Go to school or move out. AIBU?

[OhBitchPeas]

I'm at the end of my tether.

My 16 year old son is lazy. He hasn't bothered turning up to school on time whatsoever this term.
The school have done nothing.

He got a weekend job, did the trial and didn't bother turning up the following week so lost his job.
His room is a tip and he does absolutely nothing round the house.

I reached my limit and cut his phone off (he can still make emergency calls) and internet.

In retaliation he said he's not going to school at all.

I informed the school and asked for support and I've had nothing back. They are worse than useless.

He isn't applying to college either.

He lazed around in his bed all last week.

This morning I said he can either go to school or leave the house and move out.

It's not fair that me and his dad work every day, his brothers are all at school, why does he get to have long showers, eat all our food, leave all our lights on and not do anything?!

Life doesn't work that way.

So I took his door key and I've asked him to leave (or go to school!). And he's leaving (but not yet, because it's only 8am. My heart bleeds).

i don't understand how we produced someone so lazy, we have always worked hard, his brother is a grafter, helps in the garden and renovations of the house to earn money, he's busting to be old enough to get a weekend job.

Has anyone else experienced this?!

Glad to hear it. Think you took the right approach . At least you’re talking and there is some movement.
Hope it all goes well tomorrow.

Rubbish, I rented at 16, wasn’t a problem.

Not possible now. The rental property market is nothing like it was when you were 16 @Naunet.

There is a shortage of properties.
Landlords won't rent to 16 year olds.
Landlords won't rent to someone with no income.
Landlords won't rent to young people without a guarantor.

DD graduated last year and still required a guarantor for her flat rental at 22.

They're absolute buggers at this age, and realistically we only parent them with their consent. If you've got teenagers who largely play the game with you, you're lucky. Even if he had joined in family chores etc prior to 16, he could have turned into Mr Awkward at any stage. You can't physically force him to school, or to get a PT job or anything actually. You can impose sanctions re: phone, internet, allowance etc but if he digs his heels in what can you do? You can only do what you've done & hope he runs out of places to stay, gets bored of not having phone, clean clothes & his own bed, then you can negotiate. Discuss with your husband what inducements you are willing to offer him to get school attendance and participation. When at school meeting, discuss his long term plans, doubtful he'll just say 'to chill'. There's no magic solution, because so much depends on his response. You need to make a stand though, you've got his siblings watching.

Cutting off his phone but he still has data & access to internet is pointless, he can still WhatsApp or other.
Stop the internet
Remove console
You can get a fridge lock
You can turn down the heating
You can not do his laundry
Hide your purse& siblings savings
Get him up & out of the house at school time & lock him out till the end of the school day.

Does he have any hobbies or passions? Art or gaming or something? Maybe school isn't the right fit for him. Could he enrol in a college and do something that inspires him? (I appreciate this may mean waiting till next September to go to college but worth thinking about).can he cope with school until summer and then go to college?

Talk to him about what he wants out of life?

@worstusernameeverx2 Christ! My point exactly 😂😂

If he likes the gym then would you say he is a sporty lad?
This could be his goal in life - to be involved either with work or outside work in sport.
(Sorry - I didn't mean to do that pun there!)
You mentioned he has a tutor? What subject is that for? Does he really need it?
If it's for Maths or English then maybe he does but is it because you expect (want) him to get a grade 8 or 9 and he is more on track for a 4 or 5 (which is fine for some college courses).
Have you looked at what sports related courses the college does? My nephew did a sports btec (although as a GCSE alternative not at college). Sports is his thing - not academics. He has an offer to do a specialist sports course at a college abroad (got to wait until he is 18 unfortunately).
Talking to him will be hard. Maybe going for a gym session with him, or a jog or something and you can then talk. This might be better than a formal sit down talk.
Do you think the school will let him drop some subjects? Might take the school pressure off.
Good luck 💐

Other than cutting off funds so he can't buy weed, I can't see how any of this is going to help.

@worstusernameeverx2 well said (from someone with experience)

How has today gone op? My friend's dgs is struggling like this at the moment and it's awful for him and his parents. He is 18 this month. Should be doing A levels but isn't going in. Never had any school trouble to near end of year 12 then suddenly lying in bed, not going in ext. He does have a PT time job but is horrible to his mother. Had a meeting today about going back into school tomorrow. Fine in meeting but kicked off when he came home. Doesn't look like he's going in tomorrow. He is smoking weed which had totally changed his personality, attitude to school, relationship with family. Verbally abusive to his mother who is at her wits end. Nothing is the weeds fault, everything is his mother's fault. Wish I had some answers for you 💐

Do you think he could have ADHD OP? Or has the school ever raised it. Might explain the self-medicating and difficulties with motivation.

This is really tricky for you but I think you are doing the right thing by installing compassionate boundaries. Sounds like he could do with some support if there's any way to get him to engage.