Upset and annoyed that ds's gf of 6 years has chucked him, leaving him devastated and not giving any real honest reason?

[McWoman]

Hi
My son (22yrs) has been chucked by his gf after a 6yr relationship. They didnt live together, and for the last year it was a long distance relationship as he took up a great new job in London, but they had plans for a future together. Now she has changed her mind, with no reasons given, and he has come home, totally devastated and extremely depressed. I would never get involved, but feel totally helpless, out of my depth, and unsure of how to get him out of his current mindset. I have suggested he seeks counselling through his work. Any other suggestions?

Getting dumped sucks for everyone. Six years is a long time but he'll get over it in a while and realise that life goes on. No need to overthink the situation with counselling - a good night out with his best mates is more likely to help. Easier to accept that there was nothing he could have done to salvage things and move on.

He's got his whole life ahead of him at 22 and pining over a teenage relationship will eventually seem like a terrible decision.

He's also very very young to have been I. Such a long term relationship. Encourage him to find himself and be there when he needs you that's all you can do x

Well. If there's no real or honest reason, then obviously just have a word with her and make her take him back.

Of course she will have valid reasons.🤦‍♀️

I don't think there has to be anything 'wrong' with someone to get counselling. Anyone can seek counselling at any time. It's quite retrograde to argue otherwise.

I don't agree with all the pp saying she doesn't need to give a reason. If you're throwing somebody's life up into the air, it would at least be polite to give a reason.

So he’s away from work now? That’s not good.

Give him a few days of nice meals and walks every day.Watch some films together and generally give him a short while to get himself together. Then he needs to get back on it and he’ll understand that life goes on and grieving a relationship is a part of adulthood.

Encourage him to see his mates and make some plans for the weekends. He will recover quicker than he thinks.

There must have been a bit more info given, I can't imagine the conversarion where she ended it not having some. But even if it was 'Im just not happy any more' then that's ok.

It says 'real honest reason' meaning shes likely fobbed him with a bog standard 'I'm not ready for a relationship' or something similar. Could actually be the real reason or that the real reason would be far more hurtful and completely unnecessary to say.

I would bet good money that he knows the reason - he just disagrees with it, or doesn't want to tell his mother as it paints him in bad light.

Just not wanting to be in a relationship with him is a real honest reason. She doesn't owe it to anyone to stay in a relationship she doesn't want to.

It's shit, especially that first heartbreak but he'll get over it.

She’s probably found someone else whilst it’s been a long distance relationship and thinks he’d rather not be told that .

Encourage him to go back to work, moping at home is not going to help especially of she is in same area

This.

He needs time. Breakups happen, they're part of life. So is learning to deal with rejection.

I agree. There will be a reason, he just doesn't want to share it with his mum. Which isn't surprising give the OPs dramatic post.

So she has given a reason?

But not one you think is real or honest!

He must be upset. But I think you could support him better by not inferring he's entitled to a better reason. Quite possible she gave him one and he didn't tell you...

But OP doesn’t actually say no reason has been given.
In fact, her bleating about “real honest reasons” sounds like the woman has done for than just text, “see ya” to him.

What reasons are there, really?

In my 50+ years (so 35+ of dating) I’ve once dumped someone for a nice neat reason: he fucked a prostitute. Otherwise, every single person I have dumped - and who has dumped me - comes under “just not that into you”.

Maybe the reason is she doesn't love him or fancy him anymore, I mean that is everyone's reason when you boil it down

Heart break is awful but an inevitable part of growing up. Sounds like the probably grew apart on their transition from teenagers to adults. I’m would have been expecting it really.

He's doesn't need counselling OP. counselling isn't the answer, he needs to learn to grieve and be an adult about it. we've all gone though heartbreaks and managed to move on. He will be fine just support him and encourage him to not dwell and enjoy his life in London. X

What's you're AIBU? If it's to be annoyed at his ex for finishing the relationship then yes. You say she's given no reason but also say that he moved away (not together) because it suited him, oh and they've been together since they were kids. I think the relationship has just run its course.
'Support' him by all means but ensure that support hinges on him accepting the relationship is over and that that his feelings are transient. Don't make it the topic of conversation and don't ask every detail like 'what exactly did she say'. I think counselling is extreme unless you think his mental health is severely at risk. It's hard to watch someone else suffering but there's really nothing you can do. The majoritybof us have had our hearts broken....and recovered.

