Just not convinced that DD doesn’t want children

[Lilliansway]

Last year, after unsuccessfully TTC for 3 years, DD and her DH were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. It hit DD very hard indeed. She‘s an only child and has always told me that her dream is to have a big family. Since being a teenager she’d told me of a deep rooted fear/instinct she had that she couldn't have children. As a mother, I of course tried to rationalise these fears, yet sadly those fears have become a reality.

Up until now they’ve been on the waitlist for IVF, until today DD tells me that they are no longer going to have children and have decided to get a dog instead. DD says that they just don’t want children after all and will be happier and wealthier in the long run without. Hearing this was a shock, given DD’s prior wishes and I can’t help but feel that it’s a decision to protect herself from the stress/potential disappointment of IVF, as I know she can bury her head in the sand and avoid tough situations.

I don’t want to be a pushy parent but equally it would break my heart to sit by and watch DD to avoid something she really does want, only to regret it later in life when it’s far too late. They are both turning 30 this year, so they don’t have time on their side either. Would greatly appreciate some guidance on how to raise this topic sensitively with DD.

Best to stay out of it. If you keep encouraging her to keep trying you’re just setting her up for more disappointment and excruciating sadness. I’m sure you don’t want that for her? Respect her (and her husband’s) decision as I’m sure it would’ve been a really really really tough and emotional one for them to make.

What could you actually say to her though ?

I understand you want to support your daughter but she's made her choice...so say nothing.

Since being a teenager she’d told me of a deep rooted fear/instinct she had that she couldn't have children.

That's so strange and it didn't come from nowhere...

I think you need to leave well alone. Your thread title reads to me like you don't trust your DD to know her own mind. She's said she doesn't want children - believe her. Don't let her know that you think you know her better than she knows herself. She is not you.

I get that you wouldn't want her to live with regret. But equally, more importantly actually, this is her life to live. She will, sadly, know full well that if TTC without assistance hasn't worked, then there's no magic guarantee with IVF. So maybe this is "burying her head in the sand" in your view .... but "taking control of my life" in her view.

Maybe the dog comment was flippant, or will turn out to be the best thing in her life.
Maybe she will be healthier without IVF intervention and / or mental stress of the process.
Maybe her teenage comments about having a big family were genuine, or the views of a child unfettered by the reality of conception struggles.
Either way, being a loving & supportive mother might mean for you staying silent on this one, just letting her know you're there for support if she ever wants to talk, but not sharing your regrets.

Maybe your daughter and her husband have changed their mind and decided they do not want children.

After all enough couples say they don't want any then change their minds. That's the main reason doctors won't agree to vasectomies or sterilization.

They can have a lovely life with a dog and no children

I wouldn’t raise the issue at all. If she raises it with you, then best thing is to validate her emotions and support her decision.

It’s braver to say stop we’re happy than keep slogging on. She’s not even 30?!!! Let them be. They might have a fun 5 years and then decide at 35 to try again.
I applaud your daughter.
maybe growing up she just echoed your clear wants for a big family and regrets and has realised once she jumped of the TTC treadmill that she’s actually happy and it’s your wants not hers?

IVF is not for everyone. Presumably she's looked into it and decided it's not the route for her. Trust her. Accept what she is telling you. She may well change her mind in the future, who knows? But doing anything other than just supporting her now is unreasonable.

it's not up to you. mind your own business. your daughter's decisions at the age of 30 do not come into the category of "your own business".

the process of IVF is gruelling physically and mentally with success rates that mean it's more likely that than not that you won't end up with a baby. Given that, it's perfectly reasonable for someone to feel they would like a baby if the means to that will just be unprotected sex, but to feel that they don't want to go through with the additional turmoil if it's not going to happen naturally.

deal with your not-being-a-grandma disappointment without further reference to your daughter. volunteer for brownies or some other community kids programme, there's hundreds of ways to have kids in your life without putting pressure on your dd to change her mind.

This. I think there is a lot to unpick here OP.

I have a good friend who told me years ago (before either of us had long term partners, etc) that she just had a ‘feeling’ that she couldn’t have children. I can’t imagine it’s that unusual?

I can completely understand why you’re worried OP (I think it’s very unlikely that they’ve suddenly decided they don’t want children anymore after 3-4 years TTC) but there’s nothing you can do. I imagine her and her husband have realised they don’t want to go through IVF, which is understandable.

