Just not convinced that DD doesn’t want children

[Lilliansway]

Last year, after unsuccessfully TTC for 3 years, DD and her DH were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. It hit DD very hard indeed. She‘s an only child and has always told me that her dream is to have a big family. Since being a teenager she’d told me of a deep rooted fear/instinct she had that she couldn't have children. As a mother, I of course tried to rationalise these fears, yet sadly those fears have become a reality.

Up until now they’ve been on the waitlist for IVF, until today DD tells me that they are no longer going to have children and have decided to get a dog instead. DD says that they just don’t want children after all and will be happier and wealthier in the long run without. Hearing this was a shock, given DD’s prior wishes and I can’t help but feel that it’s a decision to protect herself from the stress/potential disappointment of IVF, as I know she can bury her head in the sand and avoid tough situations.

I don’t want to be a pushy parent but equally it would break my heart to sit by and watch DD to avoid something she really does want, only to regret it later in life when it’s far too late. They are both turning 30 this year, so they don’t have time on their side either. Would greatly appreciate some guidance on how to raise this topic sensitively with DD.

They aren't saying they don't want children, children are awful, it's a stupid idea. It was good to try.

They are saying, given our particular difficulties we have decided to follow the equally valid choice of not continuing to try for children and making the most of that life.

Or possibly we just don't want our TTC to be everyone's business, we are getting on with life regardless of whether a surprise happens or not.

IVF is grim, expensive and uncertain. Don't blame someone for not putting herself through it.

This is absolutely nothing to do with you, OP. I can't tell you how much your post makes me both angry & upset.
Please respect their choices as adults and don't even mention it to them.
I can say - from experience - that it's horrible to get this kind of patronising pressure from a parent.
It is not your daughter's role in life to provide you with a grandchild.
Her decision is hers alone, and it's perfectly fine to be childfree.

I am hearing your feedback, but I wish to clarify this isn’t about me at all. Of course I would love to have a grandchild but I put DD’s wants and needs far above my own. My only concern is that I don’t want her to live with regret. I regret only having one child myself, so I’m certain I’d have bitterly regretted not having any children had I have chosen that.

Is this really about your dd and what's right for her, or is it about your own wish to have grandchildren?

Honestly, she will have thought long and hard about this decision. She doesn't need your interference, even if it is dressed up as tender concern. If she realises later that she has made a mistake, she will still have plenty of time to rectify this... she isn't even 30 yet!

In the nicest possible way, you need to butt out and respect your adult dd's wishes.

I agree that you should not say anything and just work on accepting that is the situation. I think your daughter may well be protecting you from how much of a toll this has taken on her and this is her way of being able to articulate how she feels. It’s not easy to discuss something that is so heartfelt and so we talk around the subject instead.

Please do not suggest fostering or adoption as alternatives, that’s rather a naive and uninformed thing to say.

I think if you did raise it your daughter would be hesitant to share things with you in the future. If you are coming from a place of love and support, just let her lead the conversation about the issue, and be ready to listen to what she says. It’s not a situation that you can decide or fix for her.

You sound a little bit like my mother. I don’t have children and have never discussed the reason why with anyone other than my husband. I’ve told my mother, honestly, that I’m happy to not have them.

She just can’t keep her beak out.

I’ve become very good at shutting down her questions. I find “that’s a very personal question, Mum, it’s not something I want to get into” works quite well.

I hope your daughter learns to deal with any intrusions of hay you may be tempted to make.

But you are not her. Without knowing either of you, is it possible that some of her desire 'to have a massive family' comes from your own regret that you didn't have more, and that a huge family is something to aim for?

Quite apart from the gruelling reality of IVF, the infertility itself has probably led to some deep and painful conversations with her DH about their marriage if it doesn't lead to children. I think without having been privy to those conversations, you have to respect the decisions she's reached.

I feel like this is more about you than her.

It's you that has a problem not DD.
DD doesn't have a problem currently.
She's told you her position.
Let them make their own minds up and come to their own conclusions.
I'd leave it well alone and don't be pressuring her.

Accept that no matter how much IVF she may have or never have, circumstances might dictate that she might never produce a grandchild for you.

Take some time to understand that and grieve that if that's what you need to do.

Go on instagram and search the hashtags #childfreeafterinfertility or #childfreenotbychoice and you will see the hundreds of thousands of incredible women who - rather than wallow in sadness - embrace the benefits of being childfree, even if they didn't start off wanting it.

