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Original poster

Codependent friendship - and I'm the problem

180 replies

cadburyegg · 30/01/2023 11:14

My mental health is really dire right now and I have unintentionally offloaded a lot onto a friend of mine, who happens to be living with me atm.

For background in the last 2 years I have separated from my husband, I'm now a single parent, of 2 young kids, my dad also died. I am on a high dose of ADs. I am on the waiting list for therapy. I try to go on walks most days. I am working, I have other friends who I see regularly.

Anyway my friend has now said that she's at her limit, she's not my therapist, etc. you get the gist.
This is my fault entirely and of course the fact we live together means she gets no "let up" from me.
I want to take responsibility and fix things . I don't want to be a burden on people but I feel like that's what I am in danger of becoming. I want to be a better friend again. I just don't know how to find the strength because I am so sad all of the time. I don't know what else I can do to help myself mentally.

OP posts:
furryfrontbottom · 23/03/2023 14:28

Whose house is it? Is your ex-friend on the tenancy or the deeds? If not, she has no legal right to be there if you don't want her there. Put her stuff outside and change the locks.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 23/03/2023 14:29

She needs to move out , you need to keep focusing on getting well but remember that you don’t need to tell people how you are feeling all the time.
i work in mh/ dementia care and people constantly telling you their illnesses and problems has an impact on our lives too .

watcherintherye · 23/03/2023 14:36

i work in mh/ dementia care and people constantly telling you their illnesses and problems has an impact on our lives too.

Well if they can’t offload to people whose job it is to care for them, who can they tell?

Beautiful3 · 23/03/2023 14:40

I've read all of your updates and I strongly agree that she needs to move out. She's not treating you well, considering she lives with you rent free. I'd actually ask her to move out in 6 weeks. That gives plenty of time. I don't know how you're going to live with her for longer, considering she's ended the friendship?

Passerillage · 23/03/2023 14:45

Oh goodness, you've been through a LOT and this woman has absolutely confused you and twisted things around so that you feel you have some sort of weird obligation to house her.

You absolutely don't. Every day she stays is detrimental to your mental health, and you and especially your children NEED to you to be there for them, not crying all the time and hiding in your bedroom. It's YOUR home, your territory.

I know you feel like you have a responsibility to her, but honestly you don't. She is being a massive bitch to you and is undoubtedly contributing to your bad mental health. I think that the last day of March should be her last day under your roof. If she has so many intellectually stimulating friends who love being around her, then she can pack up her shit and go and stay with them and their lofty conversation about the finer points of Ukrainian anarcho-feminist literature.

One week. Then OUT. And you get your life back.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 23/03/2023 14:53

As someone wise said upthread, this is a weapons grade bitch. Your mental health will improve no end if you get her out. She's using you - what a spiteful cow after all you've been through and you still sacrificed your own home and peace of mind to help her. Please ask the counsellor for support on telling this freeloader to leave. If I was your mum I'd be round there chucking her stuff out of top floor windows.

Newestname002 · 23/03/2023 14:59

@cadburyegg

She also admitted the other night, that she doesn't find our friendship intellectually stimulating enough, and we can't talk about enough deep stuff.

Charming. So you have this woman as a long term, rent free guest and she disses you like this? Do you not feel disrespected by her - especially as she's unfriended you?

You are giving her too much and will be so uncomfortable in your own home if she's still there until the summer. In fact why would she move - after all you (someone who's no longer a friend) are allowing her rent free access to your home and the place you should be most yourself in. I agree with others - give her an actual date no more than two or three weeks ahead so she can find accommodation with someone more on her intellectual level. Reclaim your safe space. 🌹

OnaBegonia · 23/03/2023 15:07

For someone claiming to be intellectual she a bit dim is she not?
Insulting the person she's scrounging a rent free home from?
I'd give her 7 days to leave and change the locks asap.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 23/03/2023 15:10

Just makes me wonder how she's treating your kids if she's like this with you OP? How old are they? Are they having to sit in their bedrooms frightened to come out too?

ChristmasSirens · 23/03/2023 15:14

Idontgiveashitanymore · 23/03/2023 14:29

She needs to move out , you need to keep focusing on getting well but remember that you don’t need to tell people how you are feeling all the time.
i work in mh/ dementia care and people constantly telling you their illnesses and problems has an impact on our lives too .

This comment, coupled with your username suggests to name you might want to take some time out or look for a new job. Compassion fatigue is real and highly destructive. Please don’t say this to people you are meant to care for, discuss it with your line manager/supervisor or occupational health.

ChristmasSirens · 23/03/2023 15:15

@cadburyegg -contrary to your post title, no you are not the problem.

Be kinder to yourself.

coffeeisthebest · 23/03/2023 15:19

It's the dynamic between you both OP, neither one are entirely to blame. So now you have seen it you need to make choices as to how to change this as does she. Good luck

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 23/03/2023 15:21

If I was your mum I'd be round there chucking her stuff out of top floor windows.

Yup.
I wish a Mumsnet Posse could rock up & tell this abusive shit of a woman to fuck right off.
The more OP updates, the more it sounds like a coercively controlling relationship.

OP - you are not to bother yourself about either her opinion of you or where she goes next. She can book into a Travelodge or cheap B&B if she's got no other friends to leech off & abuse.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 23/03/2023 15:24

coffeeisthebest · 23/03/2023 15:19

It's the dynamic between you both OP, neither one are entirely to blame. So now you have seen it you need to make choices as to how to change this as does she. Good luck

You might benefit from reading OP's updates.

