much except from supporting their decision and being there for her. She might mean it or might not. They still have time to change their mind, it's not like she's 60 next year that time isn't her best asset. My friends struggle with infertility and they decided to take a break after TTC naturally, before proceeding with IVF. They were just tired of this whole thing.

Would greatly appreciate some guidance on how to raise this topic sensitively with DD.

You don't. It's probably been very difficult for your daughter to come to terms with her infertility, now that she has you should leave the subject alone. No one can predict the things we may or may not regret.

Would it make you feel better if she said, actually I do want kids but I can't bear the trauma and emotion in IVF which may not be successful? Making her saying it loud would make you feel better even if it makes her feel worse?

Or are you saying that you think she's made a wrong decision and you think you should have the chance to convince her otherwise?

Not your choice. She needs to decide herself, and doesn't need to share her reasons or justify herself. All you can do is accept her decision, and if she regrets it later, support her through it.

She's only 29. Maybe she's decided to take away some of the stress of listening to people asking her when she's getting on with that massive brood she said she wanted trying to get pregnant by telling everyone they're taking a break, and just enjoying life. And so what if she's changed her mind?

Also, if you weigh in now, she'll mentally add 'letting Mum down' to the list of things currently stressing out her ovaries.

She turns 30 this year and already knows she will need IVF so luckily, she DOES have time on her side, she can change her mind in a few years if she wants. I no you come from the best possible place here, but this is not your place to push on. Be there to listen not push OP.

This sounds more about you wanting grandchildren than what she actually wants? Sorry if I'm mistaken. Ultimately you need to support her decision.

They are both turning 30 this year, so they don’t have time on their side either

This is nonsense, they have plenty time.

You don't do anything.

Not now, not for a couple of years at least.

Your DD and her DH need to process this themselves, and stepping off the merry-go-round maybe permanently, maybe just for a while, is a pretty good step to take.

You can’t raise this with her. Whatever her reasons for choosing not to do IVF are their reasons and not up for discussion, their reasons, however weird they may seem to you, are valid. End of!
if they change their minds at a later date there are many foster children out there desperate for homes.

As she's an only child, is it the lack of grandchildren that really bothering you, OP?

This. She is processing the best way she can. Don't interfere with that process.

I know many people who've experienced infertility who lied to family members because the pressure and constant emotional input was too much.

Be there, as a safe place to vent, and nothing more.

You really need to leave her alone .if they have decided they don't want to go down ivf route then that is up to them. .my dd is 30 soon I can't imagine being so invested in her like this.

but feel that it’s a decision to protect herself from the stress/potential disappointment of IVF,

Quite possibly. Not an entirely unsensible decision either.

This would be more understandable if she was 40. But she's 29. The infertility is unexplained so it's not about her egg reserves or quality. She's got a good five to ten years if nit a bit longer to reevaluate and go for IVF, or even to get pregnant naturally.