Go to school or move out. AIBU?

[OhBitchPeas]

I'm at the end of my tether.

My 16 year old son is lazy. He hasn't bothered turning up to school on time whatsoever this term.
The school have done nothing.

He got a weekend job, did the trial and didn't bother turning up the following week so lost his job.
His room is a tip and he does absolutely nothing round the house.

I reached my limit and cut his phone off (he can still make emergency calls) and internet.

In retaliation he said he's not going to school at all.

I informed the school and asked for support and I've had nothing back. They are worse than useless.

He isn't applying to college either.

He lazed around in his bed all last week.

This morning I said he can either go to school or leave the house and move out.

It's not fair that me and his dad work every day, his brothers are all at school, why does he get to have long showers, eat all our food, leave all our lights on and not do anything?!

Life doesn't work that way.

So I took his door key and I've asked him to leave (or go to school!). And he's leaving (but not yet, because it's only 8am. My heart bleeds).

i don't understand how we produced someone so lazy, we have always worked hard, his brother is a grafter, helps in the garden and renovations of the house to earn money, he's busting to be old enough to get a weekend job.

Has anyone else experienced this?!

What a smug stupid post.

Just on a practical level OP, if he doesn't go on to college or training then you would lose your child benefit for him, that is the 'sanction' for not continuing in education post 16. Also if he is Y11 and has not got a destination post GCSEs then hopefully his school would have an 'at risk of NEET (not in ed, employment or training)' list that he should be on and would then get more support to look at his options and also link him in with post 16 support in this area.

Sorry, OP, but you’re being naive and black and white in your thinking. These sudden changes don’t just happen, there is usually a chain of events in the lead up and culmination of behaviour and you sound very unsupportive and ignorant.

Has he been bullied at school, or made to feel victimised by staff/students and given up going?

Does he have underlying depression that might have resulted in his drug habit?

Have you been pressuring him over GCSE’s and he can’t cope? Or is/ was he anxious about them and decided to give up on them to relieve pressure?

Has he got any undiagnosed neurodiversity?

I hate this dismissive attitude of ‘just a lazy waster,’ it’s unhelpful and seldom the case.

Bear in mind that males are often reluctant to admit if they are struggling so you won’t necessarily be aware of it.

Can it not just be he's smoking a load of weed and the effects make him demotivated?

Quite. A few posters on Mumsnet seem not to have come across this before though so are desperately trying to cram him into a box labelled Undiagnosed Trauma

It’s a possibility, yes, in which case OP needs to address that, but the point being that he’s obviously started smoking weed because his mates are doing it, and possibly also because something else is a play.

There has to be some reason why he behaves like he does is my point.

To jump to ‘’he’s just lazy’’ is absolutely daft. The possibilities need to be explored.

I can't believe what a hard time OP is getting. So many posters instantly jumped to the idea that it had to be MH. I disagree, it doesn't need to be. I agree, he won't go homeless, he'll stay at a mates house until they or their parents get fed up.

Do yourself a favour though OP and make sure you do send a long email to school, HoY, so it's all documented.

It doesn’t NEED to be, but often there is something going on, whatever it might be. There’s so many possibilities and to just dismiss it as lazy is short sighted and that’s my point.

There’s a decent possibility, for example, that he finds the pressure of his GCSE’s too overwhelming and has taken to smoking weed and avoiding revising instead.

Or, as other people have pointed out, he’s just got in with the wrong crowd. His weed smoking mates still go to school or have jobs though? Which might mean there’s other things at play.

He’s a teenage boy and to them, this time of their life involves a lot of pressure. Schools make out that your GCSE’s are the be all and end all of your future, I know mine did. Sometimes that has the opposite effect when someone doesn’t believe in themselves.

I don't know what to say except it would drive me to my limit too. Good luck OP hopefully he'll see what a drop out he's being.
Can you speak to the parents of his friends so they know both sides of the story if he turns up there with a sob story

Aren't people allowed to be lazy skivers on drugs any more?

