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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Go to school or move out. AIBU?

187 replies

OhBitchPeas · 30/01/2023 08:26

I'm at the end of my tether.

My 16 year old son is lazy. He hasn't bothered turning up to school on time whatsoever this term.
The school have done nothing.

He got a weekend job, did the trial and didn't bother turning up the following week so lost his job.
His room is a tip and he does absolutely nothing round the house.

I reached my limit and cut his phone off (he can still make emergency calls) and internet.

In retaliation he said he's not going to school at all.

I informed the school and asked for support and I've had nothing back. They are worse than useless.

He isn't applying to college either.

He lazed around in his bed all last week.

This morning I said he can either go to school or leave the house and move out.

It's not fair that me and his dad work every day, his brothers are all at school, why does he get to have long showers, eat all our food, leave all our lights on and not do anything?!

Life doesn't work that way.

So I took his door key and I've asked him to leave (or go to school!). And he's leaving (but not yet, because it's only 8am. My heart bleeds).

i don't understand how we produced someone so lazy, we have always worked hard, his brother is a grafter, helps in the garden and renovations of the house to earn money, he's busting to be old enough to get a weekend job.

Has anyone else experienced this?!

OP posts:
GooseberryCinnamonYogurt · 31/01/2023 08:52

OhBitchPeas · 30/01/2023 08:26

I'm at the end of my tether.

My 16 year old son is lazy. He hasn't bothered turning up to school on time whatsoever this term.
The school have done nothing.

He got a weekend job, did the trial and didn't bother turning up the following week so lost his job.
His room is a tip and he does absolutely nothing round the house.

I reached my limit and cut his phone off (he can still make emergency calls) and internet.

In retaliation he said he's not going to school at all.

I informed the school and asked for support and I've had nothing back. They are worse than useless.

He isn't applying to college either.

He lazed around in his bed all last week.

This morning I said he can either go to school or leave the house and move out.

It's not fair that me and his dad work every day, his brothers are all at school, why does he get to have long showers, eat all our food, leave all our lights on and not do anything?!

Life doesn't work that way.

So I took his door key and I've asked him to leave (or go to school!). And he's leaving (but not yet, because it's only 8am. My heart bleeds).

i don't understand how we produced someone so lazy, we have always worked hard, his brother is a grafter, helps in the garden and renovations of the house to earn money, he's busting to be old enough to get a weekend job.

Has anyone else experienced this?!

Sounds like my son 20 years ago, and despite trying everything, he's still doing nothing. You have my sympathy and I hope you have a better outcome.

GooseberryCinnamonYogurt · 31/01/2023 08:53

OhBitchPeas · 30/01/2023 08:42

Anxious and depressed?

No.

He smokes weed, shags girls and has very late nights.

And the school thing has happened since the start of term.
He doesn't give a crap about GCSE's and just wants to socialise.

He is not anxious or depressed, he simply prioritises his social life and girls.

It's the weed, numbs them, makes them high then low, and I speak sadly from experience.

BungleandGeorge · 31/01/2023 09:06

He’s 16, a child, it’s still your responsibility to house him and to sort his behaviour out. And not by pushing it onto the school or one of his friend’s parents. I’d say the problem is the weed, It can be very damaging to developing brains. Personally I’d ensure no access to money. Ask the school to refer you to early help

Original poster
OhBitchPeas · 31/01/2023 10:24

NoDairyNoProblem · 31/01/2023 07:54

Did your son come home last night @OhBitchPeas ?

No, I felt sick that he wasn't home.

But I can see where he is and where he is staying on Find My IPhone.

DH did call him and ask where he was staying, he told him to come home and go to school tomorrow.
He said he isn't going to school.

I had a meeting with this school this morning, they are inviting him in to school on Thursday for a chat. I think he will go.
And I think it will be helpful to go without us as I knows he is cross with us now (because the lack of phone more than anything!) and I'm hoping without us there he can be honest with them and feel free to speak.

