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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset and annoyed that ds's gf of 6 years has chucked him, leaving him devastated and not giving any real honest reason?

234 replies

McWoman · 29/01/2023 13:50

Hi
My son (22yrs) has been chucked by his gf after a 6yr relationship. They didnt live together, and for the last year it was a long distance relationship as he took up a great new job in London, but they had plans for a future together. Now she has changed her mind, with no reasons given, and he has come home, totally devastated and extremely depressed. I would never get involved, but feel totally helpless, out of my depth, and unsure of how to get him out of his current mindset. I have suggested he seeks counselling through his work. Any other suggestions?

OP posts:
HoldingTheDoor · 29/01/2023 13:52

He probably just needs time, like most people. It's a bit early to think of counseling. Unless there are other issues going on?

DuplicateUserName · 29/01/2023 13:53

Relationships fizzle out sadly.

I'm not sure there's much you can do except be there for him, in the same way you'd be there for anyone close to you who's going through a relationship break up.

DuplicateUserName · 29/01/2023 13:53

HoldingTheDoor · 29/01/2023 13:52

He probably just needs time, like most people. It's a bit early to think of counseling. Unless there are other issues going on?

Yes, I thought that too.

stripedsox · 29/01/2023 13:54

Being there for him if he wants to talk. First big relationship break up for him a totally new experience but we all have to deal with it in our own way.
Does he have any friends he could confide in, may be go out with him and talk somewhere neutral?

Iwillhavealargeone · 29/01/2023 13:55

So they started a relationship at 16
They've grown up and apart
Yes it's sad but it's life
Why does everything need counselling
Yes he's devastated but it's a normal reaction to a sad situation

LaLuz7 · 29/01/2023 13:55

Give him time. Getting over your first major heartbreak is a rite of passage. He'll live. Just be there for him abd listen if he wants to vent.

Howeverdoyouneedme · 29/01/2023 13:56

Most people have had this at some point in their life. It feels shit, but you get over it with time.
I don’t know why you’d be annoyed; it’s not your relationship. Also, isn’t it fairly obvious why people who’ve been together since their teens might split up?

Iwillhavealargeone · 29/01/2023 13:56

I'm sorry but what other explanation is there
They've grown apart

titchy · 29/01/2023 13:56

If they've been together since they were 16 it's hardly surprising. And she didn't need to give a reason btw. It should be obvious though that they've simply grown up now and she doesn't feel the way she did as a teen.

Way to early to suggest counselling. Let him cry, talk, but to suggest counselling suggests you don't think he can cope with this very very common event that happens to millions of people every day, that he will deal with in time, and will probably happen to him again.

fairtrauchled · 29/01/2023 13:56

Agree with PP it's too early for counselling.Just let him know you're there for him if he needs to talk. Encourage him to get out and meet up with his friends and not be sitting in the house all the time feeling miserable.

Whinge · 29/01/2023 13:56

I'm sure there's a reason, even if he hasn't shared it with you. It's hard when a long relationship ends, but they've been together for a long time, especially as he's only 22. Relationships that start in teens rarely last as people grow apart, move away or want to meet other people.

The best thing to do is offer support and be a listening ear if he wants to talk.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 29/01/2023 13:56

I think counselling is a little extreme unless you have other reasons to be worried about his mental health.

It's never nice when a relationship ends but he just needs to give it time. He's only 22 - it would be highly unusual for him to stay with the person who he got with aged 16 for life - especially considering he chose to move and make the relationship long-distance.

He'll be fine - he just needs patience.

DashboardConfessional · 29/01/2023 13:57

Reasons don't make it any better. I tried and tried not to hurt my ex at 19 when I ended things long-distance, but he had an argument for every reason I gave, so in the end I had to just tell him I'd met now-DH.

MyFlagMeansIceCream · 29/01/2023 13:58

She may well have given him a reason, just not one he wants to accept. She doesn't owe him an explanation that he is happy with, if she doesn't want to be in a relationship any more with him then that IS the reason.