Her 'friend' is an abusive bully of epic proportions.
So much so that OP hides from her in her bedroom. In her own home.

Divorcedalongtime · 23/03/2023 15:24

Get actual therapy.

drpet49 · 23/03/2023 15:25

Tell her to move out. She is a freeloader anyway not paying rent. You are entitled to cry in your own home for goodness sake.

GoldenCupidon · 23/03/2023 15:26

This woman is affecting your mental health far more negatively than you’ve realised. Legally she has no right to be there at all and you could turf her out tonight. Personally I think asking her to get out asap and definitely by the end of the week is fair. She’s not a kind person OP so please disregard anything she’s said to you. Speak to a kinder friend or sister type about what’s happening.

Opaljewel · 23/03/2023 15:29

Have you put yourself on a waiting list for therapy?

Until then I would recommend journalling, youtube and podcast talks on whatever is ailing you. Joining a sypport group online of the same calibre. Read up on articles and it's good you're getting out walking and getting fresh air.

It sounds like You need to a safe space to let out all of your feelings. Your friend isn't it I am afraid.
It's awful to struggle on your own. Otherwise like I say there are groups online for this specific thing. Google them or search on facebook. Good luck to you.

Sortyourlifeout · 23/03/2023 15:34

cadburyegg · 23/03/2023 13:05

To answer a few questions - I have not and am not intending to move out.

I agree that until the summer holidays is a long time. I wanted to be as reasonable as possible, and in her defense she did say that I have been more than reasonable. Of course, when I said that to her, I had no idea she was about to end the friendship. I will reconsider the timeframe. I just don't want to give her any more ammo for her to think I am unreasonable.

Another long-standing issue I've had since she moved in (and I apologise for the massive drip feed, but of course I didn't know when i started the thread that this would be the eventual outcome) - is that she is very critical of me, and picks holes in everything, and often makes me feel very stupid. She also admitted the other night, that she doesn't find our friendship intellectually stimulating enough, and we can't talk about enough deep stuff. Which explains the critical comments from her I guess.

I have never pretended to be anyone other than who I am. I have friends of various intelligence levels and I get different things out of each friendship. It never occurred to me to end a friendship with someone partly because we are not on the same "intellectual level". But anyway, she is entitled to end a friendship for whatever reasons she sees fit, as a pp mentioned above. It just surprises me, that's all. I just accept my friends for who they are.

She doesn't fully appreciate that her living with me is a massive compromise on her part, because she is so used to living in houseshares with people she doesn't know well, so for her, it's no different. I agreed with her that I became emotionally dependent on her, but I also pointed out that she had become physically codependent on me. She had no idea what I was talking about!

That drama triangle is useful - I will look.

Thank you all for the support.

BTW, as a side point, I have started counselling.

I'm sorry. But WHAT?!

I would suggest that you ask her to leave by the end of the weekend.

She's not a friend to you. I'm sorry if that upsets you but the sooner you realise this, the sooner you will be able to move on.

She's a nasty, manipulative, grabby cow and you need her out of your life.

How dare ANYONE look down their nose at you, let alone someone who you took into your house FOR FREE.

This has pissed me right off (and triggered me a bit, cos I had someone do exactly the same! I felt MUCH better when she was out of my life, I can assure you!).

Just tell her to leave. You owe her nothing.

coffeeisthebest · 23/03/2023 15:34

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 23/03/2023 15:24

You might benefit from reading OP's updates.

Her 'friend' is an abusive bully of epic proportions.
So much so that OP hides from her in her bedroom. In her own home.

Show quote history

Oh ok

Sortyourlifeout · 23/03/2023 15:37

coffeeisthebest · 23/03/2023 15:19

It's the dynamic between you both OP, neither one are entirely to blame. So now you have seen it you need to make choices as to how to change this as does she. Good luck

To the contrary. The freeloader is ENTIRELY to blame.

I suggest you read the latest updates from OP.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 23/03/2023 15:40

Why is she still in your house?

Next time she leaves, you need to change the locks and put her stuff in bin bags.

Original poster
cadburyegg · 23/03/2023 15:41

I really hope I haven't given the wrong impression of her. She HAS helped me with some things, like my kids' behaviour, with my separation etc. I realise you are all only seeing it from my POV. If she was to post on here she'd say that she is the one that has made all of the effort in our friendship and put her needs aside for mine.

But I do feel a bit controlled in my own home, I do admit.

OP posts:
Sortyourlifeout · 23/03/2023 15:44

cadburyegg · 23/03/2023 15:41

I really hope I haven't given the wrong impression of her. She HAS helped me with some things, like my kids' behaviour, with my separation etc. I realise you are all only seeing it from my POV. If she was to post on here she'd say that she is the one that has made all of the effort in our friendship and put her needs aside for mine.

But I do feel a bit controlled in my own home, I do admit.

Listen.

THIS. IS. NOT. YOUR. FAULT.

SHE IS AN ABUSIVE TWAT AND YOU NEED HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

I wish I could come and a) give you a massive hug and b) kick her out on your behalf.

Abusers often make sure that victims know 'how much they have done for them in the past.'

Pippylongstock · 23/03/2023 15:45

I know it 100% won’t feel like this at the moment, but I think in the long run this will give you insights into what you do and don’t want out of a friendship and start to put boundaries into place. She sounds quite narcissistic and very quick to criticise you. It sounds like you have been through and incredibly tough time. If you can afford to, continue with the counselling/therapy. I’m sorry you are facing this and hopefully she will move out soon.