Maybe people never were just lazy skivers on drugs.

The council are legally obliged to do lots of things doesn’t mean it happens quickly or at all

YABU

You can’t kick your 16 y/o child out as punishment for being lazy.

Teens are lazy.
Your son is taking the piss.
But you would be a lazy and irresponsible parent for kicking him out and making him everyone else’s problem.

Ultimately you cannot physically pick him up and drag him into school.

You did the right thing by asking the school for help and they’ll hopefully send someone out soon, who will go into his room and talk to him and hopefully he’ll be embarrassed by the state of it.

I would not kick him out and repeat that he needs to go to school as he doesn’t want to be the only one of his friends who can’t afford nice clothes or a car etc.

Do not keep on at him as it’s only going to make you more angry.

Just do not give him any money or buy him anything.

He is going to eventually want new clothes, deodorant, money to go out etc and you say no not until he goes school like everyone else has to.
It may take a few weeks but sometimes you need to play the long game for it to be effective.

I agree, he won't go homeless, he'll stay at a mates house until they or their parents get fed up.

So OP passes him off to another parent to deal with?
To use their electricity, food, shower etc. all of which has doubled in price, whilst OP still gets her CB for him.

That’s very unfair on them and piss poor parenting.

I don’t think you’ve washed your hands of him. I can see you are at the end of your tether. Thank Goodness school have now responded.
I’ve been through something similar ( though no drugs involved)with my son; I love him to bits but had to get tough.
He’s come through it , went to college then uni as an older student , and now works hard at his job.

I think teenage years are THE worst , as a parent. You can’t do right for doing wrong! You can’t MAKE them do anything… they’re too big to physically make them do it, so shock tactics are all that’s left. Nobody wants their kids homeless by choice.
Hang on in there, just be there for him ,and hopefully it’ll all soon dawn on him.

OP, do you know how gangs and drug dealers get people to join? In this scenario most of the time, 'chicken shop' grooming as well. Usually playing on the gang/dealers all being 'family' when real family cannot be/do not want to be around.

At 17, we took on an apprentice at work. We had a really open environment and he was really resentful about the lack of family time and felt like his family no longer cared. He also smoked weed in his personal time and was a shit for his mum.

I would really recommend some family counseling before this gets much more out of hand.

So many people jumping to conclusions. Why the obsession with "diagnosing" a mental health issue?

Some teenagers are just lazy, entitled little shits. There was one in my extended family. No mental health crap at all, just the wrong attitude despite a very good upbringing. Still reaping the consequences, eg no GCSEs, in their 30s.

OP, I would give an ultimatum and throw him out for a while. He will sink or swim but it will be his choice entirely.

Yabu op he's 16 you've enable the behaviour now sort it out don't kick the child out.

Enabled even

Tbh I don’t know what I would do. Teenagers are hard work.

Did your son come home last night @OhBitchPeas ?

@Untitledsquatboulder nope it's not.
Op is willing to relinquish her parenting responsibilities & essentially "play chicken " with her son, that he will come home.
I very very much doubt it.

Piss poor parenting. Not smug. Incisive and accurate.

Where have loads of posters jumped to MH problems, I mean it is a possibility but those against the actions of the OP have not all said MH problems. I can't imagine being so blase about whether my son was sleeping on the streets last night, I literally have a year 11 son and I literally can't comprehend how you can justify that and no he is currently not getting up due to staying up late to get some work submitted, I have teams meetings soon, this is incredibly frustrating but I'm not about to give him an ultimatum whereby one choice is to leave him today - ridiculous and irresponsible! And yes, my DS loves his social life, but at the end of the day his nearly 16, I actually still can remember what that is like, I'm early 40s so I still hang on to that memory and can empathise.

It is not his friends' parents' responsibility - I can't begin to imagine accepting that and the corresponding embarrassment I would feel for neglecting my parental duties.

God, when people refer to children as 'little shits' you begin to realise where it went wrong.

Be careful assuming this.