Just not convinced that DD doesn’t want children

[Lilliansway]

Last year, after unsuccessfully TTC for 3 years, DD and her DH were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. It hit DD very hard indeed. She‘s an only child and has always told me that her dream is to have a big family. Since being a teenager she’d told me of a deep rooted fear/instinct she had that she couldn't have children. As a mother, I of course tried to rationalise these fears, yet sadly those fears have become a reality.

Up until now they’ve been on the waitlist for IVF, until today DD tells me that they are no longer going to have children and have decided to get a dog instead. DD says that they just don’t want children after all and will be happier and wealthier in the long run without. Hearing this was a shock, given DD’s prior wishes and I can’t help but feel that it’s a decision to protect herself from the stress/potential disappointment of IVF, as I know she can bury her head in the sand and avoid tough situations.

I don’t want to be a pushy parent but equally it would break my heart to sit by and watch DD to avoid something she really does want, only to regret it later in life when it’s far too late. They are both turning 30 this year, so they don’t have time on their side either. Would greatly appreciate some guidance on how to raise this topic sensitively with DD.

As the daughter of a mother who took very personally my decision to not have IVF and stay childless, I can tell you that she caused me a lot more pain than my infertility ever has.

Do you want to be that mother?

Don't say anything. Just don't! You don't know the true 'why' behind them saying they now don't want kids. It could be true or it could be a way to 'shut down' any type of discussion of what they've tried, what they haven't tried, what they might try to have a child. How painful that would be! Just accept that they have made this decision. Whether or not you think she might have 'regrets' isn't your business, no matter how much you love her.

I'm going to try not to say too much here, so forgive me if what follows is worded vaguely. I recently learnt something that explains why one of my married children has not had a child. It's not really through choice, there are 'circumstances'. I've never said much about children before and certainly never said 'when will you make me a granny' as I feel it's up to the couple, no pressure from 'outside sources'. But rest assured I will NEVER mention the issue of children, even teasingly, again.

Any chance it’s about money and telling you was a hint? Are you in a position to offer to pay for IVF? Agree with others that IVF is an incredibly thing to go through and could give false hope. So if her reasoning is to protect her own mental health then it may just be that she’s arrived at the right decision for her.

I strongly disagree with almost every person here.

Raise it with her. Say "Are you sure?"
At 30 she has plenty of time to conceive, but for things like egg freezing to be successful, now is the best time and in 10 years it may be a waste of time and she may wish she had more information or had thought about it more and made a different decision.

I am close to my mother and appreciate her giving the very real and clear examples to me of where she has felt regret so that I have more information making my decisions than she had when she made hers. Yes we are different people and have different situations, but I appreciate her letting me learn from her mistakes.

This is the kind of situation where I think I would really want her to say something as these are the kinds of decisions that can change your life dramatically.

Deciding whether or not to have children is a very momentous decision and she may regret in 10 years not trying every avenue available when she was 30 and stood a much greater chance of succeeding. I actually think you owe it to her to tell her your feelings and regrets in case it helps her make a decision.

I think I would appreciate it a lot if my mum did this for me.

Mind your own business and support her decision!

You support her "decision" and never question it. Allow her that last sad privacy and dignity.

It’s up to them. I certainly wouldn’t push this conversation. Be excited and supportive and then maybe in a couple years time maybe she feels ready to open up to you about the subject again. It’s clearly very difficult and painful for her and you need to respect you’ve made your decisions and now it’s her time to make hers.
You risk losing her all together if you are pushy.

I still think that would be really invasive, to question the decision made. Maybe I would understand your perspective if the OP's DD hasn't even considered IVF after being diagnosed with fertility issues, but she has been through 3 rounds already. It's not like she's ummed and ahhed over having children, she made a dedicated attempt to conceive. In that process I'm sure she's thought many times about life both with and without children and her feelings about both.

Fine to raise something completely different like freezing eggs but I think questioning not continuing with IVF would be cruel and heartless given the context.

This.

From what I hear that is the opposite of true.

Just because people 'can' conceive naturally and in their forties with IVF it does not mean that age doesn't have a very dramatic effect on fertility and the chances of success with IVF. Egg collection at 30 or 25 is much more successful than at 35 or 40.

What age you do this at makes a huge huge difference to your chances of success, from my understanding from a fertility doctor.