LIZS · 29/01/2023 13:58

Things change, especially at that age. Maybe she has moved on, maybe your ds has behaved differently towards her, only they really know. Support him to come to terms with it.

Starlitestarbright · 29/01/2023 13:58

You're annoyed, she's been in a relationship with your son since she was 15/16. I think she's entitled to leave if she's not feeling the same anymore and see the world before tieing herself down completely from such a young age. He will get over it eventually.

Maray1967 · 29/01/2023 13:58

Iwillhavealargeone · 29/01/2023 13:55

So they started a relationship at 16
They've grown up and apart
Yes it's sad but it's life
Why does everything need counselling
Yes he's devastated but it's a normal reaction to a sad situation

Exactly this. Most of us have gone through similar. It’s hard but it’s a normal part of growing up.
Give him lots of sympathy but he needs to work his way through this.

Testina · 29/01/2023 13:59

They were 16! More surprised they were still together than they’ve split up.
I hope you’re not demonising her to him with this no “real honest reason” nonsense.
It’s obvious why. They’re barely adults now, but they chose each other as children. He’s moved away which has given her the space to realise she doesn’t really miss him.
There is no “real honest reason” to give that would satisfy him. They’ve just grown apart - and grown up.

Counselling yes, but not to focus on being dumped, but on why being dumped has had such an extreme effect on him.

StreamingCervix · 29/01/2023 13:59

I think maybe you are the person who needs counselling if you feel peeved with others for not being in a relationship they don’t wish to be in.

EyesOnThePies · 29/01/2023 13:59

Poor boy!

I can’t bear to see my kids hurt and rejected, but in the end it is a fact of life.

She doesn’t have to give a reason, but a 22 yo, in a LDR, hasn’t had any other serious relationship since they were 16 is very young to be settling down . The truth is she has probably decided to spread her wings a bit or even met someone else and us too cowardly to say.

He has a lot of positives to focus on if he has a new career, new job, new work colleagues and social life.

Listen to him, offer your shoulder to cry on, listen for any underlying upsets or difficulties, and gently encourage him, when appropriate, to explore other opportunities in his life, friends, social, hobbies, work.

Remona · 29/01/2023 14:00

He simply needs time. It will pass.

Think back to how you were when you were a teenager. It was the end of the world when you got dumped for want of a better word.

He is too young to be thinking of settling down anyway. Give it a couple of months and he’ll be a different lad.

viques · 29/01/2023 14:01

Maybe the “great new job in London” made them realise they were looking for different things in life. He wanted to move away and was presumably enjoying his new life choice , perhaps she felt as though she had been left in a left luggage locker for the times he needed to pop back home.

People change, especially in their late teens and twenties. At least they haven’t got to sort out the mess of sorting shared belongings, flat rental, children, pets etc.

Blufelt · 29/01/2023 14:03

If she hasn’t given a reason it’s likely the reason is hurtful. She obviously thought it was kinder not to go into it. Maybe she’s met someone else. Or doesn’t want to be long distance. Or doesn’t fancy him any more. Or he’s not earning enough compared to others. Maybe he’s not hot enough. Or not fit enough. Or he’s crap in bed. Or she wants a bigger dick. You will never know and it’s not relevant. Just support him and encourage him to move on.

toastofthetown · 29/01/2023 14:04

What reason would help though? There might not be any reason there than the one she has already given - that she's changed her mind. You seem way too involved in your adult's son's relationships.

crumpet · 29/01/2023 14:06

She doesn’t have to give any reason. Yes it’s nice if there is a discussion, but it’s not obligatory. She doesn’t want to be in a relationship with him - that’s all it is. Everything else is peripheral- whether she’s met someone else, can’t adopts the travel, doesn’t like a LDR, it all boils down to her not wanting the relationship anymore. Which is sad. But it’s life. They are so young.