They don't want IVF. That is their choice. It is expensive, invasive and - contrary to what all the miracle baby stories tell you - not a reliable plan B. She's an absolute inspiration to be taking back control. Applaud her, support her and let her and her DH do what THEY need to do.

Please, PLEASE don't pity her or push her somewhere she doesn't want to go. Let nature decide.

I think you should stay out of it.

She has probably discussed it in detail and at great length with her husband and they have come to a decision that having children is not really important to them, or at least not important enough to justify the stress of IVF treatment for no guaranteed result. If she wanted your input, she would have asked for it.

She isn't you.

What information can you give dd that will be helpful?

It must have been a really hard decsion and i expect they researched thoroughly and considered carefully and made this choice.

It is their choice and you have to leave it at that. Dd may change her mind, she may regret not trying. Maybe for her not trying the IVF is less disappointing than trying and being unsuccessful. She has to do what is best for her.

Tell her "a dog, how lovely!" And start bonding with her over the new furry member of the family.

I didn't tell my parents or in laws I was doing IVF at 40+. Didn't want to get anyone's hopes up and couldn't face the constant questions. This may mot be what your DD is doing, though. Really best to not ask any questions about fertility.

She is already living with regret. We all do. You can't protect your DC from everything in life.

Have you told her about you wanting more children? Because I wonder if her script about having a big family was influenced by that and she is starting to find her own feeling and not just follow your lead.

Regardless, you can't save her from sadness, just be there for her.

Anyhow, I’ll also add that someone I know had multiple goes at IVF, all failed. She and her husband decided to stop trying and enjoy the freedom of being childless. Within 3 years she’d gotten pregnant twice. Now mother to two DSs. And she was considerably older than your DD. So let her be and who knows what will happen.

I thought this too. They may think it'll be less stressful if they don't have people asking how it's going and having to tell people if it fails. Either way best to leave it

I understand your concern OP but I think bringing this up for her might actually cause more upset than it's worth. She's obviously spoken to her husband and made a decision and I think the best thing you can do is support her through it. IVF sounds horrendously draining and no guarantee anyway. She's an adult and can make her own choices.

'I can say - from experience - that it's horrible to get this kind of patronising pressure from a parent.
It is not your daughter's role in life to provide you with a grandchild.
Her decision is hers alone, and it's perfectly fine to be childfree.'

Well said

It's unanimous OP - stay out of it. You are entitled to your own feelings but please offload them far away from your DD. Maybe she is trying to protect herself, and to avoid disappointment, or maybe she honestly just can't face IVF and all it involves. Maybe they actually don't want a baby badly enough to put themselves through that. Babies are not the be all and end all, not for everyone

There can be great peace to be found in just deciding 'enough', and I admire her greatly for making that decision

DD and her DH were diagnosed with unexplained infertility

Unexplained infertility is not a diagnosis. It is a lack of one. There is always, always a reason for it. And the NHS will not (always) be up for finding out what it is.

It may be structural, such as blocked tubes. It may be hormonal, such as immune response, blood clotting problems. It may be sperm defragmentation. It may be endometriosis. It may be adhesions. It may be poor egg quality. It may be the uterine environment/flora.

It is not, ever, unexplained.

According to the NHS, the success rates for IVF are: 32% for women under 35. 25% for women aged 35 to 37. 19% for women aged 38 to 39. Fertility and egg quality declines with age hence these stats.

Your Dd and her DP are 30 so they have a couple of years to decide if they want to go through the mental and physical exhaustion that comes with IVF.

That’s you, though. You are not her.

And stating that ‘time isn’t on their side’ about people in their 20’s is just mad.

So they tried for 3 years, have a diagnosis of unexplained fertility, it hit your DD very hard, and they went on a waiting list for IVF?

That's a lot for them to bear.

They're only on the cusp of 30... they have time to think about what IVF stresses they can endure and how much they'd want to.

Now you think it's going to help if you take her aside to let her know know that she'll have regrets if she stops trying to conceive? Really? That's your helpful contribution to what they're facing?

You need to back off and leave them to decide. Don't add to their concerns.

I understand you want what’s best for your daughter, but I really think you are at risk of harming your relationship if you push this, however gently. As an only child myself, I’d be so anxious about how my parents would feel at the prospect of no grandchildren. If I’d had to make the same difficult decision your daughter has, the only response I would have wanted would be for my mum to say she completely supports whatever decision me and dh have made. She’s got ages to change her mind if she wants to. At the moment she just needs her mum to trust her. And show some serious love for the dog before/ after it arrives!