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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset and annoyed that ds's gf of 6 years has chucked him, leaving him devastated and not giving any real honest reason?

234 replies

McWoman · 29/01/2023 13:50

Hi
My son (22yrs) has been chucked by his gf after a 6yr relationship. They didnt live together, and for the last year it was a long distance relationship as he took up a great new job in London, but they had plans for a future together. Now she has changed her mind, with no reasons given, and he has come home, totally devastated and extremely depressed. I would never get involved, but feel totally helpless, out of my depth, and unsure of how to get him out of his current mindset. I have suggested he seeks counselling through his work. Any other suggestions?

OP posts:
CheeseFiend40 · 29/01/2023 15:06

The reason is irrelevant. The best thing I learned along the way is that the “reason” they’ve broken up with you is simply because they don’t love you enough. That’s all you really need to know. He needs to grieve and move on, he’ll come out the other end, everyone does.
I don’t think you being personally upset and annoyed with the ex is going to help him.

SmileyClare · 29/01/2023 15:07

Velvian · 29/01/2023 14:57

Don't turn this GF into a villain. I understand that it is difficult to see your DS in pain, but that doesn't have any relevance to fault or blame in the relationship.

It is also likely that your DS does not want to share everything with you, particularly if it reflects badly on him.

Agree.

Its not helpful to feed a narrative to your son that she’s a wrong’un and he’s the victim.
That will negatively affect his future relationships and his view of women.

Always hard to see one of your children in pain. You are doing enough by being his mum; letting him stay, being an ear to listen x

Sparklingbrook · 29/01/2023 15:09

@McWoman is that enough suggestions yet?

Confusion101 · 29/01/2023 15:10

HoldingTheDoor · 29/01/2023 14:57

Oh dear. This is very much "we never had any counselling in our day, just got on with it"...

Counseling can be very helpful but I don't think it generally appropriate or practical(Considering the costs/and or waiting times) to go see one the instant something difficult and painful happens. Not until you've had time to process it. Some counsellors won't see people, even for bereavements, until they've had some time to grieve and process their loss. If there are other ongoing issues though, it might help.

Totally agree with this! (coming from someone who believes everyone should have a counsellor the same way they have a GP or dentist). He needs to try to learn coping skills himself and get over the initial trauma.

OP also needs to learn coping skills imo, both for herself and to pass on to DS. Sending him to a counsellor could be sending him signals that the OP doesn't want to listen.

Slowingdownagain · 29/01/2023 15:10

SmileyClare · 29/01/2023 15:07

Agree.

Its not helpful to feed a narrative to your son that she’s a wrong’un and he’s the victim.
That will negatively affect his future relationships and his view of women.

Always hard to see one of your children in pain. You are doing enough by being his mum; letting him stay, being an ear to listen x

Show quote history

Agree with this. You aren’t doing your son any favours by being angry and suggesting he is entitled to more reasons (by the sound of it she has given reasons, just nine that satisfy him).

instead encourage him to make the most of this exciting new opportunity he has embarked on that will surely be all the better by not having to worry about a long distance relationship. Best thing that could have happened for him really.

Fleabigg · 29/01/2023 15:10

Of course he’s upset but counselling seems like a bit of a stretch, based on what you’ve said. He needs time to feel upset, to wallow a bit, and hopefully to get some support from his friends. But this was a long distance relationship and he’s 22. It’s only amazing it lasted a year long distance, and I’m surprised you’re remotely surprised she’s broken it off.

oakleaffy · 29/01/2023 15:12

@McWoman I understand you are worried about your son, but he is young, and first relationships almost always never last.

The first ''Break up'' is extremely painful, as it's the first time it has been experienced.

Don't think Counselling is necessary, it's something most young people go through.
It hurts like heck at the time, but it's part of life..People change a lot in these formative years.

Best wishes for your son, He will need to take time to recover from the 'Shock', but he will probably be fine, like the millions of other young men and women who endure the first painful 'Sundering'.

WestBridgewater · 29/01/2023 15:12

Although I wouldn’t recommend telling them time is a healer as it will be no comfort, it is true. My DD was in the exact same position a couple of years ago and I feel for you and your DS. All I could really say was not knowing is horrible but that even if a reason were given it wouldn’t take the pain away.

Original poster
McWoman · 29/01/2023 15:17

Thanks, I guess you are right. Didnt mention that he is also Type 1 diabetic, insulin dependabt, so I worry that when he goes back to London he may not manage that correctly. So difficult as a mum not to be able to 'make things better'. He will cope, I'm sure, and be a stronger person for it. 🤞

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 29/01/2023 15:17

Tbh I think it is fairly obvious that 'the reason' is that he moved away and they have grown apart. They are both still very young.

I feel for your son, and it must be hard for you to see him in pain. But I don't think it's fair of you to 'blame' his ex. She doesn't owe him a relationship.

WestBridgewater · 29/01/2023 15:17

Don't turn this GF into a villain. I understand that it is difficult to see your DS in pain, but that doesn't have any relevance to fault or blame in the relationship.

Especially as you never know they might reconcile so if you say something like ‘well I never liked her’ DS won’t forget it.

