Go to school or move out. AIBU?

[OhBitchPeas]

I'm at the end of my tether.

My 16 year old son is lazy. He hasn't bothered turning up to school on time whatsoever this term.
The school have done nothing.

He got a weekend job, did the trial and didn't bother turning up the following week so lost his job.
His room is a tip and he does absolutely nothing round the house.

I reached my limit and cut his phone off (he can still make emergency calls) and internet.

In retaliation he said he's not going to school at all.

I informed the school and asked for support and I've had nothing back. They are worse than useless.

He isn't applying to college either.

He lazed around in his bed all last week.

This morning I said he can either go to school or leave the house and move out.

It's not fair that me and his dad work every day, his brothers are all at school, why does he get to have long showers, eat all our food, leave all our lights on and not do anything?!

Life doesn't work that way.

So I took his door key and I've asked him to leave (or go to school!). And he's leaving (but not yet, because it's only 8am. My heart bleeds).

i don't understand how we produced someone so lazy, we have always worked hard, his brother is a grafter, helps in the garden and renovations of the house to earn money, he's busting to be old enough to get a weekend job.

Has anyone else experienced this?!

RudsyFarmer, how do you think living in a squat with influences (most likely) that are highly addictive helps? If he moves on to harder stuff he will be up shit creek ...DH has a friend who came from a really well off family, went to independent school but unlike his friends got addicted to harder drugs, he ended begging on the streets, homeless etc. His family paid for expensive, private rehab x 2 the second time worked but he was almost 30 then and frankly it has marked his life, his outcomes because hard drugs are addictive, it is nothing to do with choice, I wouldn't be willing encouraging the start of that life with my child.

Basically the choices are -
Kick him out and hope he learns his lesson and comes back.
Kick him out and he turns to drug dealing which could lead to worse drugs and he could become an addict and either in prison or dead.
It's your choice.....

Sublimeursula, hardly daft, it is the reality, he is the OP's child, you have to take some responsibility for your children.

“Tough love” implies some love… there’s very little of that in evidence here.

Your son didn’t get here overnight. Start taking some responsibility OP.

Things must have been going wrong for a long time for it to get to this stage. The way you seem to expect the school to deal with him and call them useless says it all really. You haven’t dealt with it and now the situation feels too big to cope with, you’re blaming others and threatening to throw him out. You should have actually parented him before and be continuing to parent him now.

Sublimeursula, oh sorry, I misunderstood that, yes, totally agree the social services will be useless and actually what has been tried to fix this, the OP has not indicates anything.

EWO will come round if not this week then next. I'm not sure kicking him out is the solution you're looking for though. You need a good conversation with him, amd actually listen to what he's saying. You may well it agree with it, but it's his view on life as it is at the moment. Then decide what to do from there.

From your posts OP you sound so fed up with your son , have you tried having a reasoned conversation with him when he hasn’t been smoking and you aren’t feeling really angry to try and find out why he is acting like this ?

Some of the things you mention, eg being lazy around the home are fairly typical for a lot of 16 year olds . I wonder did you try put your parenting foot down earlier , for example smoking weed on the first occasion would have been a major issue for me , and you can smell it lingering to their clothes so it’s not like it can slip by. Your reaction seems so extreme that I wonder if you have tried more things but they haven’t worked?

If his main issues at school have only started over the last few weeks , do you think he could be worried about his impending GCSEs. It will be the focus of most of his lessons at the moment , and teenage boys especially can pretend not to be scared of messing up their entire future by failing them now , so instead self sabotage because at least they feel in charge of that.

If so that’s when he really needs you to parent , not kick him out . Have you had in depth meetings with his safeguarding lead at school , and been honest about the weed etc? A message to say he is truant really isn’t enough , they need the whole picture to try and put help in place. It sounds like a really trying time , if you think his friends parents will take him in to sofa surf then I’m not sure what he will learn as I’m sure they would feed him and wash his clothes too. If they won’t take him in the only option would be sleeping rough and I can’t believe that’s what any parent would truly want for their child .

I hope you come to a better place with him soon .

