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AIBU?

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Original poster

Codependent friendship - and I'm the problem

180 replies

cadburyegg · 30/01/2023 11:14

My mental health is really dire right now and I have unintentionally offloaded a lot onto a friend of mine, who happens to be living with me atm.

For background in the last 2 years I have separated from my husband, I'm now a single parent, of 2 young kids, my dad also died. I am on a high dose of ADs. I am on the waiting list for therapy. I try to go on walks most days. I am working, I have other friends who I see regularly.

Anyway my friend has now said that she's at her limit, she's not my therapist, etc. you get the gist.
This is my fault entirely and of course the fact we live together means she gets no "let up" from me.
I want to take responsibility and fix things . I don't want to be a burden on people but I feel like that's what I am in danger of becoming. I want to be a better friend again. I just don't know how to find the strength because I am so sad all of the time. I don't know what else I can do to help myself mentally.

OP posts:
Silvers11 · 23/03/2023 13:12

@cadburyegg Just seen your update. We were posting at the same time! I'm glad you have started counselling but wanted to say something about this

I will reconsider the timeframe. I just don't want to give her any more ammo for her to think I am unreasonable.

She has said your friendship is at an end - so it really doesn't matter what she thinks now. Also it sounds like she has been making your life even more difficult than your initial post actually said. Tell her she needs to move in the next couple of weeks and stick to it. You need to protect yourself and your MH. YOU matter far more than your friend at this juncture

Chickenkeev · 23/03/2023 13:14

cadburyegg · 23/03/2023 13:05

To answer a few questions - I have not and am not intending to move out.

I agree that until the summer holidays is a long time. I wanted to be as reasonable as possible, and in her defense she did say that I have been more than reasonable. Of course, when I said that to her, I had no idea she was about to end the friendship. I will reconsider the timeframe. I just don't want to give her any more ammo for her to think I am unreasonable.

Another long-standing issue I've had since she moved in (and I apologise for the massive drip feed, but of course I didn't know when i started the thread that this would be the eventual outcome) - is that she is very critical of me, and picks holes in everything, and often makes me feel very stupid. She also admitted the other night, that she doesn't find our friendship intellectually stimulating enough, and we can't talk about enough deep stuff. Which explains the critical comments from her I guess.

I have never pretended to be anyone other than who I am. I have friends of various intelligence levels and I get different things out of each friendship. It never occurred to me to end a friendship with someone partly because we are not on the same "intellectual level". But anyway, she is entitled to end a friendship for whatever reasons she sees fit, as a pp mentioned above. It just surprises me, that's all. I just accept my friends for who they are.

She doesn't fully appreciate that her living with me is a massive compromise on her part, because she is so used to living in houseshares with people she doesn't know well, so for her, it's no different. I agreed with her that I became emotionally dependent on her, but I also pointed out that she had become physically codependent on me. She had no idea what I was talking about!

That drama triangle is useful - I will look.

Thank you all for the support.

BTW, as a side point, I have started counselling.

OP she's not as clever as she thinks she is, she's shot herself in the foot completely here! Don't give a second thought as to what she thinks, it's clear from this thread that nobody else thinks you are BU. Please get rid as fast as you possibly can and then give yourself a massive pat on the back for dumping the dead weight. She's a cah!

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 23/03/2023 13:23

I just don't want to give her any more ammo for her to think I am unreasonable.
When you start your counselling, ask for help with self-esteem & maintaining boundaries.

The reason this woman has got away with being such a bitch to you is that she senses how worried you are about her good opinion, & she plays on it.
When you worry about what arseholes think of you, you hand them all your personal power.

Another long-standing issue I've had since she moved in (and I apologise for the massive drip feed, but of course I didn't know when i started the thread that this would be the eventual outcome) - is that she is very critical of me, and picks holes in everything, and often makes me feel very stupid. She also admitted the other night, that she doesn't find our friendship intellectually stimulating enough, and we can't talk about enough deep stuff. Which explains the critical comments from her I guess.

See? Self-esteem, & boundaries.
There was no reason for you to tolerate that degree of appalling disrespect.
I hope your counsellor is brilliant & helps you to understand why you bend over backwards for the good opinion of people who treat you like shit.

btw - you sound like a really decent, kind person.
Just don't allow your kindness to be taken advantage of again.
Here is some help with that - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

AliceOlive · 23/03/2023 13:30

She ended the friendship. Does she think you would have let a stranger stay in your home for free? Who exactly has the intellectual problem here? I think it’s the person who believes they can continue to use someone while telling them they no longer want to be friends.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 23/03/2023 13:40

she doesn't find our friendship intellectually stimulating enough, and we can't talk about enough deep stuff.

