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AIBU?

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Original poster

Upset and annoyed that ds's gf of 6 years has chucked him, leaving him devastated and not giving any real honest reason?

234 replies

McWoman · 29/01/2023 13:50

Hi
My son (22yrs) has been chucked by his gf after a 6yr relationship. They didnt live together, and for the last year it was a long distance relationship as he took up a great new job in London, but they had plans for a future together. Now she has changed her mind, with no reasons given, and he has come home, totally devastated and extremely depressed. I would never get involved, but feel totally helpless, out of my depth, and unsure of how to get him out of his current mindset. I have suggested he seeks counselling through his work. Any other suggestions?

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 29/01/2023 14:49

"counselling isn't the answer, he needs to learn to grieve and be an adult about it"

Oh dear. This is very much "we never had any counselling in our day, just got on with it"...

PSNonsense · 29/01/2023 14:49

She doesn't want to be in a relationship with him anymore.

That's her reason.

RoseThornside · 29/01/2023 14:49

I remember trying to break up with someone - it was because I just didn't fancy him anymore - but didn't want to hurt him by saying that. I ended up waffling, saying the classic "it's not you, it's me", how I thought maybe we wanted different things from life, but everything I said, he would home in on and question, trying to show me why that reason was irrelevant. In the end I said something like "I think of you as more like a brother" and he looked totally wounded, but then suggested a romantic weekend away! It was awful and I felt awful about it but should I have stayed with him, got married, forced myself to have sex with him for another 50 years?

I'm really sorry this has happened; but no point forcing her to come out with a reason that you will find acceptable. Time is the best healer here.

W0tnow · 29/01/2023 14:50

She doesn’t need a reason. You’re not supposed to meet your life partner at 16. She probably grew out of him. It’s not a reflection on him, or her. It must be difficult to feel pressured for a ‘good ‘ reason, when in reality it’s probably just I don’t love you anymore.

diddl · 29/01/2023 14:50

"I don't want to see you any more"-that's a reason isn't it?

So he's 22 & has a great job in London-life is surely just beginning!

Emmamoo89 · 29/01/2023 14:51

Don't need an explanation. They've obviously grown apart. Just be there for him

ViridissimaVirga · 29/01/2023 14:51

Oh, and as PP have said - absolutely tell him to go back to London and back to his job. He needs the distraction, and while a weekend at home with Mum might be what he needs, he needs even more to focus on his job and on making new friends and having new experiences. My heartbroken child came home from university for a weekend and was clearly keen to stay at home and have no reminders of the ex, but I said no!

ThreeLittleDots · 29/01/2023 14:51

not giving any real honest reason

She doesn't owe anybody anything.

TIme should heal.

Sparklingbrook · 29/01/2023 14:53

I've had a lot of counselling over the years and I feel it does have it's place. But I don't think it would be appropriate for someone experiencing a relationship break up this soon, he's just going through natural reactions.
If he's still feeling the same a few months down the line maybe.

gazpachosoupday · 29/01/2023 14:54

Surely ice cream,/beer/wine/soft drink and a friendly ear is what he needs.

Maybe a nice distraction of some type

Poppinjay · 29/01/2023 14:54

You do know that nobody should ever be expected to justify ending a relationship, don't you?

I don't want to be in this relationship is 100% good enough. Always.

Lindy2 · 29/01/2023 14:55

Heartbreak is hard at any age but almost everyone goes through it at some point. It takes time to feel better but in due course he will. Let him wallow for a while. He doesn't need a counseller he needs a bit of tlc and then encouragement to get back out there.

Most relationships that start a 16 don't last 6 years. He's just a bit late to his first proper break up.

Living in London, being young and newly single actually opens up a whole range of new opportunities that I'm sure he will benefit from in the long run.

If they are meant to be together then they'll find themselves again in the future. In reality though his school romance has finished as they have both grown up a bit and he will probably have a number of new relationships before settling down when older.

justasking111 · 29/01/2023 14:55

They propped each other up through covid which was a special kind of hell now they're both free to live normal lives, not lockdown ones. It's terribly sad but it does happen.

