Page 2 | How to stop DH ruining my life ? At wits end with him !

Ohhhhhlalala · 2023-01-29T09:02:46+00:00

My husband has become more and more miserable over the years . His moods ruining many special days - yesterday in particular he ruined our anniversary . I am now at my wits end .I am currently pregnant with DC3. We have twins aged 2. I am getting to the point where I feel I wil have to leave as I don’t want to live. Miserable life but currently I am not ready but have been open with husband that I can’t continue to walk on egg shells and keep trying to be positive and that I am running out of steam with trying to be cheerful. Husband has acknowledged he is exhausted and struggling and hates he is miserable and insists he loves me. Here is my question - How can I now stop letting his misery dictate my day to day life ? I used to be so happy , free and excited. Do I just now completely ignore his moods? Stop trying ? Start arranging my own activities ?? I will be on maternity soon and stuck home with DH so I need strategies? He’s woke up sulking again and I am desperate not to waste another day feeling sad ? Please help ?

knittingaddict · 29/01/2023 09:31

RudsyFarmer · 29/01/2023 09:06

You can’t escape with young children sadly.

Well you can to some degree. Depends how much practical help the op's husband is now and whether she has other family who can help out. Living without the day to day misery can be liberating, even if she can't escape him completely.

Whatatimetobealivetoday · 29/01/2023 09:32

YABUish; you don’t sound super supportive but you might have missed that from your post.

What would you want someone to do for you or support you with if you had a chronic low mood/ depression?

You need an honest chat - tell him you are struggling and you can see he is too, but he needs to take action for all his family.

If he had a medical issue that disabled him physically, would you leave him? You need to help him to address his mental health and then after trying he still doesn’t do anything, consider your options and own happiness.

GruelandaCandle · 29/01/2023 09:32

I’m assuming there was a change in his behaviour?

I am guessing he just does not like family life at all. People can wring their hands about how shit some Father's are and need to step up but he may not.

Did you love him at any point? I do not believe in flogging a dead horse but have you actually sat down and talked about it properly? it’s worth a try isn’t it.

Completely unrelated circumstances but I had a terrible blip in my marriage, truly awful. We talked on and off for months and we did separate though we still shared the same house. DH was going to move in with a colleague while he looked to buy a house. We managed to work it out and it made our relationship much better but it was a huge mental exertion for both of us.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/01/2023 09:34

Please tell me you are only having sex once a week because you actually want to

pictoosh · 29/01/2023 09:35

How can you hope to put this right yourself? You can't!

I am sure you have discussed this with him before, made suggestions, offered support and outlined how it impacts on you and the kids. What has he done about it? Nothing.

So there you have it. The reality is that he is quite content to have his moods, misery and negativity dictate and make your lives crap. He may say he doesn't like being this way but he does nothing to change it.

What you've got is what you're going to get.

Sugargliderwombat · 29/01/2023 09:36

To the poster who said 'make sure he gets a shag twice a week' - yuck. Please don't sleep with someone who you don't want to, women do not owe men sex!!!

If he wants you to be attracted to him maybe he should stop acting like such a miserable arse.

Fraaahnces · 29/01/2023 09:36

His behaviour hardly makes him desirable. He isn’t exactly showing any signs of accountability for his part in where he’s at is he? I can’t see things improving…

YouJustDoYou · 29/01/2023 09:37

Whatatimetobealivetoday · 29/01/2023 09:32

YABUish; you don’t sound super supportive but you might have missed that from your post.

What would you want someone to do for you or support you with if you had a chronic low mood/ depression?

You need an honest chat - tell him you are struggling and you can see he is too, but he needs to take action for all his family.

If he had a medical issue that disabled him physically, would you leave him? You need to help him to address his mental health and then after trying he still doesn’t do anything, consider your options and own happiness.

He's a grown fucking man, he can address his own mental issues, it's not up for her to adult for him. Stop making excuses for him, mental health is not an excuse.

N27 · 29/01/2023 09:38

You absolutely cannot and will not be able to control someone else’s behaviour.

but what you do have control over, is how to respond to it.

