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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset and annoyed that ds's gf of 6 years has chucked him, leaving him devastated and not giving any real honest reason?

234 replies

McWoman · 29/01/2023 13:50

Hi
My son (22yrs) has been chucked by his gf after a 6yr relationship. They didnt live together, and for the last year it was a long distance relationship as he took up a great new job in London, but they had plans for a future together. Now she has changed her mind, with no reasons given, and he has come home, totally devastated and extremely depressed. I would never get involved, but feel totally helpless, out of my depth, and unsure of how to get him out of his current mindset. I have suggested he seeks counselling through his work. Any other suggestions?

OP posts:
Original poster
McWoman · 29/01/2023 15:28

I agree with all of these comments, and ts prob right that he needs to look after himself, be stronger and find ways to move on. Prob when he goes back to work, then focusing on that will help. I'm not angry with her, that was prob the wrong thing to write....she is a lovely girl, with a sensible head and I"m sure that whatever the reasons are, she is just being true to herself. Better she breaks it off now than strings him along. I get that counselling is prob not an option so soon, its just that the Type 1 can affect his mindset if not handed properly.

OP posts:
1FootInTheRave · 29/01/2023 15:28

My ex's mum was the same when I left him 20 years ago.

I had the decency to not tell her he was an abusive, nasty little creep for the 4.5 years we were together.

Yutes · 29/01/2023 15:29

Simulacra · 29/01/2023 15:27

Not sure how that’s relevant given he never lived with her and has managed it alone so far?!

Show quote history

That’s what I was thinking. I feel like it’s getting to be a bit whataboutery. If he is struggling to manage his diabetes then there are channels he can go through for help.
If it is a mental health reason why he can’t manage his diabetes, then yes, counselling could be helpful

Original poster
McWoman · 29/01/2023 15:31

They did live together up untol a year ago.
He has always managed his Type 1 no problems, but recently has had thoughts of 'giving up' and been a bit careless eith his insulin injections.

OP posts:
Confusion101 · 29/01/2023 15:32

Most people in society would benefit from a bit of counselling. It’s a great way to process life.

@SwishSwishBisch yes except he's clearly not ready to process this yet

GrumpyOldBastard · 29/01/2023 15:32

I work with diabetics. I think it’s particularly tough on young adults, when a fun night out for their mates involves getting drunk and eating junk without a care in the world, while those with T1D have to be responsible. Of course it is a terrible worry to the parents, so I can understand why you are a bit overprotective of him.
But he’s doing great. He has got a good job, and even though his relationship has ended, he maintained it for 6 years, so is obviously a fairly stable young man. I’m sorry he’s hurting now, but it sounds like he’ll be fine.

Sparklingbrook · 29/01/2023 15:33

They did live together up untol a year ago.

Why did that stop?

LoekMa · 29/01/2023 15:33

StreamingCervix · 29/01/2023 13:59

I think maybe you are the person who needs counselling if you feel peeved with others for not being in a relationship they don’t wish to be in.

👏❤

Shopper727 · 29/01/2023 15:33

I get you’re upset that your son is upset and it’s rubbish when your children are hurting and you can’t help,

I’ve got 4 boys and my eldest split with his girlfriend a while back and he was devastated, lost lots of weight and just couldn’t function for a bit but slowly, with support from family and his lovely friends he picked himself up and moved on still in pain and a few tears but he is stronger now and living life and happy again single still which is fine and happy to be for now. It was sad as her whole family really loved him and him them so he also lost them (she cheated) but I think it was maybe running it’s course too as they’d been young getting together too. as much as you want to weigh in op, give him time, let him know you’re there if he needs to talk or cry and just keep an eye on him which I’m sure you are. Don’t say anything negative about the girl as I can’t imagine it’s easy for her either 6 years is a long time I’m sure she hasn’t done this lightly either. Sorry your lad is hurting though, it’s painful to see

mathanxiety · 29/01/2023 15:34

The real reasons surely aren't a mystery?

He left for London.
She isn't happy with a long distance relationship. The distance gave her space to think.
She's grown and changed since she was 16/17/18/19, etc, and she wants something different out of life now.

Your DS needs to give it time and get to know women in London.

Sparklingbrook · 29/01/2023 15:35

Sparklingbrook · 29/01/2023 15:33

They did live together up untol a year ago.

