Codependent friendship - and I'm the problem

[cadburyegg]

My mental health is really dire right now and I have unintentionally offloaded a lot onto a friend of mine, who happens to be living with me atm.

For background in the last 2 years I have separated from my husband, I'm now a single parent, of 2 young kids, my dad also died. I am on a high dose of ADs. I am on the waiting list for therapy. I try to go on walks most days. I am working, I have other friends who I see regularly.

Anyway my friend has now said that she's at her limit, she's not my therapist, etc. you get the gist.
This is my fault entirely and of course the fact we live together means she gets no "let up" from me.
I want to take responsibility and fix things . I don't want to be a burden on people but I feel like that's what I am in danger of becoming. I want to be a better friend again. I just don't know how to find the strength because I am so sad all of the time. I don't know what else I can do to help myself mentally.

Another thing was she admitted to "testing" me a few weeks ago. she wanted to see if I had my own opinion, so she asked me what I thought of a tv show. I gave my opinion, she gave me hers and I said something like ok, I see your point.

Apparently this is "proof" that I don't have my own opinion on things

Someone who's only a twat 80% of the time is still a twat OP, really sorry.

It sounds like one of those things where someone gets into a poor relationship on the rebound, just in this case it's a friendship instead.

This is the sort of thing abusive partners start off doing, OP, making you feel "lesser than". Get her gone ASAP and she can play those games with someone else, elsewhere. 🌹

Um, kindly OP - so what?

Helping our friends, especially when they are managing dire mental health, doesn't need special praise. It's NORMAL.

I have a LOT of difficulty swallowing any assertion that somebody so spiteful, controlling & bullying ever put her needs aside for anybody. Let alone somebody she could dominate by gaslighting them into thinking her cruelty was their own fault.

"I just don't want to give her any more ammo for her to think I am unreasonable"
Why?
How dare she end the friendship while living under your roof!!!!!

She is a freeloading bully who enjoys putting you down.
You must feel like a rabbit caught in the headlights with her bloody tests! When you're feeling down you often don't actually have an opinion either way on trivial things like TV programmes as you are too busy trying to you head above water each day and not bloody sink.
Can I come and help her pack???

So kick her out.

It's your home. She has no legal right to be there.

Also.... just to add.... You sound absolutely lovely Op
It's her loss.
She'll be on to the next person to exploit who is down on their luck.
You've got this.
Cmon

OP, you need to understand this - you are a person of integrity and empathy who is able to reflect and take responsibility when you make mistakes. She knows this, and thus she is able to exploit your good qualities using guilt. Her behaviour tells me that she is an opportunist who knows how to press your shame buttons. But above all, she is treating you in a cruel way. Fuck her.

You've got to be joking. Tell her to leave. Give her two weeks notice, that's enough to find a house share, or a b&b. It's not your problem.

You can't subject you and your children to living with someone that is no longer your friend, and thinks your beneath her. Children will pick up on the animosity, and that's not fair. Home is supposed to be a safe space for them.

She's taking you for an absolute mug and you're letting her. In front of your kids. She knows that your such a push over, she can repeatedly insult you and you'll do nothing.

You're worth so much more than being treated like shit and used for your spare room.

Your friend needs to move out. You are offering a place to live for bloody free for christs sake. The least she can do is be there for you and appreciate everything you are doing for her.

If she can't gave having you as a Facebook friend, what on earth is she doing still living with you?

I'd go the route of "I'm clearly annoying you to a huge extent since you've even unfriended me on Facebook. Living with me must be entirely miserable for you, so so I think it's better that you leave by the end of this month, for your sake as much as mine"

OP, are you ok? I'm genuinely worried for you and the kids.

Please know that you've got a whole load of people here who are wishing you well and willing you to get rid of this narcissistic 'friend'.

OP stop it now.

She's not your friend. This situation is not fair on you and your children.

She needs to leave NOW. As she's such a wonderful person she has lots of other friends to stay with, yes?

Anyone who decides to ‘test you’ to see if you have opinions and who says you aren’t intellectually stimulating for them, is not a friend. Anyone who does this while you are going through a shit time after a bereavement, separation and are not surprisingly struggling, is not only not a friend, but absolutely vile.

Yes, we only have your point of view but you’ve said enough for just about everyone who has posted to come to the same conclusion. This is not what friends do. You deserve to put yourself and your DC first by telling her this is no longer a situation you are ok to carry on with and she has a week to get her stuff out and leave. You are a caring person so it won’t be an easy thing to do. But you will feel so much better to have your home back without the toxic presence of someone constantly judging you and finding you lacking .

I'd have given her til Easter! And I wouldn't be hiding in my bedroom.... In my house!!

@cadburyegg you sound like a lovely person trying to do their best for everyone around them. you've got the clear signal from her that the friendship is over, the door is open for you to say 'look, now you've made it so clear we aren't friends, it's best that you move out before we had originally discussed, so by Easter / the end of the month'.

You owe her nothing and yes, she may have been fed up with being a sounding board but a good friend would extricate themselves from it firmly but graciously.

Good luck with the counselling. I'm sure being in your own house as your own person will help.

Give her a weeks notice.

She sounds bonkers. She thinks you're not intellectually stimulating enough for her because you weren't interested in debating over a TV show... okay then? 🤷‍♀️

IME, people who make a song and dance about needing "intellectually stimulating" conversation and hating small talk etc tend to be on the dim side. People with decent levels of intelligence tend to be able to find ways to get on with people regardless of their intelligence levels.

In any case, you don't sound like you lack intelligence and you also sound very nice. I'd be wanting her gone much quicker if I were you.

Sorry for the lack of update.

I'm extremely tired this week due to lack of sleep! I am ok, thank you everyone for your support . I will update when I am less exhausted!

Are there any signs that she's looking for somewhere else?

hey cadbury, you've got enough demanding people in your life without feeling you owe any of us updates here.

Hope you are telling her she needs to be out within under a fortnight.
Best of luck.

Give her 3 weeks notice to move out, she has living with you rent free, she should have saved money.

*2 weeks not 3!

Ask her to leave by next Saturday midday, wash this person out ur hair Saturday afternoon and take a deep breath.
Plan something lovely to do on Sunday with your children.

You might just find your mental health dramatically improves when you aren’t walking on eggshells in your own home. As that is what you’re doing.
Huge hugs to you, it’s a cliche but it really will be ok in the end.

Let me know if you need help packing her things up. Happy to help. I would happily pay for removals to take it away if it helps!!!