Codependent friendship - and I'm the problem

[cadburyegg]

My mental health is really dire right now and I have unintentionally offloaded a lot onto a friend of mine, who happens to be living with me atm.

For background in the last 2 years I have separated from my husband, I'm now a single parent, of 2 young kids, my dad also died. I am on a high dose of ADs. I am on the waiting list for therapy. I try to go on walks most days. I am working, I have other friends who I see regularly.

Anyway my friend has now said that she's at her limit, she's not my therapist, etc. you get the gist.
This is my fault entirely and of course the fact we live together means she gets no "let up" from me.
I want to take responsibility and fix things . I don't want to be a burden on people but I feel like that's what I am in danger of becoming. I want to be a better friend again. I just don't know how to find the strength because I am so sad all of the time. I don't know what else I can do to help myself mentally.

You need her to leave by the end of the month.

So here we are a few months on and she still hasn't left.

I told her a few weeks ago that I need her to leave by the end of July at the latest.

We aren't on speaking terms anymore but I don't think she has left the house since then so she can't have been viewing any properties.

I know I need to speak to her AGAIN and reiterate that I need her to go. CAB sent me some links on how she can contact the council for homelessness help if required. I just wish I hadn't been put in this position in the first place, it's horrible. I would have much rather her leave of her own accord

Oh ffs, OP, give her one week to get out. She's living with you rent free and you say she's paying for some food. What about bills? She's not talking to you and doesn't even see herself as a friend.

Send her a message saying by next Wednesday you want her to be gone. Expect an argument. Remind her you told her several months ago. She will have to get herself sorted out - this is not your problem.

You have given her loads of notice. Make sure you have given her notice in writing, then when she fails to leave I don't see what you can do other than change the barrels of the locks while she's out or similar.

I think you need to take proper advice here OP. Ring Shelter or CAB. She's not a tenant she is a lodger and I think that gives you more options.

OMG! So is she deliberately not leaving the house so you can't lock her out? And yes definitely ring CAB - she's not a tenant so you have more rights as @SmoothSeasDoNotMakeGoodSailors says. Although weren't you advised to look into that several times earlier on in the thread?

I was in a similar position with my best friend who was also my NDN. I just didn't realise how much my situation was affecting her and kind of dragging her down. Someone who she confided in, told me. I was mortified that I had used her as my sounding block so much. I apologised and cut back on my angst and to be honest, felt better.

I have spoken to CAB, they said if she leaves I can change the locks

OP she is no longer welcome in your home. You have the absolute right to turf her out right NOW.

Tell her to pack and get out NOW. If she refuses ring the Police. Enough.

Oh my god she's still there!
Please tell her to leave NOW. You've given her enough notice. Who the hell does she think she is. Living for free in your house and picking on you the whole time!!

This sounds really tough OP. Please make sure in amongst this nonsense with your non-friend that you are prioritising yourself and looking out for no.1 - great news that you've started counseling.

Is there a reason you haven't been forced her to leave in all this time? Packed her stuff and put it on the door and when she follows close the door? She's not just been unsupportive to your needs (which is fine in itself), but she's been rude to you in your own home for a long time now. She's an acquaintance at this point - get her out.

Can you ask her what date she will be leaving and if she's started to make arrangements?

Just read your whole thread. Re. Getting her to leave. If she's not going out are you buying all the food ? If so tell her she has to buy her own so she has to leave to go to the shop. There must be a solution. I really feel for you.

God OP I can't actually believe she's still there!

You're being abused. She's kicked you while you're down and not even paying rent?!

Get her out. Now. Tell her that she needs to be gone by the weekend or else you're calling the police.

This is very outing but I don't care very much now.

She finally left 2 weeks ago whilst we were on holiday. The night before I went on holiday she thanked me for letting her stay etc etc.

I got home at the weekend and she'd left her room in a state. It clearly hadn't been hoovered, there’s a random stain on the carpet, the windowsill had cup marks…. I’m by no means fastidious with cleaning - so maybe she thought I wouldn't care - but even I have always cleaned a house/room before I moved out.

She also ended up leaving a few days later than planned like I said, but didn’t tell me, the neighbours had to - I have a cat I asked them to feed when she left. But she didn’t communicate with them either about what she was doing, so they had to come over every day to see if she’d left so they could tell if she’d fed the cat or not! She also told them that on the Thursday she was supposed to leave, that she was let down by the van company, but my neighbours said that there was a van on the driveway for hours.

So I’m quite pissed off and spent the weekend angry about it. I even wrote her a message that I was going to send, but I haven’t sent it, I don’t know if I will but it was cathartic writing it out.

I think what annoys me the most is she presents herself to the world very differently - she supposedly hates mess, is squeaky clean, a germaphobe etc. yet she left her room like that?? The mind boggles.

Anyway, the main thing is she has gone, which I know is what I should be focusing on.

So glad she is out!! I wouldn't message her. You won't get any joy out of it.

Don't message her. Put it down as a learning experience. Thank god she's finally left! Enjoy your peaceful house

Well thank fuck she's finally gone, but for God's sake DONT have anything more to do with her!

She's NOT a friend. Block her from all your SM, hang up if she calls, tell her to Fuck Off, anything but DON'T get suckered again.

AND CHANGE THE LOCKS

Block her and change the locks.

Any post that gets delivered to yours send back with “not known at this address” written on.

Glad you’re finally rid of her!

Oh thank god she's finally gone. Block her on everything, change the locks and have a glass of wine to celebrate.

Change the locks.

Block her on everything!!

And thank god OP!

Agreeing with others - block her and have nothing more to do with her. You're free now!

Finally!!! Change the locks quick and block block block