Fingers crossed.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhBitchPeas · 31/01/2023 10:25

(Although I'm hoping he is back before then!)
He has no clean clothes and no tooth brush and despite his laziness and state of his room, he's a very clean person.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 31/01/2023 10:29

you need to get him off the weed, before he writes of the next half century of his life

Emmamoo89 · 31/01/2023 10:32

Sounds like he needs support x

maeveiscurious · 31/01/2023 10:41

Perhaps the Army

Thunderpunt · 31/01/2023 10:55

Have you taken his phone off him? How can you see where he is on find my iPhone?

MeridaBrave · 31/01/2023 11:02

Unless you are in Scotland, the school leaving age is the end of June in the academic year you turn 16. So if he doesn’t go to school YOU are committing a criminal offence and can theoretically end up in prison.

I’d be speaking to the school and the truancy officer from the LA to cover yourself.

PennyRa · 31/01/2023 11:45

So instead of getting help for your mentally unwell child you are going to make him even more vulnerable and possibly force him into a life of crime.

He is a product of his upbringing, you can't just wash your hands of him

Beachloveramy · 31/01/2023 11:55

I don’t know why you are getting such a bashing.
All I can say is SNAP! Except my son is only 15 so I can’t kick him out.

All sounds very similar, we both work, have always set a good example, has two younger brothers. He engages in lessons when he’s at school but would rather be with girls, mates or smoking weed.

My DS comes home on time every night and nice and polite to me but his room is disgusting and if he has no plans he’ll lay in bed all morning and play Xbox all afternoon.

The comment about stopping allowance was hilarious 😂 teenagers are resourceful, they will buy and sell to fund their habit.

I have also offered my DS support, TAMHS etc etc but he’s declined everything so that’s not the answer either.

I say go for it!!

Janieread · 31/01/2023 12:05

PennyRa · 31/01/2023 11:45

So instead of getting help for your mentally unwell child you are going to make him even more vulnerable and possibly force him into a life of crime.

He is a product of his upbringing, you can't just wash your hands of him

She's not washing her hands of him. She's taking drastic steps in the hope she'll get through to him.

Janieread · 31/01/2023 12:06

MeridaBrave · 31/01/2023 11:02

Unless you are in Scotland, the school leaving age is the end of June in the academic year you turn 16. So if he doesn’t go to school YOU are committing a criminal offence and can theoretically end up in prison.

I’d be speaking to the school and the truancy officer from the LA to cover yourself.

She's told the school he's truanting and they don't seem to care.

Original poster
OhBitchPeas · 31/01/2023 12:10

Thanks for the kind messages both on here and the PM's.
I really appreciate it.

Im hoping he is home by tomorrow, I will update in case anyone is in the same situation in the future and searches threads.
I know the first thing I do is search MN threads before I post to see if anyone's posted the same thing in the past.

OP posts:
Lavendersage · 31/01/2023 12:22

Just wanted to add to this an experience I’ve had that sounds similar..

My younger sister was a bit like this a couple of years ago, not as extreme as your son as she would still go to school but was putting no effort in, skipping classes, not interested in anything other than going to raves doing god knows what, drugs, sleeping with boys, and being “lazy”.

Turns out she was hiding a very serious case of anorexia. It was all destructive behaviour as a direct result of her mental health. I know others have said that the mental health card is played too often for lazy teenagers and I do agree, it seems everyone has a label of some sort these days.. but just keep your mind open that it could be self sabotage due to mental health.

I too struggle with anxiety and depression and when I’ve had big flare ups in the past, I lose all interest in anything and to an outsider would appear very lazy.

My sister ended up going to counselling, she had no choice as her physical health was deteriorating and she was under 18. it is different to your sons situation, but maybe if the school have a counsellor or something it might be worth looking into? To find out WHY he’s feeling this way, especially if it’s come on quite suddenly.

totally get your frustration with it, and I don’t yet have teenagers but just wanted to chip in as it’s something to consider.

Original poster
OhBitchPeas · 31/01/2023 17:58

Guess who just walked through the door?

Infuriatingly still saying the same "Im Joy going to school unless you switch my phone back on"

Assuming he was good to come back because they are striking tomorrow.