Why did that stop?

Sorry-I assume that was when he left for London?

AnotherNameChangeYes · 29/01/2023 15:37

Hopefully it will be the best thing that’s happened to him. Having also been in a relationship from the age of 16-22 I am so glad we split up and it enabled me to become a confident adult, go travelling, play the field, have a great social life, all the things you should be doing at 22! But that will take time as at the minute he quite rightly heartbroken. Give him time.

Can you seek advice from his diabetic team if you’re concerned or diabetic U.K? My small child was diagnosed not that long ago and it’s my biggest fear is him going off the rails when he’s older. Sending solidarity.

Slowingdownagain · 29/01/2023 15:37

If you think he is depressed and might harm himself you should definitely seek help (or encourage him to). But that’s not her fault.

LostCountAnotherName · 29/01/2023 15:37

A) Not the girls fault
B) Not your cross to bear
C) He’s 22 he’ll move on
D) He won’t need counselling
E) This won’t be the shittest thing that will happen to him
F) You can’t carry him for life
G) He needs to manage his health now - not you
H) Think about when you were 22 and what you did in life/how you managed your self.

I) Stop with the infantilising of him.

Bpdqueen · 29/01/2023 15:40

Do you have any idea of waiting times for mh help on the nhs by the time he got seen he will probably be married with kids

Original poster
McWoman · 29/01/2023 15:42

Thanks for that. I agree, and I'm sure he will be fine. He has some good friends in London, so they will hopefully be a support to him.

OP posts:
Cocobutt · 29/01/2023 15:43

It’s very shitty of her to not give him a reason, especially if this has come out of the blue.

But what’s more likely is that she either has given him a reason but he won’t accept the reason or he’s not told you the reason.

Having a long distance relationship is very hard and it wouldn’t surprise me if this was a big factor in the separation.

Be there to support him but don’t get too involved or slag her off incase they get back together.

It hurts but he will move on and not many couples stay together from being 16 as you grow into completely different people.
So chances are he will find someone more suitable.

Original poster
McWoman · 29/01/2023 15:44

He had to move to London for a job. She was supportive of that and she had plans to move there too.

OP posts:
Original poster
McWoman · 29/01/2023 15:45

True !

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 29/01/2023 15:45

Maybe she did give him a reason, and its just not one he wants to share as it doesn't paint him in a good light. I know my first bf will have lied through his teeth to his family and friends and played the heartbroken victim who "never saw it coming" when the truth is he was majorly abusive in every way. Not saying your son was abusive, but it isn't uncommon for people to claim it was out of the blue when really, they know why, and dont want to be seen as the bad guy.

Veryxonfused · 29/01/2023 15:45

It’s very clear why they broke up from the original post - I wouldn’t expect this relationship to last. Not that there’s anything wrong with this situation I’d just say the ages they were when getting together/logistics of the situation don’t seem great. I almost broke up with my now husband at 21 for logistical reasons/feeling overwhelmed with the future but thankfully it all worked out.

I wouldn’t say he needs help for mental health, don’t blow this up into something it isn’t. Lots of people go through break ups, he will be fine. I guarantee in a years time he’ll think this was for the best. Try to reframe it as a positive thing.

Cocobutt · 29/01/2023 15:46

It could be the case that because they got together so young, they didn’t know any different and just stayed together because they thought they should.

Now that there is space between them, it could have made her realise that actually they’re not that compatible.

Sparklingbrook · 29/01/2023 15:46

McWoman · 29/01/2023 15:44

He had to move to London for a job. She was supportive of that and she had plans to move there too.

Maybe the year of the long distance travelling was getting too much and she decided she didn't want to move to London and therefore couldn't continue the relationship.

Veryxonfused · 29/01/2023 15:47

Also yes, she might have agreed to the LDR but this was also her first real relationship, she wouldn’t have known how she’d feel and she’s entitled to change her mind. It’s rubbish, but it is what it is and it’s just one of those things

TheaBrandt · 29/01/2023 15:47

Urgh brings back memories of trying to end it with one chap (only after a few months) every made up “easy get out” reason I gave he would parry back. What did he want me to say? “You are really dull I feel like the entertainment when we are out as you don’t speak and you are crap in bed”. That would be cruel but was the truth!