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Original poster

Codependent friendship - and I'm the problem

180 replies

cadburyegg · 30/01/2023 11:14

My mental health is really dire right now and I have unintentionally offloaded a lot onto a friend of mine, who happens to be living with me atm.

For background in the last 2 years I have separated from my husband, I'm now a single parent, of 2 young kids, my dad also died. I am on a high dose of ADs. I am on the waiting list for therapy. I try to go on walks most days. I am working, I have other friends who I see regularly.

Anyway my friend has now said that she's at her limit, she's not my therapist, etc. you get the gist.
This is my fault entirely and of course the fact we live together means she gets no "let up" from me.
I want to take responsibility and fix things . I don't want to be a burden on people but I feel like that's what I am in danger of becoming. I want to be a better friend again. I just don't know how to find the strength because I am so sad all of the time. I don't know what else I can do to help myself mentally.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 30/01/2023 11:23

You have listened to her. That is a great start. Remember that she is a separate person to you and has her own needs, ideas and desires outside of you and everything going on in your universe. I would think twice before calling her and unloading. That’s not fair on her. Start to put yourself in her shoes and imagine that you have been on the receiving end of the kind of phone calls she’s been getting from you for months on end. Now start investing time into being HER friend. Start by showing gratitude, compassion, interest and investing time and focus into what is going on in HER world. Ask her questions about what’s affecting her. What’s good, what’s bad, what makes her happy, how her family is, how her circle of friends are, how things at work are, etc. Write it down and remember it. Ask her how things are progressing with these things again, and she will know that you are invested in your friendship with HER and it’s not just a one way street.

Effingfamilies · 30/01/2023 11:26

If she is living with you then I suggest she moves out if your troubles are bothering her to this degree.

Quitelikeit · 30/01/2023 11:31

I think you ought to apologise.

I assume she is living with you out of necessity rather than choice?

Its not healthy for you to focus on your MH 24/7 either - this means that you are not getting enough external help to deal with your issues

ReamsOfCheese · 30/01/2023 11:33

Is she staying with you for free because she needed a place and you let her stay at yours? If so I think she's being really ungrateful and uncaring to not want to know what's going on with you while still taking your hospitality. If, on the other hand, she's your flatmate and you split the rent, bills etc, then maybe it's time for her or you to find a new place as it sounds like you need more from this arrangement than she can give.

Naameechangee · 30/01/2023 11:52

She might have her own issues, and can't deal with how negative things are with your situation as well. I have been a friend to someone who was in a really bad place, it went on and on and on and she kept checking herself back out of hospital and never accepted the help offered to her. In the end I had to call it a day to protect myself, it really sent me over the edge.

Naameechangee · 30/01/2023 11:54

If she stays living with you maybe agree boundaries, be both open and honest with each other. Or alternatively she moves out because its not working out.

custardbear · 30/01/2023 11:59

Effingfamilies · 30/01/2023 11:26

If she is living with you then I suggest she moves out if your troubles are bothering her to this degree.

This but also it sounds like you need professional help, or more help if you're already getting some. Do you work and have a counselling support available to you? It is really hard when multiple things go wrong at one time, it can be all consuming but it won't be forever

CombatBarbie · 30/01/2023 12:06

What's the living arrangements? Does she live with you or you live with her.

When we're comfortable with someone we offload more than we think. You've taken on board what she's said, now it's making a mental effort not to offload onto her. Your life will get better, it won't be forever.

Slowingdownagain · 30/01/2023 12:09

It sounds like you've been through a tough time. Sorry about that.

It also sounds like you recognise you've done wrong.

What I would do: start by apologising. Then find somewhere else to offload, e.g. a therapist. Then tell your friend that you are making a conscious effort to be a better friend and that while it might take time you hope you can get there. You ask her to let you know if you ever get too much, as your selfawareness isn't great atm.

lowclouds · 30/01/2023 12:12

Well you have great insight into your own emotions and impact of your behaviour. You sound like a good mate to me as you obviously care about your friend's experience of living with you.

I think I would apologise and maybe talk to your friend about how you can give her a bit more space? Thank her for her presence in your life etc. and tell her you don't want to be a burden, and maybe you should go your separate ways with your living situation when you can financially manage it.

I don't think you are as awful as you seem to think you are - give yourself a break, you are doing your best.

ShakespearesBlister · 30/01/2023 12:22

I would agree I think she needs to move out. I know it's not your fault but having been in this situation it can get exhausting and spell the end for friendships. I've had a friend endlessly offload on me and it reached a point where I just couldn't do it anymore and blocked her until she got help and got better. The thing is I also recognise being that way myself when I was very young so can see how these things happen and the fact you are able to have some insight yourself actually puts you in quite a good position to sustain this friendship because you recognise the pattern. It's going to be difficult not offloading some stuff but recognising when it's happening is halfway to resolving it. Are you able to get involved in any group things? Go onto the open university website and look for free courses you can do because you might find things there you can learn new coping strategies from so that you're not looking to your friend as a crutch. What sort of things are you offloading? Are there any other ways you can offload that without putting it on one person? Co dependence usually stems from emotional needs not being met elsewhere. See if you can find what's lacking and fill that gap in other ways.

harrassedmumto3 · 30/01/2023 12:35

For all we know, the OP could have asked the friend to move in for moral support!

bumpertobumper · 30/01/2023 12:38

When you say you're on the waiting list for therapy I assume you mean for nhs. This can take a while and is often short term when it comes.
There are many charities and community organisations which provide low cost long term therapy with no or short waiting lists.

Look up your area and the phrase 'low cost counselling' and see what comes up.

For your own sense of self and well being, as well as hers, it is good to become more resilient and self reliant. It sounds like this situation has put you a step along that path.

