Hearing this was a shock, given DD’s prior wishes and I can’t help but feel that it’s a decision to protect herself from the stress/potential disappointment of IVF, as I know she can bury her head in the sand and avoid tough situations.
Of course it was a shock, but your job as her mother is to separate your feelings from hers, & step back.
I imagine that self-protection does form part of the reasons for her decision.
It may even be 100% of the reason.
So what? A tendency to react by avoiding tough situations isn't a crime, it's a sensible tactic in many situations.
The most sensible thing you can do about your response to your daughter's response is remember that she is not you. She does not think like you, does not motivate herself like you, & does not live her life like you. She may have familial traits & similarities of outlook, but - & I cannot emphasise this too strongly - SHE IS NOT YOU.
One of the hardest parenting jobs is knowing when to let go, so I feel for you, but you have to now respect her adulthood & personal agency.
I don’t want to be a pushy parent but equally it would break my heart to sit by and watch DD to avoid something she really does want, only to regret it later in life when it’s far too late. They are both turning 30 this year, so they don’t have time on their side either.
If DD has regrets, she will own them, in the same way she is now owning her decision not to pursue IVF.
Again - her regrets will not be your regrets.
Apologies for being personal, but are you sure you are not conflating your current (& understandable!) regret over her decision with an imaginary future regret you are creating on her behalf, because you are finding it difficult to separate your sense of self from DD as a separate person?
I know how hard it can be to do that, but for both your sakes, please think on that before saying something you could come to regret just as much as you regret DD's decision.
Would greatly appreciate some guidance on how to raise this topic sensitively with DD.
The stark reality can be summed up in one word: DON'T.
It is not your topic to raise.
It is not your body, not your potential baby, not your childfree future life.
In different circumstances ... you might have had a grandchild by your daughter. It's ok to regret that, to feel sorry for her (& yourself, but grieve silently & separately for that too, while she is still processing).
What you CANNOT risk is DD - whose own feelings will be a bloody maelstrom right now - imagining that you are more concerned about your lost opportunity to have a grandchild that you are about her own loss, & the no doubt complicated feelings she has about it.
I am not for one moment suggesting that you are - please be assured of that!
But in the depths of her own turmoil, that would be a very easy misinterpretation for DD to make, & neither of you need that kind of wedge driven between you, especially right now.
Deep breaths OP. You can do this. Your DD needs you to be compassionate but upbeat - not to hear anything about how you believe she is making the wrong decision. Because she isn't - she is making the right choice for herself, right now, & you need to respect it or you will risk losing her confidence in you.