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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to stop DH ruining my life ? At wits end with him !

325 replies

Ohhhhhlalala · 29/01/2023 09:02

My husband has become more and more miserable over the years . His moods ruining many special days - yesterday in particular he ruined our anniversary . I am now at my wits end .I am currently pregnant with DC3. We have twins aged 2.

I am getting to the point where I feel I wil have to leave as I don’t want to live. Miserable life but currently I am not ready but have been open with husband that I can’t continue to walk on egg shells and keep trying to be positive and that I am running out of steam with trying to be cheerful. Husband has acknowledged he is exhausted and struggling and hates he is miserable and insists he loves me.

Here is my question - How can I now stop letting his misery dictate my day to day life ? I used to be so happy , free and excited. Do I just now completely ignore his moods? Stop trying ? Start arranging my own activities ?? I will be on maternity soon and stuck home with DH so I need strategies?

He’s woke up sulking again and I am desperate not to waste another day feeling sad ? Please help ?

OP posts:

Ragwort · 29/01/2023 09:05

Life is only going to get harder with 2 year old twins and a new baby ... was this a conscious decision by both of you ... you say he has been like this 'for years'? Seems odd to choose to have another child.

MrsBunnyEars · 29/01/2023 09:05

Would you be happier living without him?

Strugglingtodomybest · 29/01/2023 09:06

Has he seen his GP? Sounds like depression.

When you say 'sulking' is he not talking to you? In which case, I would ignore him, get on with your day and make plans without him.

In the long term, if he's not prepared to sort himself out, I'd be making plans to leave.

RudsyFarmer · 29/01/2023 09:06

You can’t escape with young children sadly.

underneaththeash · 29/01/2023 09:07

Maybe he needs to see a doctor.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 29/01/2023 09:07

Does he work? You say stuck at home with him? Or does he do childcare?

Why have another baby if he's been like this for years? There must be something in him you still love.

crosspusscrossstitcher · 29/01/2023 09:08

Do I just now completely ignore his moods? Stop trying ? Start arranging my own activities ? Yes.
Don't pander to him. Will he even be able to WFH with 2 toddlers and a newborn around? He needs to re-think that, as your house is not going to be a quiet environment for him.

AutumnCrow · 29/01/2023 09:08

Is he seeking any help or support whatsoever for his moods?

That would be my line in the sand. He has to WANT to change, to get ‘back in the room’, to participate in family life, not simply be the passive joy-sucker who drags you all down.

We’ve all got fucking problems. It’s how we deal with them that matters.

What sort of parent is he?

user8545 · 29/01/2023 09:08

First thing is to stop having babies with him! That's not going to be helping his mood or making the situation any easier. Have you spoken to him about this sulking?

BoxOfCats · 29/01/2023 09:09

Is he sulking for no apparent reason or if it's because you have done something that displeases him in some way?

Does he act moody around others, or is it just you and the kids?

Towntroubadour · 29/01/2023 09:09

Can he explain what is making him miserable? Ultimately he needs to tackle why he’s miserable because you can’t keep working around him.

Candleabra · 29/01/2023 09:09

Be careful. Persistent sulking is an abusive in my opinion. It’s used to control you, to stop doing things that make him sulk. To make you hyper vigilant to his moods. And alter your behaviour. These things are awful for your mental health. Don’t put up with this or you will end up with chronic anxiety.

HyggeTygge · 29/01/2023 09:15

There is a long running thread about a sulky husband (who ended up having a psychotic episode) that is worth reading OP's posts to see if anything resonates. Some good advice on there.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking

Original poster

Ohhhhhlalala · 29/01/2023 09:19

He is miserable because he is tired .
Well we both are .

He is constantly moaning he has to do chores. We both do .

He moans we don’t have sex ( we do once a week) but I am sick of him being inking and miserable and have no want to have sex.

He thinks the world is against him. He shouts in front of the children and is rude . He is always complaining about everything. It had become impossible .

