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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Go to school or move out. AIBU?

187 replies

OhBitchPeas · 30/01/2023 08:26

I'm at the end of my tether.

My 16 year old son is lazy. He hasn't bothered turning up to school on time whatsoever this term.
The school have done nothing.

He got a weekend job, did the trial and didn't bother turning up the following week so lost his job.
His room is a tip and he does absolutely nothing round the house.

I reached my limit and cut his phone off (he can still make emergency calls) and internet.

In retaliation he said he's not going to school at all.

I informed the school and asked for support and I've had nothing back. They are worse than useless.

He isn't applying to college either.

He lazed around in his bed all last week.

This morning I said he can either go to school or leave the house and move out.

It's not fair that me and his dad work every day, his brothers are all at school, why does he get to have long showers, eat all our food, leave all our lights on and not do anything?!

Life doesn't work that way.

So I took his door key and I've asked him to leave (or go to school!). And he's leaving (but not yet, because it's only 8am. My heart bleeds).

i don't understand how we produced someone so lazy, we have always worked hard, his brother is a grafter, helps in the garden and renovations of the house to earn money, he's busting to be old enough to get a weekend job.

Has anyone else experienced this?!

OP posts:
whatchaos · 30/01/2023 11:56

nice, polite boys with nice parents.
What do these nice parents think of all their kids smoking weed?
What does your son say when you ask him to get his act together and have a useful routine/contribute to the household?
I can understand why you're in some despair, but it's would be helpful to know his perspective a bit - if he has one. If he's intelligent and reasonable, I'm sure he doesn't really want to be like this.

lieselotte · 30/01/2023 12:18

I would do the opposite of kicking him out. I'd ground him, make him do revision and online school (I assume there are still plenty of videos out there from covid times) and then he can't go out weeding and shagging. Once his GCSEs are out of the way you need to work out what he wants to do. A friend's son was a bit like this (not the weed and shagging bit, but the truanting bit) and now he's in his second year of an apprenticeship and doing really well.

I think throwing him out will only make things worse.

And yes I think it entirely plausible that someone would not be able to stay with a single friend, because their parents wouldn't allow it.

ACynicalDad · 30/01/2023 12:26

Maybe consider a formal complaint to school if they are not doing anything about his attendance, maybe even Ofsted. They need to support you on this.

CrazyLadie · 30/01/2023 12:30

Goldenbear · 30/01/2023 09:26

You say the parents of his friends are nice and polite but it is not their responsibility to take him in. Also, as a PP stated you need to do more than email the school. He is your son in year 11, you can't just give up on him. I have a DS in year 11 so I do understand that age but there is no way in hell I'd be passive about this. The weed obviously effects him differently to his friends so it will be the major cause of the apathy. That will only get worse. You can't wish him to be his brother, he's obviously not a grafter but laziness is not exactly out of the ordinary at 16. I work with someone who speaks about her teenagers in a similar way, she's always shocked that they don't want to be waitressing in a job on Saturday evening at 17 or they were late for their 9am Sunday start. She is unrealistic and unforgiving and they must pick up on her disdain, the husband is even worse with indicating what a disappointment they are. It is so negative and I can't imagine how it helps anything. Of course, it is frustrating but things like this aren't fixed overnight - you've got to get small wins unless you don't want a relationship with him. Does he talk to you, if not that would be my first aim.

Totally disagree with this, I had a job at 16 where I worked evenings over the summer then I got a job working evening and weekends while I went to college. This is just enabling them

CrazyLadie · 30/01/2023 12:31

Minimalme · 30/01/2023 09:37

I think you should contact Social Services and ask them to place him in care.

He is a child and it is your responsibility to keep him safe.

If you kick him out, he may see the error of his ways or he may end up homeless and subject to all the hideous stuff that can happen in that situation.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 do you not realise how ridiculous this is? He's 16 not 6!

CrazyLadie · 30/01/2023 12:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Totally agree, they are understand, have little resources and have kids with real issues to eb dealt with,not lazy little shits who won't do their chores 🙄

CrazyLadie · 30/01/2023 12:36

Orangepolentacake · 30/01/2023 10:16

How old are you?
also, have you tried to rent recently? 10000 people fighting for each property, a decent landlord (ie someone not looking for a vulnerable tenant) will not choose a 16yo

Show quote history

As he is under 16 the Council are legally obliged to house him

Sarahcoggles · 30/01/2023 12:36

NoDairyNoProblem · 30/01/2023 08:38

@OhBitchPeas you know this isn’t a plan don’t you?

He is 16. Where do you think he will go? How will he support himself?

Have you taken him to the GP?

Holy shit are you seriously suggesting lazy teenagers should be taken to the GP? I despair.

CrazyLadie · 30/01/2023 12:37

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Plenty people stand on their own feet fro the age of 16

blueberryb · 30/01/2023 12:38

No offence, with that nurturing attitude I think he be better off

Goldenbear · 30/01/2023 12:39

What are you disagreeing with, the fact that it is not the friend's parents to take him in or the fact that you are a lazy parent abdicating responsibilities for your child. What has having a job go to do with it, I had a job at 16 in 6th form college but my Mum wasn't threatening to lock me out! Also, he is in year 11 not 6th form college, my parents were concerned about achieving my GCSEs and their part in that despite being divorced. I went a bit wild in year 12 and guess what my Mum stepped up and didn't reject me. I eventually got a Masters degree, amazing career and very good life now. You stick with your children that's what you do, it is not a vanity project!

Shitfather · 30/01/2023 12:41

You've kicked out your 16 years old? Do you think that will end better than the current situation. Have you examined your ad DH’s role
in his behavior? This all sounds terrifying.

