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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Go to school or move out. AIBU?

187 replies

OhBitchPeas · 30/01/2023 08:26

I'm at the end of my tether.

My 16 year old son is lazy. He hasn't bothered turning up to school on time whatsoever this term.
The school have done nothing.

He got a weekend job, did the trial and didn't bother turning up the following week so lost his job.
His room is a tip and he does absolutely nothing round the house.

I reached my limit and cut his phone off (he can still make emergency calls) and internet.

In retaliation he said he's not going to school at all.

I informed the school and asked for support and I've had nothing back. They are worse than useless.

He isn't applying to college either.

He lazed around in his bed all last week.

This morning I said he can either go to school or leave the house and move out.

It's not fair that me and his dad work every day, his brothers are all at school, why does he get to have long showers, eat all our food, leave all our lights on and not do anything?!

Life doesn't work that way.

So I took his door key and I've asked him to leave (or go to school!). And he's leaving (but not yet, because it's only 8am. My heart bleeds).

i don't understand how we produced someone so lazy, we have always worked hard, his brother is a grafter, helps in the garden and renovations of the house to earn money, he's busting to be old enough to get a weekend job.

Has anyone else experienced this?!

OP posts:
Original poster
OhBitchPeas · 30/01/2023 08:52

Beezknees · 30/01/2023 08:50

Where is he getting the money to buy weed? If you are still giving him an allowance, stop that.

Well he got money for Christmas. Which I knew would all go on weed.

And aside from that he smokes with his friends who all have weekend jobs and go to school or college.
So he sponges off them as well.
Lovely.

OP posts:
Thunderpunt · 30/01/2023 08:54

What did he say when you told him you wanted him to leave?
Do you think it might be a wake up call and he relents and goes to school?
They're so bloody hard work at this age, went through similar so understand your frustration.
No answers, but solidarity OP

LIZS · 30/01/2023 08:54

You need to make more noise with the school, ask to speak to Inclusion Officer, head of Year etc. Email is too passive.

Naunet · 30/01/2023 08:54

Needmorelego · 30/01/2023 08:32

Where do you think he will go at 16? He won't be able to rent anywhere (even if he got a full time job no one would rent to under 18). He will be homeless on the street. Do you really want that?
Please talk to him and listen to him.

Rubbish, I rented at 16, wasn’t a problem.

Thunderpunt · 30/01/2023 08:58

Also have the school not been in touch regarding attendance?
When you say from beginning of term do you mean this January term, or since September?
Presume he's year 11, so does he understand the pressure that will be put on you in terms of the LEA and fines if his attendance goes below a certain level?
I'm surprised the school haven't engaged with you particularly as it's GCSE year for him...

welshpolarbear · 30/01/2023 08:59

Op I don't know why you're getting so much crap.

I think you're doing the right thing. He doesn't know he's born and as you say he'll come back when he realises how good he had it.. and hopefully bucks up his ideas.

Original poster
OhBitchPeas · 30/01/2023 09:01

Thunderpunt · 30/01/2023 08:58

Also have the school not been in touch regarding attendance?
When you say from beginning of term do you mean this January term, or since September?
Presume he's year 11, so does he understand the pressure that will be put on you in terms of the LEA and fines if his attendance goes below a certain level?
I'm surprised the school haven't engaged with you particularly as it's GCSE year for him...

since Jan he's been late every day (skipped tutor) they messaged once.

They sent a text each day last week to ask where he was, I've always said he is truanting.
I got nothing back.

OP posts:
Untitledsquatboulder · 30/01/2023 09:03

OhBitchPeas · 30/01/2023 08:44

He will make himself homeless.

He has an option. Go to school, or leave.

He won't end up "on the streets" he will stay round a friends house until the novelty has worn off, his clothes are all dirty and he will ask to come home. He doesn't have any other choice, does he?

Show quote history

I'd add a third option: school, full time job or leave. But no, you are not wrong. My db was like this and my parents went into "cosset and gently encourage" mode for the next 25 years. It was a disaster.

Tohaveandtohold · 30/01/2023 09:10

My friend did this to his son. After a night of sleeping rough, he realised he’ll be screwed if he didn’t come home and apologise and at least go to school.
She is separated from his dad and when the truancy started and she asked him to move out, he thought his dad will take him in but he went to his house and his dad was away on holiday. No idea where he slept that night but he was back home the next morning and begging to go to school.
He’s 18 now and still smokes weed but he now has a Saturday job and will be starting an apprenticeship soon

SleepingStandingUp · 30/01/2023 09:17

I get your frustration op but what's the ign term plan?

Will his friends parents let him stay or will it be older friends who have their own place / squat?

Okso he crashes at a few mates houses, says I want to come home, he sleeps at home that night, goes yo school for one day, stops again.

I'd be worried he's going to end up I na squat involved in drug running frankly.