Indeed.

I remember my mother taking the same sort of line as the OP and saying - after my kid brother broke up with a long-term girlfriend (he was in the forces and she used to go round to visit my Mum, who thought, as a result, she was lovely), "I'm going to tell him not to bring anyone else home - you get to know and like a girl and then he breaks up with her!"

I did explain to my Mum that this was not a rational or reasonable view to have and that if the relationship wasn't working for him any more, he was not obliged to continue it.

OP - your reaction seems strange to me, but then perhaps you settled down with your first serious partner so wasn’t expecting this.

sadly, she doesn’t want to be with him and that’s a good enough and real reason. He might not have done anything wrong, she might not have met someone new, it could well just be she doesn’t want to be with him anymore now they are older and grown up. That’s a real reason.

get your ds back to work. He’ll more likely move on if he gets on with life. (Discourage him making any big decisions in the next month or so)

Most people have breakups long before reaching the age of 22, and often you learn that :

a) your perceptions of the people you were in love with at 16 change dramatically in the cold hard light of reaching 19 or 22

b) tearful nights crying into your pillow and reading over every card and text they ever sent looking for clues as to why they dumped you is not nearly as much fun as going out with your mates and seeing what life has to offer

c) it is possible to have strong feelings for more than one person, (just do it one person at a time and not concurrently)

I think your son is late to the party, and needs to build up his rejection immunity defences as fast as he can. Moping around the parental home with you being sympathetic and making him cups of tea and sandwiches isn’t actually going to help him to move on.

He may want a reason. You may want a reason. But from experience even being presented with a reason doesn't help at all because the upset from the relationship ending is still there. There may be a specific reason (someone else) but it's also very common that there is no particular reason- just a realisation that the person doesn't want to be in the relationship any more.

They're both very young and will have changed a lot in 6 years. Distance is often quite testing. I had a boyfriend at uni and all was going well, then I went travelling in the US one summer. Missed him intensely at first but then realised I'd just stopped thinking about him. When I got back we broke up. We did get back together and it was nice but when we graduated and he went back to his home town the same thing happened again. My feelings just faded when I wasn't physically seeing him much. There wasn't anybody else. I think it's quite common.

I had a similar situation when I was young and was in the girl’s position. Got together very young with boyfriend, both still at school and I ended it some years later.

I suppose I didn’t give him a great reason either, but honestly I just felt we had grown apart, had different ideas about what we wanted, and I wanted to experience more of life, date more people, enjoy my freedom and young life.
There’s nothing more to it than that. Didn’t regret it for a moment, it was ultimately better for both is us. I imagine it’s more or less the same for your son. IMHO no one should be settled so young, there is a lot of life to live and he has his whole future ahead of him. It hurts now, but he will move on and maybe even get excited about dating and meeting new people.

I wouldn't worry about why she ended it, OP. I think it's very unusual for people to end up long-term with someone they started dating at 16.

It's horrible for your son if he thought they'd stay together, but all you can do is offer a sympathetic ear if he wants to offload, and time will do the rest. I can understand you feeling helpless (I felt that way when my oldest child's first proper relationship ended - I just wanted to be able to take all the unhappiness away from them and give it to myself instead), but you can just listen, be there, reassure him that it's normal to feel hurt/tearful/lost/unhappy/angry/any combination of those, and that it will take a long time to get over it - but he will get over it. Plus there are all the clichés about "it wasn't meant to be", which are trite but are sometimes helpful all the same. I wouldn't suggest counselling as it feeds into the idea that so many young people have that you can somehow magic away feelings of hurt and loss and sadness. In fact, we need to experience all of those things because that's how we grow up.