I work 30 hours , share the housework . I have no family around me. I am sick of it . I honestly give up.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 29/01/2023 09:21

Husband has acknowledged he is exhausted and struggling and hates he is miserable

Is he seeking help or making steps to address this? Does he need antidepressants? Or talking therapy?

Is he the sole earner and finding it tough?
Can you as a family buy in help (to address the exhaustion) or beg family for extra pairs of hands?

You can’t ignore it, and toddler twins plus a newborn is going to be a significant strain on anyone’ shine life, whether they’re a naturally optimistic person or not, so you need to tackle it as a team with a solutions focused chat.

Sulking is different. Depends what you mean by that.

pictoosh · 29/01/2023 09:21

Sounds a self-absorbed, selfish twat. He's unlikely to change.

DysmalRadius · 29/01/2023 09:22

Do you still love him? If he was less miserable, would you want to be with him? If so, I think all you can really do is tell him - explain that you hate seeing him miserable but you are worried that he's not doing anything to improve his moods or manage his behaviour and that is making you consider a future without him. Either he cares about that or he doesn't - you can't fix this by yourself.

Whyisitsososohard · 29/01/2023 09:23

I'm in a happy relationship but my parents relationship sounds like yours. It's had a big impact on me growing up in that environment and now as adults their dynamic spoils loads of things. This makes me sad and resentful. So do think about the impact this dynamic and his moods have on your children.

It is of course having an impact on you too and probably in ways you don't even grasp yet. I can imagine you make loads of little choice to try and make things better you probably couldn't even identify as that.

So really he needs to change or you need to leave. What does he say about why he's so miserable? Having had mental health issues myself depression can make you very angry and grumpy. So it could be this or he could just be a grumpy sod.

NoSquirrels · 29/01/2023 09:24

OK, cross post. Not surprised you’re fed up. Sulking about sex when you’re a father to twin toddlers and you’re me wife is pregnant again is so disgustingly immature.

Presumably he used to be nicer? Sounds like you need couples counselling so he can understand he’s being an arsehole and do better.

If he can’t do better you’ll have to leave eventually.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 29/01/2023 09:25

As someone who lived with a sulky controlling misery for 18 years I can give you some strategies for getting through

ignore his moods; just pretend they aren’t happening
always be perky and sunny
arrange your own entertainment, most of it without him
encourage him to take up activities that take him away from you and the children for large lumps of time (golf in my day, cycling nowadays)
make sure he gets a shag at least twice a week
Nurture and reward your inner martyr

I can attest this will keep the marriage going for years. But not necessarily forever, and it may be that the marriage breaks down horrible when the children are old enough to know the difference.

What I wish someone had told me back then was “FGS LadyG, he’s an arsehole and you absolutely do not deserve to live like this. You were not put on this earth to sacrifice yourself to a man, you are here to make the most of your life and now your children’s lives. Give it to him straight right now or bite the bullet and leave now, however unthinkable it seems”

So hear it from me: if he was ever a happy, positive person then start rocking the boat right now to get him back there, whatever it takes.

If he’s always really been a miserable, sulky bastard then leave now. Yes, toddlers and baby and all. I wish I’d had the guts to do it, and I suspect my children do too.

Sereni5 · 29/01/2023 09:26

Wow. This is going to get much much worse once your third child is born unless he does something about it.

user8545 · 29/01/2023 09:29

It is very difficult to have sympathy when you're adding another child to this. Another person to inflict misery on and no doubt exacerbate the family issues further, and now even harder for you to get you and your older kids out of the situation.

autienotnaughty · 29/01/2023 09:29

He feels how he feels you can't change that but it's not fair he takes it out on you and kids. You can go off and do things yourself and leave him to it. You can encourage him to get help/address his issues. And if it feels unsolvable then you can leave.

CalistoNoSolo · 29/01/2023 09:31

I know its not helpful, buy why did you have children with him when hes been like this for years? I couldn't put up with it for months. Your choices are leave, or stay and try and make him get help.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 29/01/2023 09:31

Well if he's tired now -- what does he expect adding a third child into the mix? You'll probably never have a decent sleep between you for the next 3 years.

Is he depressed? Does he work from home could going back to the office be a option?

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