Codependent friendship - and I'm the problem

[cadburyegg]

My mental health is really dire right now and I have unintentionally offloaded a lot onto a friend of mine, who happens to be living with me atm.

For background in the last 2 years I have separated from my husband, I'm now a single parent, of 2 young kids, my dad also died. I am on a high dose of ADs. I am on the waiting list for therapy. I try to go on walks most days. I am working, I have other friends who I see regularly.

Anyway my friend has now said that she's at her limit, she's not my therapist, etc. you get the gist.
This is my fault entirely and of course the fact we live together means she gets no "let up" from me.
I want to take responsibility and fix things . I don't want to be a burden on people but I feel like that's what I am in danger of becoming. I want to be a better friend again. I just don't know how to find the strength because I am so sad all of the time. I don't know what else I can do to help myself mentally.

Terrible advice.

I'm sorry it sounds very tough.

I do think she should move out. You have both got yourselves into a place of dependency and therefore both probably subconsciously feel you are "owed" something by the other one and it's creating a fairly unhealthy dynamic.

You weren't wrong to want to talk about this situation, you are processing a lot of difficult stuff. But she's also well within her rights to want not to have you treating her like a counsellor. You know this already but you really need to get professional help for this. If you can afford to fast-track it by paying for it it might be worth doing.

You need to reset the friendship. Apologise if you feel you need to but I think it's definitely an "actions speak louder than words" situation. You have a chance of doing this if you move out, less so if you continue living together.

I would be giving her no more than 2 weeks to get out - this is bonkers that you are letting her stay for months when she is the one who made you feel bad in your own home AND she is paying nothing towards the mortgage or upkeep of your home. Fuck that...

I'd be giving her notice to move out a lot sooner. Living together is clearly not good for either of you. The friendship may or may not be salvageable once you both have your own space.

I think the summer holidays is too long in that case. If she wanted to be allowed to keep living for free in your house she can put a polite face on instead of being incredibly rude. I would probably give her 4 weeks but if she has anywhere else she could go you could give her less than that.

you need to put yourself first rather than this freeloader. She's made it clear that she doesn't want you in her life and is now just using you for free accommodation.

Get her out - give her 2 weeks and start getting your life back on track.

What? You shouldn't have to leave your OWN HOUSE because your friend who is living there for free is making life difficult for you.

I would give "friend" a few weeks to leave. While she is still there, I would stay in your own house and do what you want in it. If "friend" has a problem with this she is free to leave anytime!!

I feel incredibly sorry for you. Don't wait until the summer she needs to go before that. You are housing her for nothing and I imagine your home is your sanctuary. I think she has been really cruel and I am sending you a big hug!

You don’t live with non-friends she needs to move out. She doesn’t get to tell you the friendship is over and continue to live rent free in your home that is a completely unreasonable expectation on her part.

These things are never one sided. She is playing a role in this situation too. She is physically codependent living off your good will and you have been emotionally codependent.

I think it will help when she moves out because I agree with another poster that you are completely understandably stuck at the moment and you will be much much better off writing this stuff down and processing it externally than talking it through with friends which really doesn’t help as they cannot be productive with it. It sounds very tough and you will get there. Nothings stay the same forever. It can’t because everything around it changes.

Tell her she needs to pay rent as she’s a lodger not a friend

WTF!?

YOU are the one moving out of YOUR house?
While she continues to leave there rent free??

OP she's taking massive advantage of you.

Tell her to get out in a fortnight, and definitely don't leave your house.

I think your mental health would improve if you asked her to move out.

You were rescuing her and looking to her to rescue you. She just wanted to be rescued without reciprocating it seems. Give her a week to move out, she's taking the piss now.

She's a cheeky bitch

Yes give her a fortnight. No more. This is outrageous. She’s grossly entitled if she thinks she can ‘unfriend’ the person letting her live rent free in their home.

As PP above said 'Weapons grade Bitch'. She is NOT in anyway a friend, she's kicking you when you're at your lowest. Kick her as soon as you possibly can. That'll soften her cough.

OP please don't stay in your bedroom.

If your presence in YOUR house makes her uncomfortable - she can stay in her bedroom.

You two are firmly inside the drama triangle
I don't for a moment suggest you can look at this model and suddenly leave the triangle, it takes time and practice, but reading this may help you understand what is happening.

I think your friend's behaviour is outrageous and that you are very vulnerable. Honestly, I wish you had the support to get her to leave today because you are not actually safe in your own home. Please do at least reduce her notice to a week or two. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children.

Why?

To answer a few questions - I have not and am not intending to move out.

I agree that until the summer holidays is a long time. I wanted to be as reasonable as possible, and in her defense she did say that I have been more than reasonable. Of course, when I said that to her, I had no idea she was about to end the friendship. I will reconsider the timeframe. I just don't want to give her any more ammo for her to think I am unreasonable.

Another long-standing issue I've had since she moved in (and I apologise for the massive drip feed, but of course I didn't know when i started the thread that this would be the eventual outcome) - is that she is very critical of me, and picks holes in everything, and often makes me feel very stupid. She also admitted the other night, that she doesn't find our friendship intellectually stimulating enough, and we can't talk about enough deep stuff. Which explains the critical comments from her I guess.

I have never pretended to be anyone other than who I am. I have friends of various intelligence levels and I get different things out of each friendship. It never occurred to me to end a friendship with someone partly because we are not on the same "intellectual level". But anyway, she is entitled to end a friendship for whatever reasons she sees fit, as a pp mentioned above. It just surprises me, that's all. I just accept my friends for who they are.

She doesn't fully appreciate that her living with me is a massive compromise on her part, because she is so used to living in houseshares with people she doesn't know well, so for her, it's no different. I agreed with her that I became emotionally dependent on her, but I also pointed out that she had become physically codependent on me. She had no idea what I was talking about!

That drama triangle is useful - I will look.

Thank you all for the support.

BTW, as a side point, I have started counselling.

OP stern talking-to time. You are being a total pushover. This person has ended your friendship so she is in no position now to accept your hospitality and live under your roof for free. You can be kind and give her two weeks but there is no way you can give her months more - your own fragile mental health will suffer enormously.

You'll also feel much better about yourself for being assertive here, and it's healthy to model that for your children. It's not healthy for them to see their mum being taken advantage of.

I am so sorry @cadburyegg that you find yourself in this position. I can understand you offloading and, fair enough, your 'friend' can't deal with that any more - but you have been putting her up free to help her out, so there is/was a co-dependency there and she is NOT a nice person, if she has been so unkind to you. For all you know, you haven't been overdoing it at all: you only have her word for it - but even if you have, she has shown her true colours by kicking you while you were down, instead of just moving out to give you both some space.

She has now unfriended you and called time on your friendship - so PLEASE, give her a month at most to find somewhere else and do not feel sorry for her if she says she has nowhere else to go, wants to make it up with you. I'm pretty certain you will feel at least a little better after she has gone. No Way should you be hiding in your room, in your own house, to avoid her

I hope you can get some help/therapy to deal with your MH soon but realise it might be a while

I meant to say "She doesn't fully appreciate that her living with me is a massive compromise on my part"

Well done op. Hopefully she will move out as planned or Sooner. Hang in there as an awkward phase is starting soon. Stay firm on your decision and I hope things work out well for you. Please don't feel too guilty. I bet you will think differently once she moves out and things will definitely settle for you.

You don't want to give her ammunition? You really need to work on not worrying about what she thinks. Her opinion of you is hers, it isn't fact. She is so toxic, and she is hurting you every minute that she is in your home.