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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Go to school or move out. AIBU?

187 replies

OhBitchPeas · 30/01/2023 08:26

I'm at the end of my tether.

My 16 year old son is lazy. He hasn't bothered turning up to school on time whatsoever this term.
The school have done nothing.

He got a weekend job, did the trial and didn't bother turning up the following week so lost his job.
His room is a tip and he does absolutely nothing round the house.

I reached my limit and cut his phone off (he can still make emergency calls) and internet.

In retaliation he said he's not going to school at all.

I informed the school and asked for support and I've had nothing back. They are worse than useless.

He isn't applying to college either.

He lazed around in his bed all last week.

This morning I said he can either go to school or leave the house and move out.

It's not fair that me and his dad work every day, his brothers are all at school, why does he get to have long showers, eat all our food, leave all our lights on and not do anything?!

Life doesn't work that way.

So I took his door key and I've asked him to leave (or go to school!). And he's leaving (but not yet, because it's only 8am. My heart bleeds).

i don't understand how we produced someone so lazy, we have always worked hard, his brother is a grafter, helps in the garden and renovations of the house to earn money, he's busting to be old enough to get a weekend job.

Has anyone else experienced this?!

OP posts:
Sublimeursula · 30/01/2023 08:27

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Quartz2208 · 30/01/2023 08:29

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This. He sounds anxious and depressed and needs support rather than punishment

WandaWonder · 30/01/2023 08:32

I don't know what you expect the school to do

It sounds like he needs to see someone, I don't think 'normal' punishments will work on a 16year old

Sure at 8 grounding may work

But if he leaves home where would he actually go?

Maybe arrange counselling?

2reefsin30knots · 30/01/2023 08:32

Even if you have mental health problems, you can't just jack life in. That is not the solution. I don't think the OP is doing the wrong thing by taking action to get him off his arse.

Needmorelego · 30/01/2023 08:32

Where do you think he will go at 16? He won't be able to rent anywhere (even if he got a full time job no one would rent to under 18). He will be homeless on the street. Do you really want that?
Please talk to him and listen to him.

NoDairyNoProblem · 30/01/2023 08:38

@OhBitchPeas you know this isn’t a plan don’t you?

He is 16. Where do you think he will go? How will he support himself?

Have you taken him to the GP?

Original poster
OhBitchPeas · 30/01/2023 08:42

Anxious and depressed?

No.

He smokes weed, shags girls and has very late nights.

And the school thing has happened since the start of term.
He doesn't give a crap about GCSE's and just wants to socialise.

He is not anxious or depressed, he simply prioritises his social life and girls.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhBitchPeas · 30/01/2023 08:43

NoDairyNoProblem · 30/01/2023 08:38

@OhBitchPeas you know this isn’t a plan don’t you?

He is 16. Where do you think he will go? How will he support himself?

Have you taken him to the GP?

Exactly.

Who will wash his clothes, buy him all the food, allow him to leave all the lights on?

Going to be a learning curve isn't it?

that's the whole point. I expect him back within 3 days.

OP posts:
Rosei · 30/01/2023 08:43

In the nicest possible way...do you think you have enabled this behaviour by things like not making him do things round the house? That's on you to have set boundaries and make him do it.

The thing I'd be worried about is is he caught up in the wrong crowd? My friends son is exactly like this, but it is because all he wants to do is hang round with his mates, take drugs, vape, drink. He is extremely easily lead and wants to people please.

Original poster
OhBitchPeas · 30/01/2023 08:44

Needmorelego · 30/01/2023 08:32

Where do you think he will go at 16? He won't be able to rent anywhere (even if he got a full time job no one would rent to under 18). He will be homeless on the street. Do you really want that?
Please talk to him and listen to him.

He will make himself homeless.

He has an option. Go to school, or leave.

He won't end up "on the streets" he will stay round a friends house until the novelty has worn off, his clothes are all dirty and he will ask to come home. He doesn't have any other choice, does he?

OP posts:
Rosei · 30/01/2023 08:46

You've answered it yourself (crosspost). Smokes weed.....there's your problem.

namechangeforthisbleep · 30/01/2023 08:47

This is why we've ended up with so many useless, fragile teenagers! Because everyone wants to brand bad behaviour on mental health problems ffs! He's just a lazy so and so! You've done the right thing

Original poster
OhBitchPeas · 30/01/2023 08:47

Rosei · 30/01/2023 08:43

In the nicest possible way...do you think you have enabled this behaviour by things like not making him do things round the house? That's on you to have set boundaries and make him do it.

The thing I'd be worried about is is he caught up in the wrong crowd? My friends son is exactly like this, but it is because all he wants to do is hang round with his mates, take drugs, vape, drink. He is extremely easily lead and wants to people please.

It's not a great crowd, and yes they all smoke weed but they are nice, polite boys with nice parents.
None of them used to do this.

And yes, getting him to do stuff round the house has always been a battle. He's always been a lazy git.

But what's the option now? Allow him to effectively sponge off us until when?

I looked up the legalities of a child not going to college or doing an apprenticeship and sure it's a legal requirement but the punishment if they dont go?
Nothing.
Which gives him the go ahead to continue to be lazy.

OP posts:
LIZS · 30/01/2023 08:47

What does he do instead? Was this a sudden change in behaviour?

Original poster
OhBitchPeas · 30/01/2023 08:48

Rosei · 30/01/2023 08:46

You've answered it yourself (crosspost). Smokes weed.....there's your problem.

Yup!
he was a lazy git before that though. But added weed makes him a sponging sloth and I've had enough.

OP posts:
LIZS · 30/01/2023 08:49

Posts crossed. How does he fund his habits?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 30/01/2023 08:49

Who’s giving him money for weed and socialising? I’d cut that off for a start!

WandaWonder · 30/01/2023 08:49

OhBitchPeas · 30/01/2023 08:42

Anxious and depressed?

No.

He smokes weed, shags girls and has very late nights.

And the school thing has happened since the start of term.
He doesn't give a crap about GCSE's and just wants to socialise.

He is not anxious or depressed, he simply prioritises his social life and girls.

So what do you want the school to do?

redskydelight · 30/01/2023 08:49

Where does he get his money for weed and socialising?

Sublimeursula · 30/01/2023 08:50

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Rosei · 30/01/2023 08:50

@OhBitchPeas you've done the right thing giving him the ultimatum. No he can't just sit round sponging off you!

Original poster
OhBitchPeas · 30/01/2023 08:50

WandaWonder · 30/01/2023 08:49

So what do you want the school to do?

Show quote history

No idea. I was just keeping them in the loop.
I did wrongly assume they would reply to my email.

OP posts:
Beezknees · 30/01/2023 08:50

Where is he getting the money to buy weed? If you are still giving him an allowance, stop that.

Original poster
OhBitchPeas · 30/01/2023 08:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Eh?
very difficult relationship with his parents?!

Since 8am this morning?!
Christ he has suffered hasn't he? 🙄

OP posts:
caramac04 · 30/01/2023 08:51

The weed is the biggest problem so how is he funding it?