A lot of people find journaling/morning pages very useful and a cathartic way to off load thoughts - might be worth a try.

Wishing you well OP Flowers

Seaweed42 · 30/01/2023 12:48

"This is my fault entirely"
Nope. It isn't. It just isn't entirely your fault.

She's an adult who has choices about what she says and where she lives.

Why is she staying in your house? Is she paying rent.
How is she benefiting from the arrangement?
It's hard to advise without knowing the set-up.

Could this be about 'roles'.
If she is a bit bossy, strong-minded and controlling that may make some part of you feel safe and secure.
But the other side of that is that it is keeping you 'small'.

You seem to have an inkling that there is some troublesome dynamic that is getting exposed as time goes on.

Original poster
cadburyegg · 30/01/2023 13:39

yes I have apologised, she says she wants changed behaviour rather than an apology because it doesn't mean anything (fair enough)

She lives with me, it's my house (mortgaged) she doesn't pay rent due to several factors I won't go to as outing, but does make a contribution towards food.
Reason I asked for advice is that it's difficult for me to put a brave face on and not cry etc when I'm feeling so rubbish, whilst in my own home, I already mask a lot when I'm with the kids.

Interesting about the comment re dependency, she is quite dependent on me for above reasons. I have wondered if there is a bit of an unhealthy dynamic tbh.

Thank you for your comments so far., I will have a proper read later when I'm back home.

OP posts:
ItsNotReallyChaos · 30/01/2023 13:43

You shouldn’t be housing a friend for free for anything more than a very short-term favour.

Regarding your original question, I realised a was leaning on a particular friend too much and decided to see a therapist to offload to them instead.

OriginalUsername2 · 30/01/2023 13:47

cadburyegg · 30/01/2023 11:14

My mental health is really dire right now and I have unintentionally offloaded a lot onto a friend of mine, who happens to be living with me atm.

For background in the last 2 years I have separated from my husband, I'm now a single parent, of 2 young kids, my dad also died. I am on a high dose of ADs. I am on the waiting list for therapy. I try to go on walks most days. I am working, I have other friends who I see regularly.

Anyway my friend has now said that she's at her limit, she's not my therapist, etc. you get the gist.
This is my fault entirely and of course the fact we live together means she gets no "let up" from me.
I want to take responsibility and fix things . I don't want to be a burden on people but I feel like that's what I am in danger of becoming. I want to be a better friend again. I just don't know how to find the strength because I am so sad all of the time. I don't know what else I can do to help myself mentally.

Can you buy her some flowers and treat her to a takeaway? I would do that and apologise and make an effort to talk about other things, such as her and her life.

A lot of people will not take feedback as well as you have. Give yourself some credit.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/01/2023 14:03

OriginalUsername2 · 30/01/2023 13:47

Can you buy her some flowers and treat her to a takeaway? I would do that and apologise and make an effort to talk about other things, such as her and her life.

A lot of people will not take feedback as well as you have. Give yourself some credit.

Show quote history

The op treats her with a free place to live. I think that's enough.

Sparklingblah · 30/01/2023 14:07

A thing you can do to offload ‘to yourself’ is write it all down. Even if you just do it via voice dictation into your notes function on your phone.

You are going ‘on and on’ because you are stuck in a place where you are trying to process a huge amount of information and change and emotion without having a professional to help you do that. Writing can’t replace that, but while you wait for therapy or save for it, writing stuff down can be profoundly therapeutic and transformative.

I feel for you, a tough spot.

OriginalUsername2 · 30/01/2023 14:08

Aquamarine1029 · 30/01/2023 14:03

The op treats her with a free place to live. I think that's enough.

Show quote history

So I see. That does change the dynamics.

Having read the update, I would ask the friend to move out!

DaveyJonesLocker · 30/01/2023 14:13

Yeah she needs to move out.

beachcitygirl · 30/01/2023 14:38

Sorry
Op you need to feel safe &
Able to be your true self in your own home.
She NEEDS to move out.

I would be kind but firm when asking her to leave. Eg

Hello "friend"
I have heard uou and I agree. I value the friendship and don't want to further damage it but I do need to heal & the best place to do that is in my own home. I've been leaning on you unfairly as you're here. That's a problem & the solution is you to move out & our tunes together to be about fun & kindnesses. Let's say 4 weeks from today

Honeyroar · 30/01/2023 14:52

beachcitygirl · 30/01/2023 14:38

Sorry
Op you need to feel safe &
Able to be your true self in your own home.
She NEEDS to move out.

I would be kind but firm when asking her to leave. Eg

Hello "friend"
I have heard uou and I agree. I value the friendship and don't want to further damage it but I do need to heal & the best place to do that is in my own home. I've been leaning on you unfairly as you're here. That's a problem & the solution is you to move out & our tunes together to be about fun & kindnesses. Let's say 4 weeks from today

Something along these lines should work.

You might be going on a bit, but she’s being a bit harsh and forgetting how much you’re helping her..

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/01/2023 14:57

Your friend needs to move out and live independently - this in itself will resolve most of the problem, by giving you both space.

MsMarch · 30/01/2023 15:02

I see both sides here. Of course she doesn't want to be your emotional safety blanket and I don't blame her for that at all.

BUT... this is YOUR home and she is not a housemate but a guest as she's not paying. And yes, you don't have to hide in your own home.

It also comes down to HOW you have been leaning on her. Do you insist that she stays home/stays in the communal areas so you can offload and cry on her shoulder? Or is she complaining becuase you are miserable and she is (understandably) affected by your unhappiness when you're making and eating dinner or watching TV or whatever?

If the former, yes, you should change your behaviour for both your sake and hers. If the latter, I'm afraid I lose sympathy with her as it's YOUR home.