Just not convinced that DD doesn’t want children

[Lilliansway]

Last year, after unsuccessfully TTC for 3 years, DD and her DH were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. It hit DD very hard indeed. She‘s an only child and has always told me that her dream is to have a big family. Since being a teenager she’d told me of a deep rooted fear/instinct she had that she couldn't have children. As a mother, I of course tried to rationalise these fears, yet sadly those fears have become a reality.

Up until now they’ve been on the waitlist for IVF, until today DD tells me that they are no longer going to have children and have decided to get a dog instead. DD says that they just don’t want children after all and will be happier and wealthier in the long run without. Hearing this was a shock, given DD’s prior wishes and I can’t help but feel that it’s a decision to protect herself from the stress/potential disappointment of IVF, as I know she can bury her head in the sand and avoid tough situations.

I don’t want to be a pushy parent but equally it would break my heart to sit by and watch DD to avoid something she really does want, only to regret it later in life when it’s far too late. They are both turning 30 this year, so they don’t have time on their side either. Would greatly appreciate some guidance on how to raise this topic sensitively with DD.

Respectfully. Back off. Your motivation is clearly about you. Just because you regretted something, doesn’t mean she will.

She is still young, take the pressure away.

A family friend was diagnosed with unexplained infertility, got a dog, then became pregnant in her 40s and the child is 7 and healthy now!

Or 6. She may have realised that children were what you wanted for her, rather than what she wanted for herself. Sometimes when you are a child or teen it is hard to know the difference.

Very good point.
Which do you think is more likely to be the considered, carefully thought through position? A child saying they want to have a big family when they're grown up? Or that child, when they are grown up, married and having already had the physical and mental invasiveness of medical investigations, deciding that they don't wish to pursue ivf at all costs?

OP, you are choosing to ignore the message your dd is telling you because it doesn't fit the narrative you want

Please, for your dd's sake, respectfully listen and just be there for her. Don't try to push her into a path she has clearly thought a hell of a lot about. Ivf is gruelling. She probably already knows that more than you.

That's a fair point @Moanycowbag I didn't mean to give false hope and it is also fine not to have children, to choose not to pursure that very intrusive and costly risk of IVF. but to get a dog instead! Or just be free. Nearly all of my closest friends didn't have children - several of them have dogs and the ones who don't travel a lot - they all have very fun, fulfilling lives.