Hbh17 · 29/01/2023 14:56

Please don't pathologise something that is completely normal. It's normal to be upset, but better to encourage him to get back to work and to enjoy all of the opportunities that come alongside having a good job in London. He's young - time to live a little. Sometimes, encouraging a bit of the old "stuff upper lip" is no bad thing......
And as others have said, his ex-girlfriend is under no obligation to give him any kind of obligation.

Pipsquiggle · 29/01/2023 14:56

It's just not working her.

They got together so young, did you really think that they would be together forever?

It will take him time and it's OK for him to feel bereft at the moment. He needs to get back to London and live a little.

HoldingTheDoor · 29/01/2023 14:57

Oh dear. This is very much "we never had any counselling in our day, just got on with it"...

Counseling can be very helpful but I don't think it generally appropriate or practical(Considering the costs/and or waiting times) to go see one the instant something difficult and painful happens. Not until you've had time to process it. Some counsellors won't see people, even for bereavements, until they've had some time to grieve and process their loss. If there are other ongoing issues though, it might help.

Velvian · 29/01/2023 14:57

Don't turn this GF into a villain. I understand that it is difficult to see your DS in pain, but that doesn't have any relevance to fault or blame in the relationship.

It is also likely that your DS does not want to share everything with you, particularly if it reflects badly on him.

Simulacra · 29/01/2023 14:58

If you think there’s no difference in people between 16 and 32, or that anyone can leave any relationship for whatever reason they choose, then I can’t help you.

Zanatdy · 29/01/2023 14:58

your first heartbreak hurts, I mean any does but first time it’s a shock how bad it can hurt. There’s no always a reason, maybe they grew apart, and long distance always adds complications. He probably just needs time, counselling maybe further down the line if he’s not over it but unfortunately he’s just got to get through it and times the only thing that helps. As a parent it hurts a lot seeing your child heartbroken. My son has his first GF and I dread them splitting

DuplicateUserName · 29/01/2023 14:58

I wonder if there's any chance of the OP coming back to the thread. I mean, assuming they started it to talk about it Confused

Sparklingbrook · 29/01/2023 14:59

HoldingTheDoor · 29/01/2023 14:57

Oh dear. This is very much "we never had any counselling in our day, just got on with it"...

Counseling can be very helpful but I don't think it generally appropriate or practical(Considering the costs/and or waiting times) to go see one the instant something difficult and painful happens. Not until you've had time to process it. Some counsellors won't see people, even for bereavements, until they've had some time to grieve and process their loss. If there are other ongoing issues though, it might help.

I agree, the time for counselling is generally after the initial trauma and shock has gone and you're not feeling any better about things.

KILM · 29/01/2023 14:59

Er, you don't have to have a reason. You can just not want to be in a relationship with someone. Or want to be single.
Doesn't matter if its 5 years or 50. You don't need a reason.
Reminds me of a colleague who was outraged that her sons gf of 5 years left him because she wasn't happy. Kept saying 'that's not a reason, why didn't she say anything, they could have worked on it?'
Wouldn't accept anyone saying 'maybe she was just done' and at one point actually said 'she owes him a better explanation or at least an opportunity to work on it, he supported her through x y z'
Genuinely couldn't see why someone continuing a relationship they no longer consented to being in out of a 'you owe me' obligation was problematic??

JudgeRudy · 29/01/2023 15:03

ThreeLittleDots · 29/01/2023 14:51

not giving any real honest reason

She doesn't owe anybody anything.

TIme should heal.

I agree. It's probable she has given a reason, he's just not getting it. If I've ever finished a relationship the first question is "is there someone else". Men (and it is generally men) seem to struggle with the concept of I'd rather be alone than with you.

niugboo · 29/01/2023 15:04

Breathe a huge sigh of relief.

Marrying his first girlfriend would be awful.

StripeyDeckchair · 29/01/2023 15:04

Relationship started at 16
Hes moved away to a fantastic new job
you only know what he's told you, which is unlikely to be the whole story.

it's not a surprise they've split up, it's a cliche but time will make it better.

in the meanwhile stay quiet on the subject & certainly dont be angry with her, she doesnt have to give a reason & he doesnt have to tell you the whole story.