Codependent friendship - and I'm the problem

[cadburyegg]

My mental health is really dire right now and I have unintentionally offloaded a lot onto a friend of mine, who happens to be living with me atm.

For background in the last 2 years I have separated from my husband, I'm now a single parent, of 2 young kids, my dad also died. I am on a high dose of ADs. I am on the waiting list for therapy. I try to go on walks most days. I am working, I have other friends who I see regularly.

Anyway my friend has now said that she's at her limit, she's not my therapist, etc. you get the gist.
This is my fault entirely and of course the fact we live together means she gets no "let up" from me.
I want to take responsibility and fix things . I don't want to be a burden on people but I feel like that's what I am in danger of becoming. I want to be a better friend again. I just don't know how to find the strength because I am so sad all of the time. I don't know what else I can do to help myself mentally.

Many years ago I flatsharedu with a woman in what I now recognise was an emotionally abusive relationship. At the time, i just thought he was a twat and she was an idiot for putting up with it.

Eventually, the endless trauma and discussions and the conversations that were the same all the time just got too much for me.

I moved out.

Your friend should move out if your unhappiness, in your own home, is too much for her.

You might have been emotionally dependent on her but she seems to be completely financially dependent on you! Is this additional person to house something you need at this juncture? How can you focus on your kids who’ve also had a big upheaval and your own healing with someone else under your roof?

You don’t owe her a free house OP.

This living arrangement sounds very unhealthy. She needs to make plans to move out.

I cannot imagine why she lives rent free-la la land! I'd ask her to leave and get in a paying lodger.

This op....is bang on.

You seem to be doing all that you can't the moment. You don't need to take responsibility (financial) of anyone in my opinion. Counseling waiting list is really long and they have a lot of backlog so if possible see you can find other options for the same. My work offers like a couple of sessions of counselling which helped me when I needed it the most.

You have apologized and to be honest your friends response feels like she is milking the situation. The dynamic doesn't sound quite healthy to me . So try and get out of this accomodating her for free situation. I really wish you well op.

Start by helping her ; she needs to leave. When she moves on you may feel much better on your own.

Sounds like the situation is made much worse by her living with you.

I think she’s got a right cheek demanding to see changed behaviour while living with you rent free! I’d be telling her to get a move on

If you’ve got a spare room could you rent it out to a lodger and use the money on private therapy or something else that would help to improve your MH?

yes I have apologised, she says she wants changed behaviour rather than an apology because it doesn't mean anything (fair enough)

Cheeky melt! Who is she to demand terms when she's living rent - and presumably bills / Council Tax free?

Here's a changed behaviour for her - tell her to get a place of her own and move out.

How about she pays you rent and you use the money to access private therapy?

It sounds to me as if you're both rendered unhappy by this house share -- you because you're continually trying to mask in your home to another adult as well as your children, when that should be somewhere where, to an extent, you should be able to be yourself and let your guard down, and your friend because she can't cope with your mental state, and is presumably also conflicted because she's financially dependent on you.

It's clearly best for you both if the arrangement ends. A pp suggested a kind but honest message.

Best wishes, OP. I think having your living space to yourself will help your MH.

I'd ask (tell...) her to move out.

I'd also find yourself come other way to get support - low cost counselling does exist and will be more helpful and appropriate.

If you must keep her around (I'm sure you'll let us know the reason shortly that you couldn't possibly tell her to move out) then charge her rent and use it to pay a therapist.

Thank God for this sensible post (the previous ones saying to apologise were 😳)

Whatever the dynamic is, she's living for free with you & needs to move out.

The way I read this is that she’s living with you for free apart from a contribution to food, but pissed of that you’re sad?? She needs to move out.

To me it’s swings and roundabouts you have helped her, she needs to help you by listening every so often

id she can’t do that then ok she cant

but i would be getting her to find somewhere to live

thank you for all your comments. It's been awhile but I have digested all of them. I am going to speak to my friend soon. I just found out today that she has removed me as a friend from her Facebook friends list. I know it sounds a very silly thing to be upset about but I just feel so sad. I've been struggling with how I feel since the argument so I have just been in my bedroom most evenings. Feels very wrong

Based on your updates op I’d definitely be asking her to move out. She’s obviously no friend and she doesn’t need to be sponging off you if she can’t provide a bit of support in return. With the money you’ll be saving you might be able to stretch to some counselling.

So - an update.

I asked her to move out and gave her until the summer holidays to find somewhere else. She has ended the friendship, not because of what I said, but because she'd had enough of me leaning on her, even though I haven't done so since we had that conversation.
I've now got to live with a non-friend until she leaves, which is never what I wanted. I don't want a lodger. It's not even about the money.
I invited her to stay because she was in a tough spot, I feel like it's completely backfired in my face.
I have made mistakes - I admit that.

Give her 2 weeks to get out. You owe her nothing more.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I’m glad she is leaving but the summer holidays (4 months) is a long time to live with someone who has decided she doesn’t want to continue the friendship. You are going through enough without sharing your home with someone who decided she’s had enough. I’d be cutting short the time you’re giving her. I think a month is enough. If she can’t find somewhere to rent in that tune then she can ask another friend to let her stay. Your responsibility is to yourself right now,

You don’t have to live with this non-friend. Tell her to go. She’s a guest, not even a lister paying you anything. You owe her nothing.

Tell her it’s not going to work her staying until the end of summer and she needs to be gone in two weeks.

it’s fine for her to end a friendship that is no longer working for her it’s not fine to accept free living accommodation from you anymore

I'd tell her that for both your sakes she needs to leave way sooner than the summer. She is no longer a friend so you have absolutely nothing to lose. You went into this with good intentions. It didn't work out. (You won't be the first friends to fall out after living together - or the last.) At least you will be free of her soon. Sending best wishes.

When I went through an horrendous divorce I unloaded it all onto my neighbour who was my best friend. I did some worrying stuff which simply wasn't fair.
I didn't realise the effect it was all having on her until a mutual acquaintance told me. She had confided in him about the situation.
As soon as I realised I apologised and stopped. I think that's all you have to do. As awful as our own problems are there's a limit to sharing and burdening others, especially like your friend who is a captive audience. I hope things improve for you.

FFS! (facebook twattery)

I would take anything your "friend" tells you about yourself with a very large pinch of salt. I suspect she resents being dependent on you & has launched a personal attack in order to rebalance a power dynamic in her favour.

I asked her to move out and gave her until the summer holidays to find somewhere else. She has ended the friendship, not because of what I said, but because she'd had enough of me leaning on her, even though I haven't done so since we had that conversation.
I've now got to live with a non-friend until she leaves

No you haven't.
"I've miscalculated & it won't be possible for you to stay until summer. I need you to move out by April 8th"

There is no way you should inflict a twat like this on yourself, at the expense of your mental health, let alone your finances. She doesn't get to keep using you for another several months after treating you so badly.

Even if you DID overload her (we only have HER word for it & you seem - please forgive me - the self-flagellating type who accepts blame too readily) there were kinder ways of going about addressing that. She has been a weapons-grade bitch to you. Get rid of her asap.