Says the shallow little twat who unfriended OP on facebook to make a point, while living free in her house. 😂

OP - are you going to be able to unequivocally tell her to get the fuck out of your house within a fortnight? I have horrible qualms that you know it's the right thing to do, but are so over-awed by this bully that you won't feel able to do it.

MsMarch · 23/03/2023 13:42

Wait, she's ended the friendship and is highly critical of you but is STILL living in your house rent free?

Come on.

OP - this woman is a complete CF. Tell her to go. Or at the very least, tell her that if she's not your friend anymore then of course, you have no reason to do her a favour so she must pay rent for her final few months.

She has a real brass neck and has clearly done a brilliant job of convincing you that you are the problem.

MsMarch · 23/03/2023 13:42

Perhaps you could tell her that you need her to pay rent so that you can pay to improve your intellectual capability?

Sorry, I'm just so gobsmacked.

SquirrelSoShiny · 23/03/2023 13:43

cadburyegg · 23/03/2023 11:40

So - an update.

I asked her to move out and gave her until the summer holidays to find somewhere else. She has ended the friendship, not because of what I said, but because she'd had enough of me leaning on her, even though I haven't done so since we had that conversation.
I've now got to live with a non-friend until she leaves, which is never what I wanted. I don't want a lodger. It's not even about the money.
I invited her to stay because she was in a tough spot, I feel like it's completely backfired in my face.
I have made mistakes - I admit that.

This is really unclear. You just added that you're not moving out.

Give her 48 hours to get the fuck out of your house. Change the locks, keep doing your counselling, start learning about your boundaries. She is a weapons grade cheeky fucker!

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 23/03/2023 13:45

You sound like an empathetic, kind person OP, who reflects and is able to see things from another’s perspective. I think she knows that and has used that to pile yet more hurt onto you. Who the hell would unfriend someone while living in their house gratis? You’re going to have to practice some assertiveness here.

Summerishere123 · 23/03/2023 13:46

Tell her that since she has now ended the friendship it is too awkward and you would like her to leave sooner. Give her 2 months max!

Thesharkradar · 23/03/2023 13:47

As said your friend is playing You like a violin, complaining about you whilst benefiting from your generosity, deliberately messing with your head so you can't tell up from down and you carry on giving her a free ride
Get rid of this awful freeloader!!!

Pinktowelblue · 23/03/2023 13:48

cadburyegg · 23/03/2023 11:40

So - an update.

I asked her to move out and gave her until the summer holidays to find somewhere else. She has ended the friendship, not because of what I said, but because she'd had enough of me leaning on her, even though I haven't done so since we had that conversation.
I've now got to live with a non-friend until she leaves, which is never what I wanted. I don't want a lodger. It's not even about the money.
I invited her to stay because she was in a tough spot, I feel like it's completely backfired in my face.
I have made mistakes - I admit that.

Sorry? You have a non friend/lodger moved in. Yet it's not about money?!
If you don't need another person living in your house because you can afford to live alone with your children then why is this non friend lodger living with you?

Pinktowelblue · 23/03/2023 13:49

Pinktowelblue · 23/03/2023 13:48

Sorry? You have a non friend/lodger moved in. Yet it's not about money?!
If you don't need another person living in your house because you can afford to live alone with your children then why is this non friend lodger living with you?

Show quote history

Sorry I get it now. Totally read that wrong !!

Lockedinforwinter · 23/03/2023 13:51

Come on OP, she is living rent free in your home, while you are camping out at a friends, presumably with your DC? You need to get back into your home, and tell her to get the hell out. Why do you still think you owe her anything when she has made it clear she is not your friend?

Thinkbiglittleone · 23/03/2023 13:53

OP, you are letting her live with you, because she is your friend.
She has ended the friendship, so she must leave.
Not by the summer holidays, that is a long time for her to "lean on you financially" and for you to be uncomfortable in your own home.

I think you need to go back and explain that you have now decided that you don't want to live in your own home walking in egg shells, so she had 2 weeks and then she must be out. Explain that she has also been leaning in you massively by living with you rent free, it goes both ways.
Did she agree to the summer holidays as a move out date, who does this, surely you just move out straight away in this situation rather than

Do you have anyone to help you "enforce" this if she becomes difficult?