Anyway, we have come to an agreement.
He has a meeting with the school at 9am on Thursday to discuss an arrangement with them to get him into school.
I told him if he agrees to this, he can stay here (I knew full well he would agree, I want him to stay here and he wants to stay here!).

He swears blind that he hasn't been smoking weed recently because he's run out of Christmas money.

He thinks week has nothing to do with him being demotivated. I disagree, but I'm not going to argue.

I feel like now I have the school aware, onboard and wanting him back in will be a massive help.

OP posts:
moggiek · 31/01/2023 22:10

Good to hear, OBP. Tough love is real love, and you’re doing great.

Fraaahnces · 31/01/2023 23:23

I would tell him he would get his phone switched back on after a month of continuous school attendance, no weed, and decent behaviour and engagement at home.

PollyPut · 31/01/2023 23:30

lieselotte · 30/01/2023 12:18

I would do the opposite of kicking him out. I'd ground him, make him do revision and online school (I assume there are still plenty of videos out there from covid times) and then he can't go out weeding and shagging. Once his GCSEs are out of the way you need to work out what he wants to do. A friend's son was a bit like this (not the weed and shagging bit, but the truanting bit) and now he's in his second year of an apprenticeship and doing really well.

I think throwing him out will only make things worse.

And yes I think it entirely plausible that someone would not be able to stay with a single friend, because their parents wouldn't allow it.

A lot of sense here.

@OhBitchPeas do you know how old the girls are? Is it possible they're underage? Does he understand the implications of that.

If he's turfed out then he could end up in all the wrong places. No guarantee he will come home.

Also - one thought - your texts to school saying "he's truanting" might be misconstrued as you giving approval that he hasn't gone to school. I would make those longer explaining what you've done to get him in

worstusernameeverx2 · 31/01/2023 23:57

He needs your support not punishment. You're meant to be there for him when he's confused about his feelings, anxious, depressed etc. right now you're just against him on every level

worstusernameeverx2 · 31/01/2023 23:59

OhBitchPeas · 30/01/2023 08:42

Anxious and depressed?

No.

He smokes weed, shags girls and has very late nights.

And the school thing has happened since the start of term.
He doesn't give a crap about GCSE's and just wants to socialise.

He is not anxious or depressed, he simply prioritises his social life and girls.

God you sound an awful parent tbh. Sorry. That can be the product of his feelings. He's nowhere near got a fully developed brain and you're expecting him to be completely in control of himself with no emotional support whatsoever

worstusernameeverx2 · 01/02/2023 00:09

namechangeforthisbleep · 30/01/2023 08:47

This is why we've ended up with so many useless, fragile teenagers! Because everyone wants to brand bad behaviour on mental health problems ffs! He's just a lazy so and so! You've done the right thing

No, we end up with so many 'lazy' teenagers because everyday feelings of anxiousness are not addressed, the relationship with parents is damaged when they learn over their childhood that the people who are meant to be nurturing them are not really bothered about them unless they're in a happy smiley mood or are doing well in all aspects of life (school, the correct friendship groups, the correct hobbies). In real life, people make bad decisions and struggle in different ways for years at a time, it's normal. If they don't have at least one person who will constantly offer non judgemental support then the cycle will continue for decades. Anxiousness isn't a mental health issue, it's an everyday occurrence for loads of people. Usually it makes teenagers 'lazy' because staying in their room, smoking weed and hanging round with people in similar situations to them is easier and more comforting than anything the parent can provide.

itswednesdayy · 01/02/2023 00:16

Your son could have mental health issues at play which he’s covering up by smoking drugs and ignoring his routine. I disagree that his behaviour is indicative of him not being overwhelmed/stressed/anxious/depressed. Him acting out in itself could be a symptom. His actions aren’t really normal or that of a healthy teen.

loads of teens smoke and have sex and have late nights. But they don’t usually refuse to go to school nor are they threatened with homelessness.

itswednesdayy · 01/02/2023 00:19

Does he have friends at school?