MyBubble · 30/01/2023 12:44

Naunet · 30/01/2023 08:54

Rubbish, I rented at 16, wasn’t a problem.

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And how many years ago was that ?

Goldenbear · 30/01/2023 12:48

CrazyLadie, plenty of people stand on their own two feet at 16? A) do they really, what are the stats on this, in 2023 or are you referring to 1983! B) what are the outcomes for these children in the long run, are they good?

I can't believe you are suggesting housing a 16 year old and the council's obligations, what about taking some responsibility for the children you decided to give birth to! Why is it always societies problem as you can't manage a conversation with your teenage son to see what the hell he is thinking!

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 30/01/2023 12:48

2reefsin30knots · 30/01/2023 08:32

Even if you have mental health problems, you can't just jack life in. That is not the solution. I don't think the OP is doing the wrong thing by taking action to get him off his arse.

I agree with this!

Goldenbear · 30/01/2023 12:51

Too little too late comes to mind though, how does the OP not even know the build up to this. I would know if my DS in year 11 was having sex, where is he even 'shagging' girls as the OP so respectfully put it.

Twins3007 · 30/01/2023 12:53

namechangeforthisbleep · 30/01/2023 08:47

This is why we've ended up with so many useless, fragile teenagers! Because everyone wants to brand bad behaviour on mental health problems ffs! He's just a lazy so and so! You've done the right thing

so true !

Goldenbear · 30/01/2023 12:53

And 'girls' plural in year 11, all since January this year so a month! None of this makes any sense. Where's the accountability for actions that must have started at 15.

Orangepolentacake · 30/01/2023 12:54

CrazyLadie · 30/01/2023 12:37

Plenty people stand on their own feet fro the age of 16

Show quote history

Yeah and they usually love it and have a grand old time and chose to be in that position because their families were too loving 🙄

Orangepolentacake · 30/01/2023 12:57

CrazyLadie · 30/01/2023 12:36

As he is under 16 the Council are legally obliged to house him

Show quote history

he’s not under 16
and if he were 6 months away from his 16th birthday, how would that be ok, anyway? As apparently the council will pick up the slack?

Goldenbear · 30/01/2023 13:00

namechangeforthisbleep, that's the problem though isn't it the OP hasn't done anything let alone the 'right thing' so basically the right thing is abdicating responsibilities as a parent and letting the DS's friends parents pick up the pieces of the OP's actions i.e sofa surfing or society as the council have an obligation to house him. If anything society has gone wrong as adults don't take responsibility for anything anymore including their own children's welfare. Bad behaviour it seems across the generations!

DustyOwl · 30/01/2023 13:04

I am wondering what the point of this thread is? You asked if you were being unreasonable, then argued with every single person who said you were. It’s seems as if you have already made up your mind.

Goldenbear · 30/01/2023 13:04

I mean has the OP mentioned once that they, i'm assuming the Dad is somewhere in the picture as he is a 'grafter' or is that the perfect peter brother, anyway no mention of a conversation with the teenager to establish the issues just out on your ear and do not pass Go!

neverbeenskiing · 30/01/2023 13:07

As he is under 16 the Council are legally obliged to house him

As he is under 18, if he presents to the council asking for housing they will contact the Multi Agency Safeguarding Hub (because a child is a child until 18 for the purposes of Safeguarding) and a social worker will call OP and tell her she needs to take responsibility for her child. The council will not just house him. Nor will he be taken into care as a pp suggested. There are not nearly enough Foster placements to accommodate the kids who have been removed from their parents by court order due to abuse, you cannot just decide to put your teenager in care because you're angry with them, however valid your reasons may be.

OP, call the school and ask to speak to a DSL. Tell them you have emailed and had no support and you want to speak to someone on the phone today about a safeguarding matter (use those words).
Be very honest. Tell them you no longer feel able to cope with your sons behaviour (use those exact words) and that due to his drug use and school refusal you have felt you have no other option but to kick him out. Tell them you are concerned he is at risk of harm (use those exact words) due to his drug taking, lack of engagement with school and casual sex which may well be un-protected placing him and any sexual partners at further risk of harm. Tell the DSL you would like the school to initiate the Early Help process. This means a member of the pastoral team would have to meet with you regularly, the meetings would be documented with clear actions and referrals made to agencies who could offer support. Tell them you would like them to refer your son to the local young people's substance misuse service. Tell them you would like an Attendance Officer or a member of the Pastoral Team to do a home visit to talk to him about school as your attempts as patents have not been successful.
The school will not condone you kicking your son out, or be able to arrange alternative care or accommodation for him in the event that you follow through with this. Also, as he is under 18 if you do kick him out they will be obliged to contact social services for advice. But they should be willing to put the above support in place. As a DSL, this is the bare minimum of what I would expect to offer in this situation.

tattygrl · 30/01/2023 13:43

You keep going on about things like "being a grafter", "we're out working", "it's not fair" - well newsflash, YOU need to be grafting, working hard and forgetting all about what's "fair". You have a 16 year old son, not a 26 year old son. He's a teenager, yes, and firm boundaries need to be put in place, but you're acting like this is some big unfair burden being put on you, when the rest of the family and yourself are "grafters", unlike your "lazy git" of a 16 year old. You're a parent, and parenting a hormonal, stroppy, inexperienced teenager is an integral part of parenting. Your attitude will be plain as day for your son to see and won't be helping at all. Get a grip and stop reveling in the judgement of his "laziness", and embrace being a parent. It doesn't stop when they stop being a kid.