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 23/03/2023 13:56

Sounds like it would be better for both of you if your friend moved out. The arrangement just isn't working for either of you.

Feuillemille23 · 23/03/2023 13:57

Sorry, why are you moving out of YOUR house? Is she actually planning on leaving at all or is she planning on taking up residence so she can claim your house as hers? Sorry to be so harsh but this person is not a friend and never was, she's a snarky freeloading parasite. How do you get rid of her, sooner rather than later, and get the locks changed so she can't get back in?

I really do hope things improve for you, you sound exceptionally kind and it infuriates me to hear how this person has abused your good nature and your vulnerability.

Lostmarblesfinder · 23/03/2023 14:01

Based on your additional posts I would send her a text.

Hi Ex friend,

Now that we are no longer friends it is unsustainable for you to stay in my house. I am staying with a friend for a couple of days to give you a chance to get your stuff together to move out. I will be back on Saturday. On Saturday I would get some support and head over there and move out her stuff if she is still there. This situation is absolutely toxic.

@cadburyegg

littlefireseverywhere · 23/03/2023 14:01

I would ask her to leave. She’s given you no choice.

Ihadenough22 · 23/03/2023 14:06

The reality is that you helped with her accommodation and perhaps got her away from a difficult situation. Then you let her stay with you rent and bill free so in effect you have been subbing her financially. Yes, you have been dealing with a lot, your taking ad's and trying to get counselling. So you may have been leaning on her a lot. She said this to you and you tried to stop doing this.

Your doing the best you can at the moment. Your aware that you need more help. It just sometimes getting help like counselling can be hard due to waiting lists or the cost.

So now she unfriend you on FB and thinks she can continue to live rent and bill free with you in your house till the summer. That date will keep moving to suit her.
At this stage I tell her you have decided she has a month to get new accommodation and move out. I would remind her as well that she can well afford this after living rent and bill free with you since X date.

I think that for your own mental health you need her out of your house. You have now seen her true colours and why should you continue to help her after what she said to you. I would start to write things down about how you feel ect as this mey help you and date them.
I would also look up online and see if their are any low cost counselling services locally that you could avail of and chat to your GP also about getting counselling.

LongLostNailVarnish · 23/03/2023 14:10

Wow I've only read your comments and updates. But OMG she is awful and not and never has been a friend.

You were useful to her, if she was a friend the constant nit picking and making you feel stupid just wouldn't happen, it's bullying and if it were a relationship people would advise you it's abusive.

no wonder you are struggling to get over the shit in your life when you come home to that.

It's your home were you should feel at ease. She's turned it all on you after picking at you making you feel worse, and then called you draining! She couldn't give a shining shit about you. you were a roof over her head and it was inconvenient that you lived there with her and were expecting more than a freeloading lodger.

please don't prolong this. For your own mental health tell her to leave ASAP give her week. if she's use to house shares she'll be use to finding another at short notice, she can crash at another friends(if she has any!) until she finds somewhere.

Fuck her, she doesn't deserve your compassion she had non for you.

WhoAmEye · 23/03/2023 14:11

She's got to go OP, sooner rather than later.

Wintersunrise · 23/03/2023 14:17

If she’s no longer your friend then in fact she’s just a freeloader.
Two weeks notice would be plenty generous, you can be rid of the awkwardness and criticism by a Easter!

LauraIAm · 23/03/2023 14:19

Hi @cadburyegg I’m really sorry that you have had a hard few years. I think you are blaming yourself here for something that isn’t your fault - you have been a great friend to your CF friend, you offered her somewhere to live indefinitely rent free and no bills, even though you have been having a tough time. She on the other hand isn’t prepared to offer you emotional support which is normal in a healthy friendship and especially given what you have done for her. Even if you overstepped (which I am not sure you did), she could have dealt with it sensitively and not with petty FB unfriending. She then was also ungrateful and disrespected your boundaries when you asked her to move out. Honestly I would give her two weeks’ notice, that’s perfectly reasonable. Good luck for the next chapter 💐

Coffeecoffeeinmytummy · 23/03/2023 14:23

Lol at this point I'd be "Thanks for your feedback, I respect your decision to end the friendship. I'd like my house keys back please, let me know when you will be collecting your things"