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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset and annoyed that ds's gf of 6 years has chucked him, leaving him devastated and not giving any real honest reason?

234 replies

McWoman · 29/01/2023 13:50

Hi
My son (22yrs) has been chucked by his gf after a 6yr relationship. They didnt live together, and for the last year it was a long distance relationship as he took up a great new job in London, but they had plans for a future together. Now she has changed her mind, with no reasons given, and he has come home, totally devastated and extremely depressed. I would never get involved, but feel totally helpless, out of my depth, and unsure of how to get him out of his current mindset. I have suggested he seeks counselling through his work. Any other suggestions?

OP posts:
katepilar · 29/01/2023 18:27

Iwillhavealargeone · 29/01/2023 13:55

So they started a relationship at 16
They've grown up and apart
Yes it's sad but it's life
Why does everything need counselling
Yes he's devastated but it's a normal reaction to a sad situation

Because its ok to get help.

magicthree · 29/01/2023 18:36

She doesn't need to give a reason, and it is unreasonable for you to be "annnoyed". Relationships end all the time, and your DS will have cope, just as everyone else does. It will take time, just be there and support him through it.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 29/01/2023 18:38

Probably because she’s young and doesn’t wanna go out with the same bloke forever? None of your business, at all. Just be there for your son.

MatildaTheCat · 29/01/2023 18:45

McWoman · 29/01/2023 16:09

Thanks for that. He has regd with GP there, will mske sure that he sees the diabetic nurse , and maybe gets a body stick on monitor.

He really should have a continuous patch and ask to be considered for a closed loop system as mentioned above. I believe it’s now recommended by NICE and much more available on the NHS for people who are managing their diabetes responsibly.

Im sure you and his medical teams have drilled this into him but he simply cannot have a slack approach to this because he is grieving.Someone close to me has a significant and irreversible brain injury as a result of T1 diabetes and not taking it sufficiently seriously.

He does need tea and sympathy but he also needs some tough love if he’s neglecting this.

Good luck to him.

mynamesnotMa · 29/01/2023 18:49

Just be his mum.
You don't need to know the reason

ThinWomansBrain · 29/01/2023 18:50

Be there for him, but keep out of it - only the two of them knew what was going on in the relationship.
People change hugely between the ages of 16 and at school through university and living and working at home.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/01/2023 18:51

Of course it's not unreasonable to be upset and annoyed. We all hate when our DC are upset or in pain. But it would be unreasonable to do anything about it.

Just focus on him and his health and avoid saying anything overtly negative about her. That will only make him feel worse about himself for choosing her in the first place. Make sympathetic noises but that's about it.

Iwillhavealargeone · 29/01/2023 18:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

notacooldad · 29/01/2023 18:57

Why does everything need counselling
Yes he's devastated but it's a normal reaction to a sad situation

Because its ok to get help.

Of course it is ok to ask help but I don't think it should be the first port of call.
How would any one build or develop resilience if the first thing they did when a tough life event happens if they went straight for counselling.
Fair enough if after a while you and cant move on from emotion and need support.

Sparklingbrook · 29/01/2023 19:14

Because its ok to get help

When a bit of time has passed then yes, if he's not getting over it in the normal timescale.

UsingChangeofName · 29/01/2023 19:34

notacooldad · 29/01/2023 18:57

Why does everything need counselling
Yes he's devastated but it's a normal reaction to a sad situation

Because its ok to get help.

Of course it is ok to ask help but I don't think it should be the first port of call.
How would any one build or develop resilience if the first thing they did when a tough life event happens if they went straight for counselling.
Fair enough if after a while you and cant move on from emotion and need support.

Quite.

Counselling is difficult enough to get for people who have been through real trauma, and people who have actual mental health issues. Ludicrous to suggest a relationship between two young people ending needs counselling.

girlfriend44 · 29/01/2023 20:37

Blufelt · 29/01/2023 14:03

If she hasn’t given a reason it’s likely the reason is hurtful. She obviously thought it was kinder not to go into it. Maybe she’s met someone else. Or doesn’t want to be long distance. Or doesn’t fancy him any more. Or he’s not earning enough compared to others. Maybe he’s not hot enough. Or not fit enough. Or he’s crap in bed. Or she wants a bigger dick. You will never know and it’s not relevant. Just support him and encourage him to move on.

Wants a bigger dick grow up.

ShandaLear · 30/01/2023 08:50

She doesn’t want to be in a relationship with him anymore. That’s it. That’s the only reason she needs.