SwishSwishBisch · 29/01/2023 15:18

A bit disappointed at the number of people dismissing counselling as ‘extreme’, ‘a bit early’ etc.
Most people in society would benefit from a bit of counselling. It’s a great way to process life. The fact so many of you seem to think it should only be used in some sort of once in a lifetime crisis is very indicative of the crappy attitude this country has towards good mental health.

oakleaffy · 29/01/2023 15:18

Iwillhavealargeone · 29/01/2023 13:55

So they started a relationship at 16
They've grown up and apart
Yes it's sad but it's life
Why does everything need counselling
Yes he's devastated but it's a normal reaction to a sad situation

Absolutely this.
I remember my first relationship ending, and I went back home with my stuff and Dad opened my old bedroom door and I was sobbing.. I remember asking ''Will I ever get over this?'' and he said ''Of course you will!''

Dad was right!

First breakup is hard on a lot of people.
As you say, it's entirely normal to be upset, there is a bit of hurt pride mixed in, but it's a normal part of growing up, and yes, this involves emotional 'Bumps' along the way.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/01/2023 15:19

Floralnomad · 29/01/2023 14:36

She’s probably found someone else whilst it’s been a long distance relationship and thinks he’d rather not be told that .

Or she hasn't. It always pissed me off that one of my exes claimed that I had to have ended things because I'd decided to fuck somebody else. Nope.

I was, however, sick of everything about him, including the accusations of wanting to go out and pick up men. He did keep pushing for reasons, though. As they included 'You have the smallest dick I have ever seen and you are absolutely shit in bed with no interest beyond the twenty four seconds or so it takes for you to get off' and 'the way I heard you speak about teenage girls makes me want to vomit, never mind what you could be thinking about your nieces' friends', I doubted that he was going to be telling his Mum about them. But he did keep on pushing for a better reason and all the 'stop lying, I know it's because you've met somebody, I know what you're like around men'. So he got 20% of the edited highlights in a glorious tirade of the most awful things he had done - a full on 'It's YOU, that's why it's over'.

He told his Mum I never said why.

dzdzdxdz · 29/01/2023 15:20

It's shit but it opens the path to meet his true life partner.

Yutes · 29/01/2023 15:21

You’re allowed to feel upset that your DS is upset.

But your DS is an adult and you need to allow him to experience relationships and breakups and function with other adults. he is also entitled to privacy and the inner workings of their relationship isn’t really anything that you get a say in.

He may be saying that she didn’t give him any reason, but people are allowed to split up with others. You wouldn’t want her to be wasting his time either. That would be worse. Feelings change. People grow up. heartbreak is part of that.
It’s rubbish, but be there. Give him
time. That’s all your job entails at the moment

Sleepless1096 · 29/01/2023 15:21

She doesn't need a reason but not wanting a long-distance relationship is a pretty good one.

DCINightingale · 29/01/2023 15:22

Just give him time and quiet company. A few tasty things to eat and watch something mutually enjoyable together, if he is at home with you for a few days, just look after him so he can come to terms with it. I had similar at that age and my parents just looked after me without question for a week so I could get my head straight. Break ups are shit, but he will slowly move forward

HoldingTheDoor · 29/01/2023 15:23

A bit disappointed at the number of people dismissing counselling as ‘extreme’, ‘a bit early’ etc.

Again I'm not against it but it is too early imo. Again many counsellors won't accept people immediately after a traumatic/challenging event because you do need time to process and deal with the grief and other associated feelings. Also people who are extremely distressed often struggle to cooperate with their counsellor's advice and exercises. Been there, done that. Bought the t-shirt. It was much more helpful once some time had passed imo.

thestealthwee · 29/01/2023 15:23

Why would you be "annoyed" that's a bit of a strange reaction?

  • they've been together since teenagers
  • they've never lived together
  • he's moved away for work and presumably not likely to ever move back

It's run it's course. Nothing more nothing less

QueenofLouisiana · 29/01/2023 15:25

I've been the girlfriend in this situation, perhaps a little different as I was several years younger than he was, but still my age and the time scale was similar.

Yes it was awful, yes I'm sure everyone hated me. I know that 10 years later he still wouldn't acknowledge my existence at an event we both attended. But I had to move on.

After that length of time, with no formal commitment, I was pretty certain that there was nowhere else to go. Naturally, after the event, he declared he had been about to propose. Well, "about to" wasn't the same as doing it. I wasn't prepared to hang around on the off-chance.

Give him time to grieve, support him to do new things and remind him that this is a new opportunity; he is still a very young man.

ShinyMe · 29/01/2023 15:26

We say all the time on here that people can end relationships for any and no reason. If she's not feeling it any more then she's done the right thing by ending it, rather than stringing him along.

VeggieSalsa · 29/01/2023 15:26

At 19 I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years. We had moved away together to go to university.

He’d tell you I broke up with him for no good reason, but I just didn’t want to be with him anymore.

In hindsight and now I’m more mature, I realise that I grew up faster than he did and there was a wider world that I wanted to experience without my teenage boyfriend.

There doesn’t have to be a “good” reason for a break up.

NeedToChangeName · 29/01/2023 15:27

@Mumuser124 I disagree

I'd think that "you're a great person and I will always have happy memories of our time together" is far kinder than "I hated when you did X"

Simulacra · 29/01/2023 15:27

McWoman · 29/01/2023 15:17

Thanks, I guess you are right. Didnt mention that he is also Type 1 diabetic, insulin dependabt, so I worry that when he goes back to London he may not manage that correctly. So difficult as a mum not to be able to 'make things better'. He will cope, I'm sure, and be a stronger person for it. 🤞

Not sure how that’s relevant given he never lived with her and has managed it alone so far?!

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