CountTheTimes, has hit the nail on the head I think, what has been the build up to this and what were your interventions. I would say being a parent of a 14/15/16 year old is hard work sometimes, but the hard work has to be put in, the communication lines need to remain open and you really, really need to understand the way the teenage brain works. The infant/junior school years are the 'easy times' IMO, tastes and interests are Lego and Playmobil, they go to bed at 7/8, you know where they are. But with the mid teens in particular how are you going to influence them, ensure their safety as much as possible, get them to understand long term prospects, it is really hard work and you have to put the groundwork in, you can't just give up at 16 in year 11! What exactly do you think the school are going to do, take the problem away from you with their overly resourced services available to them. You certainly need to do more than an email but this is on you and his Dad? That he's not like his brother is completely irrelevant!

I know someone in this situation, but the parents (very well known to me) just watched him fall away bit by bit as they were losing him to the wrong crowd and drugs. They gave him far too much free run too young and this was the outcome. Now he is approaching GCSEs they have practically washed their hands of him and accept no responsibility for anything he does now. In their situation, they sadly put their own needs above his every time. That's why they are in this mess. He has a terrible relationship with them and all they do is scream at each other. I'm not suggesting this is your situation, only you know if you have put the work in or not.

How old are you?
also, have you tried to rent recently? 10000 people fighting for each property, a decent landlord (ie someone not looking for a vulnerable tenant) will not choose a 16yo

You sound at your wits end. Your a caring parent as you are trying so don’t kick yourself. 16 is a funny age. To be honest it sounds like he has had it all his own way for far to long. He does need to learn and I would start by removing all things he enjoys. No TV. No phone etc. he certainly wouldn’t be getting money. He shows u no respect and that is appalling.
cannabis is a depressant though. So he needs to knock that on the head.
call truant Officer for LEA in your area. They can advise. Don’t give in to any demands he makes. Good luck

DS has a friend where the parents are super strict and in all honesty, their expectations are unrealistic and it does mean he doesn't want to be there that much, he stays out of their way to avoid the nagging and so he will sleep over various friends' homes at the weekend. I actually think it is completely selfish of the parents as others pick up the slack and they wouldn't entertain having anyone over. I think expecting others to host him is incredibly lazy and means you both get out of tackling the responsibility of your son.

Please don't throw him out. Yes he'll stay at a friends house for a few days but then he'll be back and nothing will have changed. I've not been in your situation but my friend has. Her son (17) was doing a plumbing apprenticeship but stopped going. He was smoking weed and then went on to selling it (my friend found the stash). He had always been a lovely, kind, sensitive boy, struggled at school but he did go.
They arranged counselling for him and it was deemed that he was suffering severe anxiety and couldn't cope with life so he followed his friends into weed smoking and then dealing.
The counselling really helped and he turned his life around. Stopped smoking weed and stopped seeing those friends. He really thought about his future and what it would look like if he continued on that path. My friends, his parents, were completely supportive. He joined the RAF and is having a great life now.
I wish you all the very best for the future.

I know of a similar situation with some family members and they asked their son to leave. He didn't come back and things got gradually worse. Weed turned to heroin and he is now in prison.

Kick him out during the day and say he can come home at 8pm to sleep. No food, no snacks, no washing, nothing.

The weed and sex could be an attempt to self-medicate. Be open to the possibility he's got mental health issues going on.

If you're 100% sure there's no underlying issue, I think my parents' approach was fair. If you're not at school, you're working and paying your way. If you're at university or in training, you can live at home free but you're paying for your own expenses.

I have no advice as my children are younger, but just wanted to mention to be aware that to afford the weed, he might be buying in bulk and selling on to his mates, in effect dealing, which would get him into a hell of a lot of trouble if he got caught. You are probably aware, but I don't think 16-year-old boys are fully aware of the implications and consequences. He is also likely doing other drugs, but I have no idea what you can do about that. He's clearly made up his mind.

It's the weed.

And if hes gaming or on social media.

At this age I would still expect it's the parents job to get the kid ready and off to school/ college. But obviously depending on size of kid it could be difficult.

It sound like this isnt something new but something that has progresses over time. I cant imagine my kid waking up one day and acting like this.

I would expect to have been working at making them a productive human over the preceding years.

So making sure they help out at home from a young age. Making sure they do their homework.
If they get into drugs or wrong crowd- try and fix it then.

Stand your ground, he needs a reality life check.

Dont know how realistic it is.

But you have to get him off the weed and away from his current friends.