Newusername3kidss · 30/01/2023 17:53

Iwillhavealargeone · 29/01/2023 13:55

So they started a relationship at 16
They've grown up and apart
Yes it's sad but it's life
Why does everything need counselling
Yes he's devastated but it's a normal reaction to a sad situation

This exactly. It’s very rare for a relationship to last from when you are 16 as people change so much. Personally I’d be happy as don’t understand why on earth you’d want to be so tied down at a young age! Will definitely be encouraging my kids to be free when they are young.

Ifeelsuchafool · 30/01/2023 18:00

Yes, basically.
Sorry for your son and I know that helpless feeling as it happened to my son during the pandemic. He and she had just set up and furnished their first home together and she just upped and went back to her parents; but look at it this way, if this is how she feels, she'd do your son a lot more emotional damage in the long run by staying around longer.
Relationships run their course and there's little anyone can do about it. Just be there for him and let him know you're there.
Flowers

angela99999 · 30/01/2023 18:07

Early relationships often don't last sadly. I don't know how much of each other they've been seeing since he moved away? Maybe she's met someone else or simply realised it wasn't working. It's probably better that she ends it now rather than letting it limp on.

TheFretfulPorpentine · 30/01/2023 18:17

Did you go on to spend the rest of your life with the boy you fancied at age 16?

Lovely13 · 30/01/2023 18:44

Just be there as someone he can talk to when he wants to. He needs time. Gently encourage him to meet up with old friends when he is ready. Don’t say anything negative about her, obvs.

TheAllButterBiscuit · 30/01/2023 19:06

I know it might sound a bit much at the moment, but as long as this young woman has parted with your son on reasonable terms, I think you would do far more good to try speaking well of her and supporting her right to leave an unfulfilling relationship than by slating her to your son. You don’t have to say anything that makes him feel blameworthy, but remind him that people grow apart, and neither he or she necessarily did anything wrong.

I have a close friend whose mother always lays into the friend’s ex-boyfriends… the result is that my friend decides that they are ‘bad guys’ and that she must be worthless to only be attractive to guys like that! So over the years the intended support from mum has really backfired.

Supporting your son to find constructive and respectful ways to move on might be more helpful than counselling, in the long run.

Jimboscott0115 · 30/01/2023 19:11

It's pretty much a ritenof passage in life going through your first real heartbreak, I'm not sure why you've suggested counselling as nearly everyone goes through something similar at their age and long distance relationships rarely work out, especially over a year long period at the age when you're most likely to be out and having fun.

Feels like it's one you need to sit out OP as getting involved or too involved with ont help anyone. He's young, has a great job and lives in London - the perfect combination for meeting new people and getting over his broken heart. He'll be fine.

Mumof3PrettyBoys · 30/01/2023 19:16

A big fat No to counselling!! They only make matters worse in my experience seeing my friend go through it with counselling after her divorce.
He is heartbroken, not traumatised as she was.

I feel for you as a mother and the helpless feeling you're having. Of course you would feel that way because as big as DS is, he'll always be your baby!! But all you can do Is be there for him IF he wants to talk. Give him as much time as he needs. Have you ever had your heart broken? If so you'll know exactly how he will be feeling right now. Let him get over it. He will see in his own time and one day, he will make someone a very happy wife for the loyalties he showed that were not reciprocated. Let him know how amazing he is and that sometimes people just grow apart and feelings change. If im honest, i'm suprised if you havent had that talk with him already.

Sorted2856 · 30/01/2023 19:23

@McWoman If his workplace offer employee support then why not consider the counselling route? So what if he might feel better before he gets to it. So what if they reassure him his feelings are normal and will resolve. Too many young men suffer emotionally and go unheard.

T1Dmama · 30/01/2023 21:17

He’s been with her since 16… first love …
he just needs some love and sympathy and tell him long distance doesn’t always work…
Don’t be annoyed with her…. Presumably she was also only a teenager when this relationship started, she’s entitled to grow in a different direction to your son.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 30/01/2023 21:38

YANBU to feel upset for your DS but she doesn’t have to give a reason and to be fair, he’s the one whose moved away and disturbed the equilibrium- she’s probably met somebody else who is in the locality and has the time to spend with her.
My son is 24 and has been with his GF since they were 14 - I think it’s a real shame to have not ‘played the field’ and I do think there could be trouble ahead for one or the other in the future. He’s young, he’ll be just fine.

RealBecca · 30/01/2023 21:41

It's quite possible she did give a reason and he is keeping it to himself.