Absolutely none of your business. IVF and a gruelling process and can destroy relationships. If she's decided she doesn't want to deal with that, then thats up to her and her husband.

If she brings it up with you, then you can listen and support her, but don't push your desires for her onto her.

Yep. It sounds to me like she's felt an unhealthy pressure to have children since a young age.

IVF is not a walk in the park. Couples who undergo it are 3 times as likely to break up as those who consider but don’t pursue it.

She’s nearly 30. If she’d wanted your opinion on it she would have asked.

Don’t try and undermine her.

You really need to leave her alone it’s none of your business. Also ridiculous comment about their ages, you know the average first time mum is over 30 now. Questioning her will sound like you are putting the grandparent pressure on which is the last thing they need.

I feel sad for you OP. I understand PP's saying mind your own business, but I see your words coming from a place of sadness for your DD at how her life hasn't turned out how she'd hoped. And of course you'll feel sad about that for your child, as would all of us about anything our own child goes through. Just be there for her because her decision won't have come easily ❤️

This - DH cousin and wife did this - stepped off had big wedding got dog house and in background saved like mad and then did few round of IVF and did have a child.

I worried as a teen about not being able to get pg when I wanted - I had very heavy periods even in my 20s GP were fobbing me off with the pill rather than doing any investigation. I have had three children with no issues. So I think her concerns there were normal - not some foresight.

I always wanted children but if I couldn't have had them I think I could still have lived a very happy life after I'd adjusted to that reality.

So either they are taking a break and re-evaluating or they are firm and are re-adjusting - I can't image this was done lightly in either case or without going through all the options so I don't think you can add or say anything that wouldn't massively upset your DD.

As they are both 30 they do have time on their side and probably know this.

Mind your own business and start knitting her a dog blanket.

It may be a shock to you to hear her change of plan but she has most likely been thinking about the options for a long time and discussing them with her partner.

You sound over invested and you really need to back off and allow your daughter to make her own decisions. Any input now other than, "that's nice what sort of dog?" will have a negative effect.

She has loads of time to have babies if she wants to. A decade, maybe more.

It is a valid and sensible choice not to do IVF especially when infertility is unexplained and she has time on her side.

I think many people would be happier if they didn't put themselves through the emotional, physical and financial stress of IVF and instead decided to make the best of the situation they find themselves in.

We decided that there would be no fertility investigation or treatment, it would happen or it wouldn't. But we didn't want to know who had the issue or why or to put ourselves through the stress and expense for potential disappointment. We don't have children and time has realistically run out. Occasionally it feels a bit sad but in the main we're happy with our life without children.

She has loads of time on her side, I hadn't even met my husband at 30! IVF holds no guarantees, it's not like she's choosing to say no to something definite..
You would have bitterly regretted not having any children but she isn't you and already knows it's not a foregone convulsion she could have them even with IVF

It’s up to your Daughter and her partner - DS says he doesn’t want children, either.
That means no Grandchildren down the line for me , but that’s how it is.
I’d not dream of trying to sway him and his partner.

My only concern would be that if she does have a baby down the track, the dog might be cast aside.

Fortunately I had children easily but if I'd struggled I can really see the appeal of just accepting a life without children. I've seen so many couple go through years of stress and heartbreak in trying to conceive. I completely understand the mindset of just saying "Oh Sod it - let's just enjoy our lives without kids". My friends who don't have children seem to be living really happy lives which in some respects I envy (although I absolutely couldn't be without my children). I can see why your daughter has come to this conclusion. At the same time they ARE young. I had mine at 35 and 38. There's plenty of time to change their minds. Maybe they just need a break from thinking about it all the time. Maybe in a couple of years they'll be ready to try again. Or maybe they'll live their lives without children and be perfectly content and happy.

You need to keep out of it I'm afraid even though I'm sure you are coming from a place of good intentions. It really has to be a decision reached by your DD and her partner.

Perhaps she has already researched the process of IVF, which can be rather brutal and very invasive. It is very much her decision whether or not she wishes to put herself through it.

It is a decision for DD and her partner. Nobody else. If you pitch in now she is likely to see that as unwelcome pressure from you, so don't.

She is only 29. She does still have some time on her side if she should change her mind. Again that should not be a decision you should try to influence.

But she's not you. Don't push your own feelings on to her. You're not listening to her.