No idea what the solution is though

RudsyFarmer · 30/01/2023 09:17

I say yes OP. Do exactly what you are doing and follow through. If you don’t and you let it continue, what do you think he’ll be doing in six months, one year, five years? What will be the impetus to make him change anything he is doing?

He is staying up late. Smoking weed and shagging girls whilst you are providing him with warmth, clean clothes and home cooked meals. He is not going to stop on his own now is he.

averythinline · 30/01/2023 09:18

he'll probably end up dealing weed to get his own....once his moneys spent... or as part of a county lines ..if he hasn't already ...they target kids and it seems like an easier path than school....until it isn't.

look up teen drug support in your area

RudsyFarmer · 30/01/2023 09:20

SleepingStandingUp · 30/01/2023 09:17

I get your frustration op but what's the ign term plan?

Will his friends parents let him stay or will it be older friends who have their own place / squat?

Okso he crashes at a few mates houses, says I want to come home, he sleeps at home that night, goes yo school for one day, stops again.

I'd be worried he's going to end up I na squat involved in drug running frankly.

No idea what the solution is though

Maybe he needs to end up in a squat and feel dirty and cold. He’s already involved in drugs. OP doesn’t have to remove all contact with him, I wouldn’t advise that for a second. She needs to be available at all times for reconciliation but she needs to decide her boundaries and enforce them.

He goes to school every day and fully engages
No drugs
Respects the rules of the house
Earns privileges

OdeToBarney · 30/01/2023 09:25

Granted my DC is still a baby, but I think you're doing the right thing OP. He's never going to stop if he's being enabled. His friends will get sick of his sponging ways and he'll realise that he needs to stand on his own two feet, or that living in your home is not something he can take this piss out of. There are rules. The only way my DB got clean (cocaine) was when everyone stopped enabling him and he had no choice. Suddenly stuffing any money he had up his nose wasn't such a priority when he couldnt feed himself and had nowhere to live. I'm still NC with him though.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/01/2023 09:25

averythinline · 30/01/2023 09:18

he'll probably end up dealing weed to get his own....once his moneys spent... or as part of a county lines ..if he hasn't already ...they target kids and it seems like an easier path than school....until it isn't.

look up teen drug support in your area

Yes this was my concern. And then it's not just weed.

Goldenbear · 30/01/2023 09:26

You say the parents of his friends are nice and polite but it is not their responsibility to take him in. Also, as a PP stated you need to do more than email the school. He is your son in year 11, you can't just give up on him. I have a DS in year 11 so I do understand that age but there is no way in hell I'd be passive about this. The weed obviously effects him differently to his friends so it will be the major cause of the apathy. That will only get worse. You can't wish him to be his brother, he's obviously not a grafter but laziness is not exactly out of the ordinary at 16. I work with someone who speaks about her teenagers in a similar way, she's always shocked that they don't want to be waitressing in a job on Saturday evening at 17 or they were late for their 9am Sunday start. She is unrealistic and unforgiving and they must pick up on her disdain, the husband is even worse with indicating what a disappointment they are. It is so negative and I can't imagine how it helps anything. Of course, it is frustrating but things like this aren't fixed overnight - you've got to get small wins unless you don't want a relationship with him. Does he talk to you, if not that would be my first aim.

Karen398 · 30/01/2023 09:27

I've been in this situation, you need to arrange a face to face meeting with school. The school arranged for my son to finish the year at Easter and only go in for exams. A teacher came and took him to those exams. Is he smoking weed? That can cause a real lack of motivation ime.
I certainly wouldn't throw him out

crowsfeet57 · 30/01/2023 09:29

Where exactly do you think he is going to live if you throw him out?

Rosei · 30/01/2023 09:30

In our area, if the school know about drugs with a child they can get substance misuse workers in tomeet with the child and support them. The weed is probably his biggest problem.

ButterCrackers · 30/01/2023 09:30

The school needs to help you with his attendance. I’d say that he goes to an army recruitment office and see how other teens his age are responsible and work hard.

Sublimeursula · 30/01/2023 09:31

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LakeTiticaca · 30/01/2023 09:33

Tough love is what he needs. Not dancing around him like he's a royal Prince. His friends parents are not going to put up with another lazy teenage slob for more than one night so once he realises nobody else particularly gives a shit he will probably come home with his tail between his legs.
Ground rules are needed. No weed in the house. No girls in the house. No phone data/WiFi and no money until he gets his arse in gear

Sublimeursula · 30/01/2023 09:36

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Minimalme · 30/01/2023 09:37

I think you should contact Social Services and ask them to place him in care.

He is a child and it is your responsibility to keep him safe.

If you kick him out, he may see the error of his ways or he may end up homeless and subject to all the hideous stuff that can happen in that situation.

Sublimeursula · 30/01/2023 09:38

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