I was in your position, I made a conscious choice not to let him bother me. I ignored his moods, I created a fab life for me and my twins, I planned activities for us without him, and I just refused to engage when he was either looking for sympathy or looking for an argument.

one day after a while of doing this, I just looked at him and had a clear knowledge that I was happier when he wasn’t around, and I asked him to leave. Best thing I ever did x

pictoosh · 29/01/2023 09:38

And there isn't a magic set of words to make him 'see the light' either. He's not going to have an epiphany owing to a thing you say. He knows, he does not care.

PayPennies · 29/01/2023 09:38

I’m really sorry but I cannot wrap my brain around the decision to have a third child with him.

pictoosh · 29/01/2023 09:39

Totally agree @YouJustDoYou.

@Whatatimetobealivetoday - don't be naive.

Perfect28 · 29/01/2023 09:39

Another one here who can't wrap my head around getting pregnant again, this baby will add a whole heap more pressure. Time to get support from services imo

BellePeppa · 29/01/2023 09:39

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 29/01/2023 09:25

As someone who lived with a sulky controlling misery for 18 years I can give you some strategies for getting through

ignore his moods; just pretend they aren’t happening
always be perky and sunny
arrange your own entertainment, most of it without him
encourage him to take up activities that take him away from you and the children for large lumps of time (golf in my day, cycling nowadays)
make sure he gets a shag at least twice a week
Nurture and reward your inner martyr

I can attest this will keep the marriage going for years. But not necessarily forever, and it may be that the marriage breaks down horrible when the children are old enough to know the difference.

What I wish someone had told me back then was “FGS LadyG, he’s an arsehole and you absolutely do not deserve to live like this. You were not put on this earth to sacrifice yourself to a man, you are here to make the most of your life and now your children’s lives. Give it to him straight right now or bite the bullet and leave now, however unthinkable it seems”

So hear it from me: if he was ever a happy, positive person then start rocking the boat right now to get him back there, whatever it takes.

If he’s always really been a miserable, sulky bastard then leave now. Yes, toddlers and baby and all. I wish I’d had the guts to do it, and I suspect my children do too.

Always be perky and sunny? Make sure he gets a shag twice a week? What kind of advice is this?

If he doesn’t choose to get help then ignore his moods, let him have them without an audience. Forget walking on egg shells, if he’s moody then leave him to it without any acknowledgment of the mood. My ex was like this and I used to try to appease him until I decided to just ignore. It’s horrible though and personally I think you should make a plan to leave him when you feel you can.

Perfect28 · 29/01/2023 09:39

Tell your midwife what's going on

NotAMartyr · 29/01/2023 09:40

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 29/01/2023 09:25

As someone who lived with a sulky controlling misery for 18 years I can give you some strategies for getting through

ignore his moods; just pretend they aren’t happening
always be perky and sunny
arrange your own entertainment, most of it without him
encourage him to take up activities that take him away from you and the children for large lumps of time (golf in my day, cycling nowadays)
make sure he gets a shag at least twice a week
Nurture and reward your inner martyr

I can attest this will keep the marriage going for years. But not necessarily forever, and it may be that the marriage breaks down horrible when the children are old enough to know the difference.

What I wish someone had told me back then was “FGS LadyG, he’s an arsehole and you absolutely do not deserve to live like this. You were not put on this earth to sacrifice yourself to a man, you are here to make the most of your life and now your children’s lives. Give it to him straight right now or bite the bullet and leave now, however unthinkable it seems”

So hear it from me: if he was ever a happy, positive person then start rocking the boat right now to get him back there, whatever it takes.

If he’s always really been a miserable, sulky bastard then leave now. Yes, toddlers and baby and all. I wish I’d had the guts to do it, and I suspect my children do too.

How sad and depressing. Especially the advice to have sex twice a week.

Is it too late for you to get out now? What an awful existence this has been for you, and probably your kids. Are they in healthy relationships now?

