Go to school or move out. AIBU?

[OhBitchPeas]

I'm at the end of my tether.

My 16 year old son is lazy. He hasn't bothered turning up to school on time whatsoever this term.
The school have done nothing.

He got a weekend job, did the trial and didn't bother turning up the following week so lost his job.
His room is a tip and he does absolutely nothing round the house.

I reached my limit and cut his phone off (he can still make emergency calls) and internet.

In retaliation he said he's not going to school at all.

I informed the school and asked for support and I've had nothing back. They are worse than useless.

He isn't applying to college either.

He lazed around in his bed all last week.

This morning I said he can either go to school or leave the house and move out.

It's not fair that me and his dad work every day, his brothers are all at school, why does he get to have long showers, eat all our food, leave all our lights on and not do anything?!

Life doesn't work that way.

So I took his door key and I've asked him to leave (or go to school!). And he's leaving (but not yet, because it's only 8am. My heart bleeds).

i don't understand how we produced someone so lazy, we have always worked hard, his brother is a grafter, helps in the garden and renovations of the house to earn money, he's busting to be old enough to get a weekend job.

Has anyone else experienced this?!

I can see how difficult it would be for op but at 16 it’s crossroads decisions by parents that could mean different a life

He is effectively still a child and will be compulsory school age until the end of June which I am pretty sure means he won’t be allowed to get a full time job even if he wanted to. How is he supposed to support himself? He is your responsibility OP.

He won't be able to legally get a Full Time job until he's 18, assuming OP is in the UK. Kids can still leave school at 16 but must be in some form of education, apprenticeship or similar until 18.

@MarshaBradyo I just realised there was meant to be more to my post.
The other option is of course to talk to him, listen to him and help him.

Well as they say in Scotland "he didn't lick it off a stone" aka "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree"
You are willing to wash your hands off the hard work of parenting, walking away when the going gets tough, wanting the easier life... ring a bell?
It should.

Either this has just happened this week - in which case you're behaving horribly in your ultimatum
Or
There has been ongoing issues for a while/year/years in which case your parenting has been let's say questionable.

I have been where you are, it's massively frustrating, and unfair to the family, it's hugely stressful.
My dd done nothing for around 6/7 months, her mental health declined after covid, but it wasn't obvious it was anxiety and depression, it came across as being a lazy pain in the arse.
My dd is now in college, and volunteers for a local group, to get work experience, she's a lot more positive and has future plans, throwing him out won't do any good , once I took a calm approach, left dd to get on with it, she came to me for support, maybe you're ds will be the same.
I don't give her money, though I pay for her phone, she's sold some stuff on vinted and ebay, and occasional babysitting.
Don't give up on him sorting himself out.
My dds school were as supportive as they could be, but there's not much they can do either, they did say so many children have been like this since returning after covid.
Good luck, it's not easy at all, maybe make a Dr appointment he can go into himself, my dd found this very helpful.

Okay not everything is about mental health

Sounds like he needs a kick up the backside to me.

Lay out clearly that its time for him to decide what hes going to do with his life if hes given up on school. Do it now or god help you when he gets into his 20s and wont work or go to school

Take him to school
pick him up from school
adjust your hours to ensure he is supervised untill he is in the door of school.
is someone home with him ,when he’s not in school ?
needs to be kept busy ,at clubs ,karate,hockey,football
keep him busy and engaged and he will be to tired for weed
they don’t bring themselves up ,you do have to put time and effort in to raising teenagers
clubs ,activities,driving and picking them up
spending time together at home ,being part of a family cooking together.
days out at weekends…or are u just leaving him to his own devices???

IME, you absolutely can jack life in when you have mental health problems. Anyone who says you can’t or the “I had problems and carried on, I had no choice” mantra hasnt seen the worst of where mental health problems can take you imho.

I was in the process of ending life when the police scooped me up and sectioned me. All this “tough love” to get people “off their arse” isn’t ever a solution, I could contenance, because if the mental health problems are severe there is high risk that it will push you from where you feel safe to where you now have every reason to jack life in permanently, and no reason to continue.

Can’t now, have to be 18 and even then have to have a guarantor.

I'm amazed everyone has immediately jumped to mental health problems.

Aren't people allowed to be lazy skivers on drugs any more?

I’m incredulous at the people saying ‘make’ him do homework and join him up to clubs. You do realise he’s probably taller than the OP. I think some people reply on MN to threads about teenagers when they have a chubby 2 year old. It’s a lot harder than it looks. And yes, I know plenty on this thread have teenagers too, in which case it’s good to bear in mind that it’s hard, teenagers can be hard work and it’s draining. Hang in there OP, hope you’ve had a good day today. Sometimes it can take a relatively small thing to turn things around.

I don’t think you should give him that ultimatum. Because you can’t follow it through. He has nowhere to go and no money. He doesn’t have the means to move out.

It’s also not going to do much for the relationship between the two of you. Which is what you need to work on.

I expect he has gaming gear to come home to as well? That would have disappeared by the time he returns.

I would tread carefully with kicking him out. You still have a legal parental responsibility until he is 18. His school can flag a safe guarding issue through this. You could also be persecuted for not legally meeting his needs.

If he chooses to leave on his own accord that is fine and he is legally able to do that.

Don't leave yourself open to SS involvement, document everything

Rather than trying to legally cover your back why not just step up and try some form of parenting a 16 year old. It may not be about taking every single thing he enjoys away, I don't mean weed when I say that but you need to get him to listen to you and at this age he needs to trust you first, taking everything away won't achieve that.

To answer a few messages, those who haughtily told me that I am "washing my hands of parenting him"
Did you just read my Op and go hell for leather?
I said repeatedly that I expect him home within three days when his clothes are all
dirty and he needs me to wash them.
His room will be here waiting.

Someone else suggested I physically take him to school and collect him.
First up, he's 6'2" and absolutely solid from all the gym workouts he's does (and I pay for) how am I supposed to physically get him out of bed and in the car?

Those who have all assumed that I haven't bothered to converse with him.
I have been incredibly supportive of him, but it was the straw that broke the camels back when he screwed up that job through laziness and prioritising his social life and stopped bothering to attend tutor and his room was constantly a tip
despite me telling him several times a day to clean it up.
Again, this is all because he is prioritising his social life and having late nights and being too tired to get up in the morning.
I have tried to address this numerous times since the start of term - one of them
being cutting off the internet!

School finally responded and I'm meeting with them on Wednesday.

Scrap that.
they are striking that day.
At some point I will be meeting with school.

Perhaps if I push it to the end of the week, he will be back already.

The thing is, if it’s coming across that you see him as a scrounger and a waster, that’s not going to encourage him to pitch in at home really. The more you work in your relationship, the more influence you will have. Going head to head with him isn’t going to work.

No, you can’t force him to go to school. How about backing off and letting him figure it out? But don’t give him money for weed and a social life, make it something he has to earn?