It’s a horrible situation.

Such as?

I had this feeling too as a teenager and it turned out to be true without IVF - but I’m sure lots of girls who know they want kids have this fear and for some it will be true and others it won’t.

"that's fine sweetheart, all I want is your happiness and you know I'm always here whatever you decide".

She's 29, she has realistically over a decade to change her mind, or not. Perhaps they have had a mind change, perhaps she's accepted its easier than the pain or failing IVF, maybe she's hoping if she de ides no she'll tempt fate. Either way, your job is support

My only concern is that I don’t want her to live with regret. I regret only having one child myself, so I’m certain I’d have bitterly regretted not having any children had I have chosen that.

Your daughter isn't you, and the harsh truth is that sometimes we do have to live with regret, and there's nothing you can do about it. Allow your daughter to make her own decisions and allow her to face the consequences of her choices, whatever they may be.

Honestly, with unexplained infertility, I think chilling and getting a dog might be the best way forward. They might still conceive. i have several friends who did once they stopped fretting about it.

They are still young and have time to go down the IVF/ICSII route later if need be.. I had my first DS at 39! Just support them. people who have to make tough decisions desperately need people on hand just to listen and trust them.

I had the same fear. I have three kids. Lots of girls and women have that fear until they actually conceive. It only really takes something like wonky periods to make you paranoid of its something you want.

She's unlikely to be psychic

Jeez time is totally on their side. My MIL changed our relationship forever by constantly banging on about kids when I was in my 20s.

There is nothing more annoying than people overstepping the mark on starting families. They are probably exhausted and fed up and have decided to just enjoy their lives together. Seems completely sensible to me.

I don't think it's your business to raise this with her at all. It's her decision.

30 is not old these days and she certainly hasn't left it too late to change her mind.

You never know, if she stops needing to think about treatment and pregnancy issues all the time and relax it might just happen naturally after all.

You are coming across as a pushy parent - this decision is not yours to change.

You are not your daughter!

This is for her and her husband to decide and nothing to do with you.

You may be letting your own feelings about one child affect your views. Don't forget that even people who make the right decision for them may in some ways 'regret' it later, as that's just part of life, getting old and reflecting on paths not taken isn't it? It might actually turn out to be the right decision for her to have no children. If you must, tell her you are there for her to talk if she wants someone to air her thoughts/feelings about the whole thing. That might naturally lead to a conversation in which she can reflect on how she feels about it. But don't talk about your own regrets, it's not about you. She isn't here to right your wrongs if that makes sense

If you’d said she was turning 40 I’d have understood your concern.

Some people don't want to gamble on the uncertainty and potential heartbreak of IVF. That's fine, it's a perfectly valid choice. Sometimes it's better to let go of an old dream and forge ahead with new ones, that plough on whatever the cost.

I’m going to go against the grain here slightly. I have always been close to my mother and she has always known how much I love children and how, from a very young age, I looked forward to being a mother. My DH and I struggled to conceive naturally and decided to try IVF. After TTC naturally I found IVF much more straightforward as you have facts to work with instead of guessing each month and driving yourself crazy doing everything you can to boost your chances. IVF isn’t without its stresses and upset too but it is very different to TTC naturally. There can be quite a lot of scare-mongering about IVF but it isn’t necessarily as terrible as it is made out to be - I had 7 rounds (with DD from round 2) and don’t regret it at all. The point here is that OP’s daughter may be making a decision out of fear. If I had told my mother after TTC naturally that we were resigned to not having children then I would have expected her to probe me further on this. Like a friend, I would want my mother to say what she thought was best for me. I know I don’t have to do what she thinks is best. I wouldn’t have felt she would just be thinking about grandchildren as many of you are suggesting and only OP knows the relationship she has with her DD. I know how much my mother wants me to be happy and how well she knows me. I’m not suggesting the OP forces a conversation out of her DD but if she thinks her daughter might be making a decision out of fear then talking with (not to) her makes sense. There have been times when my mother has suggested things to me that I don’t want to hear but I always know she does it out of love or concern for me and even if I dismiss her concerns I will often mull it over later and sometimes her points are relevant and helpful. I just don’t think fully MYOB applies here.