OP I would be very clear about my issues and expectations with this man. And then consider ending it if he doesn’t change. Life with young kids is hard for both parents. He doesn’t get to make it about him.

Whatatimetobealivetoday · 29/01/2023 09:40

YouJustDoYou · 29/01/2023 09:37

He's a grown fucking man, he can address his own mental issues, it's not up for her to adult for him. Stop making excuses for him, mental health is not an excuse.

Show quote history

Cool!

Dear everyone with mental health issues,

Sorry all the advertising campaigns have been lying in recent years. Actually, you shouldn’t ask other for help or expect them to support you. If you could just sort it out for yourself that would be great!! Or better yet, just MAN UP and keep it to yourself.

Thanks!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/01/2023 09:41

Sugargliderwombat · 29/01/2023 09:36

To the poster who said 'make sure he gets a shag twice a week' - yuck. Please don't sleep with someone who you don't want to, women do not owe men sex!!!

If he wants you to be attracted to him maybe he should stop acting like such a miserable arse.

That post was tongue in cheek

Whatatimetobealivetoday · 29/01/2023 09:42

pictoosh · 29/01/2023 09:39

Totally agree @YouJustDoYou.

@Whatatimetobealivetoday - don't be naive.

FYI I wrote my reply before OPs update.

Willow12345 · 29/01/2023 09:42

So sorry to hear this OP. It's absolutely miserable when you're permanently stepping on eggshells because of your husband's moods. I know, because I've been doing it for years, and rightly or wrongly, have put up with it because of the children. I did learn that ignoring the behaviour and never asking him what was wrong would help him to snap out of his moods sooner, but they would often last for three or four days and it's bloody difficult... Sending big hugs of support x

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 29/01/2023 09:42

@BellePeppa @NotAMartyr read my whole message - I am saying that’s what I did; I am also very clearly saying DON’T do it.

It was bloody depressing. Doing it at all, let alone for 18 years, is one of the biggest regrets of my life.

ReneBumsWombats · 29/01/2023 09:44

BellePeppa · 29/01/2023 09:39

Always be perky and sunny? Make sure he gets a shag twice a week? What kind of advice is this?

If he doesn’t choose to get help then ignore his moods, let him have them without an audience. Forget walking on egg shells, if he’s moody then leave him to it without any acknowledgment of the mood. My ex was like this and I used to try to appease him until I decided to just ignore. It’s horrible though and personally I think you should make a plan to leave him when you feel you can.

Show quote history

Read the post properly. She's saying she did this and it kept the marriage technically in existence, but she doesn't recommend it, it made her miserable and it's still only a temporary fix, if fix you can call it.

nonevernotever · 29/01/2023 09:44

Yes I too read the first part of@LadyGardenersQuestionTime post as a tongue in cheek list of things to keep him happy and the marriage limping on followed by earnest advice to seriously consider leaving for the sake of op and the children

Ineverpromisedyouarosegarden · 29/01/2023 09:44

Has he seen a GP?

He could be depressed but he could also be low in iron, Thyroxine, Folic Acid, Vitamin D etc

I would send him to Get checked out as a starting point.

Can you get help in house / with children etc

Can you get him out to exercise or a hobby?

When the children were younger I had a chronic illness and it was hard on everyone. Things we did to reduce stress...used tumble dryer to dry clothes, online shopping to avoid shopping. Extra childcare, asked family and friends for help. Had a man who helped out in garden/ odd jobs, etc I used dry flotation in the beauty salon for exhaustion.

Rotated early nights/ lie ins and made time for each other.

He should be trying to sort some of this himself but sometimes you need a push to start sorting it. Look for small cost effective changes.

Cocobutt · 29/01/2023 09:44

You are both obviously very unhappy in this relationship.

I’m surprised you both agreed to another child if this has been going on for so long.

Honestly, what is the point in you both living like this?
You are both going to make yourselves ill and just waste your life by dragging the inevitable out.

I would sit him down and say how life is too short to both be unhappy and discuss how you can at least have a trial separation and how to do this in the most amicable way.